Quality not quantity?

So my scan today was unfortunately not as good as I'd hoped or at least my FS didn't seem to think so. I'm sitting there staring at her screen trying to figure out what's what and she's measuring away not saying anything. This is typical of my FS. I really do like having her as my specialist but sometimes I just wish she would give me a bit more information. So I ask if it's looking any better than last time and she's tells me "No, unfortunately it's not as good a response". My heart sinks and I feel totally confused because I'm sure I can see a number of follicles on the screen. Then she says, "There's only 5 follicles. 4 are a good size, and the other is alittle small. There's a few more tiny ones but at this stage they won't do anything." I'm thinking ... I'm sure 5 follicles is better than last time? She then starts talking about how we collected 7 eggs last go etc and it's unlikely we'll get more than 5 this time. Then she ends the conversation with the throw away comment "it only takes one" and leaves to let me get dressed. Ok ... So I know it only takes one, and yes I should be grateful I actually have 5 potentials at this point ... and I know this comment was meant as a comment of hope ... but it annoyed me. When I'm shelling out thousands of dollars per cycle I want more than one damn it and a comment like that makes me feel that's all she thinks I'll get again. So while I'm dressing myself I feel like challenging her about the number of follicles I had last time and how I miraculously ended up with twice as many eggs as expected, but of course I let it go. When I finally come out from behind the curtain she tells me to up the puregon to 450iu (which is the maximum dose my pen will dial) and come back for another scan on Wednesday. I drive to work feeling half ok and half upset. Part of me thinks it was a good scan and believes that it was better than last time regardless of what she said and I should feel good about that, but the other part of me is stuck on the fact that my FS (who obviously knows more than I do) said it was worse. So I don't know what to think. To be honest I'd really rather just keep my head in the sand till collection at this point given my experience of scans has been pretty negative to date. I just don't need to be stressing about numbers when the bottom lines is how many actually make it to transfer. I also hate that I have these scans right before I go to work cos it makes the whole day feel pretty crap. I had to get up at 5am to make it to the scan and the rest of the day I've had a stinker of a headache from the syneryl, so tonight I think I'll just have an early night and quit thinking about what is or isn't going on in my ovaries. I'm tired already and this week has only just begun ...

Going for broke

CD9 and I had my second scan today. Apparently my ovaries just aren't into puregon cos the double dose hasn't made any difference. I have 2 follicles at 13-14mm that look like they could go the distance but the others aren't doing anything. Just to confirm my impression that things are looking pretty shit, my FS asked if we wanted to do an IUI instead. I can't believe after all these drugs I've only managed to reach a decent enough level for an IUI!!! Anyway my response to that was 'NO'. I don't want to do an IUI and we couldn't do one even if we did want to because we gave up our IUI donor to swap to an IVF donor! We would have to go on a waitlist to get another IUI donor now. IVF is our only option which sounds a little rediculous with only 2 follicles but what else can we do? If we cancel and try again next month we might end up with only 1 follicle or none. It's all just one big gamble on really low odds, and if we fail at this ... it's going to be a long wait to save for the next try and who knows if I'll even have any eggs left by then. I don't know what to feel at this point. After the first scan I cried for most of the drive back to work cos I knew things weren't looking good. I actually think I got a speeding ticket in the tunnel, I was so distracted and upset. But today I just feel nothing. If I only have 2 good follicles and I want to finish this cycle I just have to keep hoping that 2 will be enough. Dr P said she's had another patient with only one follicle who got one egg and went on to have a baby ... And I've googled a few other people with similar stories which makes me feel a little better. Anyway, she's bumped my dose again to 400iu (I didn't even know my pen could dial up that much!) and the plan is to trigger Monday night, collect Wednesday and if we get lucky enough to get an egg that fertilizes and survives, they'll transfer Friday. Wish us luck cos we are seriously gonna need it. Tomorrow we're heading off for a weekend away in the north of the state and I won't be back at work till after the egg collection. Hopefully a few days of fishing and family will be good for everyone ... including my follicles ;).

Wake up and smell the puregon you silly ovaries!

First scan - Day 7 - One good follicle on the right and 3 smaller ones on the left. I know I should be happy I've at least got some follicles ... But damn I'm disappointed there isn't more. Here I am thinking I needed to worry about OHSS and it turns out I'm a low responder! So the FS has doubled my dose to 300ui of Puregon and I start the antagonist tomorrow morning.

Honestly ... All week I've felt a little tender and swollen, so naturally I've been imagining all these little follicles growing and competing for space down there, and instead I find one camped out in it's own private penthouse and 3 others snoozing on the job next door! Where's the party that's meant to be going on in my ovaries??? Next scan is on Friday and I'm just hoping and praying these follicles find their friends and fatten up real fast otherwise we've just flushed a shit load of money down the toilet.

On a side note ... I am unaware of puregon having any documented side effects that cause one to become suddenly vague, forgetful and/or seemingly unaware of what you're doing half the time ... But this is how I've been for the past week. On Monday morning, after attending Scout's nan's 86th birthday party the night before, someone else's leftovers mysteriously appeared on the passenger side car floor where I'd been sitting the night before. People had been searching for these leftovers at the party right before we left and we discover them the next day in our car on the floor where I was sitting ... Weird ... And embarrassing. How we managed to drive the hour home with Chinese in the car and not smell it I have no idea. Then yesterday I lost both my pen and mobile phone in a shop and when I went back they were randomly sitting on a chair somewhere. And today I left work, drove home and discovered confidential documents that aren't meant to leave the building sitting on the passenger seat! I am starting to get a little concerned that I'm loosing the plot! And that's all since I've been on 150ui of Puregon - I'm alittle scared what 300ui is going to do to me. The last thing I need right now is to be driving off without paying for petrol or leaving my kids somewhere! I need eggs from this stuff, not a ticket to crazy town.