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Monday, 23 December 2013

Holidays Finally! And we're having a ...!

The last couple of weeks have been busy ... School Christmas concerts, Charlie and Scout's birthday, our gender reveal, chrissy shopping, taking the kids to different Christmas shows and events, not to mention working our tails off in our respective jobs.  The heat is also turning up outside so bottom line is ... I'm tired and so relieved to be able to finally get off the merry-go-round and have a break for a bit!  I have pretty much done the bare minimum in terms of Christmas preparations this year.  No baking or chutney making.  No advent calender.  We didn't even decorate the outside of the house.  We gave the girls the Christmas tree box and just let them do what they liked with it, which actually turned out pretty good (although alittle heavy on the tinsel!!).  I love the ornaments they chose to use ;)

                       

Apart from just being tired, the other reason we haven't really gotten into the spirit of things is because this will be the first year the girls won't be with us.  They are spending it with their dad in Queensland so we are dropping them off to their Aunty at the airport this afternoon.  I have mixed feelings about this.  Christmas really is all about the kids so it will be a bit weird to wake up to a quiet empty house without them on Christmas morning, but I'm also not about to complain about having some time on our own together :). So since this will also be the last time we will be kid free (ever!) we have booked a hotel in the city for xmas eve and I'm looking forward to wandering the streets listening to carols and looking at the lights and christmas displays in the shop windows and just doing whatever we feel like without having to worry about the little ones :). 

On the baby front, I am now a very merry 25 weeks pregnant!  Crazy! 

                       

And I can finally say that our gender reveal last weekend was lovely :).  There was only a few people who couldn't make it (because let's face it ... it's a bad time of year to be rescheduling a celebration at the last minute!) but it went off really well and we felt very loved.  It is a rare thing to get both sides of Scout's family together at the same time but we pulled it off and I'm so glad they could all be there for it.  Especially Scout's grandparents who are both quite unwell generally but came along anyway.  People took photos and filmed it for us and I honestly can't rewatch it without tearing up every time (being the pregnant sap that I've become!).  

                       

So it appears there will be a bit more pink joining our little family!  We're very excited :). I felt alittle disappointed for Scout because I know how badly she was hoping for a son but I think those pink balloons that floated past her car the day before helped to convince her there is a special reason we are having a little girl and we both just feel so blessed :)

Anyway, I need to pack a bag and sort out the girls and animals before we leave for the airport!   Merry Christmas everyone, and if I don't post again this year ... I hope you all have a very happy new year x

Saturday, 14 December 2013

Quick catch up

I often think about things I want to blog but right now the time and energy seems hard to come by. I have one week left till I get time off for Christmas holidays and it can't come soon enough! Yesterday was Charlie's birthday. She turned 9! Crazy! We bought her a Billy cart which she put together herself and she's been riding it (and crashing it) ever since :). Jazzy has been a handful just in keeping her fed, entertained and relatively happy. Some days she seems like 3 year old and other days she's bordering on teen behavior. Together, the girls now fight ALOT. Their interests and abilities are becoming increasingly different with Charlie wanting to do her own thing and Jazzy wanting her to still be her constant playmate. It will be interesting to see how a baby changes the dynamics in the house.

Our cancelled BBQ will finally take place tomorrow :)  I'm looking forward to it but tired and will no doubt be a bit stressed trying to pull it all together tomorrow. Scout is nervous about finding out the baby's sex lol. Either way it will be interesting!

I feel baby's movements more and more each day. Both the girls have also felt baby now but I think they are alittle underwhelmed by how subtle the movement still is at the moment on the outside. Hopefully they'll start finding it a bit more exciting in another month or two.

Sleep is still a problem (mostly because of hayfever) but I've pretty much accepted that that's how things will be now. My hips get very sore and I can't figure out how to get comfy with all the big pillows so I have actually resorted to using just one regular pillow and one of the kids pillow pets which is small enough to reposition easily when I roll.  

Anyway I have heaps more to write about but lots to do right now so it will have to wait till after the reveal :).  Hopefully everything goes well tomorrow.  It's going to be a big day!

Ps.  Scout just got back from a driving lesson with a student and is freaking out because in the middle of the lesson a big clear bag filled with pink balloons randomly floated right down in front of her car and then floated away again!  She's pretty much convinced now that we are having a girl!

Saturday, 30 November 2013

Cancelled Reveal

Jazz has been throwing up since 3am this morning with another stomach bug so we have had to cancel our family BBQ today.  We are very disappointed.  Have been doing a lot of preparation and cooking etc to get ready for today so it's been a bit of a fizzer.  But these things happen.  We can't do it without Jazz and even if she starts feeling better later in the day, we don't want her to give it to anyone else.  Scouts nana has a blood disease that effects her immune system so she can't be exposed to any kind of cold or bug, and neither can any of the other family members she lives with.  We've been tossing up just doing our own thing at home today but to be honest, we are both so tired from being up and down with Jazz last night, we're both a bit over it all now.  So we've decided to put all the meat and cakes in the freezer and reschedule to the 15 Dec, which means it will unfortunately have to coincide with Charlie's birthday and another family function in Scout's family.  It's not a good time of year to be changing things at short notice but hopefully we'll still be able to make it work.  So it's now going to be another 2 weeks till we'll know what we're having!   

Tuesday, 26 November 2013

Sneak Peek!

Scan was great :).  Much better than the 12 week one.  We went to a different place this time and it was so worth it!  Had a really nice guy doing it and we got to see baby in 4D which was awesome.  Little one was super active moving around the entire time so he had to do a fair bit of chasing but apparently everything looked pretty normal which is great :). Only thing he did mention was that the placenta is very low and close to the cervix so I have to go back for another scan around 34 weeks to see if it's moved up out of the way or not.  If it doesn't move then it's likely I'll have to have a c-section.  Fingers crossed that's not the case, but I'm not going to worry about it for now.  Alot of people have told me they had this and theirs moved so hopefully that will be the case with this one too :)  Anyway here's a pic of our little one!

                   

Scout is so smitten :). She doesn't even care if we're having a boy or a girl now.  She's so excited from seeing pictures of our baby.  She keeps looking at them and sending me texts about how cute our baby is :). It's very sweet.  When she got home yesterday she actually cleared a space beside her side of the bed for the cradle lol.  I reminded her that we still have a long way to go before she needs to do that but she was just so excited she couldn't help herself :)  The other exciting thing is that she actually felt baby move the other night so she's finally getting to enjoy that part of things too.

Anyway, we have the envelope here which holds the sex of our baby :). I've held it up to the light but can't see anything.  I accidentally "misplaced" it yesterday thanks to my baby brain but fortunately found it again today.  Not long now till we get to find out what's written inside! 

Sunday, 24 November 2013

Half way

We hit 20 weeks last Tuesday!  And I also had my first person who didn't know me ask me when I was due ... confirmation that I actually look pregnant now and not just fat!  I meant to do a belly shot for the blog but have been slack.  But it has been captured by our friend photographer who we had our first photo session with yesterday ... Bare belly and all!

Over the past two weeks I've started to feel baby fairly consistently.  Lots of rolling over and wriggling around with the occasional kick but all fairly gentle movement.  I had one big boot the other night that actually made me jump but most of the time it's pretty subtle.  Scout is all excited and desperate to feel baby too but will no doubt have to be patient for a couple more weeks I think.  We have our 20 week scan tomorrow morning (we will be 20wks 6 days!).  Looking forward to seeing the little tacker again and finding out if we're having a boy or girl.  Technically we don't want to find out in a dark room with a stranger so we're having a BBQ next weekend to find out with family.  Will be interesting to say the least ;)

Pregnancy wise I think I've been pretty lucky with my run so far although my hayfever has been terrible and making me very tired.  I've mastered sleeping on my side now but my nose and head have been blocked up continuously for about a month now so I'm still not sleeping very well.  My mouth gets so dry at night, my tongue has stuck to the roof of my mouth a few times and I've woken up in a panic not being able to breath.  I also seem to have reverted back to a bit of morning sickness for some weird reason but nothing worth complaining about.  I've bought a few maternity shorts and tops and I've also started using what I refer to as my "boom box".  It sounds a bit coo-kee but I bought a "baby plus" machine that I've been wearing for an hour morning and night that makes different sound patterns for baby to listen to and apparently learn from.  It doesn't sound all that evidence based to me but it was second hand, had good reviews and 'apparently' helps baby be a little calmer once on the outside so I figure it's worth a try if there is any possibility of that!  Scout thought I was crazy at first but she's come around to the idea and now reminds me if I've forgotten to do a session.  At first I thought it was going to drive me nuts cos it's pretty loud and just like repetitive drumming at different speeds, but if I wear it under my clothes or while I'm still in bed under the covers, I hardly notice it.  If nothing else, it does actually make baby very active which it kinda nice.  Not sure if that's baby's way of saying "Not again!  Turn that thing off!" but I like to think of it as a bit of bonding time lol.  

The baby's room is virtually done.  Crazy but true.  We picked up the glider given to us by my brother's friend and it is awesome.  Very flash.  Too flash to be in our house!  Jazz has been rocking out in it.  I'm almost worried she might break it before I get a chance to use it.  She swings so hard I seriously think she could launch herself off it if she wanted to.  The same lady also gave us 3-4 big garbage bags of clothes, sheets, wraps, blankets and baby clothes.  Honestly more than we will ever use.  It was actually a bit overwhelming just sorting through it all.  And another friend dropped of her old pram which I've pulled apart, washed and put back together again.  Scout has rearranged our bedroom now so we can access the door between both rooms, which is kinda cool.  She also spoilt me by getting me a new stereo for my car as my old one died ages ago and I hadn't gotten around to replacing it.  This new one also has bluetooth etc which I've never had before so it's all a bit of a novelty.  

So things have been going great guns for us, but while we've been moving on to new milestones, our friends who have also been TTC are continuing to have a rough ride and we still haven't been able to bring ourselves to tell them we are pregnant.  We have been waiting in hope that they might also get lucky soon but they have just had more heartache and are actually mentally and emotionally in a really bad place at the moment.  They need our support right now, not an announcement, so we are continuing to keep things to ourselves.  They live in a different town and we only see them occasionally so we can get away with phone contact for now but a time will come when we will have to tell them and I am dreading it.  I feel bad about holding out on them but they have been in such a bad way lately I don't want to add to or amplify their pain.  It's difficult.  We don't know what's the right thing to do ... And our heart is breaking for them.  

Anyway ... we are extremely grateful to be where we are at right now and I plan on embracing every moment of this pregnancy because I know how lucky we are to have made it this far.  So fingers crossed all goes well tomorrow and  I'll post again soon, hopefully with some new pics of our little one :)

Thursday, 7 November 2013

We have movement!

I started feeling the baby move this week!  Up until now I've had all sorts of weird feelings down there but they've usually been uncomfortable or painful which is apparently due to all my endo scarring being pulled and stretched.  This is the first time I've felt something that didn't feel like that.  At first it was a bit like a few feather light taps in a certain area, a bit like bubbles popping but now I'm starting to notice bigger movements and occasional jitters in my tummy.  It's usually happens at night when I'm lying down but I'm noticing it more now just when I'm sitting still for any period of time.   Anyway, it's nice to finally have a sign of life in there now.  Makes me feel a lot more connected to baby :)

I'm now 18 weeks!  Some days I think my bump looks like a real baby bump and other days I think it just looks like a big beer gut.  Fortunately the baby belly days are becoming more and more frequent than the beer belly days :). Here's my 16 and 18 week bump shots ...

16 Weeks
18 weeks

I got Scout to take these for me, but apparently a friend of the family who does photography is keen to document the rest of our pregnancy and the birth for us for free, in return for using some of the pics on her website.  Will be interesting to see how that goes!

We've also been offered a gilder / rocker recliner from one of my brothers friends and all their old basinette and cot sheets and mattress protectors which is great.  She had a boy and also wants to give us a bunch of clothes if we end up having one too.  Our 20 week ultrasound is booked for the 25th so it won't be much longer till we find out what we're having!

Apart from all that, my back continues to be 'unhappy' in general.  I also don't have a lot of appetite at the moment which is unusual for me.  I can only eat small meals and don't even feel like snacking (crazy!).  I've also been bad about hydrating.  I just don't feel like drinking but I'm trying hard to make an effort.  Yesterday I ate half a watermelon at work just to try and get some more fluid into me because I just can't stomach drinking much water at the moment for some reason.  I know I'm getting dehydrated and my hay fever is also drying me out at night but I'm finding it hard to stay on top of it.  Anyway ... I'm working on it.

Last Thursday night Charlie also brought a stomach bug home from school (joy!).  She started vomitting in the middle of the night and didn't stop till Friday afternoon.  Then Saturday night both Scout and Jazz started up with it which lasted another 24 hours.  I think I washed my hands about 200 times in that 24 hours and was running around disinfecting everything they touched while they weren't looking lol.  Thankfully it looks like it's paid off cos I haven't gotten it which is pretty lucky be because Scout had it bad and is still recovering now almost a week later!  

Anyway ... I have more to share but I'll never get this post up if I don't do it now.  Will try to post again before our scan!

Tuesday, 22 October 2013

Nesting, baby brain and pissing my pants

16 weeks today :). No change in weight but still have plenty of hip pain going on for some reason and lately even a bit of stabbing pain in the sacrum.  I've started nesting ... already ... which is crazy cos I really don't have the energy for it.  My hay fever has been really bad, so sleep is just not happening with a blocked nose, dehydrated mouth and hips that do not subscribe to side lying, but somehow I'm still wanting to be cleaning and organising the house (?!).  We've been cleaning out cupboards etc and culling crap in general, but in the process we've also set up the girl's old cot in the baby's room, along with a change table, and a rug, cupboard and some shelves all bought on eBay.  There is still a pile of other junk in that room we need to sort through, sell, give to charity etc, but before we get to that I really want to sort out our own bedroom because it's pretty much the most neglected room in the whole house.  Anyway, it's making me tired just thinking about it.  Everything will get done eventually - I need to just chill about it.

Apart from dealing with the hay fever and lack of sleep I've been doing ok.  Work is hard when I'm feeling so tired from lack of sleep and my brain is just not working but I've got a loooong way to go so I need to figure out a way to cope with it.  My belly is growing and my clothing options are getting more limited.  I really need to start taking pictures but I still haven't got my act together yet.  I will ... soon :).  Biggest thing I'm looking forward to over the next few weeks is hopefully feeling some movements - there's heaps of different things I feel down there throughout the days but nothing I think would fit that description.  Worst symptom over the past week or so is actually wetting my pants when I cough.  How bad is that?!  When I haven't even had a baby yet?!!!   Scout thinks it's funny ... But i'm not impressed.  I really need to do something about my pathetic pelvic floor ... NOW.  Anyway ... Time for zzz ... my brain is barely functioning.  Hope everyone else is doing ok x

Sunday, 13 October 2013

All Good :)

I know I've been slack with posting an update but I have just been really really tired.  At night I get home and just crash, so I haven't really had the energy to blog, but the scan which we ended up having at 13 weeks was fine.  Little one is doing everything it should which is great :).  Looking like a real little person now!  Due date based on growth came back as 05/04 but since this is slightly ahead of my original LMP based date (08/04) my mid wife suggested we stick with the 08/04 which is fine by me.  My first midwife appointment was last week and seemed pretty straight forward.  Lots of questions, gave me an pile of info booklets etc and talked about birthing and breast feeding classes they have at the hospital we will be delivering at.  We're keen to do the breast feeding class when we get closer to the due date but I'm not so sure about the birthing classes.  They're obviously going to be full of hetero couples and I'm just not sure it's something either of us are keen on putting ourselves through.  Scout never did birthing classes when she was pregnant with the girls and doesn't think it's necessary so I think we might skip it.  I don't know if anyone else has any thoughts on this?  Anyway ... Here's the pic from our scan.  They only gave me one and it's a bit fuzzy so we've decided to go somewhere else for the 20 week scan.

                     

Just before the scan I told a few of the people I work with that I was pregnant and then told management not long after, so now the news is pretty much all out there.  It's still filtering around to some but most people know and have been really excited for us :). 

Apart from being crazy tired, the morning sickness started to ease off around 12 weeks and can still come and go but it's nowhere near as constant or intense so I feel pretty lucky.  I'm starting to get more heart burn than anything now.  I've also had some weird pains in my tummy.  A few incidents of what I'm assuming was round ligament pain - mostly on the right but occasionally on the left.  I thought this didn't come till later but I'm discovering most things I've heard others talk about are turning out to be slightly different than I expected!  I had two nights of really bad pain at my pubic bone a week or two back which had me struggling to even get out of bed or roll over or anything, but fortunately that's disappeared now and moved on to nightly back and hip pain which is fortunately a bit more manageable.  Sneezing and coughing has been VERY painful when lying down for some time now and I have to tuck my legs up to avoid it.  Because it's spring, my hay fever has kicked in so I'm having to assume this 'tuck' position alot at night.

My tummy is expanding and I've been wearing maternity jeans to work.  Scout's had me coco-buttering my boobs, belly and butt every morning pretty much since we found out we were pregnant so my skin feels pretty good but it'll be interesting to see how it goes once this baby really starts pushing the boundaries!  It feels tight in there but I've still got plenty of soft chub on the outside :). I've not been eating the best I must confess, but I think it's had a lot to do with how tired I've been.  It's just been hard to be organised with meals.  I'm also often eating to try and feel better but I've discovered this doesn't always help.  So, so far I've put on 2.5 kg (almost 6 pounds?).  Will be interesting to see what happens to that number over the next couple of months!  
The girls are now back from holidays and we are back into the old routine with school etc.  It's a hard push at night after work to get everything done especially when I'm tired but I'm hanging in there.  Last weekend before they got back we decided to relocate Charlie into the spare room so we can make her old room into the baby's room.  It has an adjoining door to our room which we've previously just blocked off with a cupboard on our side and Charlie's bed on the other, but now it makes sense to set that room up as a nursery so we spent a lot of time reorganising things to make what was previously the spare room work for Charlie and it's turned out pretty good.  Now we just need to sort out the rest of the house and start collecting some of the stuff we'll need for baby :).  Anyway, lots to do but thankfully we still have plenty of time to do it all.  I'll keep you posted ... hopefully more often now that I'm in the second trimester!  

Tuesday, 24 September 2013

12 weeks 5 days

Not feeling nauseous quite as often now which is good ... but still feeling pretty tired and am starting to get headaches.   I'm now pessary free :). After the first week at half the dose my progesterone came in at 95 and after the second week with no pessaries at all it was 107 so I was pretty happy with that.  For the most part things seem to be going really well and while I'm feeling pretty positive, I have to say I'm starting to get alittle nervous in the lead up to my scan in a couple of days.  I caught up with a friend the other day to tell her I was pregnant and she then told me she had just had a miscarriage.   I felt terrible.  I didn't know she was pregnant or even trying, so talk about bad timing for me to be rocking up to tell her our news after what she's just been through.  She was happy for me but I felt pretty bad.  And she found out about the miscarriage at her 12 week scan so now I'm feeling a bit uneasy knowing my own scan is coming up.  I just need to try and stay positive and wait and see.  I told my dad our news last weekend and his response was a bit flat.  I think he was in a bit of shock since he didn't know we'd been trying  ... who knows what he was thinking.  I also told a few of the other girls I work with and fortunately they gave me a much better reception :). If all goes well with the scan then I'll be telling my supervisor and pretty much everyone will know after that.  

Our girls have been away visiting their dad for the holidays so Scout and I have been enjoying having some time to ourselves.  We took them away to Phillip Island for a weekend before they left and this past weekend we went away with Scout's parents to Acheron - they have a caravan and we took our camper.  We just hung out and did a bit of fishing which was nice.  Wasn't so great having to get up in the freezing cold and stumble through the caravan park to go to the toilet all the time at night but the rest of it was good lol.  Not sure what we will do next weekend, but it will be our last one before the girls come home so we'll be making the most of it ;). Anyway ... will post again after our scan. 

Sunday, 8 September 2013

Bloated

Over the past two weeks my belly has blown up like a balloon!  I'm blaming the progesterone, but it doesn't seem to be making any difference that I'm now no longer on the stuff.  I'm not ready to tell people at work I'm pregnant ... but I'm sure people must be wondering given all this bloating is making me look alot further down the track than I really am.  My pants are uncomfortable and my shirts are riding up, even though all I'm housing at is a little Brazil nut!  Crazy.  

The morning, noon and night sickness continues.  Mornings are the worst ... It starts around 6am and doesn't ease up until about 10.  Apples help ... but not always.  Some days I find myself gripping my desk at work just trying to hang in there, wondering how the heck I'm going to get through the rest of the day.  Thankfully it usually subsides and is only off and on the rest of the day but I've had the odd occasion where it's hung around all day.  Anyway ... I'm taking it all as a good sign.  I'll be 10 weeks tomorrow!  Can't believe it :)

This past week we told Scout's mums side of the family and over the next few days we'll be telling her dad's side as well.  It's a bit difficult with the girls around because we don't plan on telling them till after the first trimester.  As nice as it would be to tell them right now ... they've been disappointed before so I'd rather wait till I feel alittle bit safer than I do right now.  The less time they have to wait between finding out a baby is coming and having that baby arrive, the better.  9 months is a looooong time to wait when you're 6 ;).  Jazzy's behaviour has also been pretty bad lately so we need to keep the focus on dealing with that right now anyway.  I'll post about this later ... but let's just say her teacher has had to have words with us on two occassions over the past 3 days of school.  Joy.  Anyway ... apart from that, things are good :)

Thursday, 29 August 2013

Yes Sir, that's my baby!

Had our second scan today and the difference is amazing!  In just two weeks our little blob has quadrupled in sized and is now actually starting to take on the shape of a baby with little buds starting to show for arms and legs :). Today marks 8 weeks 2 days and our little one is measuring 8 weeks 3 days.

                   

Scout got a much better view of the screen than me and could actually see it wriggle it's little butt!  The heart rate was 175 bpm and Scout was not impressed lol.  She's a big believer in heart rate being predictive of gender and I've tried to tell her the heart rate will change over time but of course she can't help herself.  Anyway, old wives tales aside, I'm just glad there IS a heart beat and it's a good one at that :).  After the scan we had a discussion about the progesterone.  My FS wants to start weening me off it.  I'm nervous about it.   Really - I know it's not that big a deal because it was a frozen embryo transfer so I ovulated and there's a corpus luteum in there doing it's thing but it's taken a lot of embryos to finally get one to stick and I feel like the progesterone pessaries had something to do with that.  Anyway ... Starting tonight I will be skipping pessaries every second day and I'll go in for a blood test next week to make sure the levels are still ok.  If they are, then I'll stop the pessaries all together and have another blood test a week later just to make sure things are still fine.  If I spot (which I better not!) then I'll have to recommence the pessaries again.  So at this point I'm hoping this weening process goes off without a hitch and then we can officially graduate from my IVF clinic and specialist :). I have to book in with my GP now to get the ball rolling with the testing that needs to be done between 10-12 weeks and we have our first midwife appointment at 14 weeks.  

Up until now I've been pretty reserved but since the scan today it's finally starting to sink in that we are actually pregnant and all going well we're going to have a baby!  You would think with all the nausea and fatigue that would have sunk in by now but it hadn't really.  I guess I just needed to see some evidence of something that remotely resembled a baby ... and we have that now :).  Crazy!!  Anyway, I'm ridiculously tired and need to hit the hay.  For some reason I'm not sleeping very well and have been waking up at 12am to pee and then tossing and turning and peeing till 4am before I finally fall asleep again.  It's been exhausting ... especially when I need to get up at 6.30am for work.   So I'm really hoping I get some sleep tonight cause I NEED IT.  More Zzzzzzz please!

Friday, 23 August 2013

Sharing with others

We've had an interesting week.  Last Sunday (3 days after our 6 week scan) we had a visit from our friends who have also been TTC for the past 2 years.  We haven't seen or talked to them in awhile and were hoping their visit was to tell us they were well on their way through a pregnancy but unfortunately that wasn't the case.  They have had numerous miscarriages and the latest has pretty much taken them to the limits of what they can bare.  I am devastated for them and all the heartache they've been through.   In a last ditch effort they have decided to try one more time and switch who will carry.  We are hoping and praying it will make the difference for them because they have seriously been through enough.   Although it's fortunate that they do have the option of switching who will carry, it was clearly a painful decision to make.  To go through so much that you finally reach a point where you choose to accept that your body cannot and will not carry a baby is huge.  I really feel for them.  Needless to say we did not share our news with them and if our little one does go the distance, it will be hard to tell them.  I know they will be happy for us, but I also know that any happiness for us will be mixed with a lot of sadness for them.   

My mum also came to visit this week.  At first she sounded like she was just going to pop in for a quick hello and I kinda cracked it with her over the phone.  We hardly get to see her so I wanted to be able to spend a bit of time with her while she was in town and I also wanted her to spend time with Scout and the girls too.  Popping in one evening on a weekday to say hi when she's spent days hanging out with her partners friends is not good enough, so being my overly emotional pregnant self, I had a bit of an angry rant which turned into tears on the phone.   Fortunately that was enough to get her to change her plans and spend some time with us but I was disappointed that it took a mini meltdown on the phone to get her to check her priorities.  Anyway we told her our news on the second day she was with us.  I kinda chickened out on the first day.  If she'd known we were trying it would have been easier but it felt a bit like coming-out to some extent about TTC!  Needless to say she was pretty shocked.  I think she had long given up on me ever giving her a grandchild (apart from the girls that is), so it took her a little bit to process it all but in the end she seemed genuinely happy for us.  She also mentioned in the conversations that followed that she actually went through menopause at 41 which I wasn't aware of.  So I guess it's not surprising my egg quality is as shit as it is given I'm potentially 2 years away from that myself.  Scary.  

Anyway ... We are now 7 weeks 5 days, and our second scan is just a few days away.  Fingers crossed everything is still going fine in there.  I am now pretty much nauseous on and off all day, every day.  It's unpleasant but I'm not about to complain.  What I feel like I can handle eating one day, is no good the next.  I haven't puked yet but I've come close.  Scout's been waiting for the day it finally happens.  Yesterday she told me she's a sympathetic chucker so she won't be able to hold my hair when my head's in the toilet bowl but she'll be right there with me 'in spirit' lol.  She makes me laugh.  I feel very lucky to be going through this with a female partner who knows what it's like.  She is constantly looking for ways to look after me or make me feel better, like having hard lollies for me to suck on when I suddenly get sick in the car :).  She came home with donuts the other day thinking I would be all over them since she ate donuts a lot when she was pregnant, but unfortunately my stomach was not up for it.  She was so disappointed that her little plan to surprise me had backfired.  We also had a look at some maternity pants not long ago that she wanted me to buy but I said no cos I didn't need them yet.  She pretty much told me "That's fine, I'll just buy them for you when you're not looking and hide them in the cupboard till the day you are standing in front of the mirror crying that you have nothing to wear and then I'll look good when I whip them out and make your day" lol.  She's the best.  I am so lucky to have her :). Anyway thanks everyone who commented on our scan pic the other week. I'll post again after our next scan on Thursday.  

Thursday, 15 August 2013

We have a blob!!!

We were very nervous and excited about the scan today ... and thankfully it went great :).  Our little one is measuring right on track at 6 weeks 2 days and had a heart rate of 114 bpm!   Amazing to see it flashing away on the screen and then to hear it :). We are just over the moon and so happy to know that everything is just as it should be at this point.  I'm feeling pretty good, probably because I'm on a bit of a high from the scan!  The cramps seem to have eased off a bit lately which is nice.  So my only real symptoms at the moment are sore boobs, fatigue and occasional sickly feeling if I've gone too long without eating.   Our next scan is in another 2 weeks and all going well, we'll be off to join the public queue of pregnant women after that :)  Next week my mum will be visiting us for a day or so.  She lives in Queensland and I haven't seen her for over 18 mths.  I'm not sure when we will be seeing her again so we plan on telling her our news while she's here.  She doesn't even know we've been TTC so who knows how she'll react but hopefully it will be positive.  I'm sure it will be.  We will probably wait till around the 10 week mark to tell the girls and the rest of the family.  It's been hard keeping it from the girls cos we know how excited they will be ... But it's only another month to wait which will no doubt go quickly :).  Anyway ... Here's the pics from the scan today.  It doesn't look like much but that fuzzy blob is the beginnings of our baby!

                 

Saturday, 10 August 2013

No news is good news :)

5 weeks 4 days and still pregnant :). The cramping continues on and off most days and I've had a few nights now where it's been bad enough to wake me up.  When this happens it usually coincides with a rush to the toilet.  This is not typical for me at all but I guess this is what pregnancy is going to be like for me.  Scout is worried about all the cramping but for the most part I'm still trying tell myself this is just all part of the process.  I feel a lot like I've got my period but AF continues to stay away, much to my amazement.  This week has been busy and I've been tired.  Last weekend we had lots of family things on and Tuesday we had Jasmine's birthday.  She turned 6 and has been a real little miss in the lead up to it.  Her bad behaviour peaked on her birthday with her teacher telling us she had been talking over the top of other kids, was caught kicking someone (!) while lining up and apparently told her PE teacher that "she could do whatever she wanted because it was her birthday" ... Hmmm.  Seriously ... We don't talk like that in our house and that kind of behaviour is completely unexceptable. We made her apologise to her teacher the next day and write a letter of apology to her PE teacher.  Since then she's been a bit better.  Today we had her party and this is the first time we've done one at home with other school friends.  Scout says it's also the last time lol.  The kids were fine (we kept it small and it was only for two hours) but two of the kids dad's also decided to hang around for the whole thing and one was a bit of a jerk.  Anyway ... We survived :).  Here's the birthday cake I did for Jazz ...

                        

Tomorrow we have to do it all over again with family which should be fine.  I'm just worried I'll be tired and people will hang around which usually happens.  We aren't planning on telling anyone we're pregnant for a little while yet so I can't exactly excuse myself to go lie down.  I'm just going to have to do my best to stay off my feet when I can and thankfully I have a wonderful wife who will make sure I do.  Scout has been amazing this week getting the house and yard all cleaned up and even cooked a few extra meals for the girls so I didn't have to cook when I got home from work.  She's the best!  Anyway, I'll be glad when this weekend is over and we can both just relax a bit.   Our scan is next Thursday, so not much longer till we find out if everything is on track in there.  I'm trying not to think too much about it or get too attached to the idea of being pregnant just yet.  The cramping is probably making me feel alittle cautious but for the most part I'm pretty positive and obviously hoping for the best on Thursday.    

Friday, 2 August 2013

Let the games begin!

It's finally starting to sink in that we are actually pregnant.  Had to POAS just for the hell of it Thursday night just to know it was actually real, they didn't mixed up my tube of blood with someone elses and my piss can actually produce two lines!
I know it looks just like all the other ones people post but the difference here is ...
it's sitting on MY kitchen bench ;). 
I have to say I'm a bit surprised at just how quickly this little pip is starting to take control of my body.  I honestly wasn't expecting too many major symptoms for another couple of weeks but it's been pretty much immediate.  Before I even knew we were pregnant I was having waves of nausea, fatigue and back pain and by my AF due date I was getting diarrhea!  I was telling myself it was all the progesterone but we now know it was alittle more than that :).  Thursday night I went to sleep early and got woken up by stomach cramps at 11.30pm.  These cramps have been on and off pretty much since around implantation time and haven't gone away.  I got up to go to the toilet (because sometimes these cramps seem to be bowel related) and proceeded to become really nauseous and faint to the point where I needed to lie down again before I passed out.  After that I couldn't get back to sleep and tossed and turned till 4.30am.  Just as well I'd arranged to have Friday off work as well because I woke up exhausted.  Crazy ... and we're barely even into this pregnancy so I'm thinking I might be in for a bit of a ride!  Scout has been a little concerned about the cramping I keep having and was worried that my FS has cut my progesterone back to only one 400mg pessary a day now.  But my progesterone was 97 at the last test and from what I've read, plenty of women have cramping throughout their first trimester as their uterus grows ... so as long as I don't spot, I'm not going to let it bother me.  

Another thing that's surprised me is that I already need to book in for an appointment with a hospital antenatal clinic!  I thought we wouldn't have to worry about this till some time after the scan but they've pretty much told us we need to get on it right now.  Scout wasn't surprised since she's a veteran, but I was and the thought of it was actually alittle bit overwhelming to be honest.  I don't know why but having to suddenly make a decision about where to deliver when we've only just found out we're pregnant felt like a bit of pressure!  I know I've probably read blogs of others where this was mentioned but clearly I hadn't understood the gravity of how closely 'finding out' and 'having to decide' coincided!  We are pretty much booked out with family commitments for the next two weeks so finding time to visit hospitals is pretty much impossible.  Fortunately Scout is very sensible about this stuff so we've decided on a hospital without visiting it - just based on the fact that it will be able to handle any complications that might come up and it's located conviniently enough to family who will need to help out with looking after the girls.  We can always change our minds later if our first appointment goes badly but I think it'll be fine.

Anyway ... We have big day ahead if us today so I need to get a wriggle on.  Jazzy's birthday is next week so we have presents to by, need to get to the party shop for supplies and then have a family dinner to go to tonight.  I also want to get to the shops to buy a big fat tub of prenatal vitamins so I can ditch these "pre-conception" tablets I feel like I've been taking for forever!

Thursday, 1 August 2013

In Shock

We are pregnant!!! Can't freaking believe it!  We discussed testing this morning but decided against it, so when we went in to get the blood test done we had no idea what to expect.  We were parked in the car this afternoon with my phone on speaker when the nurse told us the results.  Scout literally jumped out of her seat and yelled "What?!!  You're kidding!  It's positive?  No way!  Oh my god!".  She ran around to my side of the car and started hugging me.  I just burst into tears and started crying into the phone.  Poor nurse was laughing at how shocked we were.  We were just completely blind-sided by the result.  HCG was 325!  I don't even have to go back for a second test.  All these faux symptoms I thought I was having were actually the real deal.  Can not believe it.  Feel truly blessed to finally get a BFP.  I was starting to doubt my body could do it ... but it did :). Our scan is booked for 15th Aug and we are looking forward to seeing what exactly is in there!  Has been the best day ever ... And Scout just got back from the shops with a big bunch of flowers for me :).   I feel like the luckiest lady on the planet!

Wednesday, 31 July 2013

Last day of waiting ... for now.

Today is 13dp2dt.  Still haven't touched the sticks and am starting to feel sick about what the outcome will be tomorrow.  My stress and anxiety is back and the progesterone is not helping.  All weekend I felt like my body wanted to bleed and the progesterone was the only thing keeping that from happening.  Since then I've been cramping on and off but nowhere near as bad.

Anyway ... I forgot to post the Liebster questions for those I nominated the other day.  So here they are  :)
1.  Favourite thing/toy when you were a kid.
2.  First job you ever had.
3.  What type of music you're into
4.  Favourite piece of clothing and why
5.  Something you can't bare to throw out.
6.  A guilty pleasure.
7.  Favourite TV series
8.  A feature, trait or habit you inherited from your parents
9.  Something you'd like to be better at.
10.  If you we're to donate a lot of money to a charity, which would it be?
11.  If you could go back in time to visit another decade or era, which would you choose?
.  

Saturday, 27 July 2013

Liebsters and the TWW


We are now at 10dp2dt.  Technically I could probably start testing but I've decided to stay away from the sticks this time.  I just can't handle day after day of BFNs so we are waiting till OTD.  To be honest I'm not finding it all that hard to resist temptation with the sticks now thanks to my POAS aversion.  Sure it would be nice to know right now if we've got a BFP but I'm just not ready for another BFN.  Beta is due on Thursday.  Normally I get the blood test done before work and get the results in the afternoon while I'm still at work, which I hate.  It's crap getting your results at work when it's negative ... trying to hold your shit together meanwhile your pretty much imploding.  I'm not doing that again.  So both of us have organised to take both the Thursday and Friday off work so we go in for the blood test together, get the results together and have a long weekend together to deal with the results.   I feel good about this plan ... I feel relieved.  And there is no way I'm letting some stick get the better of me while I still have another 3 days of work to get through.  My period is due Monday but given how much progesterone I'm on at the moment I don't expect to bleed till I stop taking it.  So ... We'll just wait and see how we go.

Also I'd like to give a big thank-you to B&C at 'Our Journey to Become Mummies', Nell B at 'Four Completes The Set' and Lexi and Sarah at 'Our Baby Making Journey' who each nominated me for a Liebster award :)  Liebster's are all about giving recognition to small bloggers (200 followers or less).  It's also a great way to find new blogs to read ;).  And to find out that others actually read yours!

The rules:
1. Thank the Liebster Blog presenter who nominated you and link back to their blog.
2. Post 11 facts about yourself, answering the 11 questions you were asked and create 11 questions for your nominees.
3. Nominate 11 blogs who you feel deserve to be noticed and leave a comment on their blog letting them know they have been chosen.
4. Display the Liebster Award logo.
5. No tag backs meaning you can’t just re nominate the person who nominated you.
                  
My answers to their questions (I've picked a few from each so I've actually answered 12 in total):
FromB&C:
1.  Most embarrassing moment from your high school years?  The worst is actually from primary school.  I got my period at after school care.  I actually thought I'd shit myself.  I had no idea what it was.
2.  If you had to move to another country, where would you move?  Norway.  I spent a year working there as a nanny when I was younger and always thought it was a great place to raise a family.  They are just a really healthy nation and are all about the great outdoors and nature so I think my little family would love it :)
3.  City or nature person?  Nature.  I love living in the country and wouldn't trade it but I also enjoy having a city just 90mins away :)
4.  If you had to change careers, what would you pick?  I'd do horticulture and be an arborist or a landscape architect.  I like getting my hands dirty ... and plants are rarely a pain in the arse (unless they're a weed!).  
From Nell B:  
1.  What is your greatest fear?  Losing my family - not that this will ever happen but I couldn't live without Scout and the girls.
2. What is your greatest accomplishment?  Overcoming my driving phobia.  Sounds silly but I would get anxiety and start crying whenever I had to get behind a wheel.  When I was 27 I bit the bullet and forced myself to learn to drive without freaking out.  I now drive without issue but I think I'll always be a bit of a "granny driver".
3.  What public behaviours do you find the most offensive?  Spitting ... It's just disgusting.
4.  What is your favourite quote or saying?  It's actually a gesture ... that means "fuck knows".  I can't find a picture of the gesture itself but it involves my thumb and forefinger encircling my nose.  I do it almost unconsciously when I don't know the answer to something.  It's a habit from my Queensland days.
From Lexi and Sarah:
1.  Sweet or salty?  Salty ... But then I need to follow it up with something sweet!
2.  Describe yourself when you were 18.  A goodie-two-shoes virgin who still hadn't come out of the closet.
3.  Favorite season:  Spring :). The start of a new cycle of life in nature.  I love all the baby lambs in the fields and the new ducklings in the ponds and the shoots and buds starting to grow back on all the trees.  It's just plain makes makes me happy.
4.  Do you own any pets?  We have a lab retriever named 'Anikan', a fluffy ginger and white cat named 'Merkin', a very large grey rabbit name 'Bella', a turtle shell coloured guinea pig named 'Sprinkles', some fish and an axolotil named 'Oscar'.

As for nominations ... This is hard cos I can't nominate those who nominated me and lots of people I follow have already been nominated.  I have also been slack about expanding my blog roll this year so I can't come up with 11, but here are a few I'd like to acknowledge :)
1.  My TTC Obstacle Course - Genuine, funny and the writer has always been supportive of me in my own TTC journey.
2.  Non Fat Caramel Lesbian Does Baby Making - A success story by another supportive blogger who's had her ups and downs.
3.  Lezbemoms - 2 superhero mums who have been juggling 5 kids and are in the TTC game again!
4.  2AussieMammas - One alittle closer to home who is a regular poster of cute pics.
5.  Thoughts of Babies -  They are finally pregnant after a rough trott and it's TWINS!
6.  Hope is something you pee on - A blog about resiliance and sacrifice when TTC against all odds.  Plus I just love the name.
7.  Wigand Writes - Two mums with a little lady and now another on the way!
8.  Two Mummies Want a Baby - Two mums who've had a rough time so far TTC

Wednesday, 24 July 2013

Progesterone Mind Games

Had another blood test and my progesterone is now at a very respectable 61.  FS wants me to stick with the 400mg pessaries twice daily which I'm ok with.  It's not as messy as the crinone and I don't smell all hormoney like I did when I was on that.  It does cost a bit ... but I guess time will tell if it's been worth it.  The high doses have me loaded up with progesterone symptoms which I am trying to ignore.  Seriously messes with my head.  I am currently 6dp2dt.  If our little embies are gonna stick, this is the time.

Sunday, 21 July 2013

Post 101

Who knew I'd still be TTC after this many posts?  Crazy ... or at least I think that's what I might be starting to become!  We took the girls to see 'Despicable Me 2' last night at the movies and now the girls are minion crazy so this morning we decided to make some out of balloons and toilet rolls.  I was coping ok right up until the balloon for Jazz's purple minion kept leaking and every replacement I made kept popping.  I could feel my agitation growing but instead of taking a break I just kept going because I wanted to get the last one finished.  Anyway long story short, the balloons were old and not being my friend and when the last one exploded so did I.  Bloody balloons.  Scout had to send me to bed where I proceeded to burst into tears.  Seriously felt like I was having an anxiety attack lying there in bed ... all over a bit of arts and crafts with the kids!  Crazy hormones ... Anyway hopefully they're doing whatever they're suppose to be doing.   Here's a pic of the girls with their finished Minions, thanks to Scout :).   The purple one's look a bit like me in an IVF cycle ...

                     

Thursday, 18 July 2013

Embies 8 & 9 deployed

Transfer was a little painful and I've had a bit of spotting since.  My cervix must be starting to narrow again.  The good news is 8 & 9 thawed beautifully and were apparently multiplying and dividing again at 5 and 7 cells.  Scout was with me for the transfer.  Earlier in the week it was looking like she might not be able to make it but she did :). We had to drive there separately and the traffic was a nightmare.  They always ask me to get there 30mins before the appointment time to sign paperwork (which takes 2mins) and then my FS didn't show up till 30mins after when the appointment was suppose to be, so essentially we were waiting around for nearly an hour for the transfer after stressing in traffic for 70mins!  I had bloods taken and they rang me this afternoon to say my progesterone was 15 which is apparently little low, so they've put me on 400mg pessaries twice daily.   The Crinone gel I was previously on was only 90mg daily and I was pretty bad on that so I suspect Scout is in for a rough ride over the next 2 weeks.  Fingers crossed it makes a difference.  Beta is due Aug 1.

                       
 


Monday, 15 July 2013

Surging hormones

I've started and then deleted a number of posts over the last week and I'm putting it all down to hormones making me alittle crazy.  I'm in a natural cycle without all the drugs I'm usually on, but for some reason I am coping worse this cycle than ever before.  My anxiety has been through the roof over the last 24 hours to the point where I feel like I'm already grieving a BFN and we haven't even gotten to transfer yet.  I've been freaking out about my surge being delayed, angry that I feel like I'm floating along in this cycle on my own without any FS running the show and this morning I pretty much burst into tears because the nurse couldn't answer my question about what drugs I needed to pick up for luteal phase support.  Thankfully my bloods from this morning confirmed a surge and I've managed to pull myself together enough to realise it's the rising hormones that's got me over-reacting about literally everything.  I seriously don't ever recall being this emotional around ovulation.  I'm fed up with my clinic, my FS and all my repeated failures at this IVF crap.  I'm also angry with myself for not demanding more from these people and putting up with such little progress in treatment to date.  I was  so traumatised by that last BFN.  It took me a long time to even think about doing IVF again without crying and now I feel like I'm experiencing some kind of Pavlovian response from being in a cycle again.  Essentially I'm a bit of a basket case at the moment ... but apparently I'm good to go for a transfer this Thursday.  AND shock horror, my FS is actually requesting more bloods post transfer to monitor my progesterone levels this time.  I am praying for her to give me something ... ANYTHING different to do to get through this cycle.  

Saturday, 6 July 2013

Hope and putting it out there

We are now in our 5th IVF cycle, doing a natural thaw to put back the last of our embies.  Today is day 6.  I start using OPKs on Tuesday (just to make sure I don't miss an early ovulation) and have a scan on Wednesday (day 10) to make sure my uterus and ovaries and doing the right thing.  My last few cycles have been super short probably because of the weight loss / diet and exercise so I've been backing off on both for the last 2 weeks.  This last period was the shortest I've ever had.  I'm hoping this is a good thing and not a sign of pre-menopause (which would be just fucking dandy).  My clinic has been in fine form needing to be chased to do their job again.  First I had to chase up the admin people about confirming the cost of the cycle, then I needed to chase the nurse to get orders for the cycle from my FS, then I had to chase my FS's receptionist about getting back to me with an appointment for a scan with another FS since Dr P will be on holidays for the first half of my cycle.  It never ceases to amaze me how much I am paying for such a rediculously disorganised service.   Fortunately at this point I am relatively indifferent about the whole thing.  I just want to get this cycle out of the way so we can move on to greener pastures.  Our new specialist sounds awesome and I can't wait to meet her on 13th August.  I am looking forward to being tested for everything under the sun so we can be clear there isn't anything else we should be addressing ... which I suspect there is.  My current FS has been reluctant to do further tests re: immune issues etc until I've had at least 8 embryos fail to implant.  Given I've had 7 fail and if/when the next 2 follow suit we will be up to 9 ... I think we've wasted more than enough time, money and eggs/embryos meeting this rediculous criteria.  I just want to be tested and want to try something new.

Fertility crap aside, everyone in our house has been sick with the flu and I have been lucky last to finally get it so I have had the last few days off work and am resting up to try and get over it before we get to transfer.  The girls have been on holidays, so Scout has been working a lot on weekends and at night to keep all the balls in the air.  As much as we have been trying to save in preparation for the next few rounds of IVF, we have had too many other random expenses come up lately to make much headway.  It basically comes down to hoping we get a kick arse tax return which I think we will get given how much money we spent over the last 12 months on medical/IVF expenses.  Fingers crossed that's how it plays out anyway.

Apart from that I don't have much else worth sharing right now from my own little world. Too be honest, after hearing the news that Lex from CrazyLesbianMum is currently fighting the fight of her life right after being diagnosed with cancer in both her colon and liver ... our day to day issues at home and with TTC just feel small and irrelevant and hardly worth mentioning.  I am so shocked, saddened and just plain devastated for this woman and what's happened to her and I don't even know her.  I can't imagine what her and her family must be going through right now.  I just wish and hope the prayers of the collective of people behind her give her the hope, strength, and healing she needs to both fight and win this battle.  I feel frustrated that as human beings, we can't give the gift of healing to someone by simply wishing it for them.  I feel frustrated that diseases like this still exist in this world and continue to randomly steal away the lives of people we love and care about.  It's just.not.fair.  So for Lex and the two other people I cared about who are currently facing a similar situation, I am thinking you and I hope and pray that someone upstairs offers up the miracles I know each of you could do with right about now x

Tuesday, 18 June 2013

Better late than never?

I know I promised photos a while ago now.  It's taken me ages to get around to pulling them off my phone/pad to upload them but today I finally did!  We have a bit of a digital photo disaster going on in our house at the moment.  There are so many and they are captured and stored on so many different devices it's a bit of a nightmare trying to pull them all together sometimes.  But today I managed to at least sort the photos from our fishing trip so I'll post a few on here.  As for the million other photos ...  I really need to sit down and spend a few hours or (more likely days!) cleaning them up sometime.  But who has time for that?!

Over the past few months Scout's business has started to take off and we are both constantly chasing our tails trying to adjust to us both working now.  Suddenly just staying on top of washing, cleaning and grocery shopping is challenging.  The girls are spending more time in after school care now so they aren't getting picked up till I finish work and it's a push to get them home, bathed, dinner cooked, fed, homework done and into bed all in the space of an hour or so.   I feel bad that the girls are missing out on free time at home now after school and because it's winter they are getting home in the dark, but they have been relatively good about it so I'm grateful for that.  Scout and I are still trying to lose weight although some days it feels like all our efforts are in vain.  Since we are so busy with work we are having to exercise at home at night after the girls go to bed and it's really the last thing I want to do after working all day but I am doing my best to stick at it. We have both lost around 10 kilos now.  I was hoping for a few more off by this point but in hindsight that was probably a little unrealistic of me.  I start my next IVF cycle in 2 weeks so I will have to back off a bit during that and just hope and pray the weight doesn't all come back again with the drugs.

Yesterday I turned 39 and as much as I was not looking forward to this birthday, I've been so spoilt it's actually been a really lovely birthday.  Scout has been working most weekends lately so I hadn't expected to be doing much but she surprised me with an overnight stay down the coast kid free ;).  It was so lovely.  I took the girls to swimming lessons Saturday morning while Scout was supposedly getting ready for work.  She called me just as their lesson ended asking me to come home in a hurry because her car had a flat battery and she needed to get to work.  I raced home and was getting the jumper leads out to jump her car when she called me inside and confessed that she had lied about her car because she wanted me to come straight home.  She told me to pack a bag because she was taking me away for a night :). We dropped the girls off at Scouts mums place and then drove for about 2 hours to a little getaway down the coast.  Scout had rented us a little log cabin near the beach.  When we walked in, I could see the table had been set for us and in the kitchen there was a yummy beef burgundy bubbling away in a slow cooker ready for us to eat!  It was wonderful!  We enjoyed the open fireplace and spa and watched a movie and drank wine and just relaxed.  We had a late check out the next day and didn't have to pick up the girls till that evening.  Then we both took the day off work yesterday for my actual birthday and just hung out together while the girls were at school.  It was nice to just spend time together on our own for a bit ... right up until the school rang and told us Charlie had hurt her neck, was bleeding and needed to be picked up.  By the time we got there Jazz was also in the sick bay having just had her two bottom teeth ripped out in a separate incident!  So we spent the rest of the afternoon and evening dealing with that but I am glad to report both are ok now.  Jazz got $2 from the tooth fairy over night and Charlie had today day off school to rest.  Her neck is badly grazed but she'll live.  The joys of accident prone children!  

Anyway ... I will leave you with some pics as promised and will hopefully blog again soon when we start our next cycle.   I really don't want to have to spend all of 39 TTC so lets hope we have one either on the way or here by this time next year!

Fishing in the early morning just outside Mallacoota  
This emu would not leave Scout alone!
Having a nap in the afternoon by Wallagaraugh river.
Narooma - one of our favourite places :)
Low tide at Durras North
Our best day fishing at Tuross Head
Sunset at Batemans Bay
The girls at Howqua
Charlie on the kayak with Grandad
My birthday getaway :)

Wednesday, 1 May 2013

Slack

I have been a bad blogger :( But I'm hoping it's a good sign! My brain has been processing a lot of things other than baby making which is good. I was getting so depressed by the whole IVF thing that I really needed a decent break. The small breaks inbetween cycles didn't really cut it. I was still trying to be good with foods and supplements and not drinking alcohol or coffee or anything with artificial sweeteners. I was always wondering if maybe I was pregnant even though I'd gotten a BFN, and was too scared to stop everything 'just in case'. But deciding to take 4 months off has let me finally switch my brain off and stop everything which has been the best thing I could have done. I just feel ... relieved, and more myself again. To be honest... I was that fragile after the last BFN I wouldn't have coped with trying again. I got teary everytime I even thought about it and it's only in the last few weeks that I haven't felt that. It helped a lot that Scout and I could get away for 2 weeks on our own while the girls were away.

Our fishing trip involved a lot fishing but not so much fish lol. We did have one really good afternoon at a little place called Tuross where we had fish literally jumping on the line but everywhere else was fairly average. Out of the whole trip we only kept and ate two flathead. The rest we tossed back. We both just enjoyed having time together, getting out on the boat and visiting new places. As nice as it was, it was good to get home to a real bed though. We only spent one night in a cabin and the rest was spent in a tent or the back of the car so our bodies were crying out for a decent mattress!

Now that the girls are home and I'm back at work it's been a bit of an adjustment getting back into the swing of things. We went away for a long weekend in Howqua with the girls and Scout's parents which was fun (more fishing! and a bit of mini golf ;). Scout and I have also starting trying to lose weight (a personal goal rather than a baby making one). We've both put on a bit of weight over the past 12 mths so we've decided it's time to get serious and do something about it. So far I've lost 6 kilos and Scout has lost 7! We both have at least another 10 to go. I feel pretty confident we can do it ... Especially since I'm not doing IVF again until July. The real challenge will be figuring out how to keep it off when I do start IVF again cos it seriously makes me both fat and depressed.

The only TTC thing I am still doing at this point is keeping up my reflexology sessions which I figure is good for managing work stress. My reflexologist is alittle puzzled as to why I'm still not pregnant and has encouraged me to try another clinic which we have been looking into anyway. I have chosen a new specialist and made an appointment with her for the 13th August. I picked this date as it will be approx a week after the beta for our last planned FET with our current clinic. As negative as it sounds to be expecting a BFN I can't see any reason why this next cycle will be any different from the others. We need to plan for this next step and I am actually looking forward to changing things up a bit - including getting a new donor.

Anyway ... I have heaps of pics I want to post but haven't got my act together yet with uploading them which is another reason I've been delaying his post. I'll try to get them up sometime this weekend. Hope all is well with everyone lose out there ;)

Tuesday, 2 April 2013

On a break

We're officially off the TTC bandwagon for 4 months and I'm ok with that. To be honest, if I was younger I'd gladly take a break for the next year or two. But turning 39 this year I really don't feel like that's an option. I've been feeling pretty negative for awhile now about IVF including everyone and everything associated with it, so I'm hoping a few months off will give us some head space and normality for a bit. I've stopped taking the 50 million tablets I feel like I've been on taking for forever (thank goodness - soooo over them) and I've returned to drinking coffee and alcohol (yay!) and basically doing whatever I like without any regard for my fertility which has been, quite frankly, a relief. I've also returned to gardening and spent a lot of time cleaning up our neglected back yard and veggie patch. I've even completed a few projects around the house like installing a cat flap for Merkin and cutting a new anchor well in our tinnie which has made me feel a lot more like my old self. I'm just enjoying not thinking about any TTC crap for the first time in 16mths. Of course I'm still reading everyone's blogs but my blog won't have too much baby making content for a bit. Instead, I think I'll be blogging about other far more exciting things ... like fishing!

Scout and I are on a 2 week road trip at the moment while the girls are visiting their dad. We organised a pet nanny for our furry kin, packed up the car and boat and headed off on Monday with no real plans except to fish the eastern coastline of Victoria into NSW. We packed fairly light so we could sleep in the car if needed. So far we've fished both the Tambo and Snowy River and spent two nights in the car which was interesting. We cut out a foam mattress to fit the back of the car with the seats down and it's not too bad but it certainly doesn't leave much room to move! Have half expected a park ranger to come knocking on the window in the middle of the night to tell us to move along but so far so good! The fishing's been ok. Nothing too exciting but they're biting. Only caught small brim so far which we catch and release. Scout is still struggling to find her game and making me feel guilty each time I pull one in - but I think she'll be giving me a run for my money over the next couple of days! Will post some picks when I get my act together. Happy Easter!

Saturday, 16 March 2013

Just not our time ... And starting to wonder if it ever will be.

BFN again. We used a pretty sensitive stick so I don't hold any hope for the blood test. The weight in my heart just keeps getting heavier as the road gets longer. 7 embryos put back and still no banana. It's starting to look more and more like I don't have any eggs left that are capable of going the distance which is quite a heartbreaking concept to have to try and get my head around. I'm going to get Scout to tell the nurses to call her and not me this time with the test results. I'm just really not up for hearing the same shit again. It's hard enough to go to work and hold myself together day in and day out. I really don't need a phone call from them to rub more salt into the wound. We won't be putting our two remaining frosties back till we've paid off the debt of this last cycle which will take a couple of months. But at this point I don't hold much hope that they will be any different than the last 7. I just want to run off and hide under a rock somewhere. This is not how I want my life to be. I never thought it would be this hard. I never thought I'd end up being one of the women that needed a rediculous number of IVF cycles to get pregnant. And what happens if after a rediculous number of cycles, I'm still not pregnant? Then what? I don't want to think about it. I just want to be pregnant. I just want to be past all this TTC shit. I feel like my life is on hold and I'm stuck somewhere I don't want to be.

Thursday, 14 March 2013

Negative vibes

Nearly at the end and not feeling too great about this cycle. I've been having mild cramps and occasional stabbing pains in the ute for the past 5 days and now it just feels like my period wants to come. I am REALLY emotional this time. Tears are constantly simmering just under the surface. A few actually slipped out today at work while telling a collegue about some work politics that's been stressing me out lately. I am just not feeling good about anything and really not looking forward to testing. I can just feel myself falling apart over yet another BFN. These hormones are messing with me on a whole new level and I am only barely managing to hold it all together. The dizzy, nauseous feeling that plagued me for at least a month after my last BFN has returned and feels like further confirmation of what's ahead. My period is due Monday - Blood test is Wednesday, but the way I feel right now, I wouldn't be surprised if I started bleeding tomorrow.

Sunday, 10 March 2013

Please stick x

At this point I am guessing the fate of this cycle has either already been determined or it's about to be. Our embies have either arrested or if we are really really lucky, one may still be alive and trying to implant. I really hope one is still in there. If they're both gone I'd rather know now so I can move on ... but of course I still have to wait another week for the verdict. As far as symptoms go, I've started having some light cramping but apart from that ... Nada. We went and saw The Wizard of Oz yesterday with the girls, and I might have over done it a bit with some gardening this morning, but essentially we've been having a lazy weekend. I'm back to work tomorrow for the next four days and then I get another long weekend as I have an ADO next Monday, so at least I'll have time to deal with whatever the sticks have to say over the weekend. In the meantime I'm still squirting this crinone crap up my hoohar every night which is gross and makes me stink. My clinic doesn't do any bloods during the wait and I wonder sometimes if my hormones are really where they're suppose to be for the luteal phase. I guess the fact that I stink means the crinone is doing something. Anyway ... They need to come up with a pill that stops you from over thinking stuff in the TWW.

Saturday, 9 March 2013

Restless nights

Last night I had a restless sleep and was awake in the early hours with anxiety (thank you progesterone). I'd had some kind of dream that made me feel less than positive about this cycle, and once I was awake, I started stressing that I hadn't heard anything from the clinic about whether they'd managed to freeze the spare embryos. With the last fresh cycle, I got a letter the day after the transfer saying we had two frozen and in storage. But this time I didn't. I'd gotten in late last night because I had a reflexology session so I figured I might have missed some mail on the table and got out of bed to check but there was nothing there. I went back to bed stressing and tossing and turning till the sun came up. Finally when Scout woke up I asked her about the mail and she said she'd been so rushed collecting the girls from school that she hadn't collected it. Talk about relieved. I sent Jazz out to check and the letter was there - thank goodness - confirming our two spare embryos have been frozen and stored (phew!). I am feeling a whole lot better about things now. Still not very confident about this cycle, but relieved we have spares to go again with ... Especially after I checked my bank balance this morning and saw the massive chunk the clinic had just taken out. Anyway, we have a long weekend here this weekend for labour day so I'm going to enjoy not working and just hang out at home. We might all go to the movies tomorrow if we're really lucky. And on a side note ... I am very proud of our 5 year old who is yet to master dry nights (still!) because she actually got up and went to the toilet on her own for the first time ever last night. Considering she woke us up 3 times the night before (twice with a wet bed), we are very happy to have this little monkey finally go at night on her own. It's been a looooong time coming. Fingers crossed she does it again tonight.

Monday, 23 December 2013

Holidays Finally! And we're having a ...!

The last couple of weeks have been busy ... School Christmas concerts, Charlie and Scout's birthday, our gender reveal, chrissy shopping, taking the kids to different Christmas shows and events, not to mention working our tails off in our respective jobs.  The heat is also turning up outside so bottom line is ... I'm tired and so relieved to be able to finally get off the merry-go-round and have a break for a bit!  I have pretty much done the bare minimum in terms of Christmas preparations this year.  No baking or chutney making.  No advent calender.  We didn't even decorate the outside of the house.  We gave the girls the Christmas tree box and just let them do what they liked with it, which actually turned out pretty good (although alittle heavy on the tinsel!!).  I love the ornaments they chose to use ;)

                       

Apart from just being tired, the other reason we haven't really gotten into the spirit of things is because this will be the first year the girls won't be with us.  They are spending it with their dad in Queensland so we are dropping them off to their Aunty at the airport this afternoon.  I have mixed feelings about this.  Christmas really is all about the kids so it will be a bit weird to wake up to a quiet empty house without them on Christmas morning, but I'm also not about to complain about having some time on our own together :). So since this will also be the last time we will be kid free (ever!) we have booked a hotel in the city for xmas eve and I'm looking forward to wandering the streets listening to carols and looking at the lights and christmas displays in the shop windows and just doing whatever we feel like without having to worry about the little ones :). 

On the baby front, I am now a very merry 25 weeks pregnant!  Crazy! 

                       

And I can finally say that our gender reveal last weekend was lovely :).  There was only a few people who couldn't make it (because let's face it ... it's a bad time of year to be rescheduling a celebration at the last minute!) but it went off really well and we felt very loved.  It is a rare thing to get both sides of Scout's family together at the same time but we pulled it off and I'm so glad they could all be there for it.  Especially Scout's grandparents who are both quite unwell generally but came along anyway.  People took photos and filmed it for us and I honestly can't rewatch it without tearing up every time (being the pregnant sap that I've become!).  

                       

So it appears there will be a bit more pink joining our little family!  We're very excited :). I felt alittle disappointed for Scout because I know how badly she was hoping for a son but I think those pink balloons that floated past her car the day before helped to convince her there is a special reason we are having a little girl and we both just feel so blessed :)

Anyway, I need to pack a bag and sort out the girls and animals before we leave for the airport!   Merry Christmas everyone, and if I don't post again this year ... I hope you all have a very happy new year x

Saturday, 14 December 2013

Quick catch up

I often think about things I want to blog but right now the time and energy seems hard to come by. I have one week left till I get time off for Christmas holidays and it can't come soon enough! Yesterday was Charlie's birthday. She turned 9! Crazy! We bought her a Billy cart which she put together herself and she's been riding it (and crashing it) ever since :). Jazzy has been a handful just in keeping her fed, entertained and relatively happy. Some days she seems like 3 year old and other days she's bordering on teen behavior. Together, the girls now fight ALOT. Their interests and abilities are becoming increasingly different with Charlie wanting to do her own thing and Jazzy wanting her to still be her constant playmate. It will be interesting to see how a baby changes the dynamics in the house.

Our cancelled BBQ will finally take place tomorrow :)  I'm looking forward to it but tired and will no doubt be a bit stressed trying to pull it all together tomorrow. Scout is nervous about finding out the baby's sex lol. Either way it will be interesting!

I feel baby's movements more and more each day. Both the girls have also felt baby now but I think they are alittle underwhelmed by how subtle the movement still is at the moment on the outside. Hopefully they'll start finding it a bit more exciting in another month or two.

Sleep is still a problem (mostly because of hayfever) but I've pretty much accepted that that's how things will be now. My hips get very sore and I can't figure out how to get comfy with all the big pillows so I have actually resorted to using just one regular pillow and one of the kids pillow pets which is small enough to reposition easily when I roll.  

Anyway I have heaps more to write about but lots to do right now so it will have to wait till after the reveal :).  Hopefully everything goes well tomorrow.  It's going to be a big day!

Ps.  Scout just got back from a driving lesson with a student and is freaking out because in the middle of the lesson a big clear bag filled with pink balloons randomly floated right down in front of her car and then floated away again!  She's pretty much convinced now that we are having a girl!

Saturday, 30 November 2013

Cancelled Reveal

Jazz has been throwing up since 3am this morning with another stomach bug so we have had to cancel our family BBQ today.  We are very disappointed.  Have been doing a lot of preparation and cooking etc to get ready for today so it's been a bit of a fizzer.  But these things happen.  We can't do it without Jazz and even if she starts feeling better later in the day, we don't want her to give it to anyone else.  Scouts nana has a blood disease that effects her immune system so she can't be exposed to any kind of cold or bug, and neither can any of the other family members she lives with.  We've been tossing up just doing our own thing at home today but to be honest, we are both so tired from being up and down with Jazz last night, we're both a bit over it all now.  So we've decided to put all the meat and cakes in the freezer and reschedule to the 15 Dec, which means it will unfortunately have to coincide with Charlie's birthday and another family function in Scout's family.  It's not a good time of year to be changing things at short notice but hopefully we'll still be able to make it work.  So it's now going to be another 2 weeks till we'll know what we're having!   

Tuesday, 26 November 2013

Sneak Peek!

Scan was great :).  Much better than the 12 week one.  We went to a different place this time and it was so worth it!  Had a really nice guy doing it and we got to see baby in 4D which was awesome.  Little one was super active moving around the entire time so he had to do a fair bit of chasing but apparently everything looked pretty normal which is great :). Only thing he did mention was that the placenta is very low and close to the cervix so I have to go back for another scan around 34 weeks to see if it's moved up out of the way or not.  If it doesn't move then it's likely I'll have to have a c-section.  Fingers crossed that's not the case, but I'm not going to worry about it for now.  Alot of people have told me they had this and theirs moved so hopefully that will be the case with this one too :)  Anyway here's a pic of our little one!

                   

Scout is so smitten :). She doesn't even care if we're having a boy or a girl now.  She's so excited from seeing pictures of our baby.  She keeps looking at them and sending me texts about how cute our baby is :). It's very sweet.  When she got home yesterday she actually cleared a space beside her side of the bed for the cradle lol.  I reminded her that we still have a long way to go before she needs to do that but she was just so excited she couldn't help herself :)  The other exciting thing is that she actually felt baby move the other night so she's finally getting to enjoy that part of things too.

Anyway, we have the envelope here which holds the sex of our baby :). I've held it up to the light but can't see anything.  I accidentally "misplaced" it yesterday thanks to my baby brain but fortunately found it again today.  Not long now till we get to find out what's written inside! 

Sunday, 24 November 2013

Half way

We hit 20 weeks last Tuesday!  And I also had my first person who didn't know me ask me when I was due ... confirmation that I actually look pregnant now and not just fat!  I meant to do a belly shot for the blog but have been slack.  But it has been captured by our friend photographer who we had our first photo session with yesterday ... Bare belly and all!

Over the past two weeks I've started to feel baby fairly consistently.  Lots of rolling over and wriggling around with the occasional kick but all fairly gentle movement.  I had one big boot the other night that actually made me jump but most of the time it's pretty subtle.  Scout is all excited and desperate to feel baby too but will no doubt have to be patient for a couple more weeks I think.  We have our 20 week scan tomorrow morning (we will be 20wks 6 days!).  Looking forward to seeing the little tacker again and finding out if we're having a boy or girl.  Technically we don't want to find out in a dark room with a stranger so we're having a BBQ next weekend to find out with family.  Will be interesting to say the least ;)

Pregnancy wise I think I've been pretty lucky with my run so far although my hayfever has been terrible and making me very tired.  I've mastered sleeping on my side now but my nose and head have been blocked up continuously for about a month now so I'm still not sleeping very well.  My mouth gets so dry at night, my tongue has stuck to the roof of my mouth a few times and I've woken up in a panic not being able to breath.  I also seem to have reverted back to a bit of morning sickness for some weird reason but nothing worth complaining about.  I've bought a few maternity shorts and tops and I've also started using what I refer to as my "boom box".  It sounds a bit coo-kee but I bought a "baby plus" machine that I've been wearing for an hour morning and night that makes different sound patterns for baby to listen to and apparently learn from.  It doesn't sound all that evidence based to me but it was second hand, had good reviews and 'apparently' helps baby be a little calmer once on the outside so I figure it's worth a try if there is any possibility of that!  Scout thought I was crazy at first but she's come around to the idea and now reminds me if I've forgotten to do a session.  At first I thought it was going to drive me nuts cos it's pretty loud and just like repetitive drumming at different speeds, but if I wear it under my clothes or while I'm still in bed under the covers, I hardly notice it.  If nothing else, it does actually make baby very active which it kinda nice.  Not sure if that's baby's way of saying "Not again!  Turn that thing off!" but I like to think of it as a bit of bonding time lol.  

The baby's room is virtually done.  Crazy but true.  We picked up the glider given to us by my brother's friend and it is awesome.  Very flash.  Too flash to be in our house!  Jazz has been rocking out in it.  I'm almost worried she might break it before I get a chance to use it.  She swings so hard I seriously think she could launch herself off it if she wanted to.  The same lady also gave us 3-4 big garbage bags of clothes, sheets, wraps, blankets and baby clothes.  Honestly more than we will ever use.  It was actually a bit overwhelming just sorting through it all.  And another friend dropped of her old pram which I've pulled apart, washed and put back together again.  Scout has rearranged our bedroom now so we can access the door between both rooms, which is kinda cool.  She also spoilt me by getting me a new stereo for my car as my old one died ages ago and I hadn't gotten around to replacing it.  This new one also has bluetooth etc which I've never had before so it's all a bit of a novelty.  

So things have been going great guns for us, but while we've been moving on to new milestones, our friends who have also been TTC are continuing to have a rough ride and we still haven't been able to bring ourselves to tell them we are pregnant.  We have been waiting in hope that they might also get lucky soon but they have just had more heartache and are actually mentally and emotionally in a really bad place at the moment.  They need our support right now, not an announcement, so we are continuing to keep things to ourselves.  They live in a different town and we only see them occasionally so we can get away with phone contact for now but a time will come when we will have to tell them and I am dreading it.  I feel bad about holding out on them but they have been in such a bad way lately I don't want to add to or amplify their pain.  It's difficult.  We don't know what's the right thing to do ... And our heart is breaking for them.  

Anyway ... we are extremely grateful to be where we are at right now and I plan on embracing every moment of this pregnancy because I know how lucky we are to have made it this far.  So fingers crossed all goes well tomorrow and  I'll post again soon, hopefully with some new pics of our little one :)

Thursday, 7 November 2013

We have movement!

I started feeling the baby move this week!  Up until now I've had all sorts of weird feelings down there but they've usually been uncomfortable or painful which is apparently due to all my endo scarring being pulled and stretched.  This is the first time I've felt something that didn't feel like that.  At first it was a bit like a few feather light taps in a certain area, a bit like bubbles popping but now I'm starting to notice bigger movements and occasional jitters in my tummy.  It's usually happens at night when I'm lying down but I'm noticing it more now just when I'm sitting still for any period of time.   Anyway, it's nice to finally have a sign of life in there now.  Makes me feel a lot more connected to baby :)

I'm now 18 weeks!  Some days I think my bump looks like a real baby bump and other days I think it just looks like a big beer gut.  Fortunately the baby belly days are becoming more and more frequent than the beer belly days :). Here's my 16 and 18 week bump shots ...

16 Weeks
18 weeks

I got Scout to take these for me, but apparently a friend of the family who does photography is keen to document the rest of our pregnancy and the birth for us for free, in return for using some of the pics on her website.  Will be interesting to see how that goes!

We've also been offered a gilder / rocker recliner from one of my brothers friends and all their old basinette and cot sheets and mattress protectors which is great.  She had a boy and also wants to give us a bunch of clothes if we end up having one too.  Our 20 week ultrasound is booked for the 25th so it won't be much longer till we find out what we're having!

Apart from all that, my back continues to be 'unhappy' in general.  I also don't have a lot of appetite at the moment which is unusual for me.  I can only eat small meals and don't even feel like snacking (crazy!).  I've also been bad about hydrating.  I just don't feel like drinking but I'm trying hard to make an effort.  Yesterday I ate half a watermelon at work just to try and get some more fluid into me because I just can't stomach drinking much water at the moment for some reason.  I know I'm getting dehydrated and my hay fever is also drying me out at night but I'm finding it hard to stay on top of it.  Anyway ... I'm working on it.

Last Thursday night Charlie also brought a stomach bug home from school (joy!).  She started vomitting in the middle of the night and didn't stop till Friday afternoon.  Then Saturday night both Scout and Jazz started up with it which lasted another 24 hours.  I think I washed my hands about 200 times in that 24 hours and was running around disinfecting everything they touched while they weren't looking lol.  Thankfully it looks like it's paid off cos I haven't gotten it which is pretty lucky be because Scout had it bad and is still recovering now almost a week later!  

Anyway ... I have more to share but I'll never get this post up if I don't do it now.  Will try to post again before our scan!

Tuesday, 22 October 2013

Nesting, baby brain and pissing my pants

16 weeks today :). No change in weight but still have plenty of hip pain going on for some reason and lately even a bit of stabbing pain in the sacrum.  I've started nesting ... already ... which is crazy cos I really don't have the energy for it.  My hay fever has been really bad, so sleep is just not happening with a blocked nose, dehydrated mouth and hips that do not subscribe to side lying, but somehow I'm still wanting to be cleaning and organising the house (?!).  We've been cleaning out cupboards etc and culling crap in general, but in the process we've also set up the girl's old cot in the baby's room, along with a change table, and a rug, cupboard and some shelves all bought on eBay.  There is still a pile of other junk in that room we need to sort through, sell, give to charity etc, but before we get to that I really want to sort out our own bedroom because it's pretty much the most neglected room in the whole house.  Anyway, it's making me tired just thinking about it.  Everything will get done eventually - I need to just chill about it.

Apart from dealing with the hay fever and lack of sleep I've been doing ok.  Work is hard when I'm feeling so tired from lack of sleep and my brain is just not working but I've got a loooong way to go so I need to figure out a way to cope with it.  My belly is growing and my clothing options are getting more limited.  I really need to start taking pictures but I still haven't got my act together yet.  I will ... soon :).  Biggest thing I'm looking forward to over the next few weeks is hopefully feeling some movements - there's heaps of different things I feel down there throughout the days but nothing I think would fit that description.  Worst symptom over the past week or so is actually wetting my pants when I cough.  How bad is that?!  When I haven't even had a baby yet?!!!   Scout thinks it's funny ... But i'm not impressed.  I really need to do something about my pathetic pelvic floor ... NOW.  Anyway ... Time for zzz ... my brain is barely functioning.  Hope everyone else is doing ok x

Sunday, 13 October 2013

All Good :)

I know I've been slack with posting an update but I have just been really really tired.  At night I get home and just crash, so I haven't really had the energy to blog, but the scan which we ended up having at 13 weeks was fine.  Little one is doing everything it should which is great :).  Looking like a real little person now!  Due date based on growth came back as 05/04 but since this is slightly ahead of my original LMP based date (08/04) my mid wife suggested we stick with the 08/04 which is fine by me.  My first midwife appointment was last week and seemed pretty straight forward.  Lots of questions, gave me an pile of info booklets etc and talked about birthing and breast feeding classes they have at the hospital we will be delivering at.  We're keen to do the breast feeding class when we get closer to the due date but I'm not so sure about the birthing classes.  They're obviously going to be full of hetero couples and I'm just not sure it's something either of us are keen on putting ourselves through.  Scout never did birthing classes when she was pregnant with the girls and doesn't think it's necessary so I think we might skip it.  I don't know if anyone else has any thoughts on this?  Anyway ... Here's the pic from our scan.  They only gave me one and it's a bit fuzzy so we've decided to go somewhere else for the 20 week scan.

                     

Just before the scan I told a few of the people I work with that I was pregnant and then told management not long after, so now the news is pretty much all out there.  It's still filtering around to some but most people know and have been really excited for us :). 

Apart from being crazy tired, the morning sickness started to ease off around 12 weeks and can still come and go but it's nowhere near as constant or intense so I feel pretty lucky.  I'm starting to get more heart burn than anything now.  I've also had some weird pains in my tummy.  A few incidents of what I'm assuming was round ligament pain - mostly on the right but occasionally on the left.  I thought this didn't come till later but I'm discovering most things I've heard others talk about are turning out to be slightly different than I expected!  I had two nights of really bad pain at my pubic bone a week or two back which had me struggling to even get out of bed or roll over or anything, but fortunately that's disappeared now and moved on to nightly back and hip pain which is fortunately a bit more manageable.  Sneezing and coughing has been VERY painful when lying down for some time now and I have to tuck my legs up to avoid it.  Because it's spring, my hay fever has kicked in so I'm having to assume this 'tuck' position alot at night.

My tummy is expanding and I've been wearing maternity jeans to work.  Scout's had me coco-buttering my boobs, belly and butt every morning pretty much since we found out we were pregnant so my skin feels pretty good but it'll be interesting to see how it goes once this baby really starts pushing the boundaries!  It feels tight in there but I've still got plenty of soft chub on the outside :). I've not been eating the best I must confess, but I think it's had a lot to do with how tired I've been.  It's just been hard to be organised with meals.  I'm also often eating to try and feel better but I've discovered this doesn't always help.  So, so far I've put on 2.5 kg (almost 6 pounds?).  Will be interesting to see what happens to that number over the next couple of months!  
The girls are now back from holidays and we are back into the old routine with school etc.  It's a hard push at night after work to get everything done especially when I'm tired but I'm hanging in there.  Last weekend before they got back we decided to relocate Charlie into the spare room so we can make her old room into the baby's room.  It has an adjoining door to our room which we've previously just blocked off with a cupboard on our side and Charlie's bed on the other, but now it makes sense to set that room up as a nursery so we spent a lot of time reorganising things to make what was previously the spare room work for Charlie and it's turned out pretty good.  Now we just need to sort out the rest of the house and start collecting some of the stuff we'll need for baby :).  Anyway, lots to do but thankfully we still have plenty of time to do it all.  I'll keep you posted ... hopefully more often now that I'm in the second trimester!  

Tuesday, 24 September 2013

12 weeks 5 days

Not feeling nauseous quite as often now which is good ... but still feeling pretty tired and am starting to get headaches.   I'm now pessary free :). After the first week at half the dose my progesterone came in at 95 and after the second week with no pessaries at all it was 107 so I was pretty happy with that.  For the most part things seem to be going really well and while I'm feeling pretty positive, I have to say I'm starting to get alittle nervous in the lead up to my scan in a couple of days.  I caught up with a friend the other day to tell her I was pregnant and she then told me she had just had a miscarriage.   I felt terrible.  I didn't know she was pregnant or even trying, so talk about bad timing for me to be rocking up to tell her our news after what she's just been through.  She was happy for me but I felt pretty bad.  And she found out about the miscarriage at her 12 week scan so now I'm feeling a bit uneasy knowing my own scan is coming up.  I just need to try and stay positive and wait and see.  I told my dad our news last weekend and his response was a bit flat.  I think he was in a bit of shock since he didn't know we'd been trying  ... who knows what he was thinking.  I also told a few of the other girls I work with and fortunately they gave me a much better reception :). If all goes well with the scan then I'll be telling my supervisor and pretty much everyone will know after that.  

Our girls have been away visiting their dad for the holidays so Scout and I have been enjoying having some time to ourselves.  We took them away to Phillip Island for a weekend before they left and this past weekend we went away with Scout's parents to Acheron - they have a caravan and we took our camper.  We just hung out and did a bit of fishing which was nice.  Wasn't so great having to get up in the freezing cold and stumble through the caravan park to go to the toilet all the time at night but the rest of it was good lol.  Not sure what we will do next weekend, but it will be our last one before the girls come home so we'll be making the most of it ;). Anyway ... will post again after our scan. 

Sunday, 8 September 2013

Bloated

Over the past two weeks my belly has blown up like a balloon!  I'm blaming the progesterone, but it doesn't seem to be making any difference that I'm now no longer on the stuff.  I'm not ready to tell people at work I'm pregnant ... but I'm sure people must be wondering given all this bloating is making me look alot further down the track than I really am.  My pants are uncomfortable and my shirts are riding up, even though all I'm housing at is a little Brazil nut!  Crazy.  

The morning, noon and night sickness continues.  Mornings are the worst ... It starts around 6am and doesn't ease up until about 10.  Apples help ... but not always.  Some days I find myself gripping my desk at work just trying to hang in there, wondering how the heck I'm going to get through the rest of the day.  Thankfully it usually subsides and is only off and on the rest of the day but I've had the odd occasion where it's hung around all day.  Anyway ... I'm taking it all as a good sign.  I'll be 10 weeks tomorrow!  Can't believe it :)

This past week we told Scout's mums side of the family and over the next few days we'll be telling her dad's side as well.  It's a bit difficult with the girls around because we don't plan on telling them till after the first trimester.  As nice as it would be to tell them right now ... they've been disappointed before so I'd rather wait till I feel alittle bit safer than I do right now.  The less time they have to wait between finding out a baby is coming and having that baby arrive, the better.  9 months is a looooong time to wait when you're 6 ;).  Jazzy's behaviour has also been pretty bad lately so we need to keep the focus on dealing with that right now anyway.  I'll post about this later ... but let's just say her teacher has had to have words with us on two occassions over the past 3 days of school.  Joy.  Anyway ... apart from that, things are good :)

Thursday, 29 August 2013

Yes Sir, that's my baby!

Had our second scan today and the difference is amazing!  In just two weeks our little blob has quadrupled in sized and is now actually starting to take on the shape of a baby with little buds starting to show for arms and legs :). Today marks 8 weeks 2 days and our little one is measuring 8 weeks 3 days.

                   

Scout got a much better view of the screen than me and could actually see it wriggle it's little butt!  The heart rate was 175 bpm and Scout was not impressed lol.  She's a big believer in heart rate being predictive of gender and I've tried to tell her the heart rate will change over time but of course she can't help herself.  Anyway, old wives tales aside, I'm just glad there IS a heart beat and it's a good one at that :).  After the scan we had a discussion about the progesterone.  My FS wants to start weening me off it.  I'm nervous about it.   Really - I know it's not that big a deal because it was a frozen embryo transfer so I ovulated and there's a corpus luteum in there doing it's thing but it's taken a lot of embryos to finally get one to stick and I feel like the progesterone pessaries had something to do with that.  Anyway ... Starting tonight I will be skipping pessaries every second day and I'll go in for a blood test next week to make sure the levels are still ok.  If they are, then I'll stop the pessaries all together and have another blood test a week later just to make sure things are still fine.  If I spot (which I better not!) then I'll have to recommence the pessaries again.  So at this point I'm hoping this weening process goes off without a hitch and then we can officially graduate from my IVF clinic and specialist :). I have to book in with my GP now to get the ball rolling with the testing that needs to be done between 10-12 weeks and we have our first midwife appointment at 14 weeks.  

Up until now I've been pretty reserved but since the scan today it's finally starting to sink in that we are actually pregnant and all going well we're going to have a baby!  You would think with all the nausea and fatigue that would have sunk in by now but it hadn't really.  I guess I just needed to see some evidence of something that remotely resembled a baby ... and we have that now :).  Crazy!!  Anyway, I'm ridiculously tired and need to hit the hay.  For some reason I'm not sleeping very well and have been waking up at 12am to pee and then tossing and turning and peeing till 4am before I finally fall asleep again.  It's been exhausting ... especially when I need to get up at 6.30am for work.   So I'm really hoping I get some sleep tonight cause I NEED IT.  More Zzzzzzz please!

Friday, 23 August 2013

Sharing with others

We've had an interesting week.  Last Sunday (3 days after our 6 week scan) we had a visit from our friends who have also been TTC for the past 2 years.  We haven't seen or talked to them in awhile and were hoping their visit was to tell us they were well on their way through a pregnancy but unfortunately that wasn't the case.  They have had numerous miscarriages and the latest has pretty much taken them to the limits of what they can bare.  I am devastated for them and all the heartache they've been through.   In a last ditch effort they have decided to try one more time and switch who will carry.  We are hoping and praying it will make the difference for them because they have seriously been through enough.   Although it's fortunate that they do have the option of switching who will carry, it was clearly a painful decision to make.  To go through so much that you finally reach a point where you choose to accept that your body cannot and will not carry a baby is huge.  I really feel for them.  Needless to say we did not share our news with them and if our little one does go the distance, it will be hard to tell them.  I know they will be happy for us, but I also know that any happiness for us will be mixed with a lot of sadness for them.   

My mum also came to visit this week.  At first she sounded like she was just going to pop in for a quick hello and I kinda cracked it with her over the phone.  We hardly get to see her so I wanted to be able to spend a bit of time with her while she was in town and I also wanted her to spend time with Scout and the girls too.  Popping in one evening on a weekday to say hi when she's spent days hanging out with her partners friends is not good enough, so being my overly emotional pregnant self, I had a bit of an angry rant which turned into tears on the phone.   Fortunately that was enough to get her to change her plans and spend some time with us but I was disappointed that it took a mini meltdown on the phone to get her to check her priorities.  Anyway we told her our news on the second day she was with us.  I kinda chickened out on the first day.  If she'd known we were trying it would have been easier but it felt a bit like coming-out to some extent about TTC!  Needless to say she was pretty shocked.  I think she had long given up on me ever giving her a grandchild (apart from the girls that is), so it took her a little bit to process it all but in the end she seemed genuinely happy for us.  She also mentioned in the conversations that followed that she actually went through menopause at 41 which I wasn't aware of.  So I guess it's not surprising my egg quality is as shit as it is given I'm potentially 2 years away from that myself.  Scary.  

Anyway ... We are now 7 weeks 5 days, and our second scan is just a few days away.  Fingers crossed everything is still going fine in there.  I am now pretty much nauseous on and off all day, every day.  It's unpleasant but I'm not about to complain.  What I feel like I can handle eating one day, is no good the next.  I haven't puked yet but I've come close.  Scout's been waiting for the day it finally happens.  Yesterday she told me she's a sympathetic chucker so she won't be able to hold my hair when my head's in the toilet bowl but she'll be right there with me 'in spirit' lol.  She makes me laugh.  I feel very lucky to be going through this with a female partner who knows what it's like.  She is constantly looking for ways to look after me or make me feel better, like having hard lollies for me to suck on when I suddenly get sick in the car :).  She came home with donuts the other day thinking I would be all over them since she ate donuts a lot when she was pregnant, but unfortunately my stomach was not up for it.  She was so disappointed that her little plan to surprise me had backfired.  We also had a look at some maternity pants not long ago that she wanted me to buy but I said no cos I didn't need them yet.  She pretty much told me "That's fine, I'll just buy them for you when you're not looking and hide them in the cupboard till the day you are standing in front of the mirror crying that you have nothing to wear and then I'll look good when I whip them out and make your day" lol.  She's the best.  I am so lucky to have her :). Anyway thanks everyone who commented on our scan pic the other week. I'll post again after our next scan on Thursday.  

Thursday, 15 August 2013

We have a blob!!!

We were very nervous and excited about the scan today ... and thankfully it went great :).  Our little one is measuring right on track at 6 weeks 2 days and had a heart rate of 114 bpm!   Amazing to see it flashing away on the screen and then to hear it :). We are just over the moon and so happy to know that everything is just as it should be at this point.  I'm feeling pretty good, probably because I'm on a bit of a high from the scan!  The cramps seem to have eased off a bit lately which is nice.  So my only real symptoms at the moment are sore boobs, fatigue and occasional sickly feeling if I've gone too long without eating.   Our next scan is in another 2 weeks and all going well, we'll be off to join the public queue of pregnant women after that :)  Next week my mum will be visiting us for a day or so.  She lives in Queensland and I haven't seen her for over 18 mths.  I'm not sure when we will be seeing her again so we plan on telling her our news while she's here.  She doesn't even know we've been TTC so who knows how she'll react but hopefully it will be positive.  I'm sure it will be.  We will probably wait till around the 10 week mark to tell the girls and the rest of the family.  It's been hard keeping it from the girls cos we know how excited they will be ... But it's only another month to wait which will no doubt go quickly :).  Anyway ... Here's the pics from the scan today.  It doesn't look like much but that fuzzy blob is the beginnings of our baby!

                 

Saturday, 10 August 2013

No news is good news :)

5 weeks 4 days and still pregnant :). The cramping continues on and off most days and I've had a few nights now where it's been bad enough to wake me up.  When this happens it usually coincides with a rush to the toilet.  This is not typical for me at all but I guess this is what pregnancy is going to be like for me.  Scout is worried about all the cramping but for the most part I'm still trying tell myself this is just all part of the process.  I feel a lot like I've got my period but AF continues to stay away, much to my amazement.  This week has been busy and I've been tired.  Last weekend we had lots of family things on and Tuesday we had Jasmine's birthday.  She turned 6 and has been a real little miss in the lead up to it.  Her bad behaviour peaked on her birthday with her teacher telling us she had been talking over the top of other kids, was caught kicking someone (!) while lining up and apparently told her PE teacher that "she could do whatever she wanted because it was her birthday" ... Hmmm.  Seriously ... We don't talk like that in our house and that kind of behaviour is completely unexceptable. We made her apologise to her teacher the next day and write a letter of apology to her PE teacher.  Since then she's been a bit better.  Today we had her party and this is the first time we've done one at home with other school friends.  Scout says it's also the last time lol.  The kids were fine (we kept it small and it was only for two hours) but two of the kids dad's also decided to hang around for the whole thing and one was a bit of a jerk.  Anyway ... We survived :).  Here's the birthday cake I did for Jazz ...

                        

Tomorrow we have to do it all over again with family which should be fine.  I'm just worried I'll be tired and people will hang around which usually happens.  We aren't planning on telling anyone we're pregnant for a little while yet so I can't exactly excuse myself to go lie down.  I'm just going to have to do my best to stay off my feet when I can and thankfully I have a wonderful wife who will make sure I do.  Scout has been amazing this week getting the house and yard all cleaned up and even cooked a few extra meals for the girls so I didn't have to cook when I got home from work.  She's the best!  Anyway, I'll be glad when this weekend is over and we can both just relax a bit.   Our scan is next Thursday, so not much longer till we find out if everything is on track in there.  I'm trying not to think too much about it or get too attached to the idea of being pregnant just yet.  The cramping is probably making me feel alittle cautious but for the most part I'm pretty positive and obviously hoping for the best on Thursday.    

Friday, 2 August 2013

Let the games begin!

It's finally starting to sink in that we are actually pregnant.  Had to POAS just for the hell of it Thursday night just to know it was actually real, they didn't mixed up my tube of blood with someone elses and my piss can actually produce two lines!
I know it looks just like all the other ones people post but the difference here is ...
it's sitting on MY kitchen bench ;). 
I have to say I'm a bit surprised at just how quickly this little pip is starting to take control of my body.  I honestly wasn't expecting too many major symptoms for another couple of weeks but it's been pretty much immediate.  Before I even knew we were pregnant I was having waves of nausea, fatigue and back pain and by my AF due date I was getting diarrhea!  I was telling myself it was all the progesterone but we now know it was alittle more than that :).  Thursday night I went to sleep early and got woken up by stomach cramps at 11.30pm.  These cramps have been on and off pretty much since around implantation time and haven't gone away.  I got up to go to the toilet (because sometimes these cramps seem to be bowel related) and proceeded to become really nauseous and faint to the point where I needed to lie down again before I passed out.  After that I couldn't get back to sleep and tossed and turned till 4.30am.  Just as well I'd arranged to have Friday off work as well because I woke up exhausted.  Crazy ... and we're barely even into this pregnancy so I'm thinking I might be in for a bit of a ride!  Scout has been a little concerned about the cramping I keep having and was worried that my FS has cut my progesterone back to only one 400mg pessary a day now.  But my progesterone was 97 at the last test and from what I've read, plenty of women have cramping throughout their first trimester as their uterus grows ... so as long as I don't spot, I'm not going to let it bother me.  

Another thing that's surprised me is that I already need to book in for an appointment with a hospital antenatal clinic!  I thought we wouldn't have to worry about this till some time after the scan but they've pretty much told us we need to get on it right now.  Scout wasn't surprised since she's a veteran, but I was and the thought of it was actually alittle bit overwhelming to be honest.  I don't know why but having to suddenly make a decision about where to deliver when we've only just found out we're pregnant felt like a bit of pressure!  I know I've probably read blogs of others where this was mentioned but clearly I hadn't understood the gravity of how closely 'finding out' and 'having to decide' coincided!  We are pretty much booked out with family commitments for the next two weeks so finding time to visit hospitals is pretty much impossible.  Fortunately Scout is very sensible about this stuff so we've decided on a hospital without visiting it - just based on the fact that it will be able to handle any complications that might come up and it's located conviniently enough to family who will need to help out with looking after the girls.  We can always change our minds later if our first appointment goes badly but I think it'll be fine.

Anyway ... We have big day ahead if us today so I need to get a wriggle on.  Jazzy's birthday is next week so we have presents to by, need to get to the party shop for supplies and then have a family dinner to go to tonight.  I also want to get to the shops to buy a big fat tub of prenatal vitamins so I can ditch these "pre-conception" tablets I feel like I've been taking for forever!

Thursday, 1 August 2013

In Shock

We are pregnant!!! Can't freaking believe it!  We discussed testing this morning but decided against it, so when we went in to get the blood test done we had no idea what to expect.  We were parked in the car this afternoon with my phone on speaker when the nurse told us the results.  Scout literally jumped out of her seat and yelled "What?!!  You're kidding!  It's positive?  No way!  Oh my god!".  She ran around to my side of the car and started hugging me.  I just burst into tears and started crying into the phone.  Poor nurse was laughing at how shocked we were.  We were just completely blind-sided by the result.  HCG was 325!  I don't even have to go back for a second test.  All these faux symptoms I thought I was having were actually the real deal.  Can not believe it.  Feel truly blessed to finally get a BFP.  I was starting to doubt my body could do it ... but it did :). Our scan is booked for 15th Aug and we are looking forward to seeing what exactly is in there!  Has been the best day ever ... And Scout just got back from the shops with a big bunch of flowers for me :).   I feel like the luckiest lady on the planet!

Wednesday, 31 July 2013

Last day of waiting ... for now.

Today is 13dp2dt.  Still haven't touched the sticks and am starting to feel sick about what the outcome will be tomorrow.  My stress and anxiety is back and the progesterone is not helping.  All weekend I felt like my body wanted to bleed and the progesterone was the only thing keeping that from happening.  Since then I've been cramping on and off but nowhere near as bad.

Anyway ... I forgot to post the Liebster questions for those I nominated the other day.  So here they are  :)
1.  Favourite thing/toy when you were a kid.
2.  First job you ever had.
3.  What type of music you're into
4.  Favourite piece of clothing and why
5.  Something you can't bare to throw out.
6.  A guilty pleasure.
7.  Favourite TV series
8.  A feature, trait or habit you inherited from your parents
9.  Something you'd like to be better at.
10.  If you we're to donate a lot of money to a charity, which would it be?
11.  If you could go back in time to visit another decade or era, which would you choose?
.  

Saturday, 27 July 2013

Liebsters and the TWW


We are now at 10dp2dt.  Technically I could probably start testing but I've decided to stay away from the sticks this time.  I just can't handle day after day of BFNs so we are waiting till OTD.  To be honest I'm not finding it all that hard to resist temptation with the sticks now thanks to my POAS aversion.  Sure it would be nice to know right now if we've got a BFP but I'm just not ready for another BFN.  Beta is due on Thursday.  Normally I get the blood test done before work and get the results in the afternoon while I'm still at work, which I hate.  It's crap getting your results at work when it's negative ... trying to hold your shit together meanwhile your pretty much imploding.  I'm not doing that again.  So both of us have organised to take both the Thursday and Friday off work so we go in for the blood test together, get the results together and have a long weekend together to deal with the results.   I feel good about this plan ... I feel relieved.  And there is no way I'm letting some stick get the better of me while I still have another 3 days of work to get through.  My period is due Monday but given how much progesterone I'm on at the moment I don't expect to bleed till I stop taking it.  So ... We'll just wait and see how we go.

Also I'd like to give a big thank-you to B&C at 'Our Journey to Become Mummies', Nell B at 'Four Completes The Set' and Lexi and Sarah at 'Our Baby Making Journey' who each nominated me for a Liebster award :)  Liebster's are all about giving recognition to small bloggers (200 followers or less).  It's also a great way to find new blogs to read ;).  And to find out that others actually read yours!

The rules:
1. Thank the Liebster Blog presenter who nominated you and link back to their blog.
2. Post 11 facts about yourself, answering the 11 questions you were asked and create 11 questions for your nominees.
3. Nominate 11 blogs who you feel deserve to be noticed and leave a comment on their blog letting them know they have been chosen.
4. Display the Liebster Award logo.
5. No tag backs meaning you can’t just re nominate the person who nominated you.
                  
My answers to their questions (I've picked a few from each so I've actually answered 12 in total):
FromB&C:
1.  Most embarrassing moment from your high school years?  The worst is actually from primary school.  I got my period at after school care.  I actually thought I'd shit myself.  I had no idea what it was.
2.  If you had to move to another country, where would you move?  Norway.  I spent a year working there as a nanny when I was younger and always thought it was a great place to raise a family.  They are just a really healthy nation and are all about the great outdoors and nature so I think my little family would love it :)
3.  City or nature person?  Nature.  I love living in the country and wouldn't trade it but I also enjoy having a city just 90mins away :)
4.  If you had to change careers, what would you pick?  I'd do horticulture and be an arborist or a landscape architect.  I like getting my hands dirty ... and plants are rarely a pain in the arse (unless they're a weed!).  
From Nell B:  
1.  What is your greatest fear?  Losing my family - not that this will ever happen but I couldn't live without Scout and the girls.
2. What is your greatest accomplishment?  Overcoming my driving phobia.  Sounds silly but I would get anxiety and start crying whenever I had to get behind a wheel.  When I was 27 I bit the bullet and forced myself to learn to drive without freaking out.  I now drive without issue but I think I'll always be a bit of a "granny driver".
3.  What public behaviours do you find the most offensive?  Spitting ... It's just disgusting.
4.  What is your favourite quote or saying?  It's actually a gesture ... that means "fuck knows".  I can't find a picture of the gesture itself but it involves my thumb and forefinger encircling my nose.  I do it almost unconsciously when I don't know the answer to something.  It's a habit from my Queensland days.
From Lexi and Sarah:
1.  Sweet or salty?  Salty ... But then I need to follow it up with something sweet!
2.  Describe yourself when you were 18.  A goodie-two-shoes virgin who still hadn't come out of the closet.
3.  Favorite season:  Spring :). The start of a new cycle of life in nature.  I love all the baby lambs in the fields and the new ducklings in the ponds and the shoots and buds starting to grow back on all the trees.  It's just plain makes makes me happy.
4.  Do you own any pets?  We have a lab retriever named 'Anikan', a fluffy ginger and white cat named 'Merkin', a very large grey rabbit name 'Bella', a turtle shell coloured guinea pig named 'Sprinkles', some fish and an axolotil named 'Oscar'.

As for nominations ... This is hard cos I can't nominate those who nominated me and lots of people I follow have already been nominated.  I have also been slack about expanding my blog roll this year so I can't come up with 11, but here are a few I'd like to acknowledge :)
1.  My TTC Obstacle Course - Genuine, funny and the writer has always been supportive of me in my own TTC journey.
2.  Non Fat Caramel Lesbian Does Baby Making - A success story by another supportive blogger who's had her ups and downs.
3.  Lezbemoms - 2 superhero mums who have been juggling 5 kids and are in the TTC game again!
4.  2AussieMammas - One alittle closer to home who is a regular poster of cute pics.
5.  Thoughts of Babies -  They are finally pregnant after a rough trott and it's TWINS!
6.  Hope is something you pee on - A blog about resiliance and sacrifice when TTC against all odds.  Plus I just love the name.
7.  Wigand Writes - Two mums with a little lady and now another on the way!
8.  Two Mummies Want a Baby - Two mums who've had a rough time so far TTC

Wednesday, 24 July 2013

Progesterone Mind Games

Had another blood test and my progesterone is now at a very respectable 61.  FS wants me to stick with the 400mg pessaries twice daily which I'm ok with.  It's not as messy as the crinone and I don't smell all hormoney like I did when I was on that.  It does cost a bit ... but I guess time will tell if it's been worth it.  The high doses have me loaded up with progesterone symptoms which I am trying to ignore.  Seriously messes with my head.  I am currently 6dp2dt.  If our little embies are gonna stick, this is the time.

Sunday, 21 July 2013

Post 101

Who knew I'd still be TTC after this many posts?  Crazy ... or at least I think that's what I might be starting to become!  We took the girls to see 'Despicable Me 2' last night at the movies and now the girls are minion crazy so this morning we decided to make some out of balloons and toilet rolls.  I was coping ok right up until the balloon for Jazz's purple minion kept leaking and every replacement I made kept popping.  I could feel my agitation growing but instead of taking a break I just kept going because I wanted to get the last one finished.  Anyway long story short, the balloons were old and not being my friend and when the last one exploded so did I.  Bloody balloons.  Scout had to send me to bed where I proceeded to burst into tears.  Seriously felt like I was having an anxiety attack lying there in bed ... all over a bit of arts and crafts with the kids!  Crazy hormones ... Anyway hopefully they're doing whatever they're suppose to be doing.   Here's a pic of the girls with their finished Minions, thanks to Scout :).   The purple one's look a bit like me in an IVF cycle ...

                     

Thursday, 18 July 2013

Embies 8 & 9 deployed

Transfer was a little painful and I've had a bit of spotting since.  My cervix must be starting to narrow again.  The good news is 8 & 9 thawed beautifully and were apparently multiplying and dividing again at 5 and 7 cells.  Scout was with me for the transfer.  Earlier in the week it was looking like she might not be able to make it but she did :). We had to drive there separately and the traffic was a nightmare.  They always ask me to get there 30mins before the appointment time to sign paperwork (which takes 2mins) and then my FS didn't show up till 30mins after when the appointment was suppose to be, so essentially we were waiting around for nearly an hour for the transfer after stressing in traffic for 70mins!  I had bloods taken and they rang me this afternoon to say my progesterone was 15 which is apparently little low, so they've put me on 400mg pessaries twice daily.   The Crinone gel I was previously on was only 90mg daily and I was pretty bad on that so I suspect Scout is in for a rough ride over the next 2 weeks.  Fingers crossed it makes a difference.  Beta is due Aug 1.

                       
 


Monday, 15 July 2013

Surging hormones

I've started and then deleted a number of posts over the last week and I'm putting it all down to hormones making me alittle crazy.  I'm in a natural cycle without all the drugs I'm usually on, but for some reason I am coping worse this cycle than ever before.  My anxiety has been through the roof over the last 24 hours to the point where I feel like I'm already grieving a BFN and we haven't even gotten to transfer yet.  I've been freaking out about my surge being delayed, angry that I feel like I'm floating along in this cycle on my own without any FS running the show and this morning I pretty much burst into tears because the nurse couldn't answer my question about what drugs I needed to pick up for luteal phase support.  Thankfully my bloods from this morning confirmed a surge and I've managed to pull myself together enough to realise it's the rising hormones that's got me over-reacting about literally everything.  I seriously don't ever recall being this emotional around ovulation.  I'm fed up with my clinic, my FS and all my repeated failures at this IVF crap.  I'm also angry with myself for not demanding more from these people and putting up with such little progress in treatment to date.  I was  so traumatised by that last BFN.  It took me a long time to even think about doing IVF again without crying and now I feel like I'm experiencing some kind of Pavlovian response from being in a cycle again.  Essentially I'm a bit of a basket case at the moment ... but apparently I'm good to go for a transfer this Thursday.  AND shock horror, my FS is actually requesting more bloods post transfer to monitor my progesterone levels this time.  I am praying for her to give me something ... ANYTHING different to do to get through this cycle.  

Saturday, 6 July 2013

Hope and putting it out there

We are now in our 5th IVF cycle, doing a natural thaw to put back the last of our embies.  Today is day 6.  I start using OPKs on Tuesday (just to make sure I don't miss an early ovulation) and have a scan on Wednesday (day 10) to make sure my uterus and ovaries and doing the right thing.  My last few cycles have been super short probably because of the weight loss / diet and exercise so I've been backing off on both for the last 2 weeks.  This last period was the shortest I've ever had.  I'm hoping this is a good thing and not a sign of pre-menopause (which would be just fucking dandy).  My clinic has been in fine form needing to be chased to do their job again.  First I had to chase up the admin people about confirming the cost of the cycle, then I needed to chase the nurse to get orders for the cycle from my FS, then I had to chase my FS's receptionist about getting back to me with an appointment for a scan with another FS since Dr P will be on holidays for the first half of my cycle.  It never ceases to amaze me how much I am paying for such a rediculously disorganised service.   Fortunately at this point I am relatively indifferent about the whole thing.  I just want to get this cycle out of the way so we can move on to greener pastures.  Our new specialist sounds awesome and I can't wait to meet her on 13th August.  I am looking forward to being tested for everything under the sun so we can be clear there isn't anything else we should be addressing ... which I suspect there is.  My current FS has been reluctant to do further tests re: immune issues etc until I've had at least 8 embryos fail to implant.  Given I've had 7 fail and if/when the next 2 follow suit we will be up to 9 ... I think we've wasted more than enough time, money and eggs/embryos meeting this rediculous criteria.  I just want to be tested and want to try something new.

Fertility crap aside, everyone in our house has been sick with the flu and I have been lucky last to finally get it so I have had the last few days off work and am resting up to try and get over it before we get to transfer.  The girls have been on holidays, so Scout has been working a lot on weekends and at night to keep all the balls in the air.  As much as we have been trying to save in preparation for the next few rounds of IVF, we have had too many other random expenses come up lately to make much headway.  It basically comes down to hoping we get a kick arse tax return which I think we will get given how much money we spent over the last 12 months on medical/IVF expenses.  Fingers crossed that's how it plays out anyway.

Apart from that I don't have much else worth sharing right now from my own little world. Too be honest, after hearing the news that Lex from CrazyLesbianMum is currently fighting the fight of her life right after being diagnosed with cancer in both her colon and liver ... our day to day issues at home and with TTC just feel small and irrelevant and hardly worth mentioning.  I am so shocked, saddened and just plain devastated for this woman and what's happened to her and I don't even know her.  I can't imagine what her and her family must be going through right now.  I just wish and hope the prayers of the collective of people behind her give her the hope, strength, and healing she needs to both fight and win this battle.  I feel frustrated that as human beings, we can't give the gift of healing to someone by simply wishing it for them.  I feel frustrated that diseases like this still exist in this world and continue to randomly steal away the lives of people we love and care about.  It's just.not.fair.  So for Lex and the two other people I cared about who are currently facing a similar situation, I am thinking you and I hope and pray that someone upstairs offers up the miracles I know each of you could do with right about now x

Tuesday, 18 June 2013

Better late than never?

I know I promised photos a while ago now.  It's taken me ages to get around to pulling them off my phone/pad to upload them but today I finally did!  We have a bit of a digital photo disaster going on in our house at the moment.  There are so many and they are captured and stored on so many different devices it's a bit of a nightmare trying to pull them all together sometimes.  But today I managed to at least sort the photos from our fishing trip so I'll post a few on here.  As for the million other photos ...  I really need to sit down and spend a few hours or (more likely days!) cleaning them up sometime.  But who has time for that?!

Over the past few months Scout's business has started to take off and we are both constantly chasing our tails trying to adjust to us both working now.  Suddenly just staying on top of washing, cleaning and grocery shopping is challenging.  The girls are spending more time in after school care now so they aren't getting picked up till I finish work and it's a push to get them home, bathed, dinner cooked, fed, homework done and into bed all in the space of an hour or so.   I feel bad that the girls are missing out on free time at home now after school and because it's winter they are getting home in the dark, but they have been relatively good about it so I'm grateful for that.  Scout and I are still trying to lose weight although some days it feels like all our efforts are in vain.  Since we are so busy with work we are having to exercise at home at night after the girls go to bed and it's really the last thing I want to do after working all day but I am doing my best to stick at it. We have both lost around 10 kilos now.  I was hoping for a few more off by this point but in hindsight that was probably a little unrealistic of me.  I start my next IVF cycle in 2 weeks so I will have to back off a bit during that and just hope and pray the weight doesn't all come back again with the drugs.

Yesterday I turned 39 and as much as I was not looking forward to this birthday, I've been so spoilt it's actually been a really lovely birthday.  Scout has been working most weekends lately so I hadn't expected to be doing much but she surprised me with an overnight stay down the coast kid free ;).  It was so lovely.  I took the girls to swimming lessons Saturday morning while Scout was supposedly getting ready for work.  She called me just as their lesson ended asking me to come home in a hurry because her car had a flat battery and she needed to get to work.  I raced home and was getting the jumper leads out to jump her car when she called me inside and confessed that she had lied about her car because she wanted me to come straight home.  She told me to pack a bag because she was taking me away for a night :). We dropped the girls off at Scouts mums place and then drove for about 2 hours to a little getaway down the coast.  Scout had rented us a little log cabin near the beach.  When we walked in, I could see the table had been set for us and in the kitchen there was a yummy beef burgundy bubbling away in a slow cooker ready for us to eat!  It was wonderful!  We enjoyed the open fireplace and spa and watched a movie and drank wine and just relaxed.  We had a late check out the next day and didn't have to pick up the girls till that evening.  Then we both took the day off work yesterday for my actual birthday and just hung out together while the girls were at school.  It was nice to just spend time together on our own for a bit ... right up until the school rang and told us Charlie had hurt her neck, was bleeding and needed to be picked up.  By the time we got there Jazz was also in the sick bay having just had her two bottom teeth ripped out in a separate incident!  So we spent the rest of the afternoon and evening dealing with that but I am glad to report both are ok now.  Jazz got $2 from the tooth fairy over night and Charlie had today day off school to rest.  Her neck is badly grazed but she'll live.  The joys of accident prone children!  

Anyway ... I will leave you with some pics as promised and will hopefully blog again soon when we start our next cycle.   I really don't want to have to spend all of 39 TTC so lets hope we have one either on the way or here by this time next year!

Fishing in the early morning just outside Mallacoota  
This emu would not leave Scout alone!
Having a nap in the afternoon by Wallagaraugh river.
Narooma - one of our favourite places :)
Low tide at Durras North
Our best day fishing at Tuross Head
Sunset at Batemans Bay
The girls at Howqua
Charlie on the kayak with Grandad
My birthday getaway :)

Wednesday, 1 May 2013

Slack

I have been a bad blogger :( But I'm hoping it's a good sign! My brain has been processing a lot of things other than baby making which is good. I was getting so depressed by the whole IVF thing that I really needed a decent break. The small breaks inbetween cycles didn't really cut it. I was still trying to be good with foods and supplements and not drinking alcohol or coffee or anything with artificial sweeteners. I was always wondering if maybe I was pregnant even though I'd gotten a BFN, and was too scared to stop everything 'just in case'. But deciding to take 4 months off has let me finally switch my brain off and stop everything which has been the best thing I could have done. I just feel ... relieved, and more myself again. To be honest... I was that fragile after the last BFN I wouldn't have coped with trying again. I got teary everytime I even thought about it and it's only in the last few weeks that I haven't felt that. It helped a lot that Scout and I could get away for 2 weeks on our own while the girls were away.

Our fishing trip involved a lot fishing but not so much fish lol. We did have one really good afternoon at a little place called Tuross where we had fish literally jumping on the line but everywhere else was fairly average. Out of the whole trip we only kept and ate two flathead. The rest we tossed back. We both just enjoyed having time together, getting out on the boat and visiting new places. As nice as it was, it was good to get home to a real bed though. We only spent one night in a cabin and the rest was spent in a tent or the back of the car so our bodies were crying out for a decent mattress!

Now that the girls are home and I'm back at work it's been a bit of an adjustment getting back into the swing of things. We went away for a long weekend in Howqua with the girls and Scout's parents which was fun (more fishing! and a bit of mini golf ;). Scout and I have also starting trying to lose weight (a personal goal rather than a baby making one). We've both put on a bit of weight over the past 12 mths so we've decided it's time to get serious and do something about it. So far I've lost 6 kilos and Scout has lost 7! We both have at least another 10 to go. I feel pretty confident we can do it ... Especially since I'm not doing IVF again until July. The real challenge will be figuring out how to keep it off when I do start IVF again cos it seriously makes me both fat and depressed.

The only TTC thing I am still doing at this point is keeping up my reflexology sessions which I figure is good for managing work stress. My reflexologist is alittle puzzled as to why I'm still not pregnant and has encouraged me to try another clinic which we have been looking into anyway. I have chosen a new specialist and made an appointment with her for the 13th August. I picked this date as it will be approx a week after the beta for our last planned FET with our current clinic. As negative as it sounds to be expecting a BFN I can't see any reason why this next cycle will be any different from the others. We need to plan for this next step and I am actually looking forward to changing things up a bit - including getting a new donor.

Anyway ... I have heaps of pics I want to post but haven't got my act together yet with uploading them which is another reason I've been delaying his post. I'll try to get them up sometime this weekend. Hope all is well with everyone lose out there ;)

Tuesday, 2 April 2013

On a break

We're officially off the TTC bandwagon for 4 months and I'm ok with that. To be honest, if I was younger I'd gladly take a break for the next year or two. But turning 39 this year I really don't feel like that's an option. I've been feeling pretty negative for awhile now about IVF including everyone and everything associated with it, so I'm hoping a few months off will give us some head space and normality for a bit. I've stopped taking the 50 million tablets I feel like I've been on taking for forever (thank goodness - soooo over them) and I've returned to drinking coffee and alcohol (yay!) and basically doing whatever I like without any regard for my fertility which has been, quite frankly, a relief. I've also returned to gardening and spent a lot of time cleaning up our neglected back yard and veggie patch. I've even completed a few projects around the house like installing a cat flap for Merkin and cutting a new anchor well in our tinnie which has made me feel a lot more like my old self. I'm just enjoying not thinking about any TTC crap for the first time in 16mths. Of course I'm still reading everyone's blogs but my blog won't have too much baby making content for a bit. Instead, I think I'll be blogging about other far more exciting things ... like fishing!

Scout and I are on a 2 week road trip at the moment while the girls are visiting their dad. We organised a pet nanny for our furry kin, packed up the car and boat and headed off on Monday with no real plans except to fish the eastern coastline of Victoria into NSW. We packed fairly light so we could sleep in the car if needed. So far we've fished both the Tambo and Snowy River and spent two nights in the car which was interesting. We cut out a foam mattress to fit the back of the car with the seats down and it's not too bad but it certainly doesn't leave much room to move! Have half expected a park ranger to come knocking on the window in the middle of the night to tell us to move along but so far so good! The fishing's been ok. Nothing too exciting but they're biting. Only caught small brim so far which we catch and release. Scout is still struggling to find her game and making me feel guilty each time I pull one in - but I think she'll be giving me a run for my money over the next couple of days! Will post some picks when I get my act together. Happy Easter!

Saturday, 16 March 2013

Just not our time ... And starting to wonder if it ever will be.

BFN again. We used a pretty sensitive stick so I don't hold any hope for the blood test. The weight in my heart just keeps getting heavier as the road gets longer. 7 embryos put back and still no banana. It's starting to look more and more like I don't have any eggs left that are capable of going the distance which is quite a heartbreaking concept to have to try and get my head around. I'm going to get Scout to tell the nurses to call her and not me this time with the test results. I'm just really not up for hearing the same shit again. It's hard enough to go to work and hold myself together day in and day out. I really don't need a phone call from them to rub more salt into the wound. We won't be putting our two remaining frosties back till we've paid off the debt of this last cycle which will take a couple of months. But at this point I don't hold much hope that they will be any different than the last 7. I just want to run off and hide under a rock somewhere. This is not how I want my life to be. I never thought it would be this hard. I never thought I'd end up being one of the women that needed a rediculous number of IVF cycles to get pregnant. And what happens if after a rediculous number of cycles, I'm still not pregnant? Then what? I don't want to think about it. I just want to be pregnant. I just want to be past all this TTC shit. I feel like my life is on hold and I'm stuck somewhere I don't want to be.

Thursday, 14 March 2013

Negative vibes

Nearly at the end and not feeling too great about this cycle. I've been having mild cramps and occasional stabbing pains in the ute for the past 5 days and now it just feels like my period wants to come. I am REALLY emotional this time. Tears are constantly simmering just under the surface. A few actually slipped out today at work while telling a collegue about some work politics that's been stressing me out lately. I am just not feeling good about anything and really not looking forward to testing. I can just feel myself falling apart over yet another BFN. These hormones are messing with me on a whole new level and I am only barely managing to hold it all together. The dizzy, nauseous feeling that plagued me for at least a month after my last BFN has returned and feels like further confirmation of what's ahead. My period is due Monday - Blood test is Wednesday, but the way I feel right now, I wouldn't be surprised if I started bleeding tomorrow.

Sunday, 10 March 2013

Please stick x

At this point I am guessing the fate of this cycle has either already been determined or it's about to be. Our embies have either arrested or if we are really really lucky, one may still be alive and trying to implant. I really hope one is still in there. If they're both gone I'd rather know now so I can move on ... but of course I still have to wait another week for the verdict. As far as symptoms go, I've started having some light cramping but apart from that ... Nada. We went and saw The Wizard of Oz yesterday with the girls, and I might have over done it a bit with some gardening this morning, but essentially we've been having a lazy weekend. I'm back to work tomorrow for the next four days and then I get another long weekend as I have an ADO next Monday, so at least I'll have time to deal with whatever the sticks have to say over the weekend. In the meantime I'm still squirting this crinone crap up my hoohar every night which is gross and makes me stink. My clinic doesn't do any bloods during the wait and I wonder sometimes if my hormones are really where they're suppose to be for the luteal phase. I guess the fact that I stink means the crinone is doing something. Anyway ... They need to come up with a pill that stops you from over thinking stuff in the TWW.

Saturday, 9 March 2013

Restless nights

Last night I had a restless sleep and was awake in the early hours with anxiety (thank you progesterone). I'd had some kind of dream that made me feel less than positive about this cycle, and once I was awake, I started stressing that I hadn't heard anything from the clinic about whether they'd managed to freeze the spare embryos. With the last fresh cycle, I got a letter the day after the transfer saying we had two frozen and in storage. But this time I didn't. I'd gotten in late last night because I had a reflexology session so I figured I might have missed some mail on the table and got out of bed to check but there was nothing there. I went back to bed stressing and tossing and turning till the sun came up. Finally when Scout woke up I asked her about the mail and she said she'd been so rushed collecting the girls from school that she hadn't collected it. Talk about relieved. I sent Jazz out to check and the letter was there - thank goodness - confirming our two spare embryos have been frozen and stored (phew!). I am feeling a whole lot better about things now. Still not very confident about this cycle, but relieved we have spares to go again with ... Especially after I checked my bank balance this morning and saw the massive chunk the clinic had just taken out. Anyway, we have a long weekend here this weekend for labour day so I'm going to enjoy not working and just hang out at home. We might all go to the movies tomorrow if we're really lucky. And on a side note ... I am very proud of our 5 year old who is yet to master dry nights (still!) because she actually got up and went to the toilet on her own for the first time ever last night. Considering she woke us up 3 times the night before (twice with a wet bed), we are very happy to have this little monkey finally go at night on her own. It's been a looooong time coming. Fingers crossed she does it again tonight.

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