The jaded vegan infertile

My girls are home and so is my beautiful wife.  I'm happy ... although still busy and alittle tired.   I've done well at sticking to my diet and Scout has been very good too, even while she was away.  The diet was a 30 day vegan challenge and I only have 1 week left now.  It's been easier than I expected to be honest (considering I've always been a meat eater) and I've learnt a lot of new recipes which I'll keep using but I'm not sure if I will continue with the strictness of it all after the 30 days.  I've been concerned about all the soy products which they say aren't good for fertility.   I've also been a bit uncomfortable with not having any dairy.  The dieticians at work seem to think it's ok as long as I drink other non animal milks that are fortified with calcium etc and make sure I get enough protein and other vitamins from other sources ... But they don't know I'm TTC.  Anyway I think I've only been concerned because of the fertility issue.  Apart from that I'm actually not minding it (which has surprised me) and I feel better for it, so I'm starting to feel alittle torn about the idea of going back to my old diet now which I wasn't expecting.  I thought I'd do the challenge and then just go back to eating meat and dairy but in a healthier way.  Now I'm not so sure.  At this point I think the only reason I would return to eating meat and dairy is for fertility reasons.  Crazy but true.  I never thought I'd ever want to be vegetarian let alone vegan but it appears my conscience is finally catching up with me.  Of course I don't expect our kids or Scout to follow suit ... and right now I'm still not sure if I will actually make it a permanent thing for me or not, so I guess I'll just wait and see how I go.  Clearly the fertility thing is something I'm going to have to give more thought to.  

Speaking of the fertility thing ... I've started on the BCP again.  Another week or so and I'll be sniffing syneryl.  I'm not overly excited about the prospect of another stim cycle next month but time isn't exactly on my side given I turn 39 this year.  So we are trying again ... But if this one fails we will be taking a break.  Financially this next cycle will be a push for us to cover as it is.  We have until egg collection to come up with the cash.  It will be more expensive this time too because it's a new year and I need to meet the safety net limit again to be eligible for the Medicare subsidy.  My private health insurance only covers the cost of my hospital bed for egg collection and transfer and because it's a new year I'll also need to pay a $500 excess to them again as well.  All up it's about $11,000 including the hospital fees and I'll need to pay $9,500  at egg collection.  If I could take the money factor out of the equation, I imagine I would be able to cope a bit better with the prospect of repeated IVF cycles.  It would still be shit but at least I'd have hope.  Instead, my hope now seems to be limited by our bank account.  When our bank account runs out, my hope will run out too.   As much as I desperately want to get pregnant and have a baby ... I have to confess that 'baby making' is no longer an exciting prospect for me.  It feels like some emotionally driven financial extortion with bankruptcy being our only guarantee.  Yes, I am officially bitter and jaded ... and I wish I wasn't, but that's where I'm at when I think about IVF and doing it all over again.  It's hard to be positive about something that's only ever served up pain and disappointment with a hefty bill to boot.  Anyway, we will see how we go, but I'm certainly not looking forward to any part of this next cycle.