Breaking bad

While I have been keeping up with everyone's blogs, I haven't felt like doing anything much with my own lately. I don't know why. Perhaps it needs a facelift or something to make me feel better about it. It's not like I haven't got anything to say lately ... it's more that I haven't felt like processing things too much. I'm in avoidance mode at the moment, possibly because I'm not a very big fan of the person I seem to have become since we've been on the TTC journey. This time last year I had an awesome veggie patch planted out with loads of yummy fruit and vege which I was watering and weeding and composting and generally loving. I was out in the garden all the time with the animals and the girls. I was cooking and building stuff and working on all sorts of random projects around the house. I was busy and happy and patient despite being sick as a dog with chronic allergies. But now 12 months later when I've actually conquered the allergies and I'm finally on the baby making train, I feel fat, lazy and completely unmotivated to do anything. My veggie patch is bare, my chooks are laying eggs I keep forgetting to collect and the house is looking generally neglected. I come home from work exhausted and struggle to find patience with the girls. I'm in a funk like I've lost my mojo or something and I miss it. I miss having energy and passion about things other than making a baby. And I miss some of the things I can't do now I am on this TTC train. I miss things that are bad for me ... I miss SMOKING! I know it sounds totally random but I can't begin to explain how much I seriously believe that kicking this habit is connected with my current funk. Yeah it's a toxic filthy habit that was bad for me and everyone around me in so many ways, but 9 months later I still miss it like crazy much to Scout's disgust. I quit cold turkey at the start of this year and Scout quit a few months later with Champix. She doesn't miss it at all (she's actually repulsed by the thought of it) but I miss it terribly and the reason why I miss it so much is because I associate it with all the things I really enjoyed and now don't do. I loved sitting out on the deck smoking and drinking coffee and rubbing our dog or rabbit's back with my foot. I loved working all day in the garden or on a project for 8 hours solid with cigarette breaks to keep me going. I loved 5 mins to myself outside or 5 mins with Scout all to myself while we smoked away. I loved kicking back with a fishing rod in one hand and a fag in the other watching the water and soaking up the sun. Yes I know there is nothing stopping me from still doing all these things now but when I quit, the only way I could do it was to stop the habits I associated with smoking and that meant avoiding sitting on the deck, drinking coffee, gardening, building projects outside etc. Fishing is the only thing I still do that I associate with cigarettes and I have to say I don't enjoy it half as much as I use to. When I gave up smoking, I gave up one of my main stress relievers, and along with it went a whole bunch of other associated activities I really loved. Since then I've been floundering for the better part of this year trying to find alternative things to do to destress and take my mind off the TTC rollercoaster. It seems rediculous that after all this time I am still yet to develop healthy coping strategies so I can return to enjoying these activities I miss so much without a cigarette. Instead of being productive and distracting myself in the garden for the last two weeks while waiting for this D&C, I've been compulsively buying random crap on eBay! What kind of coping mechanism is that?!! It's pathetic and depressing and I'm kinda embarrassed to admit it. I really need to get my shit together ... Anyway, on a more positive note I carved a pumpkin for halloween with the girls tonight :)  This is the first time I've ever done this as it's not usually something we tend to celebrate much in Australia, but Charlie has been all excited about it so we thought we'd do it for her. I made her help scoop out the inside which she was totally grossed out by lol.  So Happy Halloween to those who do celebrate it ;)  And to those effected by the big storm, I hope you are all safe and dry and out of harms way.

Charlie getting a feel for making a pumpkin lantern LOL

Happy Halloween!

Drugs, delays and D&C

How much do I hate buying these freaking tablets?! Just bought another two boxes and it looks like I'll actually need to buy a third now. That's 3 months worth ... And the reason I need 3 months worth is because my FS is going on holidays. She won't be back till November and when she does gets back I'll be having another D&C. So unfortunately the FET won't be happening till December now. I'm am a little bummed ... but I guess if that's what I need to do to get my hotel ala uterus renovated for our frosties then so be it. I have no idea what the frak I'm gonna blog about between now and then but I guess I'll come up with something. I am gonna go stir crazy waiting for December to roll around!

We'll just keep on truckin ...

The day after our BFN-on-a-stick I got my period. And the day after that our bfn was confirmed yet again by the blood test. It seems crazy that the one day you are so focused on and looking forward to throughout this whole process (the beta test date) usually ends up being a shit day ... A BFN day. And yet you spent so long looking forward to it?! Crazy. Not only is it disappointing to discover that you're are still not pregnant, but you feel pretty sad and even stupid knowing you've just spent 2 weeks focused on growing, nurturing and getting attached to a little embie that probably carked itself ages earlier, you just didn't know it. This whole IVF thing is certainly a strange, stressful and expensive little experiment. Anyway ... Despite getting another BFN and being sad our little embies didn't stick around, we know we should be thankful that we really did have a better outcome this cycle and we really are very lucky we can try again one more time without having to endure another full IVF cycle. So ... When I get my period again we will have another crack at it. And in the meantime I will catch up with my FS about whether or not we need to do the dilatation again. I would like to be able to say that I plan on being extra healthy and losing weight and all that crap over the next month while we wait, but honestly ... I'm tired of the constant focus on getting my body baby ready. Instead, I'm just going to focus on enjoying our little family and the children I am so lucky to already have and we'll just see what happens next :). Hope everyone else is doing ok this month. I am looking forward to some great bump pics over the next few weeks and hearing how "thing two" makes his entrance into the world over at lezbemoms!

12dp2dt

So I held my pee all night and actually felt a little reluctant getting out of bed to finally POAS. To be accurate I actually pissed in a cup and dipped a stick. Anyway Scout and I both dipped separate sticks at the same time and stood there waiting for what turned out to be the same result ... BFN. I had high hopes that things would be different this time but it appears my body likes to kill our embryos :(. There is some relief in knowing we have two more we can try but I still feel pretty gutted. This year has been tough and although I know we haven't been TTC for that long it feels like forever. And this BFN has just pushed our dream back further in time. The thought of another cycle and TWW is just depressing. It is impossible to go through a wait and not have some hope attached to it. And having those hopes shattered repeatedly is starting to weigh on me. I feel like I've lost so much of myself through this process and the growing depression is starting to overwhelm me. I am so desperate to just get back to the person I was 12 months ago but it seems impossible while I'm on this treadmill. We've invested so much into this, I'm not sure what we'll do if we don't get there. We have already spent all our savings (originally intended as a deposit for a house), so after the FET, another round of IVF is going to put us into debt. It's hard watching not one but two of our dreams slip further away. I know we are lucky at this point to have the frosties and we'll pick ourselves up and try again. But right now I'm tired and my heart is hurting. We won't be testing again. I'll go in for the blood test on Wednesday and then we'll move on to the next cycle. None of my family and only two of my friends know we're doing IVF so it's hard going through all this stuff all the time, keeping it to myself. This blog is my only outlet so thank you ladies for all the support you have given me. It's very much appreciated.

11dp2dt

I stuck to my guns this morning and didn't test ... But I was definately contemplating it. One more day and then we'll see what my pee has to say. I am not feeling too flash today. Both Charlie and Jazz have had a terrible flu that has knocked them for a six and I'm just praying I haven't picked it up too. They've both had fevers and vomiting and nasty coughs. I really hope I don't get it ... Especially if we get two lines tomorrow. Anyway ... I woke up with a niggling pain in my side this morning that doesn't seem to want to go away and my tummy has been crampy and unsettled in general which is making me pretty nervous each time I go to the toilet. So far, so good ... No sign of AF yet. I am pretty much spending today in front of the tele trying to distract myself from thinking about whether or not we're pregnant. Less than 24 hours till we break out the sticks!

9dp2dt

This TWW is dragging! I am trying my best not to think too much about it but it's hard, especially at night if Scout is working and I'm home on my own with the girls. I am starting to think more about the sticks in the cupboard but I'm alittle scared of them to be honest. On the one hand it's tempting knowing how easy it would be to do it and then at least we'd have some idea about the possible outcome before the blood test, but on the other hand, seeing another BFN is going to be difficult to stomach. Right now it's still too early to test but we are getting close to the time when we can. Scout thinks we should do it Tuesday or Wednesday (the day of the blood test) next week but I have an ADO on the Monday so if we're going to do it, I'm thinking this would be better. I'll be 12dp2dt then and if it's a BFN at least I won't have to head off to work and put on a brave face for the day. Anyway, we'll wait and see how we feel after the weekend. The fact that we have a backup this time has really taken the pressure off, but damn I still hate the idea of waiting through yet another cycle again.

As far as symptoms go it's debatable as to whether anything I've been noticing is real or just artificially induced by the crinone I keep squirting up my twat every evening. I'm bloated and feeling 'wet' all the time to the point where I actually thought my period had arrived yesterday but nope ... I was just leaking whatever that weird watery stuff is that I seem to get when I'm on progesterone. Anyway, that's nothing new from last time, but I have noticed something that is. My boobs hurt. They felt weird yesterday - alittle tender and tingley - but today they are sore. They ache even just lying down in bed on my back with nothing touching them. And they definately weren't like this last time ... But again this could just be the progesterone playing with me. I've also noticed my sense of taste and smell is alittle different but Scout keeps reminding me it's too early for these kinds of symptoms so I am trying not to read too much into it. It's interesting just how much weird stuff you start to notice about your body when you're paying such close attention in a TWW. Anyway ... Fingers crossed my brain isn't just playing with me and things are actually different this time. Time will tell I guess! My period is due some time over the next few days and I am starting to get the odd moment of cramps here and there which is unsettling. Hopefully everything will stay put and we don't end up with a rude visit ahead of schedule.

4dp2dt

Ovaries are still really sore. Not sure if this is normal or what but it didn't feel like this last time. I told our FS about how painful they were when we went in for the transfer and she didn't seem very concerned - just said to take panadol for it. So I went back to work on Thursday even though I still felt pretty tired and sore. Friday was a bit better as I wasn't as tired, but the day was still pretty difficult to get through. I had my reflexology session in the evening which was awesome. My reflexologist did whatever it is she does to try and get my body producing more hcg to help the embryos implant, so fingers crossed that helps. Saturday, Scout went all out to do something special for our anniversary :). She took me to a day spa up in the hills just out of the town where we live. It was beautiful! We had an hour long couples massage in studio which had a toastie wood burner and big glass windows overlooking rainforest. They had to vary my treatment a bit just in case I end up being pregnant but it was still awesome and we floated out of there feeling fantastic at the end :). After that we went for lunch at a resturant between some of the local wineries which was really lovely. We both drank water out of our wine glasses and I actually didn't miss the wine at all which surprised me. After lunch we picked up the girls from Scout's parents and took them to the movies. It was a lovely day together and I felt very spoilt by my lady :). Today we are just having a lazy day at home which I think we all really need after such a busy week. My ovaries are still sore and especially uncomfortable when my bladder starts to fill up. I am hating being back on the crinone but I know my experience of it isn't anywhere near as bad as others so I can't complain. Anyway, 4 days down and 10 more to go :). Hopefully work this week will be enough to keep me from going stir crazy wondering about how our little embies are fairing down below. I hope everyone else out there is going ok with their cycles and pregnancies. You're posts continue to be a good distraction from my wait!

Lovely restaurant with gorgeous views of the valley

And very yummy food :)