8WW?

2 weeks down and probably 6 more to go. Damn this is going to be a looooong cycle! Along with the BCP, I start sniffing the synarel this week. Fingers crossed it puts to sleep any endometrosis that's flared up again since my laparoscopy. I am feeling relatively good about this cycle so far. I've been exercising almost every day and have finally lost most of the bloat from the last cycle which I honestly thought would never go. I had another reflexology session this week and will have one more before I start stimming. But the best thing this coming week will be that I get to hand over the stressful job that I've been backfilling for the last year and return to being just a regular clinician. Whoowhoo! I am looking forward to feeling alot less stressed and alot less guilty about taking time off work for the pick up and transfer. Stress was my biggest problem last time (that was within my control) so hopefully I'll be able to manage it a bit better this time.

This week our youngest also turned 5! I can't believe she is no longer a little toddler and will be starting school next year. Life is going to be alot easier next year with both our girls on the same schedule, at least until we get pregnant and have another little one on our hands!

Gosh I hope we have better luck this time around. Even if we got another BFN I think I'd be ok if we got some frosties out of it, cause I actually like the idea of a natural thaw cycle. But somehow I think that might be a bit of a pipe dream. Anyway ... I just need to concentrate on one week at a time. Let's hope this synarel stuff doesn't give me too my nasty side effects ...

Reflexology, pill popping and a new protocol

Halfway through my week off work and I'm slowly starting to feel a little less stressed. Scout and I are missing the girls but we're enjoying having some much needed quality time together. Last weekend we went to Echuca and stayed in a cabin on the Murray River for two nights. It was great. We took the boat with us and went fishing. Still didn't catch anything (much to Scouts frustration), but we did enjoy exploring the river. I almost fell in the water once trying to brake off a snag and we ran out of petrol coming back, about 100m from the boat ramp! The engine just cut out and the current started taking us backwards. We had to break out the oars and row against the current to the nearest shore LOL. Alittle embarrassing and Scout was petrified we were going to get bitten by a snake climbing up the embankment. Fortunately it wasn't much of a walk to find the car and go get more petrol, but we've decided to invest in a reserve tank now as that could have been a nightmare if we'd been further away or worse if we had the girls with us! Anyway, we can laugh about it now :).

Monday I spent the whole day in the garden which I haven't done in ages, cleaning up the vegie patch, rotating our compost bins, chopping back tress and racking up leaves.  I could barely walk by the end of the day but I enjoyed it.  And yesterday we had a big day on the TTC front with two appointments planning our next round of IVF.

By a random coincidence it turns out Scout's sister has an ex whose mother does Reflexology with a special interest in fertility so we've decided to give her a go as she has a very good success rates with her clients. Scout contacted her last week and yesterday we had our first appointment with her. She seems very nice, understands alot about the IVF process and has worked with IVF clinics before so I feel pretty confident that she will be able to help us - even if all she does is help me cope with stress a bit better. She explained how her therapy compliments an IVF cycle and at what stages of the cycle we need to see her. She gave me a relaxation cd, recommended an alkaline diet and while she couldn't "prescribe" she has suggested we consider taking Vitex to help with egg quality and baby aspirin every second day to address any possible implantation or clotting issues. The Vitex sounded like a good idea but I was alittle worried about the baby aspirin. She said because I have an A blood group and an english background, I'd be more prone to having "sticky" blood which can sometimes effect implantation. She said that clotting issues are expensive to test for so IVF clinics often wait till you've had 3 or more miscarriages or failed cycles before they consider testing for it and then prescribing the baby aspirin. I guess I don't really want to take something unless I know I need it and a doctor prescribes it ... But I also don't want to go through 3 failed cycles or miscarriages if all I needed to do was take a little baby aspirin every other day. Anyway, I'm in two minds about this. I also asked her about Royal Jelly and Baca which I've been reading a bit about lately but she seemed to think these things might not be the best idea to take due to their potency and side effects. I'm not sure if any of you have ever tried this stuff or the Vitex or baby aspirin but I'd like to hear your thoughts on them if you have any.

We also had an appointment in the afternoon with our FS, so I asked her about the baby aspirin and she said she didn't feel it was indicated at present and left it at that. Scout also asked her about HDEA and she said she didn't think I needed that either and that it would just make me hairy LOL. Instead she has recommended a down regulation cycle to put to sleep any endometrosis that might still be active at the moment and then start stimming at 400iu Puregon with the hope that we'll get better numbers. I was a little surprised as I've heard some low responders say that their ovaries have had trouble waking back up on this protocol, but my FS didn't think it would be an issue. So it looks like we are headed for the long cycle of bcp followed by stimming and sniffing syneryl before we get to collection. I'm actually ok with this as it gives us more time to save and work of egg quality. AF is due at the end of the month but I have plenty to work on in the meantime ... Primarily getting my stress under control, figuring out how to make this alkaline diet work for me, getting rid of the belly bloat I've got going on and getting a few reflexology sessions under my belt.

5 more days till I have to go back to work, so today I think I'll make some "alkaline" soup of some description and give this relaxation cd a crack :)

End Cycle

Fifty million piss sticks and one blood test all confirm that we are not pregnant. And if that wasn't enough confirmation ... AF arrived this morning.

When we started this journey, I thought all we needed was some sperm and some good timing. I had no idea I had endometriosis, scarring, a blocked tube, a dodgy cervix, a low ovarian reserve, a poor response to FSH and crappy eggs. When our doctor said we would need to do IVF, I was disappointed but I figured the up side was we'd be bypassing a whole lot of IUI attempts and disappointment. I'd read a lot of lesbian blogs where ladies who had no luck with IUIs, got pregnant first go with IVF, so I was hoping that's how it would be for us except we wouldn't have to go through all the IUIs to get there. Unfortunately things haven't turned out the way we planned. We're not the one-hit-wonders at IVF we'd hoped we would be. Producing hardly any follicles was a blow, being told I produce poor quality eggs was gutting (and probably the worst discovery to date), but following all of that up with a BFN and no frosties has left me wishing the ground would just swallow me up. Now, for the first time, I think the dx of infertility is really starting to sink in. I wasn't taking it too seriously before ... But now I am and I'm struggling with the reality of it. The reality that we might not be able to afford the number of IVF cycles we actually need to get pregnant. The reality that we might not be able to make a baby with my eggs and I may have to give up my biological role in this whole process. The reality that I may never get pregnant and we may end up in alot of debt with no baby to show for it.

It's been a shit week and while I know we've learnt a lot in terms of what to do differently next time, this whole cycle has been a painful reality check. Needless to say, we are sitting this next cycle out to let my body and our bank balance recover.

Going for broke

CD9 and I had my second scan today. Apparently my ovaries just aren't into puregon cos the double dose hasn't made any difference. I have 2 follicles at 13-14mm that look like they could go the distance but the others aren't doing anything. Just to confirm my impression that things are looking pretty shit, my FS asked if we wanted to do an IUI instead. I can't believe after all these drugs I've only managed to reach a decent enough level for an IUI!!! Anyway my response to that was 'NO'. I don't want to do an IUI and we couldn't do one even if we did want to because we gave up our IUI donor to swap to an IVF donor! We would have to go on a waitlist to get another IUI donor now. IVF is our only option which sounds a little rediculous with only 2 follicles but what else can we do? If we cancel and try again next month we might end up with only 1 follicle or none. It's all just one big gamble on really low odds, and if we fail at this ... it's going to be a long wait to save for the next try and who knows if I'll even have any eggs left by then. I don't know what to feel at this point. After the first scan I cried for most of the drive back to work cos I knew things weren't looking good. I actually think I got a speeding ticket in the tunnel, I was so distracted and upset. But today I just feel nothing. If I only have 2 good follicles and I want to finish this cycle I just have to keep hoping that 2 will be enough. Dr P said she's had another patient with only one follicle who got one egg and went on to have a baby ... And I've googled a few other people with similar stories which makes me feel a little better. Anyway, she's bumped my dose again to 400iu (I didn't even know my pen could dial up that much!) and the plan is to trigger Monday night, collect Wednesday and if we get lucky enough to get an egg that fertilizes and survives, they'll transfer Friday. Wish us luck cos we are seriously gonna need it. Tomorrow we're heading off for a weekend away in the north of the state and I won't be back at work till after the egg collection. Hopefully a few days of fishing and family will be good for everyone ... including my follicles ;).

IVF cycle #1 cd1

Hello Aunty Flo! Enjoy your 3 day stay because I'm hoping it's the last time I see you for a very long time :)

Profiles are in and the winner is ...

Mr Fix-It :) Good with his hands and far shorter than Gigantor which is a relief! They only sent 4 profiles and this was the only one that seemed half decent. 2 had some pretty significant health issues in their family history and another was a moderate to heavy drinker 'on weekends'. Mr Fix-It only had minor health compliants so we figured he was a decent compromise :). To be honest, with such a limited selection, we've had to make health our only criteria. Of course it would be nice to have a donor with similar colouring to Scout and the girls, but not at the risk of a congenital deformity or schizophrenia. So ... Fix-it man it is :) At least we have a donor again, and we're good to go for the next cycle which is fast approaching.

I've been flat out at work lately and trying to squeeze alot in while I'm there. Thanks to a restructure, my work load has more than doubled over the past 3 months but my wage and caseload is still expected to stay the same. Work is not something I generally like to bring home but it has happened a few times over the past couple of weeks, and to make matters worse I've even been dreaming about work which is ridiculous. I woke up exhausted the other day and had to get up and go to work after I felt like I'd just done a full day there in my sleep!! Scout has also been working alot and has been sick so we are both glad it's finally the weekend and we can spend some time together.

Scout got her boat license this week so we are planning to head off to one of the nearby lakes to give our new tinny a run. Last night I dreamt that while we were launching the boat our car ended up in the drink as well and floated away! So now I'm feeling alittle apprehensive about the whole thing but I'm sure it will be just fine :) lol.

Next week we have an appointment with our FS to sign the IVF 'consent to treatment' form and then we'll just be waiting for AF and saving our butts off to pay for the cycle. It's a good thing the girls like rice cos I think that's all we'll be able to afford to eat in the not too distant future!

I have mixed feelings about the IVF cycle at this point. I'm looking forward to getting the ball rolling again but I'm also alittle worried about how my body will cope and whether it will even work, and what we'll do if it doesn't and what I'll tell my boss ... Yada yada yada. At this point I'm trying to push alot of that to the back of my mind and just focus on what I can control in the here and now. It's going to be an interesting month to say the least. I also got an invite yesterday to a friends hen's party which is going to be a winery tour around the region where we live. It's on the weekend after when I expect my ET will be and there's no way I can get out of it cos we live right in the middle of the wineries. So now I'm trying to figure out how the heck I'm suppose to attend a wine tasting event and get away with not drinking?! Anyway ... For the time being I've said I'll be going but I know it'll really depend on how I pull up after all the procedures. I have a sneaking suspicion I may have to come clean with my friend sooner rather than later about us TTC, but I'd really rather avoid that if I can.

Back to the donor drawing board

This morning we had our pre IVF appointments. I still can't believe they got us in so quickly. We went to the Box Hill clinic which we haven't been to before. It was different but the staff were just as nice and professional as the city clinic. Our first appointment was with the nurse to go through our treatment plan and all the drugs I'll be on. We'll be doing an antagonist cycle which I'm very happy about as it'll take the same amount of time to complete as a regular cycle. I was worried we'd have to do a down regulation cycle or something long and involved like that but thankfully that's not the case. Yay! On top of that the nurse seemed to think we should be able to start this cycle since I'm only on day 2! How good is that?! At first I was a little freaked mostly because I knew it would mean doing some quick juggling of money to make it happen, but the fact that we could get away without having to miss a cycle was awesome! The only problem was we needed to get an IVF treatment consent form signed with our FS which we hadn't done so our nurse contacted her receptionist to see if we could do the paperwork without a face to face consult. While we were waiting to hear back about that we had the financial appointment, essentially to confirm that this is going to cost a bomb and to get all our payment, private health insurance and medicare arrangements in place. At the end we saw the counsellor and thankfully it was a different one from last time. She was great :) Very direct and easy to talk to. We went through more paperwork regarding embryo storage etc and that's when we hit a speed bump. Our donor. Apparently they have a shortage of IUI donors at present with only two currently available and ours is one of them. They won't let us take him over to IVF because they have a number of IVF donors available and they need to keep him as an IUI donor. So we have to chose a new one. We kind of had a hunch that this might happen but it was still a bit disappointing. It's a bit of a process when you mentally commit to a donor and considering the choices are limited, we felt pretty lucky that we managed to find someone we liked in the first place. So now we have to start again, which potentially means we may end up having to settle for someone we might not like as much and I really don't want to feel like I'm just settling when I'm picking a donor. On top of that, the donor nurse who manages the profiles is snowed under after being away on annual leave so the earliest she can send us any profiles to choose from is 1-4 weeks! That means this cycle is definately out. We can't start a cycle not knowing if we will or won't have a donor when we get to the day of trigger! Especially not when we're paying through the nose for it.

So after all that we are back to waiting this cycle out. I am ok with this as I had originally thought that would be the case, I just thought it would be for different reasons. I never considered that we might be without a donor. And the thought of having to pick a new one is not thrilling me. They only ever offer up a few profiles to choose from at any one time, so what happens if all the ones they send us are crap?! I know deep down that whoever we end up with will be the right one regardless, so I shouldn't worry about it too much. It's just a pretty important part of the recipe to be missing right now don't you think?! Anyway, fingers crossed these profiles come out sooner rather than later and that one of them is exactly what we're after :) This process has been pretty unpredictable so far, so I am just going to have to go with the flow and see what happens at this point. As long as we have a donor by the end of this month, I'll be happy. In the meantime it's back to vitamins, exercise and eating healthy :)

Moving right along ...

Yesterday morning was my last test. My temp had dropped a bit so I was expecting the BFN that came. I was sad and disappointed having to wake Scout up to tell her. Even though AF hadn't arrived, I knew it was over and I needed to let go of any hope for the cycle. Scout gave me a big hug and of course that just made me start to cry. I honestly didn't think I would be that upset after only our first try but I was. That first test with the faint line really got my hopes up and I think that made the BFNs that followed a little harder to swallow. We knew the IUI was a long shot but I guess we were both still hoping we might beat the odds. Anyway, this morning my temp dropped again and by morning tea I was spotting. I actually felt ok about seeing it. I'd already accepted the outcome yesterday so it was more a sign of finally being able to move on, which I really needed.

I have to say, this whole waiting and testing experience has been far worse than I expected. I think I've actually developed an aversion to POAS. I thought it would be all about the excitement and hope of seeing that second line but instead it ended up being more about the dread and fear of not seeing it. I have no idea how so many women out there go through this experience month after month and still function. Anyway, the minute I saw spotting this morning I decided I wasn't even going bother waiting for full flow. I just rang the clinic, told them my period had arrived and asked to be booked in for pre IVF appointments. I barely even registered the commiserations offered by the nurse at the time, I just wanted to focus on the next cycle. At first she told me the earliest appointment at my clinic was 28th May! I was unimpressed to say the least. That would mean missing 2 whole cycles before even starting down regulation. So essentially 3 cycles out! I was not up for that. Fortunately she was very understanding and wanted to help, so she rang around and found us appointments at a sister clinic for this Thursday! How good is that?! We will be able to do our nursing, finance and counseling appointments all back to back at this clinic and they will clear us to start IVF back at our usual clinic next cycle. I am so relieved. It's nice to feel like we're moving forward again instead of just marking time :). It will still be a long month but I am looking forward to getting my head back on track and thinking about something other than whether I might be pregnant or not!