10 weeks to go

Very tired this morning with a killer back ache.  Poor Scout decided to sleep up the other end of the bed because I was so restless and clearly taking up too much room with my pillows.  Basically I think I've been doing too much and now I'm paying for it.  I spent half of Saturday at the sewing machine repairing clothes, teaching the girls about what I was doing and making Charlie a pair of summer PJ pants which actually turned out ok considering I didn't have a pattern.  Then yesterday I was out shopping with Jazz for most of the day, so now my back is very unhappy with me.  I'm tight all down my right side and no amount of stretching seems to be helping the situation.  Anyway ... I know I need to suck it up and get use to it cos it's going to get a lot worse, but right now I'm still sitting in my cranky pants!  

We have been talking about names for baby alot lately and getting nowhere.  Both of us like fairly old fashioned names but anything outside of that, we can't agree on.  And none of the ones we do both like are all that exciting.  I spent a lot of time looking at websites last night and even started trying to trace my family tree to find something.  The problem is ... I can't seem to let go of the one name I always wanted to use for girl.  I was very close to my nan and I always thought if I had a girl I would name it after her.  My nan's first name was Lil so I always planned to use Lily for a girls name.  This was right up until Scout's ex named his daughter Lillianne two years ago.  Normally I wouldn't care what he called his kid but the reality is, Lillianne is Charlie and Jazzy's half sister so it's a bit hard to try and give them another sister named Lily. My nan's middle name is 'Forward' - very odd/unusual and probably not a name our little one would appreciate later in life so basically both my nan's names are out and I am left feeling a bit sad and hormonal about the whole thing.  At this rate the poor kid will end up being nameless for weeks after it's born because I can't think of another name that will cut it.  It's a first world problem I know ... and I will get over it ... eventually ... but right now it's a real shit.

Baby wise, our midwife appointment was fine.  I'm measuring right on track and baby's heart rate is still galloping along.  The midwife started asking about birth plan / preferences and I don't think she was too impressed with my response.  Scout and I opted not to do the prenatal classes because basically we didn't feel up to being the token lesbians amidst all the hetero couples etc and I figured I could just read about it and that would be enough.  Scout never did classes for the girls and neither did her mum with any of her kids.  They are both very pro-epidural and most baby birth shows I've watched all end in the mother needing one anyway so in my head, my birth plan has been pretty simple - I want an epidural.  If there's an option that will address the pain then why would I choose not to use it?  I don't feel the need to prove anything, nor is it important to me to have an all natural birth.  As long and baby is ok and I'm ok, I'm happy.  Anyway, this midwife seemed a bit unimpressed by my lack of "care factor" in this department and started talking about gas and pethidene and other stuff.  It kinda pissed me off and to be honest I was kinda shocked that she believed pethidene was a better option than an epidural.  But I did get her point that I needed to consider all the available options, so since this conversation I've decided I need to get a bit better educated so my decisions are alittle more "informed".  No doubt it'll probably still end in an epidural or I might need a c-section, but I do need to be a bit more serious about how I'm going to handle the early stages of labour.  And I also need to come up with some strategies to deal with situations that might make me panic.  I might not be so concerned about how baby arrives, but I am concerned about her arriving safely.  Anyway, I've started reading a birth skills book and will also make a point of reading up on all the drug related options for pain control over the next month or so, including the pros and cons of an epidural.  

Apart from my birth skills book, I've also started reading and thinking about how I'm going to cope with baby once she's on the outside.  It's an interesting position to be in when your partner has already had and cared for a baby but you haven't.  Jazzy was two when I came into the picture and when I worked as a nanny OS, all the kids were also two or older.  So this will be all new for me and while I have an experienced partner to help me though it (which is obviously a bonus), it comes with it's own challenges in some ways.  So far, Scout has been very good about not offering too much 'advice' through this whole pregnancy.  She's been understanding and supportive and has only really had an opinion about the birth to be honest.  But when I find myself thinking about how I want to care for baby, I sometimes feel almost alittle closeted and foolish discussing ideas with her that I know are different from the way she would do things.  She has always humoured me, and supported me in trying things she personally thinks are just crazy and won't work, so normally I don't have a problem in just laying these ideas out there but when it comes to baby stuff, I guess I feel bit 'hesitant'?   I'm inexperienced and uninitiated, so it makes me feel a bit 'silly' coming out with ideas that I know she might scoff at.  I don't have a heap of them ... but there is the odd thing that's come up lately and I'm surprised by how much confidence I feel like I've needed to pluck up just to raise them.  We communicate very well about most things and even with this stuff, the discussions are always supportive even when there is a difference of opinion but I guess it's just interesting that I suddenly find myself feeling alittle 'intimated' as I enter into this new role.  Anyways, bless her, she never rolls her eyes and is always happy to let me indulge in ideas I know aren't necessarily her preference, so I really shouldn't feel so silly about sharing them.  

Anyway, I'm 30 weeks this week :). My bump is still "small", "neat" and "compact" (as described by those around me).  Honestly I think my arse is bigger than my bump, but I'm definately feeling the stretch and starting to notice the odd thing that's getting harder to do.  Two more weeks and we get to see our little one again at a 32 week scan.  Hopefully that placenta has moved up by then!  We've had some more pics taken and will probably get some more done around the time I finish work.  Girls go back to school on Wednesday and I'm not sure how they are going to cope with getting up early and being back in a routine of homework, dinner, bath and bed, but one way or another we're all going to have to get back into the swing of things.  Anyway ... I'll leave you with a few of the pics from last week :)