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Tuesday, 25 December 2012

Merry Christmas :)

It's been a long and crazy month but we've survived all the birthdays and Christmas festivities along side our failed cycle.  I have been emotionally up and down over the past week and Scout has been incredibly patient and supportive of me considering I haven't exactly been a bundle of joy to hang out with lately.  But as bummed as I've been, I only have to visit some of my clients from work, turn on the news or read a few blogs by others to put things in perspective.  Another failed cycle isn't the end of the world.  We will bounce back and find a way financially to try again :). In the meantime, we're going camping!  I hope you all have a wonderful Xmas break x


Merry Christmas!


Wednesday, 19 December 2012

5 stages of grief in 8 hours of work

Denial: Right now there's only one line but maybe it just needs more time.
Anger: Why the fuck didn't they tell me Pregnyl can delay your period?!
Bargaining (or in my case 'Begging'): Please god, please don't let this be another BFN.
Depression: Who am I kidding. I'm incapable of getting pregnant. I give up.
Acceptance (of sorts): It's a BFN. Just bleed already so I can have a fucking drink.

That was my day today. It would be nice to think that acceptance could be achieved in 8 hours but unfortunately I'm still bitter and twisted. The brown had turned to red. I'm not even going in for the blood test tomorrow. It's Scout's birthday and I'll be fucked if I'm leaving home at 5.45am on her birthday to go in for a blood test that tells me jack shit. It can happen when it suits me. And as for this baby making shit ... I am beyond over it. I've wasted a year, $25 K and my last shred of sanity on it, all for nothing. I'm over it. I can't do it. 3 transfers, 5 embryos. Seriously, how can I have ready made embryos placed in my uterus and still not get pregnant? What the hell is wrong with me?!! IVF is a fucking rort.


Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Still in limbo

AF didn't show ... But we still don't have two lines on a stick. Had some minor brown spotting last night and this morning. Looks like I'm in for another day of anxiety every time I go to the toilet. Strangely enough I wasn't crushed by the BFN this morning. Confused but not crushed. I've had different symptoms this cycle which have possibly given me more confidence than perhaps I should have at this point, but essentially ... I'm not ready to except that we are out just yet.

Monday, 17 December 2012

12dp2dt ... AF due date

No sign of her yet but still plenty of symptoms to suggest she's on her way. If she's coming, I think it'll be this afternoon. Going to be a long and stressful day. We still haven't tested but I was silly enough to start temping again over the last few days and this morning I saw a big dip that made my heart sink. I did however have a drink of water absent mindedly in my semi sleep state before shoving the thermometer in my mouth so I'm hoping that is what caused the dip.

I am tired and sick of work and ready for this week to just end and holidays to begin. Even Jazz was a cranky pants about getting ready for kinder this morning and that's usually the one thing she's happy to get ready for.

Anyway ... I am stressing. If we're still in the game tomorrow morning we'll test. Crapping my pants about the idea of that as well!

Saturday, 15 December 2012

It's beginning to feel alot like AF ... 10dp2dt

Yesterday in the middle of Charlie's party I suddenly felt like AF had arrived. As soon as we had everyone settled in the cinema, I ran out to the toilet expecting the worst and there was nothing ... just excess CM or something. I'm glad it was nothing but I still have this feeling like AF is eminent. It's got me worried and on top of that I've just felt nervous in general, like my tummy has butterflies and my heart's gonna jump out of my chest! Anyway ... I am doing my best not to over think this stuff right now and stay distracted but it's getting harder the closer we get to my AF due date.

The party was ... FULL.ON. Let's just say Charlie will not be having a party next year. It was chaos all thanks to one little girl who Charlie is best friends with and who we would rather she didn't hang out with anymore. We've had this kid over before and been unimpressed but figured she was perhaps alittle misunderstood or something ... but now we know she's just plan nasty. Her behavior was atrocious and of course Charlie went along with it much to our discust. This kid was throwing crayons around the resturant, deliberately standing on and rubbing the crayons into the ground with her feet, running around and crawling under tables, ramming her hand into full glasses of water emptying the contents all over the table, pouring a ton of maple syrup onto her plate and then licking it back up like a dog, not listening, not sharing, being nasty to Jazz, somehow managing to pour a whole drink all over both Charlie and her seats in the cinema ... You name it, this kid did it. She even twisted Charlie's arm to the point where she was in tears in the car! Why Charlie is friend with this girl I have no idea but it's gonna stop. She was just out of control ... And if you asked her to stop she defiantly did it even more while looking at you. She is a serious piece of work and Scout was literately rocking in the corner after having to drive there and back with this kid in her car. Fortunately we took two cars so I didn't have to endure this child in a confined space. On numerous occasions I was ready to remove her from the party and make her sit outside with me for the rest of the afternoon while everyone else enjoyed the movie. Honestly ... It was bad. And I really felt bad for some of the other kids who were really nice and must have been wondering what planet this kid was from. Anyway ... The fact that Charlie went along with her behavior, also not listening, made us quite disappointed in her, so unfortunately she spent the rest of the afternoon in her room after it was over. Hmmm ...

On a lighter note, I had to make small talk with one of the other mother's at the resturant while waiting for Scout and her load to show up. This mother clearly didn't have a clue who I was since I'm rarely the one picking Charlie up from school and I think I shocked her alittle when she figured out that I was in fact Charlie's 'other mother' and Scout's partner. She said "Oh ... Oh, oh, umm, oh right, oh ... Yes now things make sense ... (nervous laugh)" lol. I was half waiting for her to grab her kid and run. It was interesting. Fortunately she didn't and in the end she was even happy enough for me (the lesbian) to even drop her kid home afterwards. On the way home her daughter confirmed that despite telling her mum that Charlie had two mums and was in a "rainbow family", apparently her mum didn't know what that was. I guess we've enlightened her :). Anyway at least she was relatively ok about it, cos we've had other mother's who aren't so fine with it. We are still living and learning along the way with our girls as they make new friends and grow older. Fortunately Charlie hasn't endured any bullying or hurt to date in relation to having two mums but we are waiting and dreading the day it ever happens.

Anyway ... I hope these AF symptoms are just a red herring and we are still in the game next Thursday. I am nervous as hell about POAS this time. I want to know if it's a BFP but I'm not ready to see a BFN. It's such a double edged sword!

Friday, 14 December 2012

Staying distracted at 9dp2dt

I don't think we could have picked a more perfect time to endure a TWW. There is just so much going on for us in December that we've hardly had time to dwell on things this time. It's been great! We now have less than a week left till the beta and even less till AF, with plenty of distractions still up our sleeve.

Thursday was Charlie's birthday. She loves her new Furby and is actually alittle obsessed with it at the moment. No doubt it will wear off but right now it's the only present she's playing with apart from this giant remote control nemo helium balloon Scout's mum gave her.
The Furby
And the birthday girl!
Yesterday I finished work early to go to Jazz's kinder concert. It was cute but the songs went on longer than the kids were interested in singing and Jazz spent most of it just staring at the audience and wriggling around. She had to dress up as a rabbit and since rabbit ears aren't exactly in huge supply at this time of year we had to make some late Thursday night. I also painted her face before dropping her off and she looked very cute but of course by the time the concert came around it was half wiped off.
One super cute rabbit :)
Today we have Charlie's birthday party which is basically pancake's at the Pancake Parlour and a movie. She has invited 4 of her school friends to come so it shouldn't be too big of an ordeal but she does tend to become a little "silly" when she's around her friends.  And tomorrow we plan on sleeping in. Thank goodness!!! We are both exhausted and overdue for a lazy day at home doing nothing. Having said that, at some point I need to buy a kris Kringle present for work and sort out a few other things for Scout's birthday on the 20th.

I'm both excited and nervous about the next few days and finding out the outcome of this cycle. I am praying my period stays away and am counting down the days to the beta but having been stung before by disappointment on the test date I am starting to prepare myself for the possibility of bad news again. I always convince myself I'm pregnant and end up disappointed so this time I'm trying not to go there. If we get a BFN at least I'll be starting holidays two days later and I can drown my disappointment in food, drink and general festivities over Christmas and new years. But I really hope that's not the case. Please, please, please, please let this be the one...

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

6dp2dt

The wait is going ok ... although I still wish it would go faster! I am keeping a list of any odd things I notice each day but they are all relatively minuscule / non existent. In general, I don't feel any different from how I usually feel. The only big change I have noticed over the last 3 days is I am thirsty all the time. I have always struggled to increase my fluid intake so I rarely drink more than half a litre at work each day, but this week I am suddenly getting through 1.5-2 litres a day and that's just during working hours. For some reason I just feel the need to drink alot. It has been pretty warm here lately though, so Scout thinks that's all it is. She refuses to read into any of the little things I notice or mention. This morning I had my second HCG shot and I was tempted to test before hand just to see if the last shot was fully of of my system but she wouldn't let me. I wanted to know so I could calculate how long after this second shot we would need to wait before we could test but Scout has told me I'm not allowed to :(. She is trying her best to keep me grounded this time. My period is due next Tuesday so we have agreed not to test till after then.

Apart from the wait we have been preparing for both Christmas and Charlie's birthday. On Saturday I spent ages running around trying to find a 'Furby' for her which is the only thing she said she wants for her birthday. It turns out that also seems to be 'the' gift for kids her age for Christmas this year because they are sold out everywhere!!! We ended up having to buy one at a ridiculously inflated price on ebay so I really hope she's likes it. On sunday we finished making and writing our Christmas cards, made a gingerbread house that turned into a bit of a mess because the icing started melting in the heat and all the lollies kept dropping off, and I helped Charlies make a dream catcher which she tells me is working really well. Apparently she saw it wobble the other night when it caught one of her bad dreams ;). Anyway ... Tomorrow is her birthday so I will let you know how the Furby goes down. Hope everyone else in a cycle is travelling ok!

Friday, 7 December 2012

2dp2dt

Given I've just spent the last couple of months waiting for this cycle to come around, two more weeks should go by pretty quickly ... right? So far I'm managing to keep my mind off the baby station but of course in the back of my head I keep wondering what's going on in there and whether our two embies are still ok.

Distractions so far ... Charlie's school Christmas concert was on Thursday night after the transfer. It was cute but a little disappointing given her class didn't even perform a Christmas carol. What is with that? Everyone in her class wore a little Indian type head dress with feathers but Charlie had to be different and insisted on wearing her rudolph ears and nose lol. We stood at the back to watch and a family with newborn twin boys pulled their pram up beside us. An omen? Who knows, but let's just say I'm glad it wasn't twin girls ;)

Yesterday we were all pretty tired from being up late at the concert. Work was bearable and I keep myself well distracted with clients until I got home last night. Night time I think is the worst because I start surfing the net on my phone or reading pregnancy books or watching the health channel. Last night Scout and I were actually both home together which was nice but I was so tired from such a busy week, I was off to sleep by 9pm.

Today I have a reflexology appointment and I just had my first Pregnyl shot. Scout is working so I'm dropping the girls with her mum and will go shopping for Charlie's birthday after the reflexology. Then I've got Christmas cards to write and gingerbread to bake so I think I should be suitably distracted. Only 2 and a bit weeks to Christmas! How crazy is that?!

The first of only two shots for this entire cycle!

How cute are these raindeers that keep following us around?!

Family photo with Santa :)

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

The Call

This morning I got the call I was hoping I wouldn't get. It's never a good thing to get a call from your FS in person on the morning of your transfer. She said they had thawed a 4 cell embie and only 2 of the 4 cells survived and neither of the two cells had continued dividing so it wasn't looking good. She recommended thawing the second and I agreed. So I basically spent the rest of the morning in a fairly non-productive state at work worrying about how the second would thaw and whether we would actually have anything to transfer. But to my great relief the second one thawed beautifully and turned out to be a lovely 8 cell by the time it was transferred. They actually transferred both even though they weren't confident about the 2 cell one. So we are now officially in the wait and I am just hoping and praying that my uterus is kind to these little guys and does everything possible to help them stick. I did my best to get a pic but it's not very good ...

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

T-1 to TWW

Transfer is booked for 12.20 tomorrow and I'm guessing our little frosty should be a 'defrostie' by now. I am just hoping and praying it starts growing again the way it should. Unfortunately 12.20 tomorrow is smack bang in the middle of one of Scout's appointments and she really can't change it so I will be doing this transfer on my own. I doubt I'll be able to get a pic of the embryo this time cos I'll be in the chair with a catheter insitu and the screen is too far away from the chair to get a decent shot. So I guess this little ones first pic will just have to be a sono pic instead ;). Ohhh please let this be the one. I can't believe we will finally be in the wait again. I will need to keep myself super distracted this time as I'm already feeling a little stir crazy wondering about the outcome. We've had another pregnancy announcement at work this week and these things usually come in 3's so surely number 3 has gotta be me ... Right?! Fingers crossed this one sticks :).

Monday, 3 December 2012

Surge ;)

The blood test this morning took ages to come through so I had to go in for the scan and then hang around and wait for the results. I couldn't leave in case the results were negative cos then I'd need to pick up a trigger shot. So after 2 hours of waiting they told me the results where inconclusive and I had to have yet another blood test. They let me go back to work after that and rang this afternoon to confirm that I have officially surged :) Yay! So the transfer is planned for Thursday but we won't know the time till the day beforehand. I am so glad I don't need the trigger :). This means the only drugs I'll be taking this cycle are for leutal phase support. I'll be having Pregnyl shots rather than the progesterone pessaries this time so I won't be able to test at all because I'll run the risk of a false positive. I'm alittle bummed by that but at least it'll save me the psychological trauma of the dreaded sticks and I won't have to deal with yucky stuff up my twat! A Thursday transfer also means the beta test will fall on the 20th which is Scout's birthday :) Fingers crossed she gets the present we are both hoping for cos I really don't wanna spoil her birthday with another BFN.

Sunday, 2 December 2012

Negative day post positive OPK

I got a positive OPK this morning and went in for a blood test. Apparently they won't get the results back till tomorrow so basically I need to leave home at 7am tomorrow for my 8.20am scan which I may or may not actually need to go to based on these results. Oh well ... I guess I'll just start driving and hope they call me with a yes or no before I get too far past my work ... but I'm pretty sure I won't be needing the scan. If the bloods come back positive for the surge I'm assuming my transfer will be either Wednesday or Thursday. I'm really hoping it's not Wednesday as that's the one day Scout will not be able to come and even Thursday isn't looking too good. I know it's not essential that she be there for it, but it is kinda the key procedure in the whole process and the one we'd really prefer to be together for. So we are both a little bummed about how the timing of things seems to be panning out but what can you do.

This weekend we made shortbread biscuits with the girls and got our Chrissy photo done with Santa :). And then we came home to find a planning permit notice stapled to our fence. We live in a rented house and the owner is a total bitch. She has been coming in and out and had a valuer, surveyor and arborist come check out the place over the past 6 months. We've suspected she might be planning to subdivide the block and have been asking the realestate what's going on for months but they've kept us in the dark till today when we came home and saw the notice. It's fucking rude and we are pissed to say the least. We rented this place because it had a big yard for the animals and the kids, and also storage for all our camping, gardening and extra miscellaneous stuff. Subdivision will mean we'll have no yard - nowhere for our animals, no storage, nowhere for our boat or camper trailer, no more veggie patch and no space even for the kids swings! Basically it means we are gonna have to move. And we don't want to move. We are really happy and settled where we are. There are only 10 other places in town for rent and they are shitholes that don't meet our needs. So not only are we now faced with having to move house but we might also have to leave the town we currently live in (which we love) and our kids are going to have to change their school which is an awesome school and one of the main reasons we moved to this town in the first place. I am so depressed and stressed just thinking about it. And I am so sick of being a part of this rental rat race where we have no control over anything. I wish we could just buy a place and not have to deal with anyone else's shit but of course we've spent our deposit on IVF ... Not that we have anything to show for it. Ugh! Not.happy.Jan.

Thursday, 29 November 2012

OPKs, spiders and stinkin hot weather!

Soooo ... Still not much to report yet for this cycle. I had a reflexology session last weekend which was nice. Haven't had one for awhile since we were on a break so it was nice to catch up with my reflexologist and hear about all the exciting new pregnancies amongst her clientele :) I have to say I am yet to experience any serious jealousy in relation to hearing news about other people's pregnancies. Another girl at work recently announced she was expecting and I was intrigued moreso than jealous but I guess that's because we've only been trying for a year and haven't had to endure that many BFNs ... yet. Before we started this whole TTC process I remember being bitterly jealous of people who got pregnant because I felt like that was something I'd never get to experience. Just getting on the TTC train seemed like a pipe dream back then so I guess I just feel lucky to now be able to actually try which is more than we could do prior to 2010 when lesbians weren't eligible to access IVF clinics or donor sperm in our state. Crazy ... Anyway, I'm sure my jealous twin will raise her ugly head again a some point in the not too distant future but for now we're doing ok. How much longer we can afford to keep trying is another thing entirely and if we do reach a point where we have to give up for financial reasons I think I'll go back to being bitter and twisted again pretty quickly!

So far this 'natural cycle' business is going ok. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm actually IN a cycle. There's been very little I've needed to do which is a nice. I had a scan with my FS yesterday. One small 12mm follicle on day 9. I am now pissing on OPKs till Monday (day 14) and if I don't get a positive before then I'll need another scan. But essentially we are just twiddling our thumbs waiting for ovulation. We've decided to only put one back this time. I was keen to try two again but Scout was concerned that if we used two and got another BFN we'd be out of embryos and back to square one (ie putting up with me on crazy hormones again!) so we've decided to be 'conservative' with our last two. Of course my FS also reminded me (again) that it's possible one or both of our frosties might not survive the thaw so perhaps we will be up for another stim cycle whether we like it or not. Ugh ... I really hope that doesn't happen. Losing one or both in the thaw would be more than a little disappointing. I really don't wanna think about that.

Anyway aside from TTC, we have put up our christmas tree and lights :). A little early I know, but we need to be ahead of the game with everything we have going on in December. We also have spiders everywhere outside at the moment so I had to cobweb the eves before putting up the lights and I got Scout to spray as well. Spiders don't really bother me but Scout is petrified of them and of course when you spray they come running out everywhere so she was beside herself for awhile out there dodging them as they came spiraling down on they're webs left right and centre. I felt a bit bad making her do it but I can't be around the spray so I couldn't help her. Anyway I think she felt better once she got the upper hand but it was touch and go for awhile there!

Apart from that, Charlie participated in the Colour run last weekend which she loved. We will all have to do it next year. And today I got a little award at our last staff meeting for the year which was also combined with a Christmas lunch. It was a staff recognition award that your peers nominate for and I got a $50 voucher out of it so I'm pretty happy with that :)

We also had an absolute stinker today - 39 degrees Celsius. Dunno what that is in fahrenheit, but let's just say it's bloody hot and apparently it got up to 45 degrees in a few other areas which is nasty. We live in a high bush fire danger area so it's always a worry when the temperature spikes and the winds pick up. Anyway I am going to attempt to get some sleep now but I'm not sure how much luck I'll have since it looks like we're in for a hot and sticky night. We only have aircon in the lounge room so we may well have to sleep on the floor down there if we don't get a cool change anytime soon.  Anyway here's some pics for this post ...

Charlie before the run :)

The girls decorating the whole tree on their own this year.

The lights up after annihilating the spiders :)


Thursday, 22 November 2012

Sexy wife saves damsel in distress

The sexy wife would be mine and the damsel would be me :) This morning my lady came to the rescue of me and my car after it decided to blow a hose somewhere between the country town we live in and the place I work. Cranky me was having a mini rant to myself in the car on my way to work about the teachers at Charlie's school refusing to write report cards this year as part of their protest for a pay rise (*@#!). Clearly my car sensed the steam coming out of my ears and decided to blow a hose as well in sympathy. Of course I didn't notice the smoke billowing out from under the bonnet while driving at 100km/hr until another kind driver pulled infront on me to slow me down. Luckily I had mobile coverage and could call my ex-truckie super mechanic wife who cancelled her 9.30 appointment and raced out to help me. I was cursing myself for forgetting to renew our roadside assist and was pretty convinced that we could now kiss any Christmas presents good bye but in less than an hour Scout had Buffy and I back on our way again :) I am so lucky to have such a wonderful wife who is so clever and who will drop everything to come rescue me - whether I need my radiator fixed or just a middle of the night snack. I love you baby. Thank you for saving me! Ever since the first day I saw you crawl under a car I knew you were me one for me ;) lol

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

Cd1 Natural Thaw


My last day 1 for 2012! After 3 very different stim cycles, I am relieved to finally get to try a natural cycle. No drugs, a scan at day 9/10, some blood tests, some OPK piss sticks and a transfer 2/3 days post ovulation. Talk about easy peasy! Our frosties have been very patient waiting their turn so I'm looking forward to them being put back and I'm hoping and praying that the lack of drugs, surgery and stress this time round = a happy, healthy and extra sticky ute for them.

At the start of this year a clairvoyant told me we would have a baby on the way by Christmas. I am really hoping she's right ... But just incase she isn't, I am going to have to work pretty hard not to get my hopes up this cycle. It would be nice to finally see a BFP, but if we don't get it, I plan on drinking and eating whatever I want over Xmas and new years ;)

Apart from AF arriving today, I got flowers delivered to my work last week courtesy of my beautiful wife :)  And Scout and I went on a fishing charter over the weekend and caught a ton of fish ... Finally! We caught mostly flathead, but Scout also got a snapper. There were a few other nasty looking fish we snagged and had to throw back and I hooked an eagle ray at one point that put up more of a fight than I bargained for (my left arm is still recovering from it!) but we fished for 8 hours solid and could have kept going. It was awesome :)


Anyway ... 1 day down and 27 more to go. Since there won't be much exciting stuff happening this cycle (apart from the BFP at the end of it!) I will keep you posted with some of the many distractions I have planned to help me stay sane!

Scout and I actually  bought each other flowers on the same day without realising


Scout hooking up a Snapper
Me with another one on the line ;)






Friday, 16 November 2012

Feeling festive!

This week Scout and I switched roles alittle as her business kicked into overdrive. Normally I'm at work full time and Scout is part time shuffling her appointments around to fit in with the kids and school / kinder / daycare drop offs and pick ups. But this week Scout has been working crazy hours with some 7.30am starts and a couple of 1am finishes so I have been sorting the girls which has been nice. I often feel like I miss out on alot of stuff with them because of my work so it was nice this week to let work take a back seat and spend more time with the them - as crazy and hectic as it has been!

On top of juggling the girls, I have also caught a touch of Christmas fever this week which is kinda nice since I had trouble getting into the spirit of things last year. Over the last month or so I have been buying up on solar christmas lights to deco the outside of the house so I can't wait to put them up next weekend. Jazz and I also got stuck into making our traditional mango chutney which we have with our Christmas ham and give to others as gifts. Making mango chutney is one thing that never fails to make me smile. It's my nan's recipe so I love it and it was cute having Jazz help this year with chopping up all the apples ;)

Also this week I had my post op review which was all good so now I'm just waiting around for my period to kick start our last cycle for this year :) My GP had to write me a new referral for my FS as my old one is about to expire, so as of the start of December we will have been offically on the ART merri-go-round for a year. Hopefully we are in for an little pre Christmas surprise that will graduate us from that ride and onto a much more exciting one in the new year!

Jazz chopping apples for the chutney.  She's also rocks fruit salad ;)

Mmmmm ... all that goodness simmering down to pure yum!

The finished product ... ready for Christmas :) 


Monday, 5 November 2012

A crampy day and a double Liebster!

First let me say I am NOT A FAN of Misoprostol. My FS did mention it had some 'unpleasant side-effects' but f*#k me! I took two tablets 6 hours before my surgery today and within 20mins I was cramping like nobody's business. First I thought I was going to crap myself, then I thought I was gonna pass out. It was pretty much the equivalent of the worst ever period cramps and I couldn't take anything for it! I spent the first hour dashing back and forth to the toilet trying not to pass out. Almost thought I was going to have to just curl up on the floor in the toilet for awhile there since being vertical was not an option, but thankfully Scout rescued me with a heat pack and a cold washer. I was seriously starting to wonder how the heck I was going to cope sitting in the waiting room but thankfully by the time we got in there, things had eased off to a point that I could handle. The actual procedure itself went off without a hitch and I was up and out of there in no time :) They managed to get the bigger scope in this time (so I guess all that cramping was worth it) and apparently everything looked fine. She took a biopsy and I still have to go back for a post op review but hopefully it's all clear and we get the go ahead for a natural cycle when my periods starts in 2 weeks!

Apart from the D&C, I was also nominated for a Liebster Blog Award by not one but two fellow bloggers :) - Lexi and Sarah at 'Our baby making journey' and Mamma V. Thanks ladies :)



So as part of the deal I need to answer their questions, nominate other blogs with less than 200 followers, and give the new nominees some questions to answer.  Here are my answers to Lexi, Sarah and Mamma Vs questions :)

1. What's your favorite season and why?
Favourite season would have to be spring :). I love watching the trees and gardens come back to life after winter. Seeing new buds grow and flowers that only blossom once a year. But my absolute favourite part is all the baby lambs and little ducklings following their mamas around in the fields near where we live. That's when I know spring had truly sprung :)
2. What is something you can't live without?
'Buffy' ... My car. I'm very lazy, live in a country town with limited public transport and both the girls school and my work are waaaaaay to far to walk to everyday. If I need to get somewhere, move something or toe a trailer ... She's my girl ;)
3. If you could vacation anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?
Probably somewhere in Africa for the landscapes, coastlines and amazing animals. Our girls would also benefit from playing with kids of other cultures, especially those who have to struggle for the basics in life.
4. If given the ability to change one thing in this world, what would you choose?
To eliminate poverty. It's an epidemic.
5. Do you have any regrets in life?
Not coming out sooner! Who knows how many cute lesbians I missed out on while pretending to be straight and wasting time lusting after straight women!! But seriously, my life just improved a billion times after I finally accepted myself, fessed up to the world and discovered lesbian women :) I think the year I finally came out was the best year of my life and it makes me sad to think that others never get there.
6. Why did you start blogging?
To record our baby making journey and pay it forward. Other people's blogs have been the greatest source of information and enlightenment for me throughout this whole process. They've given me hope and also helped me keep things in perspective. I really struggled to find Aussie lesbian TTC blogs to follow so I figured I should put one out there.
7. What is your best trait?
I care.
8. What is your worst trait?
My temper ... I'm a bit of a snappy tom at times.
9. What is your best childhood memory?
Spending weekends at my Nan's, reading books while watching Daddy Long Leg's crawl up the wall of her spare bedroom, swimming in the creek near her house, eating ham and pickle sandwiches with her sitting in the grass, trolling through her old photos for hours on end and sitting in her big recliner chair eating bacon and eggs on a tray in front of the tele. I loved my nan and I loved hanging out with her and sitting in her big old chair. She died about 10 years ago but I can still feel her around me. I made my mum keep her old chair and I sit in it whenever I visit :)
10. Who are 3 people you would love to have dinner with (living or dead)? They would all be family members who have passed (my nan, Scout's nan who I never got to meet, and my poppa). But if I had to pick celebs ... It would be Lady Diana for all the gossip, Joan of Arc for inspiration, and the Dalai Lama for insight and a good laugh :)
11. Who is someone you miss?
My nan ... and my mum.

Phew! Onto nominating other blogs, this is a little hard as both ladies who nominated me have already nominated many people I would have! So I've done my best to share the love but there was still a few already nominated that I just had to nom again!

1. My TTC Obstacle Course - I love the humor and language in this blog. It's genuine and direct and has made me 'laugh out loud' on numerous occasions :)
2. Lezbemoms - These two women are amazing! Prepping for one baby and ending up with two!
3. Double Trouble Bangkok - An already popular blog but still eligible for and very much deserving of a Liebster (and a foot rub by the looks of that last post!)
4. Baby Mama(s) Drama - Another great read with lots of insights and cute pics :)
5. And baby makes 3 ... hopefully - A grounding blog. They've had a rough trott so I have everything crossed that good things are just around the corner of them :)
6. Two birds building a nest - Not a very active blog these days after the birth of their twins but I really loved following their journey when they were blogging lots, and I have to give credence to the fact that this was the blog that inspired me to start blogging!
7. The Terrells Journey - A cute couple and a funny read. Due any day now!!
8. Bao in the Oven - Another oldie but goodie that makes me laugh :)
9. The Daily Adventures of Two Girls in Love - A 'pink' blog about two lovely ladies who now have two very cute babies!
10. Thoughts of Babies - Two ladies that deserve a boost. Fingers crossed better things come their way real soon :)
11.  .....   I can't think of any more that haven't already been nominated ... I'm recovering from my 4th general anesthetic for the year!

Unfortunately I have trouble posting a comment on some of these blogs so I'm not even sure how to let some of the wordpress ones even know I've nominated them but anyway ... Here are my questions for those who do get my messages :)

1. Favourite Christmas tradition?
2. Worst gift you've ever been given.
3. Best gift you've ever been given.
4. Scariest encounter.
5. Most embarrassing moment.
6. A guilty pleasure.
7. Something you're proud of.
8. Worst habit.
9. A food you don't like.
10. Someone you admire
11. Favourite jelly bean :)

Happy blogging!

Friday, 2 November 2012

Can you believe it's November?!

Even though I feel like I've lived most of this year from cycle to cycle (and much of it has seemed to drag!), I'm still surprised by how close Christmas suddenly seems. I am really looking forward to the holiday season but we still have a heck of alot of thing we need to get through between now and then. We have loads of birthdays, an awesome fishing trip in bass strait and of course we need to get pregnant ;) all before we can even start to think about Xmas! This week at work was insane trying to make up for the fact that I won't be there much next week due to my D&C, Melbourne Cup and an OT conference. I also had my pre-op appointment with Dr P last Monday which was basically a very short conversation so she can say I have been 'informed' about what the procedure will involve (again).

So the D&C will be Monday afternoon (finally!). I have to take some drugs 6 hours beforehand to soften my cervix so they can get the necessary tools in there. My last D&C they struggled and had to use a very narrow catheter and extra thin scope to get in there to do anything. They couldn't even take pictures because the scope they had to use had terrible resolution. So I'm hoping this time they'll be able to dilate me enough to get a decent scope with higher res in there. I'm certainly not wanting them to find anything as that would screw up my FET in december but it's always been in the back of my head that the crappy scope they used the first time may have missed something. Anyway, I'm just hoping the dilatation works and we are good to go for an easy FET next cycle. Fingers crossed that's how everything plays out.

Thursday, 1 November 2012

A Cute Pic ...

Just had to snap this shot when I came home yesterday and found two little witches looking out from our back deck :)



Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Breaking bad

While I have been keeping up with everyone's blogs, I haven't felt like doing anything much with my own lately. I don't know why. Perhaps it needs a facelift or something to make me feel better about it. It's not like I haven't got anything to say lately ... it's more that I haven't felt like processing things too much. I'm in avoidance mode at the moment, possibly because I'm not a very big fan of the person I seem to have become since we've been on the TTC journey. This time last year I had an awesome veggie patch planted out with loads of yummy fruit and vege which I was watering and weeding and composting and generally loving. I was out in the garden all the time with the animals and the girls. I was cooking and building stuff and working on all sorts of random projects around the house. I was busy and happy and patient despite being sick as a dog with chronic allergies. But now 12 months later when I've actually conquered the allergies and I'm finally on the baby making train, I feel fat, lazy and completely unmotivated to do anything. My veggie patch is bare, my chooks are laying eggs I keep forgetting to collect and the house is looking generally neglected. I come home from work exhausted and struggle to find patience with the girls. I'm in a funk like I've lost my mojo or something and I miss it. I miss having energy and passion about things other than making a baby. And I miss some of the things I can't do now I am on this TTC train. I miss things that are bad for me ... I miss SMOKING! I know it sounds totally random but I can't begin to explain how much I seriously believe that kicking this habit is connected with my current funk. Yeah it's a toxic filthy habit that was bad for me and everyone around me in so many ways, but 9 months later I still miss it like crazy much to Scout's disgust. I quit cold turkey at the start of this year and Scout quit a few months later with Champix. She doesn't miss it at all (she's actually repulsed by the thought of it) but I miss it terribly and the reason why I miss it so much is because I associate it with all the things I really enjoyed and now don't do. I loved sitting out on the deck smoking and drinking coffee and rubbing our dog or rabbit's back with my foot. I loved working all day in the garden or on a project for 8 hours solid with cigarette breaks to keep me going. I loved 5 mins to myself outside or 5 mins with Scout all to myself while we smoked away. I loved kicking back with a fishing rod in one hand and a fag in the other watching the water and soaking up the sun. Yes I know there is nothing stopping me from still doing all these things now but when I quit, the only way I could do it was to stop the habits I associated with smoking and that meant avoiding sitting on the deck, drinking coffee, gardening, building projects outside etc. Fishing is the only thing I still do that I associate with cigarettes and I have to say I don't enjoy it half as much as I use to. When I gave up smoking, I gave up one of my main stress relievers, and along with it went a whole bunch of other associated activities I really loved. Since then I've been floundering for the better part of this year trying to find alternative things to do to destress and take my mind off the TTC rollercoaster. It seems rediculous that after all this time I am still yet to develop healthy coping strategies so I can return to enjoying these activities I miss so much without a cigarette. Instead of being productive and distracting myself in the garden for the last two weeks while waiting for this D&C, I've been compulsively buying random crap on eBay! What kind of coping mechanism is that?!! It's pathetic and depressing and I'm kinda embarrassed to admit it. I really need to get my shit together ... Anyway, on a more positive note I carved a pumpkin for halloween with the girls tonight :)  This is the first time I've ever done this as it's not usually something we tend to celebrate much in Australia, but Charlie has been all excited about it so we thought we'd do it for her. I made her help scoop out the inside which she was totally grossed out by lol.  So Happy Halloween to those who do celebrate it ;)  And to those effected by the big storm, I hope you are all safe and dry and out of harms way.

Charlie getting a feel for making a pumpkin lantern LOL


Happy Halloween!

Tuesday, 9 October 2012

Drugs, delays and D&C


How much do I hate buying these freaking tablets?! Just bought another two boxes and it looks like I'll actually need to buy a third now. That's 3 months worth ... And the reason I need 3 months worth is because my FS is going on holidays. She won't be back till November and when she does gets back I'll be having another D&C. So unfortunately the FET won't be happening till December now. I'm am a little bummed ... but I guess if that's what I need to do to get my hotel ala uterus renovated for our frosties then so be it. I have no idea what the frak I'm gonna blog about between now and then but I guess I'll come up with something. I am gonna go stir crazy waiting for December to roll around!

Friday, 28 September 2012

We'll just keep on truckin ...

The day after our BFN-on-a-stick I got my period. And the day after that our bfn was confirmed yet again by the blood test. It seems crazy that the one day you are so focused on and looking forward to throughout this whole process (the beta test date) usually ends up being a shit day ... A BFN day. And yet you spent so long looking forward to it?! Crazy. Not only is it disappointing to discover that you're are still not pregnant, but you feel pretty sad and even stupid knowing you've just spent 2 weeks focused on growing, nurturing and getting attached to a little embie that probably carked itself ages earlier, you just didn't know it. This whole IVF thing is certainly a strange, stressful and expensive little experiment. Anyway ... Despite getting another BFN and being sad our little embies didn't stick around, we know we should be thankful that we really did have a better outcome this cycle and we really are very lucky we can try again one more time without having to endure another full IVF cycle. So ... When I get my period again we will have another crack at it. And in the meantime I will catch up with my FS about whether or not we need to do the dilatation again. I would like to be able to say that I plan on being extra healthy and losing weight and all that crap over the next month while we wait, but honestly ... I'm tired of the constant focus on getting my body baby ready. Instead, I'm just going to focus on enjoying our little family and the children I am so lucky to already have and we'll just see what happens next :). Hope everyone else is doing ok this month. I am looking forward to some great bump pics over the next few weeks and hearing how "thing two" makes his entrance into the world over at lezbemoms!

Sunday, 23 September 2012

12dp2dt

So I held my pee all night and actually felt a little reluctant getting out of bed to finally POAS. To be accurate I actually pissed in a cup and dipped a stick. Anyway Scout and I both dipped separate sticks at the same time and stood there waiting for what turned out to be the same result ... BFN. I had high hopes that things would be different this time but it appears my body likes to kill our embryos :(. There is some relief in knowing we have two more we can try but I still feel pretty gutted. This year has been tough and although I know we haven't been TTC for that long it feels like forever. And this BFN has just pushed our dream back further in time. The thought of another cycle and TWW is just depressing. It is impossible to go through a wait and not have some hope attached to it. And having those hopes shattered repeatedly is starting to weigh on me. I feel like I've lost so much of myself through this process and the growing depression is starting to overwhelm me. I am so desperate to just get back to the person I was 12 months ago but it seems impossible while I'm on this treadmill. We've invested so much into this, I'm not sure what we'll do if we don't get there. We have already spent all our savings (originally intended as a deposit for a house), so after the FET, another round of IVF is going to put us into debt. It's hard watching not one but two of our dreams slip further away. I know we are lucky at this point to have the frosties and we'll pick ourselves up and try again. But right now I'm tired and my heart is hurting. We won't be testing again. I'll go in for the blood test on Wednesday and then we'll move on to the next cycle. None of my family and only two of my friends know we're doing IVF so it's hard going through all this stuff all the time, keeping it to myself. This blog is my only outlet so thank you ladies for all the support you have given me. It's very much appreciated.

Saturday, 22 September 2012

11dp2dt

I stuck to my guns this morning and didn't test ... But I was definately contemplating it. One more day and then we'll see what my pee has to say. I am not feeling too flash today. Both Charlie and Jazz have had a terrible flu that has knocked them for a six and I'm just praying I haven't picked it up too. They've both had fevers and vomiting and nasty coughs. I really hope I don't get it ... Especially if we get two lines tomorrow. Anyway ... I woke up with a niggling pain in my side this morning that doesn't seem to want to go away and my tummy has been crampy and unsettled in general which is making me pretty nervous each time I go to the toilet. So far, so good ... No sign of AF yet. I am pretty much spending today in front of the tele trying to distract myself from thinking about whether or not we're pregnant. Less than 24 hours till we break out the sticks!

Thursday, 20 September 2012

9dp2dt

This TWW is dragging! I am trying my best not to think too much about it but it's hard, especially at night if Scout is working and I'm home on my own with the girls. I am starting to think more about the sticks in the cupboard but I'm alittle scared of them to be honest. On the one hand it's tempting knowing how easy it would be to do it and then at least we'd have some idea about the possible outcome before the blood test, but on the other hand, seeing another BFN is going to be difficult to stomach. Right now it's still too early to test but we are getting close to the time when we can. Scout thinks we should do it Tuesday or Wednesday (the day of the blood test) next week but I have an ADO on the Monday so if we're going to do it, I'm thinking this would be better. I'll be 12dp2dt then and if it's a BFN at least I won't have to head off to work and put on a brave face for the day. Anyway, we'll wait and see how we feel after the weekend. The fact that we have a backup this time has really taken the pressure off, but damn I still hate the idea of waiting through yet another cycle again.

As far as symptoms go it's debatable as to whether anything I've been noticing is real or just artificially induced by the crinone I keep squirting up my twat every evening. I'm bloated and feeling 'wet' all the time to the point where I actually thought my period had arrived yesterday but nope ... I was just leaking whatever that weird watery stuff is that I seem to get when I'm on progesterone. Anyway, that's nothing new from last time, but I have noticed something that is. My boobs hurt. They felt weird yesterday - alittle tender and tingley - but today they are sore. They ache even just lying down in bed on my back with nothing touching them. And they definately weren't like this last time ... But again this could just be the progesterone playing with me. I've also noticed my sense of taste and smell is alittle different but Scout keeps reminding me it's too early for these kinds of symptoms so I am trying not to read too much into it. It's interesting just how much weird stuff you start to notice about your body when you're paying such close attention in a TWW. Anyway ... Fingers crossed my brain isn't just playing with me and things are actually different this time. Time will tell I guess! My period is due some time over the next few days and I am starting to get the odd moment of cramps here and there which is unsettling. Hopefully everything will stay put and we don't end up with a rude visit ahead of schedule.

Saturday, 15 September 2012

4dp2dt

Ovaries are still really sore. Not sure if this is normal or what but it didn't feel like this last time. I told our FS about how painful they were when we went in for the transfer and she didn't seem very concerned - just said to take panadol for it. So I went back to work on Thursday even though I still felt pretty tired and sore. Friday was a bit better as I wasn't as tired, but the day was still pretty difficult to get through. I had my reflexology session in the evening which was awesome. My reflexologist did whatever it is she does to try and get my body producing more hcg to help the embryos implant, so fingers crossed that helps. Saturday, Scout went all out to do something special for our anniversary :). She took me to a day spa up in the hills just out of the town where we live. It was beautiful! We had an hour long couples massage in studio which had a toastie wood burner and big glass windows overlooking rainforest. They had to vary my treatment a bit just in case I end up being pregnant but it was still awesome and we floated out of there feeling fantastic at the end :). After that we went for lunch at a resturant between some of the local wineries which was really lovely. We both drank water out of our wine glasses and I actually didn't miss the wine at all which surprised me. After lunch we picked up the girls from Scout's parents and took them to the movies. It was a lovely day together and I felt very spoilt by my lady :). Today we are just having a lazy day at home which I think we all really need after such a busy week. My ovaries are still sore and especially uncomfortable when my bladder starts to fill up. I am hating being back on the crinone but I know my experience of it isn't anywhere near as bad as others so I can't complain. Anyway, 4 days down and 10 more to go :). Hopefully work this week will be enough to keep me from going stir crazy wondering about how our little embies are fairing down below. I hope everyone else out there is going ok with their cycles and pregnancies. You're posts continue to be a good distraction from my wait!
Lovely restaurant with gorgeous views of the valley

And very yummy food :)

Thursday, 13 September 2012

Best anniversary gift ever!

Ok, so I wasn't planning on updating again for a bit but I can't help myself. After a possibly too busy and somewhat tiring day back at work today I came home with flowers for my beautiful wife to celebrate our anniversary and discovered amongst todays mail a letter from our IVF clinic. When I opened it I could not believe what I read. We officially have ... TWO FROSTIES!!!!!! Can you believe it?!!!! I can't! Best anniversary gift ever!! I love you baby ;) xxx

Wednesday, 12 September 2012

2DT

They're in! Despite feeling alot more uncomfortable post pick up this time around, all went well with the transfer this morning. The look on the embryologist's face had me a bit worried when we first walked in. They must tell them to have an unemotive expression or something. Anyway, her face looked pretty solemn which had me expecting the worst but instead the results were great! Of the 7 eggs, 6 were mature, 5 fertilized, and 4 are growing nicely :). Yay!!! We had two 5-cell embryos put back (2DT) and are waiting to see if the other 2 make it to the freezer (please please please!). Our FS was really happy with the result and of course we are wrapped. So I'm relieved that all the extra focus on egg quality this time appears to have actually paid off so far, but time will tell I guess.

It was alot more painful getting the catheter in this time. I yelped and just about lept off the table but once she got around the kink in my cervix I was fine. If we need to go through another transfer though, she said I'll probably need to have the dilatation done again first. Fingers crossed we won't need to do that.

The decision to put two back was instigated by our FS after our last transfer failed. We don't necessarily want twins but if it happens, it happens. Scout reckons she doesn't mind if we end up with two as long as one is a boy LOL. I think it's just so difficult physically, emotionally and financially going through IVF and after only having one decent embryo last time, we decided if we got lucky enough to get more than one this time, we didn't want to waste them. The other two embryos may not make it to the freezer or through a thaw, so rather than wait for a possible BFN from 1 and risk possibly losing all the other 3 (and then having to start all over again!), we thought we'd at least use two. Anyway, if we end up with twins we will no doubt experience another type of physical, emotional and financial trauma but we'll cross that bridge if/when we come to it!

So at the end of the transfer our FS wished us luck (which I think was more directed at Scout having to put up with me on the progesterone!) and sent us on our way. The rest of today, I've spent at home with my feet up but I'll need to do a few things for work at some point. I've had the last 3 days off and only went in for an hour this morning to get some work to bring home with me, so I'll spend some time on that in another hour or so. My ovaries are still really sore and quite painful at times especially when my bladder or bowel needs emptying. It eased off yesterday but it's back with a vengeance today. Hopefully it will be better come tomorrow. Apart from all that I have a reflexology session on Friday just prior to the supposed 'implantation' to help things along, and the blood test is booked for the 26th. Can't believe we're finally in the wait again! Will keep you posted :)

Jazz browsing the fashion mags in the waiting room

Two very hopeful mums :)

Catheter in and awaiting the embryos

One of our embryos :) Stick, little one, stick!

Sunday, 9 September 2012

DejaVu

This morning went down almost exactly the same as it did in June. Same place, same faces, same drill. The only thing different was the magazines and there was an awesome recipe for chocolate and peanut butter cookies that I memorized while waiting in my little room with my blue cap, robe and dressing gown on. I'll make them sometime this week I think when I'm feeling alittle more up to it. Anyway, an egg collection is not always a great experience for alot of women and I've read alot of terrible stories, but for me I've been lucky. It went pretty good last time and this time wasn't any different. In fact ... There are a few things I love about going in for an egg collection :) 1. The toastie warm blanket they give you while you wait your turn. 2. The drugs (I love that I'm out like a light and then two seconds later I'm waking up in recovery) And 3. The juice and cookies the give you afterwards. But good stuff aside, the outcome is all you really care about and this morning it was no different from last time. They found another 7 eggs for us to play with :) and we are hoping and praying that these little eggs are the last lot I need to have sucked out of me cause as much as I love the warm blanket and the drugs and the juice and cookies ... I plan on being pregnant in 2 weeks time :) So fingers crossed these little eggs are better than the last lot and that at least one will have what it takes to go the distance. All going well, transfer will be on Wednesday and in the meantime I'm going to do my best not to worry too much about how many will or won't turn into embryos worth using.

Thursday, 6 September 2012

Trigger Happy!

Finally finished the stims :) And the sniffing! No more alarms going off morning and night thank goodness. Despite feeling pretty tired and foggy on the puregon, nothing too vague or crazy happened. I did manage to loose my keys for 24 hours but amazingly it didn't send me into a total melt down which I was half expecting. I just did my trigger and now we wait. ER is at 10.30am on Monday morning. I'm excited to finally be back at this point again and am really hoping the eggs are better this time. I've had a rediculous amount of EWCM and my ovaries are definately swollen. They actually kept me awake last night and I've felt pretty uncomfortable today. I feel like a bloated balloon down there so those follicles have gotta be doing something .... surely. I'm just praying they peak at the right time so my little eggs don't end up over cooked!

Wednesday, 5 September 2012

Alittle under done

So of course my follies are sloooooww growers. I was hoping to get the green light for a trigger but instead I have to stick with stimming a bit longer as they're still not big enough. I now have 6 contenders (yay!) and with another 3 days of stims hopefully a few more might join the party ;). Trigger is planned for Saturday night with pick-up on Monday morning. As much as I'm chomping at the bit to get these eggs out of there, I don't want them out if they aren't ready so I just need to be patient. I'm paranoid about spontaneously ovulating despite all the sniffing and I also feel a little uncomfortable about the pick-up being delayed past when I would normally ovulate. But I worried about this sort of thing last time and it all turned out fine so I just need to have alittle faith. Two more work days to get through ...

Monday, 3 September 2012

Are we there yet?

I don't know if it's the drugs, or all the running around from appointments, or how long a cycle takes or just all the waiting and hoping involved but I feel like I'm running on a flat battery at this point. I'm literally dragging myself through each day at work and struggling to get up in the morning. I don't feel stressed at all which is good but I do feel tired. It's a noticeable struggle to get my head into work right now while I'm floating around in this puregon induced fog and the syneryl headaches are not helping. I feel really unproductive and like I'm just going through the motions. I'm distracted by the fact that collection is just around the corner and my mind and body just wants to get there. It's been such a long cycle and I want to know if it's been worth it. I just want to trigger already. Hopefully the follicles on the scan tomorrow are ready to go cos I sure as shit am.

Quality not quantity?

So my scan today was unfortunately not as good as I'd hoped or at least my FS didn't seem to think so. I'm sitting there staring at her screen trying to figure out what's what and she's measuring away not saying anything. This is typical of my FS. I really do like having her as my specialist but sometimes I just wish she would give me a bit more information. So I ask if it's looking any better than last time and she's tells me "No, unfortunately it's not as good a response". My heart sinks and I feel totally confused because I'm sure I can see a number of follicles on the screen. Then she says, "There's only 5 follicles. 4 are a good size, and the other is alittle small. There's a few more tiny ones but at this stage they won't do anything." I'm thinking ... I'm sure 5 follicles is better than last time? She then starts talking about how we collected 7 eggs last go etc and it's unlikely we'll get more than 5 this time. Then she ends the conversation with the throw away comment "it only takes one" and leaves to let me get dressed. Ok ... So I know it only takes one, and yes I should be grateful I actually have 5 potentials at this point ... and I know this comment was meant as a comment of hope ... but it annoyed me. When I'm shelling out thousands of dollars per cycle I want more than one damn it and a comment like that makes me feel that's all she thinks I'll get again. So while I'm dressing myself I feel like challenging her about the number of follicles I had last time and how I miraculously ended up with twice as many eggs as expected, but of course I let it go. When I finally come out from behind the curtain she tells me to up the puregon to 450iu (which is the maximum dose my pen will dial) and come back for another scan on Wednesday. I drive to work feeling half ok and half upset. Part of me thinks it was a good scan and believes that it was better than last time regardless of what she said and I should feel good about that, but the other part of me is stuck on the fact that my FS (who obviously knows more than I do) said it was worse. So I don't know what to think. To be honest I'd really rather just keep my head in the sand till collection at this point given my experience of scans has been pretty negative to date. I just don't need to be stressing about numbers when the bottom lines is how many actually make it to transfer. I also hate that I have these scans right before I go to work cos it makes the whole day feel pretty crap. I had to get up at 5am to make it to the scan and the rest of the day I've had a stinker of a headache from the syneryl, so tonight I think I'll just have an early night and quit thinking about what is or isn't going on in my ovaries. I'm tired already and this week has only just begun ...

Sunday, 2 September 2012

Ovaries working overtime ...

The familiar feeling of bloat and swollen ovaries has started to return. I'm not sure how much action is going on down there but it's enough to make me feel less comfortable than usual and enough to make my loosest pants feel tight. Given I didn't start feeling like this till closer to trigger last time, I'm hoping this is a good sign but who knows. I really have no confidence in knowing what my body is doing right now. I've stopped going to the gym for the time being and plan to just try and do light exercise over the next few weeks. As ridiculous as it sounds, when I'm at the gym I feel like I'm going to pop a follicle or something so I think I'll just stick to walking and the exercise bike for now.

Since we've been feeling overdue for another mini getaway we decided to visit a farmstay in Bright this weekend. It's about a 4 hour drive from where we live. The girls loved being able to play with all the animals and we did lots of walking around the acres of paddocks exploring. We tried fishing in their dam which was apparently stocked but nothing was biting. The cottage we stayed in was freezing but the bed was cozy and warm so it was nice to sleep in for a bit which we rarely get to do. We also stopped at one of our favourite fishing spots on the way back so Scout could finally catch a fish which was long overdue.

Tomorrow I head back to the IVF clinic for another scan to see if all this bloat and discomfort actually equates to more follicles this time around. It will be day 10 and my last IVF scan at day 10 only showed 2 real contenders and 4 smaller follicles so I'm hoping the results of this scan will be little better. Fingers crossed!  Anyway, here is some pics from our weekend :)









Tuesday, 28 August 2012

Tired, Cranky and Bound for Crazy Town

Down reg scan was all good although a little gross given I'm 3 days into my period. I'm just relieved there wasn't anything on the screen that shouldn't have been there. I was half expecting a set back but thankfully I didn't need to worry. So we're all good to go with stimming. I've started at 400iu of puregon this time. Next scan is in a week, so lets hope I'll be loaded with follies by then. I'm still sniffing which is going ok but I'm tired and feeling a little flat from the meds and how drawn out this cycle is. My alarm goes off every morning and night reminding me to take my dose which is a good thing because I would never remember otherwise. I am actually starting to get a bit sick of taking the syneryl (and preconception vitamins too for that matter!) but you gotta do what you gotta do I guess. I actually worked out the other day that I have spent nearly $500 in preconception vitamins alone since we started this whole thing in December last year. I am starting to resent buying them each month because it's a reminder that we're still not pregnant. I keep hoping each box will be the last one so I can start buying pregnancy vitamins instead! But so far that is yet to change.

Anyway ... I am preparing myself for the craziness that comes with these high doses of puregon. Hopefully I don't get caught shoplifting or anything weird this time around. I've also been quite depressed from the other meds and pretty cranky lately. I feel bad because I haven't had alot of patience with the girls and have been snappy with Scout quite often in the morning lately. I just don't seem to be sleeping very well so I'm a little worried that I'll become quite unbearable to be around over the next few weeks as the drugs build up. How people do this cycle after cycle I have no idea. All I know is I need to try and relax, distract myself, be patient with those I love, and keep my head about me as I head into the business end of this cycle.

Saturday, 11 August 2012

8WW?

2 weeks down and probably 6 more to go. Damn this is going to be a looooong cycle! Along with the BCP, I start sniffing the synarel this week. Fingers crossed it puts to sleep any endometrosis that's flared up again since my laparoscopy. I am feeling relatively good about this cycle so far. I've been exercising almost every day and have finally lost most of the bloat from the last cycle which I honestly thought would never go. I had another reflexology session this week and will have one more before I start stimming. But the best thing this coming week will be that I get to hand over the stressful job that I've been backfilling for the last year and return to being just a regular clinician. Whoowhoo! I am looking forward to feeling alot less stressed and alot less guilty about taking time off work for the pick up and transfer. Stress was my biggest problem last time (that was within my control) so hopefully I'll be able to manage it a bit better this time.

This week our youngest also turned 5! I can't believe she is no longer a little toddler and will be starting school next year. Life is going to be alot easier next year with both our girls on the same schedule, at least until we get pregnant and have another little one on our hands!

Gosh I hope we have better luck this time around. Even if we got another BFN I think I'd be ok if we got some frosties out of it, cause I actually like the idea of a natural thaw cycle. But somehow I think that might be a bit of a pipe dream. Anyway ... I just need to concentrate on one week at a time. Let's hope this synarel stuff doesn't give me too my nasty side effects ...

Saturday, 4 August 2012

Miss Cranky Pants

Lately I feel like a cranky old lady that has nothing better to do but sit around and write letters of complaint. In the past couple of weeks I have lodged three complaints with three different organizations. I'm not normally big on making complaints but I guess I must have low tolerance for bullshit at the moment.

This week I wrote letters to my IVF clinic and another business I use at work that is not performing. The third was a dirty phone call to our realestate agent. I feel like a complaining cow and I have no doubt that that will be how others see me, but the reality is without feedback nothing changes.

This week I started on the BCP so Scout had to go into the clinic to pick up the meds. This is my third medicated cycle so you'd think by now we'd have things down to a fine art. Unfortunately when it comes to collection of meds we are still floundering around trying to figure out the rediculous system they have in place that's clearly not working. Everytime I start a cycle I call in my day 1 and I confirm with the nurse on the phone what meds to start when and where to go to pick them up. And everytime we go in to collect them, no one knows who we are or where our script is and we have to go through the same bullshit of trying to first find the script before they will give us the meds. This time, after being reassured by the nurse on the phone that the script would definately be waiting for us at reception, of course it still wasn't there and for the third time, Scout had to spend an hour dragging our 4 year old from one end of the facility to the other trying to track it down. She also had to endure the laughter of one of their reception staff who obviously found her frustration and confusion over the whole process amusing. I was working at the time so I didn't find out about this till I got home that night but needless to say I was wild when I heard Scout telling me that a member of staff had actually laughed at her. It's embarrassing enough feeling like you don't know what you're doing but then having the people who are suppose to be helping you, laugh at you instead, is just humiliating. I was pissed and spent that evening bashing out a letter of complaint which I emailed to them the very next day.

It's not like I want to get my clinic offside but I'm also not about to stand by and do nothing when my partner is treated like that. We pay big bucks for this stuff and they need to get their act together. Anyway ... enough of my bitching and moaning. If I'm like this now, god help everyone when I start on the stims!

Sunday, 29 July 2012

Ding Ding - Round 2

We are finally at cd1 of our second round of IVF :) Since we are doing a down reg cycle this time around, I'm basically just waiting to start the pill in a few days time. I'm excited to be starting a new cycle as I've been feeling a little frustrated by the lack of baby making action lately since we had to skip a cycle. Of course I've still got a few weeks before anything exciting happens and we get to see whether the changes for this cycle make any difference to the egg count and quality, but I feel good about being back in the saddle again (so-to-speak!).

Since my last post I've been popping lots of different pills every day, exercising a bit more (we bought an exercise bike), trying hard to reduce the acidity in my diet (which is VERY hard to do) and generally trying to de-stress. I've also had 3 reflexology sessions and in 3 more weeks my load at work should be halfed, so I am really looking forward to having a much less stressful, guilt free cycle this time around. At least that's the plan! The cost of this cycle has gone up by about $500 with the new financial year so I have been madly sorting out my tax return to hopefully pay for the next 2 cycles. Apart from that, our girls are back and family life is well and truly in full swing again with all the usual fun and games :)

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

Reflexology, pill popping and a new protocol



Halfway through my week off work and I'm slowly starting to feel a little less stressed. Scout and I are missing the girls but we're enjoying having some much needed quality time together. Last weekend we went to Echuca and stayed in a cabin on the Murray River for two nights. It was great. We took the boat with us and went fishing. Still didn't catch anything (much to Scouts frustration), but we did enjoy exploring the river. I almost fell in the water once trying to brake off a snag and we ran out of petrol coming back, about 100m from the boat ramp! The engine just cut out and the current started taking us backwards. We had to break out the oars and row against the current to the nearest shore LOL. Alittle embarrassing and Scout was petrified we were going to get bitten by a snake climbing up the embankment. Fortunately it wasn't much of a walk to find the car and go get more petrol, but we've decided to invest in a reserve tank now as that could have been a nightmare if we'd been further away or worse if we had the girls with us! Anyway, we can laugh about it now :).

Monday I spent the whole day in the garden which I haven't done in ages, cleaning up the vegie patch, rotating our compost bins, chopping back tress and racking up leaves.  I could barely walk by the end of the day but I enjoyed it.  And yesterday we had a big day on the TTC front with two appointments planning our next round of IVF.

By a random coincidence it turns out Scout's sister has an ex whose mother does Reflexology with a special interest in fertility so we've decided to give her a go as she has a very good success rates with her clients. Scout contacted her last week and yesterday we had our first appointment with her. She seems very nice, understands alot about the IVF process and has worked with IVF clinics before so I feel pretty confident that she will be able to help us - even if all she does is help me cope with stress a bit better. She explained how her therapy compliments an IVF cycle and at what stages of the cycle we need to see her. She gave me a relaxation cd, recommended an alkaline diet and while she couldn't "prescribe" she has suggested we consider taking Vitex to help with egg quality and baby aspirin every second day to address any possible implantation or clotting issues. The Vitex sounded like a good idea but I was alittle worried about the baby aspirin. She said because I have an A blood group and an english background, I'd be more prone to having "sticky" blood which can sometimes effect implantation. She said that clotting issues are expensive to test for so IVF clinics often wait till you've had 3 or more miscarriages or failed cycles before they consider testing for it and then prescribing the baby aspirin. I guess I don't really want to take something unless I know I need it and a doctor prescribes it ... But I also don't want to go through 3 failed cycles or miscarriages if all I needed to do was take a little baby aspirin every other day. Anyway, I'm in two minds about this. I also asked her about Royal Jelly and Baca which I've been reading a bit about lately but she seemed to think these things might not be the best idea to take due to their potency and side effects. I'm not sure if any of you have ever tried this stuff or the Vitex or baby aspirin but I'd like to hear your thoughts on them if you have any.

We also had an appointment in the afternoon with our FS, so I asked her about the baby aspirin and she said she didn't feel it was indicated at present and left it at that. Scout also asked her about HDEA and she said she didn't think I needed that either and that it would just make me hairy LOL. Instead she has recommended a down regulation cycle to put to sleep any endometrosis that might still be active at the moment and then start stimming at 400iu Puregon with the hope that we'll get better numbers. I was a little surprised as I've heard some low responders say that their ovaries have had trouble waking back up on this protocol, but my FS didn't think it would be an issue. So it looks like we are headed for the long cycle of bcp followed by stimming and sniffing syneryl before we get to collection. I'm actually ok with this as it gives us more time to save and work of egg quality. AF is due at the end of the month but I have plenty to work on in the meantime ... Primarily getting my stress under control, figuring out how to make this alkaline diet work for me, getting rid of the belly bloat I've got going on and getting a few reflexology sessions under my belt.

5 more days till I have to go back to work, so today I think I'll make some "alkaline" soup of some description and give this relaxation cd a crack :)

Monday, 2 July 2012

The aftermath

This would have to be the heaviest period I have ever had. I'm not cramping as much as I thought I would but I'm still really uncomfortable and there seems to be no end to the clots that keep coming. I was surprised that my period arrived almost immediately after stopping the progesterone. One skipped dose and the next morning it was there. I'm not complaining ... In fact I'm glad I didn't have to wait too long for it to come. But it's a little scary to know that one missed dose could have that effect. Another unexpected side effect, which I'm assuming is the result of 'hormone withdrawal', is nausea. I haven't puked but I've felt pretty damn close to it. It actually woke me up the first night it was so bad. I just feel really sick and really uncomfortable.

Despite feeling like hell, I still went to work today and was a total space cadet. My boss was really concerned because she knows I've had lots of medical appointments and she knows I'm not right but she doesn't know why or what's wrong. Anyway, long story short, she's convinced me to take a week off work. I'm just shattered and under normal circumstances if I felt like this I wouldn't be dragging myself to work. I'd take a sick day or two or organise some annual leave, but I've taken so much time off work this year I've just felt like it's not an option to take more. So I've just kept pushing myself to keep going and keep it all together ... But clearly the cracks are starting to show. Anyway I guess I just needed someone to give me "permission" to take time out and fortunately I have a very insightful and supportive manager whose done exactly that. So ... I'm taking next week off. I am tired, run down and looking forward to having a rest. The girls are away at their dad's so Scout and I will have time to ourselves. She has been so great through all this, always knowing the right thing to say and putting up with my crankiness one minute and tears the next. She's so patient and loving and I am so lucky to have her. This BFN has hit her just as hard as me, so having some time off on our own together will be good for both of us.

Tuesday, 25 December 2012

Merry Christmas :)

It's been a long and crazy month but we've survived all the birthdays and Christmas festivities along side our failed cycle.  I have been emotionally up and down over the past week and Scout has been incredibly patient and supportive of me considering I haven't exactly been a bundle of joy to hang out with lately.  But as bummed as I've been, I only have to visit some of my clients from work, turn on the news or read a few blogs by others to put things in perspective.  Another failed cycle isn't the end of the world.  We will bounce back and find a way financially to try again :). In the meantime, we're going camping!  I hope you all have a wonderful Xmas break x


Merry Christmas!


Wednesday, 19 December 2012

5 stages of grief in 8 hours of work

Denial: Right now there's only one line but maybe it just needs more time.
Anger: Why the fuck didn't they tell me Pregnyl can delay your period?!
Bargaining (or in my case 'Begging'): Please god, please don't let this be another BFN.
Depression: Who am I kidding. I'm incapable of getting pregnant. I give up.
Acceptance (of sorts): It's a BFN. Just bleed already so I can have a fucking drink.

That was my day today. It would be nice to think that acceptance could be achieved in 8 hours but unfortunately I'm still bitter and twisted. The brown had turned to red. I'm not even going in for the blood test tomorrow. It's Scout's birthday and I'll be fucked if I'm leaving home at 5.45am on her birthday to go in for a blood test that tells me jack shit. It can happen when it suits me. And as for this baby making shit ... I am beyond over it. I've wasted a year, $25 K and my last shred of sanity on it, all for nothing. I'm over it. I can't do it. 3 transfers, 5 embryos. Seriously, how can I have ready made embryos placed in my uterus and still not get pregnant? What the hell is wrong with me?!! IVF is a fucking rort.


Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Still in limbo

AF didn't show ... But we still don't have two lines on a stick. Had some minor brown spotting last night and this morning. Looks like I'm in for another day of anxiety every time I go to the toilet. Strangely enough I wasn't crushed by the BFN this morning. Confused but not crushed. I've had different symptoms this cycle which have possibly given me more confidence than perhaps I should have at this point, but essentially ... I'm not ready to except that we are out just yet.

Monday, 17 December 2012

12dp2dt ... AF due date

No sign of her yet but still plenty of symptoms to suggest she's on her way. If she's coming, I think it'll be this afternoon. Going to be a long and stressful day. We still haven't tested but I was silly enough to start temping again over the last few days and this morning I saw a big dip that made my heart sink. I did however have a drink of water absent mindedly in my semi sleep state before shoving the thermometer in my mouth so I'm hoping that is what caused the dip.

I am tired and sick of work and ready for this week to just end and holidays to begin. Even Jazz was a cranky pants about getting ready for kinder this morning and that's usually the one thing she's happy to get ready for.

Anyway ... I am stressing. If we're still in the game tomorrow morning we'll test. Crapping my pants about the idea of that as well!

Saturday, 15 December 2012

It's beginning to feel alot like AF ... 10dp2dt

Yesterday in the middle of Charlie's party I suddenly felt like AF had arrived. As soon as we had everyone settled in the cinema, I ran out to the toilet expecting the worst and there was nothing ... just excess CM or something. I'm glad it was nothing but I still have this feeling like AF is eminent. It's got me worried and on top of that I've just felt nervous in general, like my tummy has butterflies and my heart's gonna jump out of my chest! Anyway ... I am doing my best not to over think this stuff right now and stay distracted but it's getting harder the closer we get to my AF due date.

The party was ... FULL.ON. Let's just say Charlie will not be having a party next year. It was chaos all thanks to one little girl who Charlie is best friends with and who we would rather she didn't hang out with anymore. We've had this kid over before and been unimpressed but figured she was perhaps alittle misunderstood or something ... but now we know she's just plan nasty. Her behavior was atrocious and of course Charlie went along with it much to our discust. This kid was throwing crayons around the resturant, deliberately standing on and rubbing the crayons into the ground with her feet, running around and crawling under tables, ramming her hand into full glasses of water emptying the contents all over the table, pouring a ton of maple syrup onto her plate and then licking it back up like a dog, not listening, not sharing, being nasty to Jazz, somehow managing to pour a whole drink all over both Charlie and her seats in the cinema ... You name it, this kid did it. She even twisted Charlie's arm to the point where she was in tears in the car! Why Charlie is friend with this girl I have no idea but it's gonna stop. She was just out of control ... And if you asked her to stop she defiantly did it even more while looking at you. She is a serious piece of work and Scout was literately rocking in the corner after having to drive there and back with this kid in her car. Fortunately we took two cars so I didn't have to endure this child in a confined space. On numerous occasions I was ready to remove her from the party and make her sit outside with me for the rest of the afternoon while everyone else enjoyed the movie. Honestly ... It was bad. And I really felt bad for some of the other kids who were really nice and must have been wondering what planet this kid was from. Anyway ... The fact that Charlie went along with her behavior, also not listening, made us quite disappointed in her, so unfortunately she spent the rest of the afternoon in her room after it was over. Hmmm ...

On a lighter note, I had to make small talk with one of the other mother's at the resturant while waiting for Scout and her load to show up. This mother clearly didn't have a clue who I was since I'm rarely the one picking Charlie up from school and I think I shocked her alittle when she figured out that I was in fact Charlie's 'other mother' and Scout's partner. She said "Oh ... Oh, oh, umm, oh right, oh ... Yes now things make sense ... (nervous laugh)" lol. I was half waiting for her to grab her kid and run. It was interesting. Fortunately she didn't and in the end she was even happy enough for me (the lesbian) to even drop her kid home afterwards. On the way home her daughter confirmed that despite telling her mum that Charlie had two mums and was in a "rainbow family", apparently her mum didn't know what that was. I guess we've enlightened her :). Anyway at least she was relatively ok about it, cos we've had other mother's who aren't so fine with it. We are still living and learning along the way with our girls as they make new friends and grow older. Fortunately Charlie hasn't endured any bullying or hurt to date in relation to having two mums but we are waiting and dreading the day it ever happens.

Anyway ... I hope these AF symptoms are just a red herring and we are still in the game next Thursday. I am nervous as hell about POAS this time. I want to know if it's a BFP but I'm not ready to see a BFN. It's such a double edged sword!

Friday, 14 December 2012

Staying distracted at 9dp2dt

I don't think we could have picked a more perfect time to endure a TWW. There is just so much going on for us in December that we've hardly had time to dwell on things this time. It's been great! We now have less than a week left till the beta and even less till AF, with plenty of distractions still up our sleeve.

Thursday was Charlie's birthday. She loves her new Furby and is actually alittle obsessed with it at the moment. No doubt it will wear off but right now it's the only present she's playing with apart from this giant remote control nemo helium balloon Scout's mum gave her.
The Furby
And the birthday girl!
Yesterday I finished work early to go to Jazz's kinder concert. It was cute but the songs went on longer than the kids were interested in singing and Jazz spent most of it just staring at the audience and wriggling around. She had to dress up as a rabbit and since rabbit ears aren't exactly in huge supply at this time of year we had to make some late Thursday night. I also painted her face before dropping her off and she looked very cute but of course by the time the concert came around it was half wiped off.
One super cute rabbit :)
Today we have Charlie's birthday party which is basically pancake's at the Pancake Parlour and a movie. She has invited 4 of her school friends to come so it shouldn't be too big of an ordeal but she does tend to become a little "silly" when she's around her friends.  And tomorrow we plan on sleeping in. Thank goodness!!! We are both exhausted and overdue for a lazy day at home doing nothing. Having said that, at some point I need to buy a kris Kringle present for work and sort out a few other things for Scout's birthday on the 20th.

I'm both excited and nervous about the next few days and finding out the outcome of this cycle. I am praying my period stays away and am counting down the days to the beta but having been stung before by disappointment on the test date I am starting to prepare myself for the possibility of bad news again. I always convince myself I'm pregnant and end up disappointed so this time I'm trying not to go there. If we get a BFN at least I'll be starting holidays two days later and I can drown my disappointment in food, drink and general festivities over Christmas and new years. But I really hope that's not the case. Please, please, please, please let this be the one...

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

6dp2dt

The wait is going ok ... although I still wish it would go faster! I am keeping a list of any odd things I notice each day but they are all relatively minuscule / non existent. In general, I don't feel any different from how I usually feel. The only big change I have noticed over the last 3 days is I am thirsty all the time. I have always struggled to increase my fluid intake so I rarely drink more than half a litre at work each day, but this week I am suddenly getting through 1.5-2 litres a day and that's just during working hours. For some reason I just feel the need to drink alot. It has been pretty warm here lately though, so Scout thinks that's all it is. She refuses to read into any of the little things I notice or mention. This morning I had my second HCG shot and I was tempted to test before hand just to see if the last shot was fully of of my system but she wouldn't let me. I wanted to know so I could calculate how long after this second shot we would need to wait before we could test but Scout has told me I'm not allowed to :(. She is trying her best to keep me grounded this time. My period is due next Tuesday so we have agreed not to test till after then.

Apart from the wait we have been preparing for both Christmas and Charlie's birthday. On Saturday I spent ages running around trying to find a 'Furby' for her which is the only thing she said she wants for her birthday. It turns out that also seems to be 'the' gift for kids her age for Christmas this year because they are sold out everywhere!!! We ended up having to buy one at a ridiculously inflated price on ebay so I really hope she's likes it. On sunday we finished making and writing our Christmas cards, made a gingerbread house that turned into a bit of a mess because the icing started melting in the heat and all the lollies kept dropping off, and I helped Charlies make a dream catcher which she tells me is working really well. Apparently she saw it wobble the other night when it caught one of her bad dreams ;). Anyway ... Tomorrow is her birthday so I will let you know how the Furby goes down. Hope everyone else in a cycle is travelling ok!

Friday, 7 December 2012

2dp2dt

Given I've just spent the last couple of months waiting for this cycle to come around, two more weeks should go by pretty quickly ... right? So far I'm managing to keep my mind off the baby station but of course in the back of my head I keep wondering what's going on in there and whether our two embies are still ok.

Distractions so far ... Charlie's school Christmas concert was on Thursday night after the transfer. It was cute but a little disappointing given her class didn't even perform a Christmas carol. What is with that? Everyone in her class wore a little Indian type head dress with feathers but Charlie had to be different and insisted on wearing her rudolph ears and nose lol. We stood at the back to watch and a family with newborn twin boys pulled their pram up beside us. An omen? Who knows, but let's just say I'm glad it wasn't twin girls ;)

Yesterday we were all pretty tired from being up late at the concert. Work was bearable and I keep myself well distracted with clients until I got home last night. Night time I think is the worst because I start surfing the net on my phone or reading pregnancy books or watching the health channel. Last night Scout and I were actually both home together which was nice but I was so tired from such a busy week, I was off to sleep by 9pm.

Today I have a reflexology appointment and I just had my first Pregnyl shot. Scout is working so I'm dropping the girls with her mum and will go shopping for Charlie's birthday after the reflexology. Then I've got Christmas cards to write and gingerbread to bake so I think I should be suitably distracted. Only 2 and a bit weeks to Christmas! How crazy is that?!

The first of only two shots for this entire cycle!

How cute are these raindeers that keep following us around?!

Family photo with Santa :)

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

The Call

This morning I got the call I was hoping I wouldn't get. It's never a good thing to get a call from your FS in person on the morning of your transfer. She said they had thawed a 4 cell embie and only 2 of the 4 cells survived and neither of the two cells had continued dividing so it wasn't looking good. She recommended thawing the second and I agreed. So I basically spent the rest of the morning in a fairly non-productive state at work worrying about how the second would thaw and whether we would actually have anything to transfer. But to my great relief the second one thawed beautifully and turned out to be a lovely 8 cell by the time it was transferred. They actually transferred both even though they weren't confident about the 2 cell one. So we are now officially in the wait and I am just hoping and praying that my uterus is kind to these little guys and does everything possible to help them stick. I did my best to get a pic but it's not very good ...

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

T-1 to TWW

Transfer is booked for 12.20 tomorrow and I'm guessing our little frosty should be a 'defrostie' by now. I am just hoping and praying it starts growing again the way it should. Unfortunately 12.20 tomorrow is smack bang in the middle of one of Scout's appointments and she really can't change it so I will be doing this transfer on my own. I doubt I'll be able to get a pic of the embryo this time cos I'll be in the chair with a catheter insitu and the screen is too far away from the chair to get a decent shot. So I guess this little ones first pic will just have to be a sono pic instead ;). Ohhh please let this be the one. I can't believe we will finally be in the wait again. I will need to keep myself super distracted this time as I'm already feeling a little stir crazy wondering about the outcome. We've had another pregnancy announcement at work this week and these things usually come in 3's so surely number 3 has gotta be me ... Right?! Fingers crossed this one sticks :).

Monday, 3 December 2012

Surge ;)

The blood test this morning took ages to come through so I had to go in for the scan and then hang around and wait for the results. I couldn't leave in case the results were negative cos then I'd need to pick up a trigger shot. So after 2 hours of waiting they told me the results where inconclusive and I had to have yet another blood test. They let me go back to work after that and rang this afternoon to confirm that I have officially surged :) Yay! So the transfer is planned for Thursday but we won't know the time till the day beforehand. I am so glad I don't need the trigger :). This means the only drugs I'll be taking this cycle are for leutal phase support. I'll be having Pregnyl shots rather than the progesterone pessaries this time so I won't be able to test at all because I'll run the risk of a false positive. I'm alittle bummed by that but at least it'll save me the psychological trauma of the dreaded sticks and I won't have to deal with yucky stuff up my twat! A Thursday transfer also means the beta test will fall on the 20th which is Scout's birthday :) Fingers crossed she gets the present we are both hoping for cos I really don't wanna spoil her birthday with another BFN.

Sunday, 2 December 2012

Negative day post positive OPK

I got a positive OPK this morning and went in for a blood test. Apparently they won't get the results back till tomorrow so basically I need to leave home at 7am tomorrow for my 8.20am scan which I may or may not actually need to go to based on these results. Oh well ... I guess I'll just start driving and hope they call me with a yes or no before I get too far past my work ... but I'm pretty sure I won't be needing the scan. If the bloods come back positive for the surge I'm assuming my transfer will be either Wednesday or Thursday. I'm really hoping it's not Wednesday as that's the one day Scout will not be able to come and even Thursday isn't looking too good. I know it's not essential that she be there for it, but it is kinda the key procedure in the whole process and the one we'd really prefer to be together for. So we are both a little bummed about how the timing of things seems to be panning out but what can you do.

This weekend we made shortbread biscuits with the girls and got our Chrissy photo done with Santa :). And then we came home to find a planning permit notice stapled to our fence. We live in a rented house and the owner is a total bitch. She has been coming in and out and had a valuer, surveyor and arborist come check out the place over the past 6 months. We've suspected she might be planning to subdivide the block and have been asking the realestate what's going on for months but they've kept us in the dark till today when we came home and saw the notice. It's fucking rude and we are pissed to say the least. We rented this place because it had a big yard for the animals and the kids, and also storage for all our camping, gardening and extra miscellaneous stuff. Subdivision will mean we'll have no yard - nowhere for our animals, no storage, nowhere for our boat or camper trailer, no more veggie patch and no space even for the kids swings! Basically it means we are gonna have to move. And we don't want to move. We are really happy and settled where we are. There are only 10 other places in town for rent and they are shitholes that don't meet our needs. So not only are we now faced with having to move house but we might also have to leave the town we currently live in (which we love) and our kids are going to have to change their school which is an awesome school and one of the main reasons we moved to this town in the first place. I am so depressed and stressed just thinking about it. And I am so sick of being a part of this rental rat race where we have no control over anything. I wish we could just buy a place and not have to deal with anyone else's shit but of course we've spent our deposit on IVF ... Not that we have anything to show for it. Ugh! Not.happy.Jan.

Thursday, 29 November 2012

OPKs, spiders and stinkin hot weather!

Soooo ... Still not much to report yet for this cycle. I had a reflexology session last weekend which was nice. Haven't had one for awhile since we were on a break so it was nice to catch up with my reflexologist and hear about all the exciting new pregnancies amongst her clientele :) I have to say I am yet to experience any serious jealousy in relation to hearing news about other people's pregnancies. Another girl at work recently announced she was expecting and I was intrigued moreso than jealous but I guess that's because we've only been trying for a year and haven't had to endure that many BFNs ... yet. Before we started this whole TTC process I remember being bitterly jealous of people who got pregnant because I felt like that was something I'd never get to experience. Just getting on the TTC train seemed like a pipe dream back then so I guess I just feel lucky to now be able to actually try which is more than we could do prior to 2010 when lesbians weren't eligible to access IVF clinics or donor sperm in our state. Crazy ... Anyway, I'm sure my jealous twin will raise her ugly head again a some point in the not too distant future but for now we're doing ok. How much longer we can afford to keep trying is another thing entirely and if we do reach a point where we have to give up for financial reasons I think I'll go back to being bitter and twisted again pretty quickly!

So far this 'natural cycle' business is going ok. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm actually IN a cycle. There's been very little I've needed to do which is a nice. I had a scan with my FS yesterday. One small 12mm follicle on day 9. I am now pissing on OPKs till Monday (day 14) and if I don't get a positive before then I'll need another scan. But essentially we are just twiddling our thumbs waiting for ovulation. We've decided to only put one back this time. I was keen to try two again but Scout was concerned that if we used two and got another BFN we'd be out of embryos and back to square one (ie putting up with me on crazy hormones again!) so we've decided to be 'conservative' with our last two. Of course my FS also reminded me (again) that it's possible one or both of our frosties might not survive the thaw so perhaps we will be up for another stim cycle whether we like it or not. Ugh ... I really hope that doesn't happen. Losing one or both in the thaw would be more than a little disappointing. I really don't wanna think about that.

Anyway aside from TTC, we have put up our christmas tree and lights :). A little early I know, but we need to be ahead of the game with everything we have going on in December. We also have spiders everywhere outside at the moment so I had to cobweb the eves before putting up the lights and I got Scout to spray as well. Spiders don't really bother me but Scout is petrified of them and of course when you spray they come running out everywhere so she was beside herself for awhile out there dodging them as they came spiraling down on they're webs left right and centre. I felt a bit bad making her do it but I can't be around the spray so I couldn't help her. Anyway I think she felt better once she got the upper hand but it was touch and go for awhile there!

Apart from that, Charlie participated in the Colour run last weekend which she loved. We will all have to do it next year. And today I got a little award at our last staff meeting for the year which was also combined with a Christmas lunch. It was a staff recognition award that your peers nominate for and I got a $50 voucher out of it so I'm pretty happy with that :)

We also had an absolute stinker today - 39 degrees Celsius. Dunno what that is in fahrenheit, but let's just say it's bloody hot and apparently it got up to 45 degrees in a few other areas which is nasty. We live in a high bush fire danger area so it's always a worry when the temperature spikes and the winds pick up. Anyway I am going to attempt to get some sleep now but I'm not sure how much luck I'll have since it looks like we're in for a hot and sticky night. We only have aircon in the lounge room so we may well have to sleep on the floor down there if we don't get a cool change anytime soon.  Anyway here's some pics for this post ...

Charlie before the run :)

The girls decorating the whole tree on their own this year.

The lights up after annihilating the spiders :)


Thursday, 22 November 2012

Sexy wife saves damsel in distress

The sexy wife would be mine and the damsel would be me :) This morning my lady came to the rescue of me and my car after it decided to blow a hose somewhere between the country town we live in and the place I work. Cranky me was having a mini rant to myself in the car on my way to work about the teachers at Charlie's school refusing to write report cards this year as part of their protest for a pay rise (*@#!). Clearly my car sensed the steam coming out of my ears and decided to blow a hose as well in sympathy. Of course I didn't notice the smoke billowing out from under the bonnet while driving at 100km/hr until another kind driver pulled infront on me to slow me down. Luckily I had mobile coverage and could call my ex-truckie super mechanic wife who cancelled her 9.30 appointment and raced out to help me. I was cursing myself for forgetting to renew our roadside assist and was pretty convinced that we could now kiss any Christmas presents good bye but in less than an hour Scout had Buffy and I back on our way again :) I am so lucky to have such a wonderful wife who is so clever and who will drop everything to come rescue me - whether I need my radiator fixed or just a middle of the night snack. I love you baby. Thank you for saving me! Ever since the first day I saw you crawl under a car I knew you were me one for me ;) lol

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

Cd1 Natural Thaw


My last day 1 for 2012! After 3 very different stim cycles, I am relieved to finally get to try a natural cycle. No drugs, a scan at day 9/10, some blood tests, some OPK piss sticks and a transfer 2/3 days post ovulation. Talk about easy peasy! Our frosties have been very patient waiting their turn so I'm looking forward to them being put back and I'm hoping and praying that the lack of drugs, surgery and stress this time round = a happy, healthy and extra sticky ute for them.

At the start of this year a clairvoyant told me we would have a baby on the way by Christmas. I am really hoping she's right ... But just incase she isn't, I am going to have to work pretty hard not to get my hopes up this cycle. It would be nice to finally see a BFP, but if we don't get it, I plan on drinking and eating whatever I want over Xmas and new years ;)

Apart from AF arriving today, I got flowers delivered to my work last week courtesy of my beautiful wife :)  And Scout and I went on a fishing charter over the weekend and caught a ton of fish ... Finally! We caught mostly flathead, but Scout also got a snapper. There were a few other nasty looking fish we snagged and had to throw back and I hooked an eagle ray at one point that put up more of a fight than I bargained for (my left arm is still recovering from it!) but we fished for 8 hours solid and could have kept going. It was awesome :)


Anyway ... 1 day down and 27 more to go. Since there won't be much exciting stuff happening this cycle (apart from the BFP at the end of it!) I will keep you posted with some of the many distractions I have planned to help me stay sane!

Scout and I actually  bought each other flowers on the same day without realising


Scout hooking up a Snapper
Me with another one on the line ;)






Friday, 16 November 2012

Feeling festive!

This week Scout and I switched roles alittle as her business kicked into overdrive. Normally I'm at work full time and Scout is part time shuffling her appointments around to fit in with the kids and school / kinder / daycare drop offs and pick ups. But this week Scout has been working crazy hours with some 7.30am starts and a couple of 1am finishes so I have been sorting the girls which has been nice. I often feel like I miss out on alot of stuff with them because of my work so it was nice this week to let work take a back seat and spend more time with the them - as crazy and hectic as it has been!

On top of juggling the girls, I have also caught a touch of Christmas fever this week which is kinda nice since I had trouble getting into the spirit of things last year. Over the last month or so I have been buying up on solar christmas lights to deco the outside of the house so I can't wait to put them up next weekend. Jazz and I also got stuck into making our traditional mango chutney which we have with our Christmas ham and give to others as gifts. Making mango chutney is one thing that never fails to make me smile. It's my nan's recipe so I love it and it was cute having Jazz help this year with chopping up all the apples ;)

Also this week I had my post op review which was all good so now I'm just waiting around for my period to kick start our last cycle for this year :) My GP had to write me a new referral for my FS as my old one is about to expire, so as of the start of December we will have been offically on the ART merri-go-round for a year. Hopefully we are in for an little pre Christmas surprise that will graduate us from that ride and onto a much more exciting one in the new year!

Jazz chopping apples for the chutney.  She's also rocks fruit salad ;)

Mmmmm ... all that goodness simmering down to pure yum!

The finished product ... ready for Christmas :) 


Monday, 5 November 2012

A crampy day and a double Liebster!

First let me say I am NOT A FAN of Misoprostol. My FS did mention it had some 'unpleasant side-effects' but f*#k me! I took two tablets 6 hours before my surgery today and within 20mins I was cramping like nobody's business. First I thought I was going to crap myself, then I thought I was gonna pass out. It was pretty much the equivalent of the worst ever period cramps and I couldn't take anything for it! I spent the first hour dashing back and forth to the toilet trying not to pass out. Almost thought I was going to have to just curl up on the floor in the toilet for awhile there since being vertical was not an option, but thankfully Scout rescued me with a heat pack and a cold washer. I was seriously starting to wonder how the heck I was going to cope sitting in the waiting room but thankfully by the time we got in there, things had eased off to a point that I could handle. The actual procedure itself went off without a hitch and I was up and out of there in no time :) They managed to get the bigger scope in this time (so I guess all that cramping was worth it) and apparently everything looked fine. She took a biopsy and I still have to go back for a post op review but hopefully it's all clear and we get the go ahead for a natural cycle when my periods starts in 2 weeks!

Apart from the D&C, I was also nominated for a Liebster Blog Award by not one but two fellow bloggers :) - Lexi and Sarah at 'Our baby making journey' and Mamma V. Thanks ladies :)



So as part of the deal I need to answer their questions, nominate other blogs with less than 200 followers, and give the new nominees some questions to answer.  Here are my answers to Lexi, Sarah and Mamma Vs questions :)

1. What's your favorite season and why?
Favourite season would have to be spring :). I love watching the trees and gardens come back to life after winter. Seeing new buds grow and flowers that only blossom once a year. But my absolute favourite part is all the baby lambs and little ducklings following their mamas around in the fields near where we live. That's when I know spring had truly sprung :)
2. What is something you can't live without?
'Buffy' ... My car. I'm very lazy, live in a country town with limited public transport and both the girls school and my work are waaaaaay to far to walk to everyday. If I need to get somewhere, move something or toe a trailer ... She's my girl ;)
3. If you could vacation anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?
Probably somewhere in Africa for the landscapes, coastlines and amazing animals. Our girls would also benefit from playing with kids of other cultures, especially those who have to struggle for the basics in life.
4. If given the ability to change one thing in this world, what would you choose?
To eliminate poverty. It's an epidemic.
5. Do you have any regrets in life?
Not coming out sooner! Who knows how many cute lesbians I missed out on while pretending to be straight and wasting time lusting after straight women!! But seriously, my life just improved a billion times after I finally accepted myself, fessed up to the world and discovered lesbian women :) I think the year I finally came out was the best year of my life and it makes me sad to think that others never get there.
6. Why did you start blogging?
To record our baby making journey and pay it forward. Other people's blogs have been the greatest source of information and enlightenment for me throughout this whole process. They've given me hope and also helped me keep things in perspective. I really struggled to find Aussie lesbian TTC blogs to follow so I figured I should put one out there.
7. What is your best trait?
I care.
8. What is your worst trait?
My temper ... I'm a bit of a snappy tom at times.
9. What is your best childhood memory?
Spending weekends at my Nan's, reading books while watching Daddy Long Leg's crawl up the wall of her spare bedroom, swimming in the creek near her house, eating ham and pickle sandwiches with her sitting in the grass, trolling through her old photos for hours on end and sitting in her big recliner chair eating bacon and eggs on a tray in front of the tele. I loved my nan and I loved hanging out with her and sitting in her big old chair. She died about 10 years ago but I can still feel her around me. I made my mum keep her old chair and I sit in it whenever I visit :)
10. Who are 3 people you would love to have dinner with (living or dead)? They would all be family members who have passed (my nan, Scout's nan who I never got to meet, and my poppa). But if I had to pick celebs ... It would be Lady Diana for all the gossip, Joan of Arc for inspiration, and the Dalai Lama for insight and a good laugh :)
11. Who is someone you miss?
My nan ... and my mum.

Phew! Onto nominating other blogs, this is a little hard as both ladies who nominated me have already nominated many people I would have! So I've done my best to share the love but there was still a few already nominated that I just had to nom again!

1. My TTC Obstacle Course - I love the humor and language in this blog. It's genuine and direct and has made me 'laugh out loud' on numerous occasions :)
2. Lezbemoms - These two women are amazing! Prepping for one baby and ending up with two!
3. Double Trouble Bangkok - An already popular blog but still eligible for and very much deserving of a Liebster (and a foot rub by the looks of that last post!)
4. Baby Mama(s) Drama - Another great read with lots of insights and cute pics :)
5. And baby makes 3 ... hopefully - A grounding blog. They've had a rough trott so I have everything crossed that good things are just around the corner of them :)
6. Two birds building a nest - Not a very active blog these days after the birth of their twins but I really loved following their journey when they were blogging lots, and I have to give credence to the fact that this was the blog that inspired me to start blogging!
7. The Terrells Journey - A cute couple and a funny read. Due any day now!!
8. Bao in the Oven - Another oldie but goodie that makes me laugh :)
9. The Daily Adventures of Two Girls in Love - A 'pink' blog about two lovely ladies who now have two very cute babies!
10. Thoughts of Babies - Two ladies that deserve a boost. Fingers crossed better things come their way real soon :)
11.  .....   I can't think of any more that haven't already been nominated ... I'm recovering from my 4th general anesthetic for the year!

Unfortunately I have trouble posting a comment on some of these blogs so I'm not even sure how to let some of the wordpress ones even know I've nominated them but anyway ... Here are my questions for those who do get my messages :)

1. Favourite Christmas tradition?
2. Worst gift you've ever been given.
3. Best gift you've ever been given.
4. Scariest encounter.
5. Most embarrassing moment.
6. A guilty pleasure.
7. Something you're proud of.
8. Worst habit.
9. A food you don't like.
10. Someone you admire
11. Favourite jelly bean :)

Happy blogging!

Friday, 2 November 2012

Can you believe it's November?!

Even though I feel like I've lived most of this year from cycle to cycle (and much of it has seemed to drag!), I'm still surprised by how close Christmas suddenly seems. I am really looking forward to the holiday season but we still have a heck of alot of thing we need to get through between now and then. We have loads of birthdays, an awesome fishing trip in bass strait and of course we need to get pregnant ;) all before we can even start to think about Xmas! This week at work was insane trying to make up for the fact that I won't be there much next week due to my D&C, Melbourne Cup and an OT conference. I also had my pre-op appointment with Dr P last Monday which was basically a very short conversation so she can say I have been 'informed' about what the procedure will involve (again).

So the D&C will be Monday afternoon (finally!). I have to take some drugs 6 hours beforehand to soften my cervix so they can get the necessary tools in there. My last D&C they struggled and had to use a very narrow catheter and extra thin scope to get in there to do anything. They couldn't even take pictures because the scope they had to use had terrible resolution. So I'm hoping this time they'll be able to dilate me enough to get a decent scope with higher res in there. I'm certainly not wanting them to find anything as that would screw up my FET in december but it's always been in the back of my head that the crappy scope they used the first time may have missed something. Anyway, I'm just hoping the dilatation works and we are good to go for an easy FET next cycle. Fingers crossed that's how everything plays out.

Thursday, 1 November 2012

A Cute Pic ...

Just had to snap this shot when I came home yesterday and found two little witches looking out from our back deck :)



Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Breaking bad

While I have been keeping up with everyone's blogs, I haven't felt like doing anything much with my own lately. I don't know why. Perhaps it needs a facelift or something to make me feel better about it. It's not like I haven't got anything to say lately ... it's more that I haven't felt like processing things too much. I'm in avoidance mode at the moment, possibly because I'm not a very big fan of the person I seem to have become since we've been on the TTC journey. This time last year I had an awesome veggie patch planted out with loads of yummy fruit and vege which I was watering and weeding and composting and generally loving. I was out in the garden all the time with the animals and the girls. I was cooking and building stuff and working on all sorts of random projects around the house. I was busy and happy and patient despite being sick as a dog with chronic allergies. But now 12 months later when I've actually conquered the allergies and I'm finally on the baby making train, I feel fat, lazy and completely unmotivated to do anything. My veggie patch is bare, my chooks are laying eggs I keep forgetting to collect and the house is looking generally neglected. I come home from work exhausted and struggle to find patience with the girls. I'm in a funk like I've lost my mojo or something and I miss it. I miss having energy and passion about things other than making a baby. And I miss some of the things I can't do now I am on this TTC train. I miss things that are bad for me ... I miss SMOKING! I know it sounds totally random but I can't begin to explain how much I seriously believe that kicking this habit is connected with my current funk. Yeah it's a toxic filthy habit that was bad for me and everyone around me in so many ways, but 9 months later I still miss it like crazy much to Scout's disgust. I quit cold turkey at the start of this year and Scout quit a few months later with Champix. She doesn't miss it at all (she's actually repulsed by the thought of it) but I miss it terribly and the reason why I miss it so much is because I associate it with all the things I really enjoyed and now don't do. I loved sitting out on the deck smoking and drinking coffee and rubbing our dog or rabbit's back with my foot. I loved working all day in the garden or on a project for 8 hours solid with cigarette breaks to keep me going. I loved 5 mins to myself outside or 5 mins with Scout all to myself while we smoked away. I loved kicking back with a fishing rod in one hand and a fag in the other watching the water and soaking up the sun. Yes I know there is nothing stopping me from still doing all these things now but when I quit, the only way I could do it was to stop the habits I associated with smoking and that meant avoiding sitting on the deck, drinking coffee, gardening, building projects outside etc. Fishing is the only thing I still do that I associate with cigarettes and I have to say I don't enjoy it half as much as I use to. When I gave up smoking, I gave up one of my main stress relievers, and along with it went a whole bunch of other associated activities I really loved. Since then I've been floundering for the better part of this year trying to find alternative things to do to destress and take my mind off the TTC rollercoaster. It seems rediculous that after all this time I am still yet to develop healthy coping strategies so I can return to enjoying these activities I miss so much without a cigarette. Instead of being productive and distracting myself in the garden for the last two weeks while waiting for this D&C, I've been compulsively buying random crap on eBay! What kind of coping mechanism is that?!! It's pathetic and depressing and I'm kinda embarrassed to admit it. I really need to get my shit together ... Anyway, on a more positive note I carved a pumpkin for halloween with the girls tonight :)  This is the first time I've ever done this as it's not usually something we tend to celebrate much in Australia, but Charlie has been all excited about it so we thought we'd do it for her. I made her help scoop out the inside which she was totally grossed out by lol.  So Happy Halloween to those who do celebrate it ;)  And to those effected by the big storm, I hope you are all safe and dry and out of harms way.

Charlie getting a feel for making a pumpkin lantern LOL


Happy Halloween!

Tuesday, 9 October 2012

Drugs, delays and D&C


How much do I hate buying these freaking tablets?! Just bought another two boxes and it looks like I'll actually need to buy a third now. That's 3 months worth ... And the reason I need 3 months worth is because my FS is going on holidays. She won't be back till November and when she does gets back I'll be having another D&C. So unfortunately the FET won't be happening till December now. I'm am a little bummed ... but I guess if that's what I need to do to get my hotel ala uterus renovated for our frosties then so be it. I have no idea what the frak I'm gonna blog about between now and then but I guess I'll come up with something. I am gonna go stir crazy waiting for December to roll around!

Friday, 28 September 2012

We'll just keep on truckin ...

The day after our BFN-on-a-stick I got my period. And the day after that our bfn was confirmed yet again by the blood test. It seems crazy that the one day you are so focused on and looking forward to throughout this whole process (the beta test date) usually ends up being a shit day ... A BFN day. And yet you spent so long looking forward to it?! Crazy. Not only is it disappointing to discover that you're are still not pregnant, but you feel pretty sad and even stupid knowing you've just spent 2 weeks focused on growing, nurturing and getting attached to a little embie that probably carked itself ages earlier, you just didn't know it. This whole IVF thing is certainly a strange, stressful and expensive little experiment. Anyway ... Despite getting another BFN and being sad our little embies didn't stick around, we know we should be thankful that we really did have a better outcome this cycle and we really are very lucky we can try again one more time without having to endure another full IVF cycle. So ... When I get my period again we will have another crack at it. And in the meantime I will catch up with my FS about whether or not we need to do the dilatation again. I would like to be able to say that I plan on being extra healthy and losing weight and all that crap over the next month while we wait, but honestly ... I'm tired of the constant focus on getting my body baby ready. Instead, I'm just going to focus on enjoying our little family and the children I am so lucky to already have and we'll just see what happens next :). Hope everyone else is doing ok this month. I am looking forward to some great bump pics over the next few weeks and hearing how "thing two" makes his entrance into the world over at lezbemoms!

Sunday, 23 September 2012

12dp2dt

So I held my pee all night and actually felt a little reluctant getting out of bed to finally POAS. To be accurate I actually pissed in a cup and dipped a stick. Anyway Scout and I both dipped separate sticks at the same time and stood there waiting for what turned out to be the same result ... BFN. I had high hopes that things would be different this time but it appears my body likes to kill our embryos :(. There is some relief in knowing we have two more we can try but I still feel pretty gutted. This year has been tough and although I know we haven't been TTC for that long it feels like forever. And this BFN has just pushed our dream back further in time. The thought of another cycle and TWW is just depressing. It is impossible to go through a wait and not have some hope attached to it. And having those hopes shattered repeatedly is starting to weigh on me. I feel like I've lost so much of myself through this process and the growing depression is starting to overwhelm me. I am so desperate to just get back to the person I was 12 months ago but it seems impossible while I'm on this treadmill. We've invested so much into this, I'm not sure what we'll do if we don't get there. We have already spent all our savings (originally intended as a deposit for a house), so after the FET, another round of IVF is going to put us into debt. It's hard watching not one but two of our dreams slip further away. I know we are lucky at this point to have the frosties and we'll pick ourselves up and try again. But right now I'm tired and my heart is hurting. We won't be testing again. I'll go in for the blood test on Wednesday and then we'll move on to the next cycle. None of my family and only two of my friends know we're doing IVF so it's hard going through all this stuff all the time, keeping it to myself. This blog is my only outlet so thank you ladies for all the support you have given me. It's very much appreciated.

Saturday, 22 September 2012

11dp2dt

I stuck to my guns this morning and didn't test ... But I was definately contemplating it. One more day and then we'll see what my pee has to say. I am not feeling too flash today. Both Charlie and Jazz have had a terrible flu that has knocked them for a six and I'm just praying I haven't picked it up too. They've both had fevers and vomiting and nasty coughs. I really hope I don't get it ... Especially if we get two lines tomorrow. Anyway ... I woke up with a niggling pain in my side this morning that doesn't seem to want to go away and my tummy has been crampy and unsettled in general which is making me pretty nervous each time I go to the toilet. So far, so good ... No sign of AF yet. I am pretty much spending today in front of the tele trying to distract myself from thinking about whether or not we're pregnant. Less than 24 hours till we break out the sticks!

Thursday, 20 September 2012

9dp2dt

This TWW is dragging! I am trying my best not to think too much about it but it's hard, especially at night if Scout is working and I'm home on my own with the girls. I am starting to think more about the sticks in the cupboard but I'm alittle scared of them to be honest. On the one hand it's tempting knowing how easy it would be to do it and then at least we'd have some idea about the possible outcome before the blood test, but on the other hand, seeing another BFN is going to be difficult to stomach. Right now it's still too early to test but we are getting close to the time when we can. Scout thinks we should do it Tuesday or Wednesday (the day of the blood test) next week but I have an ADO on the Monday so if we're going to do it, I'm thinking this would be better. I'll be 12dp2dt then and if it's a BFN at least I won't have to head off to work and put on a brave face for the day. Anyway, we'll wait and see how we feel after the weekend. The fact that we have a backup this time has really taken the pressure off, but damn I still hate the idea of waiting through yet another cycle again.

As far as symptoms go it's debatable as to whether anything I've been noticing is real or just artificially induced by the crinone I keep squirting up my twat every evening. I'm bloated and feeling 'wet' all the time to the point where I actually thought my period had arrived yesterday but nope ... I was just leaking whatever that weird watery stuff is that I seem to get when I'm on progesterone. Anyway, that's nothing new from last time, but I have noticed something that is. My boobs hurt. They felt weird yesterday - alittle tender and tingley - but today they are sore. They ache even just lying down in bed on my back with nothing touching them. And they definately weren't like this last time ... But again this could just be the progesterone playing with me. I've also noticed my sense of taste and smell is alittle different but Scout keeps reminding me it's too early for these kinds of symptoms so I am trying not to read too much into it. It's interesting just how much weird stuff you start to notice about your body when you're paying such close attention in a TWW. Anyway ... Fingers crossed my brain isn't just playing with me and things are actually different this time. Time will tell I guess! My period is due some time over the next few days and I am starting to get the odd moment of cramps here and there which is unsettling. Hopefully everything will stay put and we don't end up with a rude visit ahead of schedule.

Saturday, 15 September 2012

4dp2dt

Ovaries are still really sore. Not sure if this is normal or what but it didn't feel like this last time. I told our FS about how painful they were when we went in for the transfer and she didn't seem very concerned - just said to take panadol for it. So I went back to work on Thursday even though I still felt pretty tired and sore. Friday was a bit better as I wasn't as tired, but the day was still pretty difficult to get through. I had my reflexology session in the evening which was awesome. My reflexologist did whatever it is she does to try and get my body producing more hcg to help the embryos implant, so fingers crossed that helps. Saturday, Scout went all out to do something special for our anniversary :). She took me to a day spa up in the hills just out of the town where we live. It was beautiful! We had an hour long couples massage in studio which had a toastie wood burner and big glass windows overlooking rainforest. They had to vary my treatment a bit just in case I end up being pregnant but it was still awesome and we floated out of there feeling fantastic at the end :). After that we went for lunch at a resturant between some of the local wineries which was really lovely. We both drank water out of our wine glasses and I actually didn't miss the wine at all which surprised me. After lunch we picked up the girls from Scout's parents and took them to the movies. It was a lovely day together and I felt very spoilt by my lady :). Today we are just having a lazy day at home which I think we all really need after such a busy week. My ovaries are still sore and especially uncomfortable when my bladder starts to fill up. I am hating being back on the crinone but I know my experience of it isn't anywhere near as bad as others so I can't complain. Anyway, 4 days down and 10 more to go :). Hopefully work this week will be enough to keep me from going stir crazy wondering about how our little embies are fairing down below. I hope everyone else out there is going ok with their cycles and pregnancies. You're posts continue to be a good distraction from my wait!
Lovely restaurant with gorgeous views of the valley

And very yummy food :)

Thursday, 13 September 2012

Best anniversary gift ever!

Ok, so I wasn't planning on updating again for a bit but I can't help myself. After a possibly too busy and somewhat tiring day back at work today I came home with flowers for my beautiful wife to celebrate our anniversary and discovered amongst todays mail a letter from our IVF clinic. When I opened it I could not believe what I read. We officially have ... TWO FROSTIES!!!!!! Can you believe it?!!!! I can't! Best anniversary gift ever!! I love you baby ;) xxx

Wednesday, 12 September 2012

2DT

They're in! Despite feeling alot more uncomfortable post pick up this time around, all went well with the transfer this morning. The look on the embryologist's face had me a bit worried when we first walked in. They must tell them to have an unemotive expression or something. Anyway, her face looked pretty solemn which had me expecting the worst but instead the results were great! Of the 7 eggs, 6 were mature, 5 fertilized, and 4 are growing nicely :). Yay!!! We had two 5-cell embryos put back (2DT) and are waiting to see if the other 2 make it to the freezer (please please please!). Our FS was really happy with the result and of course we are wrapped. So I'm relieved that all the extra focus on egg quality this time appears to have actually paid off so far, but time will tell I guess.

It was alot more painful getting the catheter in this time. I yelped and just about lept off the table but once she got around the kink in my cervix I was fine. If we need to go through another transfer though, she said I'll probably need to have the dilatation done again first. Fingers crossed we won't need to do that.

The decision to put two back was instigated by our FS after our last transfer failed. We don't necessarily want twins but if it happens, it happens. Scout reckons she doesn't mind if we end up with two as long as one is a boy LOL. I think it's just so difficult physically, emotionally and financially going through IVF and after only having one decent embryo last time, we decided if we got lucky enough to get more than one this time, we didn't want to waste them. The other two embryos may not make it to the freezer or through a thaw, so rather than wait for a possible BFN from 1 and risk possibly losing all the other 3 (and then having to start all over again!), we thought we'd at least use two. Anyway, if we end up with twins we will no doubt experience another type of physical, emotional and financial trauma but we'll cross that bridge if/when we come to it!

So at the end of the transfer our FS wished us luck (which I think was more directed at Scout having to put up with me on the progesterone!) and sent us on our way. The rest of today, I've spent at home with my feet up but I'll need to do a few things for work at some point. I've had the last 3 days off and only went in for an hour this morning to get some work to bring home with me, so I'll spend some time on that in another hour or so. My ovaries are still really sore and quite painful at times especially when my bladder or bowel needs emptying. It eased off yesterday but it's back with a vengeance today. Hopefully it will be better come tomorrow. Apart from all that I have a reflexology session on Friday just prior to the supposed 'implantation' to help things along, and the blood test is booked for the 26th. Can't believe we're finally in the wait again! Will keep you posted :)

Jazz browsing the fashion mags in the waiting room

Two very hopeful mums :)

Catheter in and awaiting the embryos

One of our embryos :) Stick, little one, stick!

Sunday, 9 September 2012

DejaVu

This morning went down almost exactly the same as it did in June. Same place, same faces, same drill. The only thing different was the magazines and there was an awesome recipe for chocolate and peanut butter cookies that I memorized while waiting in my little room with my blue cap, robe and dressing gown on. I'll make them sometime this week I think when I'm feeling alittle more up to it. Anyway, an egg collection is not always a great experience for alot of women and I've read alot of terrible stories, but for me I've been lucky. It went pretty good last time and this time wasn't any different. In fact ... There are a few things I love about going in for an egg collection :) 1. The toastie warm blanket they give you while you wait your turn. 2. The drugs (I love that I'm out like a light and then two seconds later I'm waking up in recovery) And 3. The juice and cookies the give you afterwards. But good stuff aside, the outcome is all you really care about and this morning it was no different from last time. They found another 7 eggs for us to play with :) and we are hoping and praying that these little eggs are the last lot I need to have sucked out of me cause as much as I love the warm blanket and the drugs and the juice and cookies ... I plan on being pregnant in 2 weeks time :) So fingers crossed these little eggs are better than the last lot and that at least one will have what it takes to go the distance. All going well, transfer will be on Wednesday and in the meantime I'm going to do my best not to worry too much about how many will or won't turn into embryos worth using.

Thursday, 6 September 2012

Trigger Happy!

Finally finished the stims :) And the sniffing! No more alarms going off morning and night thank goodness. Despite feeling pretty tired and foggy on the puregon, nothing too vague or crazy happened. I did manage to loose my keys for 24 hours but amazingly it didn't send me into a total melt down which I was half expecting. I just did my trigger and now we wait. ER is at 10.30am on Monday morning. I'm excited to finally be back at this point again and am really hoping the eggs are better this time. I've had a rediculous amount of EWCM and my ovaries are definately swollen. They actually kept me awake last night and I've felt pretty uncomfortable today. I feel like a bloated balloon down there so those follicles have gotta be doing something .... surely. I'm just praying they peak at the right time so my little eggs don't end up over cooked!

Wednesday, 5 September 2012

Alittle under done

So of course my follies are sloooooww growers. I was hoping to get the green light for a trigger but instead I have to stick with stimming a bit longer as they're still not big enough. I now have 6 contenders (yay!) and with another 3 days of stims hopefully a few more might join the party ;). Trigger is planned for Saturday night with pick-up on Monday morning. As much as I'm chomping at the bit to get these eggs out of there, I don't want them out if they aren't ready so I just need to be patient. I'm paranoid about spontaneously ovulating despite all the sniffing and I also feel a little uncomfortable about the pick-up being delayed past when I would normally ovulate. But I worried about this sort of thing last time and it all turned out fine so I just need to have alittle faith. Two more work days to get through ...

Monday, 3 September 2012

Are we there yet?

I don't know if it's the drugs, or all the running around from appointments, or how long a cycle takes or just all the waiting and hoping involved but I feel like I'm running on a flat battery at this point. I'm literally dragging myself through each day at work and struggling to get up in the morning. I don't feel stressed at all which is good but I do feel tired. It's a noticeable struggle to get my head into work right now while I'm floating around in this puregon induced fog and the syneryl headaches are not helping. I feel really unproductive and like I'm just going through the motions. I'm distracted by the fact that collection is just around the corner and my mind and body just wants to get there. It's been such a long cycle and I want to know if it's been worth it. I just want to trigger already. Hopefully the follicles on the scan tomorrow are ready to go cos I sure as shit am.

Quality not quantity?

So my scan today was unfortunately not as good as I'd hoped or at least my FS didn't seem to think so. I'm sitting there staring at her screen trying to figure out what's what and she's measuring away not saying anything. This is typical of my FS. I really do like having her as my specialist but sometimes I just wish she would give me a bit more information. So I ask if it's looking any better than last time and she's tells me "No, unfortunately it's not as good a response". My heart sinks and I feel totally confused because I'm sure I can see a number of follicles on the screen. Then she says, "There's only 5 follicles. 4 are a good size, and the other is alittle small. There's a few more tiny ones but at this stage they won't do anything." I'm thinking ... I'm sure 5 follicles is better than last time? She then starts talking about how we collected 7 eggs last go etc and it's unlikely we'll get more than 5 this time. Then she ends the conversation with the throw away comment "it only takes one" and leaves to let me get dressed. Ok ... So I know it only takes one, and yes I should be grateful I actually have 5 potentials at this point ... and I know this comment was meant as a comment of hope ... but it annoyed me. When I'm shelling out thousands of dollars per cycle I want more than one damn it and a comment like that makes me feel that's all she thinks I'll get again. So while I'm dressing myself I feel like challenging her about the number of follicles I had last time and how I miraculously ended up with twice as many eggs as expected, but of course I let it go. When I finally come out from behind the curtain she tells me to up the puregon to 450iu (which is the maximum dose my pen will dial) and come back for another scan on Wednesday. I drive to work feeling half ok and half upset. Part of me thinks it was a good scan and believes that it was better than last time regardless of what she said and I should feel good about that, but the other part of me is stuck on the fact that my FS (who obviously knows more than I do) said it was worse. So I don't know what to think. To be honest I'd really rather just keep my head in the sand till collection at this point given my experience of scans has been pretty negative to date. I just don't need to be stressing about numbers when the bottom lines is how many actually make it to transfer. I also hate that I have these scans right before I go to work cos it makes the whole day feel pretty crap. I had to get up at 5am to make it to the scan and the rest of the day I've had a stinker of a headache from the syneryl, so tonight I think I'll just have an early night and quit thinking about what is or isn't going on in my ovaries. I'm tired already and this week has only just begun ...

Sunday, 2 September 2012

Ovaries working overtime ...

The familiar feeling of bloat and swollen ovaries has started to return. I'm not sure how much action is going on down there but it's enough to make me feel less comfortable than usual and enough to make my loosest pants feel tight. Given I didn't start feeling like this till closer to trigger last time, I'm hoping this is a good sign but who knows. I really have no confidence in knowing what my body is doing right now. I've stopped going to the gym for the time being and plan to just try and do light exercise over the next few weeks. As ridiculous as it sounds, when I'm at the gym I feel like I'm going to pop a follicle or something so I think I'll just stick to walking and the exercise bike for now.

Since we've been feeling overdue for another mini getaway we decided to visit a farmstay in Bright this weekend. It's about a 4 hour drive from where we live. The girls loved being able to play with all the animals and we did lots of walking around the acres of paddocks exploring. We tried fishing in their dam which was apparently stocked but nothing was biting. The cottage we stayed in was freezing but the bed was cozy and warm so it was nice to sleep in for a bit which we rarely get to do. We also stopped at one of our favourite fishing spots on the way back so Scout could finally catch a fish which was long overdue.

Tomorrow I head back to the IVF clinic for another scan to see if all this bloat and discomfort actually equates to more follicles this time around. It will be day 10 and my last IVF scan at day 10 only showed 2 real contenders and 4 smaller follicles so I'm hoping the results of this scan will be little better. Fingers crossed!  Anyway, here is some pics from our weekend :)









Tuesday, 28 August 2012

Tired, Cranky and Bound for Crazy Town

Down reg scan was all good although a little gross given I'm 3 days into my period. I'm just relieved there wasn't anything on the screen that shouldn't have been there. I was half expecting a set back but thankfully I didn't need to worry. So we're all good to go with stimming. I've started at 400iu of puregon this time. Next scan is in a week, so lets hope I'll be loaded with follies by then. I'm still sniffing which is going ok but I'm tired and feeling a little flat from the meds and how drawn out this cycle is. My alarm goes off every morning and night reminding me to take my dose which is a good thing because I would never remember otherwise. I am actually starting to get a bit sick of taking the syneryl (and preconception vitamins too for that matter!) but you gotta do what you gotta do I guess. I actually worked out the other day that I have spent nearly $500 in preconception vitamins alone since we started this whole thing in December last year. I am starting to resent buying them each month because it's a reminder that we're still not pregnant. I keep hoping each box will be the last one so I can start buying pregnancy vitamins instead! But so far that is yet to change.

Anyway ... I am preparing myself for the craziness that comes with these high doses of puregon. Hopefully I don't get caught shoplifting or anything weird this time around. I've also been quite depressed from the other meds and pretty cranky lately. I feel bad because I haven't had alot of patience with the girls and have been snappy with Scout quite often in the morning lately. I just don't seem to be sleeping very well so I'm a little worried that I'll become quite unbearable to be around over the next few weeks as the drugs build up. How people do this cycle after cycle I have no idea. All I know is I need to try and relax, distract myself, be patient with those I love, and keep my head about me as I head into the business end of this cycle.

Saturday, 11 August 2012

8WW?

2 weeks down and probably 6 more to go. Damn this is going to be a looooong cycle! Along with the BCP, I start sniffing the synarel this week. Fingers crossed it puts to sleep any endometrosis that's flared up again since my laparoscopy. I am feeling relatively good about this cycle so far. I've been exercising almost every day and have finally lost most of the bloat from the last cycle which I honestly thought would never go. I had another reflexology session this week and will have one more before I start stimming. But the best thing this coming week will be that I get to hand over the stressful job that I've been backfilling for the last year and return to being just a regular clinician. Whoowhoo! I am looking forward to feeling alot less stressed and alot less guilty about taking time off work for the pick up and transfer. Stress was my biggest problem last time (that was within my control) so hopefully I'll be able to manage it a bit better this time.

This week our youngest also turned 5! I can't believe she is no longer a little toddler and will be starting school next year. Life is going to be alot easier next year with both our girls on the same schedule, at least until we get pregnant and have another little one on our hands!

Gosh I hope we have better luck this time around. Even if we got another BFN I think I'd be ok if we got some frosties out of it, cause I actually like the idea of a natural thaw cycle. But somehow I think that might be a bit of a pipe dream. Anyway ... I just need to concentrate on one week at a time. Let's hope this synarel stuff doesn't give me too my nasty side effects ...

Saturday, 4 August 2012

Miss Cranky Pants

Lately I feel like a cranky old lady that has nothing better to do but sit around and write letters of complaint. In the past couple of weeks I have lodged three complaints with three different organizations. I'm not normally big on making complaints but I guess I must have low tolerance for bullshit at the moment.

This week I wrote letters to my IVF clinic and another business I use at work that is not performing. The third was a dirty phone call to our realestate agent. I feel like a complaining cow and I have no doubt that that will be how others see me, but the reality is without feedback nothing changes.

This week I started on the BCP so Scout had to go into the clinic to pick up the meds. This is my third medicated cycle so you'd think by now we'd have things down to a fine art. Unfortunately when it comes to collection of meds we are still floundering around trying to figure out the rediculous system they have in place that's clearly not working. Everytime I start a cycle I call in my day 1 and I confirm with the nurse on the phone what meds to start when and where to go to pick them up. And everytime we go in to collect them, no one knows who we are or where our script is and we have to go through the same bullshit of trying to first find the script before they will give us the meds. This time, after being reassured by the nurse on the phone that the script would definately be waiting for us at reception, of course it still wasn't there and for the third time, Scout had to spend an hour dragging our 4 year old from one end of the facility to the other trying to track it down. She also had to endure the laughter of one of their reception staff who obviously found her frustration and confusion over the whole process amusing. I was working at the time so I didn't find out about this till I got home that night but needless to say I was wild when I heard Scout telling me that a member of staff had actually laughed at her. It's embarrassing enough feeling like you don't know what you're doing but then having the people who are suppose to be helping you, laugh at you instead, is just humiliating. I was pissed and spent that evening bashing out a letter of complaint which I emailed to them the very next day.

It's not like I want to get my clinic offside but I'm also not about to stand by and do nothing when my partner is treated like that. We pay big bucks for this stuff and they need to get their act together. Anyway ... enough of my bitching and moaning. If I'm like this now, god help everyone when I start on the stims!

Sunday, 29 July 2012

Ding Ding - Round 2

We are finally at cd1 of our second round of IVF :) Since we are doing a down reg cycle this time around, I'm basically just waiting to start the pill in a few days time. I'm excited to be starting a new cycle as I've been feeling a little frustrated by the lack of baby making action lately since we had to skip a cycle. Of course I've still got a few weeks before anything exciting happens and we get to see whether the changes for this cycle make any difference to the egg count and quality, but I feel good about being back in the saddle again (so-to-speak!).

Since my last post I've been popping lots of different pills every day, exercising a bit more (we bought an exercise bike), trying hard to reduce the acidity in my diet (which is VERY hard to do) and generally trying to de-stress. I've also had 3 reflexology sessions and in 3 more weeks my load at work should be halfed, so I am really looking forward to having a much less stressful, guilt free cycle this time around. At least that's the plan! The cost of this cycle has gone up by about $500 with the new financial year so I have been madly sorting out my tax return to hopefully pay for the next 2 cycles. Apart from that, our girls are back and family life is well and truly in full swing again with all the usual fun and games :)

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

Reflexology, pill popping and a new protocol



Halfway through my week off work and I'm slowly starting to feel a little less stressed. Scout and I are missing the girls but we're enjoying having some much needed quality time together. Last weekend we went to Echuca and stayed in a cabin on the Murray River for two nights. It was great. We took the boat with us and went fishing. Still didn't catch anything (much to Scouts frustration), but we did enjoy exploring the river. I almost fell in the water once trying to brake off a snag and we ran out of petrol coming back, about 100m from the boat ramp! The engine just cut out and the current started taking us backwards. We had to break out the oars and row against the current to the nearest shore LOL. Alittle embarrassing and Scout was petrified we were going to get bitten by a snake climbing up the embankment. Fortunately it wasn't much of a walk to find the car and go get more petrol, but we've decided to invest in a reserve tank now as that could have been a nightmare if we'd been further away or worse if we had the girls with us! Anyway, we can laugh about it now :).

Monday I spent the whole day in the garden which I haven't done in ages, cleaning up the vegie patch, rotating our compost bins, chopping back tress and racking up leaves.  I could barely walk by the end of the day but I enjoyed it.  And yesterday we had a big day on the TTC front with two appointments planning our next round of IVF.

By a random coincidence it turns out Scout's sister has an ex whose mother does Reflexology with a special interest in fertility so we've decided to give her a go as she has a very good success rates with her clients. Scout contacted her last week and yesterday we had our first appointment with her. She seems very nice, understands alot about the IVF process and has worked with IVF clinics before so I feel pretty confident that she will be able to help us - even if all she does is help me cope with stress a bit better. She explained how her therapy compliments an IVF cycle and at what stages of the cycle we need to see her. She gave me a relaxation cd, recommended an alkaline diet and while she couldn't "prescribe" she has suggested we consider taking Vitex to help with egg quality and baby aspirin every second day to address any possible implantation or clotting issues. The Vitex sounded like a good idea but I was alittle worried about the baby aspirin. She said because I have an A blood group and an english background, I'd be more prone to having "sticky" blood which can sometimes effect implantation. She said that clotting issues are expensive to test for so IVF clinics often wait till you've had 3 or more miscarriages or failed cycles before they consider testing for it and then prescribing the baby aspirin. I guess I don't really want to take something unless I know I need it and a doctor prescribes it ... But I also don't want to go through 3 failed cycles or miscarriages if all I needed to do was take a little baby aspirin every other day. Anyway, I'm in two minds about this. I also asked her about Royal Jelly and Baca which I've been reading a bit about lately but she seemed to think these things might not be the best idea to take due to their potency and side effects. I'm not sure if any of you have ever tried this stuff or the Vitex or baby aspirin but I'd like to hear your thoughts on them if you have any.

We also had an appointment in the afternoon with our FS, so I asked her about the baby aspirin and she said she didn't feel it was indicated at present and left it at that. Scout also asked her about HDEA and she said she didn't think I needed that either and that it would just make me hairy LOL. Instead she has recommended a down regulation cycle to put to sleep any endometrosis that might still be active at the moment and then start stimming at 400iu Puregon with the hope that we'll get better numbers. I was a little surprised as I've heard some low responders say that their ovaries have had trouble waking back up on this protocol, but my FS didn't think it would be an issue. So it looks like we are headed for the long cycle of bcp followed by stimming and sniffing syneryl before we get to collection. I'm actually ok with this as it gives us more time to save and work of egg quality. AF is due at the end of the month but I have plenty to work on in the meantime ... Primarily getting my stress under control, figuring out how to make this alkaline diet work for me, getting rid of the belly bloat I've got going on and getting a few reflexology sessions under my belt.

5 more days till I have to go back to work, so today I think I'll make some "alkaline" soup of some description and give this relaxation cd a crack :)

Monday, 2 July 2012

The aftermath

This would have to be the heaviest period I have ever had. I'm not cramping as much as I thought I would but I'm still really uncomfortable and there seems to be no end to the clots that keep coming. I was surprised that my period arrived almost immediately after stopping the progesterone. One skipped dose and the next morning it was there. I'm not complaining ... In fact I'm glad I didn't have to wait too long for it to come. But it's a little scary to know that one missed dose could have that effect. Another unexpected side effect, which I'm assuming is the result of 'hormone withdrawal', is nausea. I haven't puked but I've felt pretty damn close to it. It actually woke me up the first night it was so bad. I just feel really sick and really uncomfortable.

Despite feeling like hell, I still went to work today and was a total space cadet. My boss was really concerned because she knows I've had lots of medical appointments and she knows I'm not right but she doesn't know why or what's wrong. Anyway, long story short, she's convinced me to take a week off work. I'm just shattered and under normal circumstances if I felt like this I wouldn't be dragging myself to work. I'd take a sick day or two or organise some annual leave, but I've taken so much time off work this year I've just felt like it's not an option to take more. So I've just kept pushing myself to keep going and keep it all together ... But clearly the cracks are starting to show. Anyway I guess I just needed someone to give me "permission" to take time out and fortunately I have a very insightful and supportive manager whose done exactly that. So ... I'm taking next week off. I am tired, run down and looking forward to having a rest. The girls are away at their dad's so Scout and I will have time to ourselves. She has been so great through all this, always knowing the right thing to say and putting up with my crankiness one minute and tears the next. She's so patient and loving and I am so lucky to have her. This BFN has hit her just as hard as me, so having some time off on our own together will be good for both of us.

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