12dp2dt

So I held my pee all night and actually felt a little reluctant getting out of bed to finally POAS. To be accurate I actually pissed in a cup and dipped a stick. Anyway Scout and I both dipped separate sticks at the same time and stood there waiting for what turned out to be the same result ... BFN. I had high hopes that things would be different this time but it appears my body likes to kill our embryos :(. There is some relief in knowing we have two more we can try but I still feel pretty gutted. This year has been tough and although I know we haven't been TTC for that long it feels like forever. And this BFN has just pushed our dream back further in time. The thought of another cycle and TWW is just depressing. It is impossible to go through a wait and not have some hope attached to it. And having those hopes shattered repeatedly is starting to weigh on me. I feel like I've lost so much of myself through this process and the growing depression is starting to overwhelm me. I am so desperate to just get back to the person I was 12 months ago but it seems impossible while I'm on this treadmill. We've invested so much into this, I'm not sure what we'll do if we don't get there. We have already spent all our savings (originally intended as a deposit for a house), so after the FET, another round of IVF is going to put us into debt. It's hard watching not one but two of our dreams slip further away. I know we are lucky at this point to have the frosties and we'll pick ourselves up and try again. But right now I'm tired and my heart is hurting. We won't be testing again. I'll go in for the blood test on Wednesday and then we'll move on to the next cycle. None of my family and only two of my friends know we're doing IVF so it's hard going through all this stuff all the time, keeping it to myself. This blog is my only outlet so thank you ladies for all the support you have given me. It's very much appreciated.