We'll just keep on truckin ...

The day after our BFN-on-a-stick I got my period. And the day after that our bfn was confirmed yet again by the blood test. It seems crazy that the one day you are so focused on and looking forward to throughout this whole process (the beta test date) usually ends up being a shit day ... A BFN day. And yet you spent so long looking forward to it?! Crazy. Not only is it disappointing to discover that you're are still not pregnant, but you feel pretty sad and even stupid knowing you've just spent 2 weeks focused on growing, nurturing and getting attached to a little embie that probably carked itself ages earlier, you just didn't know it. This whole IVF thing is certainly a strange, stressful and expensive little experiment. Anyway ... Despite getting another BFN and being sad our little embies didn't stick around, we know we should be thankful that we really did have a better outcome this cycle and we really are very lucky we can try again one more time without having to endure another full IVF cycle. So ... When I get my period again we will have another crack at it. And in the meantime I will catch up with my FS about whether or not we need to do the dilatation again. I would like to be able to say that I plan on being extra healthy and losing weight and all that crap over the next month while we wait, but honestly ... I'm tired of the constant focus on getting my body baby ready. Instead, I'm just going to focus on enjoying our little family and the children I am so lucky to already have and we'll just see what happens next :). Hope everyone else is doing ok this month. I am looking forward to some great bump pics over the next few weeks and hearing how "thing two" makes his entrance into the world over at lezbemoms!

12dp2dt

So I held my pee all night and actually felt a little reluctant getting out of bed to finally POAS. To be accurate I actually pissed in a cup and dipped a stick. Anyway Scout and I both dipped separate sticks at the same time and stood there waiting for what turned out to be the same result ... BFN. I had high hopes that things would be different this time but it appears my body likes to kill our embryos :(. There is some relief in knowing we have two more we can try but I still feel pretty gutted. This year has been tough and although I know we haven't been TTC for that long it feels like forever. And this BFN has just pushed our dream back further in time. The thought of another cycle and TWW is just depressing. It is impossible to go through a wait and not have some hope attached to it. And having those hopes shattered repeatedly is starting to weigh on me. I feel like I've lost so much of myself through this process and the growing depression is starting to overwhelm me. I am so desperate to just get back to the person I was 12 months ago but it seems impossible while I'm on this treadmill. We've invested so much into this, I'm not sure what we'll do if we don't get there. We have already spent all our savings (originally intended as a deposit for a house), so after the FET, another round of IVF is going to put us into debt. It's hard watching not one but two of our dreams slip further away. I know we are lucky at this point to have the frosties and we'll pick ourselves up and try again. But right now I'm tired and my heart is hurting. We won't be testing again. I'll go in for the blood test on Wednesday and then we'll move on to the next cycle. None of my family and only two of my friends know we're doing IVF so it's hard going through all this stuff all the time, keeping it to myself. This blog is my only outlet so thank you ladies for all the support you have given me. It's very much appreciated.

End Cycle

Fifty million piss sticks and one blood test all confirm that we are not pregnant. And if that wasn't enough confirmation ... AF arrived this morning.

When we started this journey, I thought all we needed was some sperm and some good timing. I had no idea I had endometriosis, scarring, a blocked tube, a dodgy cervix, a low ovarian reserve, a poor response to FSH and crappy eggs. When our doctor said we would need to do IVF, I was disappointed but I figured the up side was we'd be bypassing a whole lot of IUI attempts and disappointment. I'd read a lot of lesbian blogs where ladies who had no luck with IUIs, got pregnant first go with IVF, so I was hoping that's how it would be for us except we wouldn't have to go through all the IUIs to get there. Unfortunately things haven't turned out the way we planned. We're not the one-hit-wonders at IVF we'd hoped we would be. Producing hardly any follicles was a blow, being told I produce poor quality eggs was gutting (and probably the worst discovery to date), but following all of that up with a BFN and no frosties has left me wishing the ground would just swallow me up. Now, for the first time, I think the dx of infertility is really starting to sink in. I wasn't taking it too seriously before ... But now I am and I'm struggling with the reality of it. The reality that we might not be able to afford the number of IVF cycles we actually need to get pregnant. The reality that we might not be able to make a baby with my eggs and I may have to give up my biological role in this whole process. The reality that I may never get pregnant and we may end up in alot of debt with no baby to show for it.

It's been a shit week and while I know we've learnt a lot in terms of what to do differently next time, this whole cycle has been a painful reality check. Needless to say, we are sitting this next cycle out to let my body and our bank balance recover.

11dp2dt

BFN. Feeling despair already even though I know it's early days for testing. This could be a bad week. I hope tomorrow is a different story.

Moving right along ...

Yesterday morning was my last test. My temp had dropped a bit so I was expecting the BFN that came. I was sad and disappointed having to wake Scout up to tell her. Even though AF hadn't arrived, I knew it was over and I needed to let go of any hope for the cycle. Scout gave me a big hug and of course that just made me start to cry. I honestly didn't think I would be that upset after only our first try but I was. That first test with the faint line really got my hopes up and I think that made the BFNs that followed a little harder to swallow. We knew the IUI was a long shot but I guess we were both still hoping we might beat the odds. Anyway, this morning my temp dropped again and by morning tea I was spotting. I actually felt ok about seeing it. I'd already accepted the outcome yesterday so it was more a sign of finally being able to move on, which I really needed.

I have to say, this whole waiting and testing experience has been far worse than I expected. I think I've actually developed an aversion to POAS. I thought it would be all about the excitement and hope of seeing that second line but instead it ended up being more about the dread and fear of not seeing it. I have no idea how so many women out there go through this experience month after month and still function. Anyway, the minute I saw spotting this morning I decided I wasn't even going bother waiting for full flow. I just rang the clinic, told them my period had arrived and asked to be booked in for pre IVF appointments. I barely even registered the commiserations offered by the nurse at the time, I just wanted to focus on the next cycle. At first she told me the earliest appointment at my clinic was 28th May! I was unimpressed to say the least. That would mean missing 2 whole cycles before even starting down regulation. So essentially 3 cycles out! I was not up for that. Fortunately she was very understanding and wanted to help, so she rang around and found us appointments at a sister clinic for this Thursday! How good is that?! We will be able to do our nursing, finance and counseling appointments all back to back at this clinic and they will clear us to start IVF back at our usual clinic next cycle. I am so relieved. It's nice to feel like we're moving forward again instead of just marking time :). It will still be a long month but I am looking forward to getting my head back on track and thinking about something other than whether I might be pregnant or not!

Stick interpretations

So yesterday was 12dpo and we tested. I left the stick on the bench in the bathroom, went back to bed and made Scout go and check on it 5 minutes later. She was in there for awhile before she finally called out asking me to come into the bathroom. I found her looking back and forth between the stick in one hand and the product info sheet in the other. On the stick there was a faint line in the test box. Scout was clearly concerned by the lack of a defined line but my head was saying YAY! It's a line! To me it didn't matter that it was faint, it was still positive. But Scout didn't want to get too excited by something so faint so we agreed to wait another day and test again with the hope of something more convincing. All day I had light cramps on and off. We went shopping and even stopped at BabyCo for fun but we left pretty quickly as I felt a bit ridiculous being in there when we didn't even know if we're pregnant yet. At the end of the day I was shattered and collapsed in bed. My nose was blocked and I had a stomping headache which I assume was from not drinking enough all day.

This morning my temp was high and I was excited to POAS. My urine was really light in colour but I tested anyway and the result ... a B.F.N. Talk about disappointing! The faint line yesterday must have been the tail end of the Pregnyl leaving my system. I'm feeling a bit bummed now and a bit silly for letting that faint line trick me into believing I could be pregnant. I am tired and cranky and crampy but I'm not pregnant. Clearly I must be premenstrual. I have peed (in the bowl, not on a stick) 4 times in the last 4 hours and each time it's light in colour and large in volume. I really haven't drunk all that much lately and I don't normally pee this much either. My period is due tomorrow but instead of my temp dropping, it's risen. My chart looks great. So I have no idea what my body is up to but it's annoying and I'm unimpressed. I had the flu shot on Wednesday so my guess is I'm getting unwell from that. I don't really want to give up on this cycle just yet, but I'm preparing myself for the fact that AF is more than likely on it's way. Our FS has already told us she thinks we will end up needing to do IVF so we won't be wasting our time on another IUI. We will just need to tighten our belts and scrap together the moola to make it happen.