Slack

I have been a bad blogger :( But I'm hoping it's a good sign! My brain has been processing a lot of things other than baby making which is good. I was getting so depressed by the whole IVF thing that I really needed a decent break. The small breaks inbetween cycles didn't really cut it. I was still trying to be good with foods and supplements and not drinking alcohol or coffee or anything with artificial sweeteners. I was always wondering if maybe I was pregnant even though I'd gotten a BFN, and was too scared to stop everything 'just in case'. But deciding to take 4 months off has let me finally switch my brain off and stop everything which has been the best thing I could have done. I just feel ... relieved, and more myself again. To be honest... I was that fragile after the last BFN I wouldn't have coped with trying again. I got teary everytime I even thought about it and it's only in the last few weeks that I haven't felt that. It helped a lot that Scout and I could get away for 2 weeks on our own while the girls were away.

Our fishing trip involved a lot fishing but not so much fish lol. We did have one really good afternoon at a little place called Tuross where we had fish literally jumping on the line but everywhere else was fairly average. Out of the whole trip we only kept and ate two flathead. The rest we tossed back. We both just enjoyed having time together, getting out on the boat and visiting new places. As nice as it was, it was good to get home to a real bed though. We only spent one night in a cabin and the rest was spent in a tent or the back of the car so our bodies were crying out for a decent mattress!

Now that the girls are home and I'm back at work it's been a bit of an adjustment getting back into the swing of things. We went away for a long weekend in Howqua with the girls and Scout's parents which was fun (more fishing! and a bit of mini golf ;). Scout and I have also starting trying to lose weight (a personal goal rather than a baby making one). We've both put on a bit of weight over the past 12 mths so we've decided it's time to get serious and do something about it. So far I've lost 6 kilos and Scout has lost 7! We both have at least another 10 to go. I feel pretty confident we can do it ... Especially since I'm not doing IVF again until July. The real challenge will be figuring out how to keep it off when I do start IVF again cos it seriously makes me both fat and depressed.

The only TTC thing I am still doing at this point is keeping up my reflexology sessions which I figure is good for managing work stress. My reflexologist is alittle puzzled as to why I'm still not pregnant and has encouraged me to try another clinic which we have been looking into anyway. I have chosen a new specialist and made an appointment with her for the 13th August. I picked this date as it will be approx a week after the beta for our last planned FET with our current clinic. As negative as it sounds to be expecting a BFN I can't see any reason why this next cycle will be any different from the others. We need to plan for this next step and I am actually looking forward to changing things up a bit - including getting a new donor.

Anyway ... I have heaps of pics I want to post but haven't got my act together yet with uploading them which is another reason I've been delaying his post. I'll try to get them up sometime this weekend. Hope all is well with everyone lose out there ;)

On a break

We're officially off the TTC bandwagon for 4 months and I'm ok with that. To be honest, if I was younger I'd gladly take a break for the next year or two. But turning 39 this year I really don't feel like that's an option. I've been feeling pretty negative for awhile now about IVF including everyone and everything associated with it, so I'm hoping a few months off will give us some head space and normality for a bit. I've stopped taking the 50 million tablets I feel like I've been on taking for forever (thank goodness - soooo over them) and I've returned to drinking coffee and alcohol (yay!) and basically doing whatever I like without any regard for my fertility which has been, quite frankly, a relief. I've also returned to gardening and spent a lot of time cleaning up our neglected back yard and veggie patch. I've even completed a few projects around the house like installing a cat flap for Merkin and cutting a new anchor well in our tinnie which has made me feel a lot more like my old self. I'm just enjoying not thinking about any TTC crap for the first time in 16mths. Of course I'm still reading everyone's blogs but my blog won't have too much baby making content for a bit. Instead, I think I'll be blogging about other far more exciting things ... like fishing!

Scout and I are on a 2 week road trip at the moment while the girls are visiting their dad. We organised a pet nanny for our furry kin, packed up the car and boat and headed off on Monday with no real plans except to fish the eastern coastline of Victoria into NSW. We packed fairly light so we could sleep in the car if needed. So far we've fished both the Tambo and Snowy River and spent two nights in the car which was interesting. We cut out a foam mattress to fit the back of the car with the seats down and it's not too bad but it certainly doesn't leave much room to move! Have half expected a park ranger to come knocking on the window in the middle of the night to tell us to move along but so far so good! The fishing's been ok. Nothing too exciting but they're biting. Only caught small brim so far which we catch and release. Scout is still struggling to find her game and making me feel guilty each time I pull one in - but I think she'll be giving me a run for my money over the next couple of days! Will post some picks when I get my act together. Happy Easter!

Just not our time ... And starting to wonder if it ever will be.

BFN again. We used a pretty sensitive stick so I don't hold any hope for the blood test. The weight in my heart just keeps getting heavier as the road gets longer. 7 embryos put back and still no banana. It's starting to look more and more like I don't have any eggs left that are capable of going the distance which is quite a heartbreaking concept to have to try and get my head around. I'm going to get Scout to tell the nurses to call her and not me this time with the test results. I'm just really not up for hearing the same shit again. It's hard enough to go to work and hold myself together day in and day out. I really don't need a phone call from them to rub more salt into the wound. We won't be putting our two remaining frosties back till we've paid off the debt of this last cycle which will take a couple of months. But at this point I don't hold much hope that they will be any different than the last 7. I just want to run off and hide under a rock somewhere. This is not how I want my life to be. I never thought it would be this hard. I never thought I'd end up being one of the women that needed a rediculous number of IVF cycles to get pregnant. And what happens if after a rediculous number of cycles, I'm still not pregnant? Then what? I don't want to think about it. I just want to be pregnant. I just want to be past all this TTC shit. I feel like my life is on hold and I'm stuck somewhere I don't want to be.

Negative vibes

Nearly at the end and not feeling too great about this cycle. I've been having mild cramps and occasional stabbing pains in the ute for the past 5 days and now it just feels like my period wants to come. I am REALLY emotional this time. Tears are constantly simmering just under the surface. A few actually slipped out today at work while telling a collegue about some work politics that's been stressing me out lately. I am just not feeling good about anything and really not looking forward to testing. I can just feel myself falling apart over yet another BFN. These hormones are messing with me on a whole new level and I am only barely managing to hold it all together. The dizzy, nauseous feeling that plagued me for at least a month after my last BFN has returned and feels like further confirmation of what's ahead. My period is due Monday - Blood test is Wednesday, but the way I feel right now, I wouldn't be surprised if I started bleeding tomorrow.

Please stick x

At this point I am guessing the fate of this cycle has either already been determined or it's about to be. Our embies have either arrested or if we are really really lucky, one may still be alive and trying to implant. I really hope one is still in there. If they're both gone I'd rather know now so I can move on ... but of course I still have to wait another week for the verdict. As far as symptoms go, I've started having some light cramping but apart from that ... Nada. We went and saw The Wizard of Oz yesterday with the girls, and I might have over done it a bit with some gardening this morning, but essentially we've been having a lazy weekend. I'm back to work tomorrow for the next four days and then I get another long weekend as I have an ADO next Monday, so at least I'll have time to deal with whatever the sticks have to say over the weekend. In the meantime I'm still squirting this crinone crap up my hoohar every night which is gross and makes me stink. My clinic doesn't do any bloods during the wait and I wonder sometimes if my hormones are really where they're suppose to be for the luteal phase. I guess the fact that I stink means the crinone is doing something. Anyway ... They need to come up with a pill that stops you from over thinking stuff in the TWW.

Restless nights

Last night I had a restless sleep and was awake in the early hours with anxiety (thank you progesterone). I'd had some kind of dream that made me feel less than positive about this cycle, and once I was awake, I started stressing that I hadn't heard anything from the clinic about whether they'd managed to freeze the spare embryos. With the last fresh cycle, I got a letter the day after the transfer saying we had two frozen and in storage. But this time I didn't. I'd gotten in late last night because I had a reflexology session so I figured I might have missed some mail on the table and got out of bed to check but there was nothing there. I went back to bed stressing and tossing and turning till the sun came up. Finally when Scout woke up I asked her about the mail and she said she'd been so rushed collecting the girls from school that she hadn't collected it. Talk about relieved. I sent Jazz out to check and the letter was there - thank goodness - confirming our two spare embryos have been frozen and stored (phew!). I am feeling a whole lot better about things now. Still not very confident about this cycle, but relieved we have spares to go again with ... Especially after I checked my bank balance this morning and saw the massive chunk the clinic had just taken out. Anyway, we have a long weekend here this weekend for labour day so I'm going to enjoy not working and just hang out at home. We might all go to the movies tomorrow if we're really lucky. And on a side note ... I am very proud of our 5 year old who is yet to master dry nights (still!) because she actually got up and went to the toilet on her own for the first time ever last night. Considering she woke us up 3 times the night before (twice with a wet bed), we are very happy to have this little monkey finally go at night on her own. It's been a looooong time coming. Fingers crossed she does it again tonight.

Two more on board

Out of the 6 eggs collected, 5 fertilized and 4 grew properly so 2 were put back today and the other 2 are to be frozen. We find out tomorrow if they froze ok. So it looks like this stim cycle is playing out very similar to last time which I'm happy with so far :). Now we just have to wait and hope the blood test turns out a little better!

The other lesbian couple who had their egg collection on Monday were also in there today for their transfer at the same time. I was out of the room when they came in but Scout reckons Jazz got excited when she saw them and whispered loudly "those two girls are married!". She's funny. She's been present for all but one of the transfers and she always comes out with something cute while we're there. One time she thanked the doctor on the way out for "giving us our boy egg" lol. This time she took her baby doll in with her to show off. It's been hard balancing how much we tell the girls about what we're doing and when we're doing it. We told them at the start that we were thinking about having a baby just to see how they felt about it and of course they got excited about it. We've explained a little bit about how we'd make a baby ie. needing a good egg and nice person to give us some extra ingredients and a doctor to mix them together and put it all back inside my tummy to see if it grows into a baby. Jazz has been particularly fasinated by the whole thing and because she's also had to attend a number of the appointments, she's been aware of when the egg has been put back and often asks if there is a baby in my tummy yet. She's also let the cat out of the bag a few times (as little ones do) telling others (we didn't want to tell) innocently about the doctor putting the egg back in my tummy. Anyway ... more recently she's being showing a bit of frustration with the whole waiting game. The other day she was upset about something else but then suddenly she was crying about wanting a baby brother or sister and why is it taking so long? We try not to focus on it and avoid telling them too much about what we are doing and when but then they'll see me injecting my stims or I'll need to take them to an appointment and then they'll start asking baby questions again. I feel bad knowing that all this talk might end up disappointing them and Charlie seems to have now resided herself to the fact that we aren't having a baby and has been saying this to Jazz. But Jazz remains the eternal optimist as she should be at 5 years of age which I'm thankful for (for selfish reasons). She actually brings me pictures she's drawn "for the baby" and tonight she made a necklace out of beads "for the baby" which is totally random but incredibly sweet and cute. I'm glad we are up front with our kids about this stuff and with all the appointments it would have been pretty hard to avoid anyway, but sometimes I just wish we could have kept them in the dark and surprised them with it if/when it ever happens. At this rate, I think if we do ever get pregnant we'll be thinking long and hard about when to let them in on it. But that's not something we need to worry about just yet. We have another wait infront of us and right now it's time for some progesterone :)