End Cycle

Fifty million piss sticks and one blood test all confirm that we are not pregnant. And if that wasn't enough confirmation ... AF arrived this morning.

When we started this journey, I thought all we needed was some sperm and some good timing. I had no idea I had endometriosis, scarring, a blocked tube, a dodgy cervix, a low ovarian reserve, a poor response to FSH and crappy eggs. When our doctor said we would need to do IVF, I was disappointed but I figured the up side was we'd be bypassing a whole lot of IUI attempts and disappointment. I'd read a lot of lesbian blogs where ladies who had no luck with IUIs, got pregnant first go with IVF, so I was hoping that's how it would be for us except we wouldn't have to go through all the IUIs to get there. Unfortunately things haven't turned out the way we planned. We're not the one-hit-wonders at IVF we'd hoped we would be. Producing hardly any follicles was a blow, being told I produce poor quality eggs was gutting (and probably the worst discovery to date), but following all of that up with a BFN and no frosties has left me wishing the ground would just swallow me up. Now, for the first time, I think the dx of infertility is really starting to sink in. I wasn't taking it too seriously before ... But now I am and I'm struggling with the reality of it. The reality that we might not be able to afford the number of IVF cycles we actually need to get pregnant. The reality that we might not be able to make a baby with my eggs and I may have to give up my biological role in this whole process. The reality that I may never get pregnant and we may end up in alot of debt with no baby to show for it.

It's been a shit week and while I know we've learnt a lot in terms of what to do differently next time, this whole cycle has been a painful reality check. Needless to say, we are sitting this next cycle out to let my body and our bank balance recover.

11dp2dt

BFN. Feeling despair already even though I know it's early days for testing. This could be a bad week. I hope tomorrow is a different story.

8dp2dt

I realized the other day that I haven't mentioned one of the most unpleasant side-effects I've experienced as a result of undergoing fertility treatment ... I stink! Really bad. All the hormones that have been pumped into my body have given me bad BO and a strong pheromone type smell in general. I feel like I need half a can of deoderant a day to deal with it! It's weird, but I don't know what else it could be from other than all the medication I've been on. Scout says she can't smell it but I think she's just being kind cos I don't know how she couldn't! I thought it might go away after I stopped the puregon but the progesterone seems to be having a similar effect. Apart from making me continue to stink, the progesterone is also starting to turn me into a bit of a cranky pants, making my nipples painful especially when I roll over in bed, and making me feel 'wet' all the time ... Possibly TMI! I started wearing liners at first in case I "leaked" progesterone but it turns out it's the excess CM I'm getting that I need to wear them for. This morning I woke up feeling so damp, I had a bit of a panic thinking I could have started my period! I took my temp and my heart sank when I saw it had dropped. I got up to go to the toilet to check and it turned out to be nothing but a wet liner. So now I'm wondering / hoping that the drop in temp was an implantation dip. I've had the slightest of cramping and occassional twinges of mild pain over the last two days but barely noticeable and I've tried not to read too much into symptoms this cycle but after this morning the cogs in my brain are turning. Very bad considering we have another 3-4 days till we could/should test and 6 until the beta. I've been so good up until now ... But I can feel myself slipping back into the old trap of getting hopeful and looking for more 'signs' of hope that could well turn out to be false hope in a few days time. I am dreading the thought of a BFN and having to start a new IVF cycle all over again. That would suck ... Physically, emotionally and financially. I am still bloated to the point where my pants are all too tight. Another round of this stuff and I will turn into an even bigger, smellier, rounder balloon than I already am! Fingers crossed my temp is back up again tomorrow morning and AF stays away for another say ... 9 months or so?

5dp2dt

So far the TWW seems to be treating me pretty well. I feel alot better than I did before the collection, and much better than I did after the IUI I had in April. I had lots of cramping and weird sensations after that IUI, but I haven't felt any of that since the ET. The odd twinge from time to time, but nothing different from what I might feel during any other regular cycle. The progesterone has also been better than expected. Very easy to insert, not alot of discharge and no real symptoms from it other than an occasional sickly feeling usually in the middle of the night. Along with the lack of symptoms, I haven't been thinking too much about the wait either so it's been pretty go all round.

I had the hen's party winery tour the day after the transfer and not only did I feel fine, but I managed to pull off the tour without anyone noticing that I wasn't drinking! I just made sure I always had a tasting glass in my hand but never drank anything, except water at lunch. Thankfully people were too busy catching up or talking about themselves and their lives to notice :).

On Sunday I had my 38th birthday. It was raining, so we just pottered around the house and did some baking. Our friends who are also ttc popped in for a visit which was really nice and we half expected them to announce a 3mth pregnancy but instead we discovered they had had 2 more early miscarriages since we'd last seen them. I can't believe it and really feel for them. I can't even imagine going through that repeatedly and yet they're still positive and still trying. I really hope their luck changes in the next cycle.

Anyway ... Good luck to those coming up to their transfer and those in their TWW. I have one more week till either AF arrives or we get to POAS. I hope the time flies and we all get big fat BFPs in the very near future! :)

Embie on board

"Do you wanna hear the good news or the bad news?" Considering I knew what was coming after that opening line from our FS, I imagine you've got a pretty good idea too. The good news is we had one beautiful grade 1 embryo for transfer :) YAY!! The bad news is, that's all we had. No spares, no back up, no frosties. Apparently 4 of the 7 eggs fertilised but 2 grew abnormally and the third was a grade 4 that was growing too slowly and wasn't recommended for transfer or freezing. So ... We had our one super duper embryo transferred this afternoon and now we begin our TWW :) I was sad that the other little guys didn't make it but we feel really blessed that we did get 1 in the end and that it's a good one :). Apparently it had just morphed to 5 cells right before the transfer, and given they collected at 8am on Wed and transferred at 12.30pm on Friday I reckon that's pretty good :). So now we'll just have wait and hope and pray that this little one sticks. Here is a pic our little embie that's now floating around somewhere inside me. Fingers crossed it finds somewhere nice and warm and digs in deep for the long haul.

Grow little embie, grow

One day post retrieval I'm feeling pretty good. I'm still really bloated and have a bit of discomfort and tenderness downstairs but compared to what others have been through, I think I've come out of it all pretty well. I guess that's one good thing about being a low responder! I did have a fair bit of pain and discomfort yesterday after the painkillers wore off but nothing that couldn't be managed with a bit of panadol and some rest. And today I was well enough to go back to work feeling not much more than some slight twinges and aches from time to time. So I feel pretty lucky :)

On a more exciting note ... We are scheduled for our transfer tomorrow at 12.20pm! The nurse rang today to confirm the appointment and couldn't tell me how many fertilized or anything about how they're growing but I guess the fact that we're good to go for a transfer means at least one has fertilized and is doing something :) Fingers crossed nothing changes overnight. Scout is being pretty reserved and cautious about the whole thing at the moment ... probably to balance me out a bit as I am still just over the moon about getting to this point. Fortunately I haven't had too much time to over think things today as I've been flat out at work. But of course now that I'm home, our little embryo/s are on my mind. I can't help but feel a little excited and awe struck that part of my DNA is out there multiplying in a petrie dish right at this very moment! How amazing is that?! Let's just hope it keeps multiplying after it moves into it's new digs tomorrow :)

Post pick-up

7 eggs!!! Can't believe it. So happy :) My temp rose a bit this morning and I was fretting the whole drive in there that I'd already ovulated, but thankfully I hadn't. 7 ... Can you believe it?!! Crazy!! Especially when we thought there was only 2 good follicles. Clearly I must have had a few others either hiding or waiting to pop at the last minute. They didn't say if they were all mature or not but at this point I'm just happy we've got eggs!! And it was all so quick. We were in and out in no time, and I feel fine. A little crampy and tired but that's about it. I'm not even spotting. So now I have the rest of the day to rest, watch a few DVDs and of course think about the fact that our little eggs are about to be injected with sperm! I hadn't really let myself think much beyond this point so it will be interesting to see how things go from here on ie how many fertilize and if we get to transfer on Friday. But right now I'm just enjoying the fact that the pick-up was a success! I feel incredibly lucky :)

Countdown to collection

Less than 24hrs till EPU. Did the trigger shot last night, so now we are just waiting for collection. I am ridiculously bloated and uncomfortable at this point and can't understand why. It's not like I'm loaded with follicles. I have no idea how people who do cope. I think I have put on almost 3 kilos in the past week and a half. Even my baggiest of baggy pants are tight. My stomach is now almost as big as my arse and that's saying something! I've also been quite nauseous in the mornings and I was hoping this morning might be different since I don't have anymore injections, but unfortunately that's not the case.

Collection is booked for 8am tomorrow morning and I have to be in there at 7.15am to be prepped. We live an hour and a half away so it will be a very early morning and unfortunately we have no choice but to drag the little ones in with us as well since 5.45am is too early for before school care! At this point I am worried about spontaneously ovulating whatever egg/s I have before pick up. I know there's a science to it all but I haven't exactly been responding to these drugs as planned so I'm not sure how much confidence to place in the antagonists and the trigger.

Our weekend away was nice but we still didn't catch any fish. Scout has put new seats in the boat which are super comfy so I didn't mind the lack of fish since it was nice to be able to just sit back in the chair, put my feet up and enjoy the ride. We've had an extra long weekend with the queen's birthday public holiday yesterday and I've taken an ADO today, so I'm enjoying a bit of a much needed break from work. I am taking sick leave for tomorrow and I'll just wait and see if I need to take Thursday and Friday off as well. As for today, I think I'll have a lazy day around the house while the kids are at school and kinder, and try not to think too much about what might or might not happen in the days ahead.

Going for broke

CD9 and I had my second scan today. Apparently my ovaries just aren't into puregon cos the double dose hasn't made any difference. I have 2 follicles at 13-14mm that look like they could go the distance but the others aren't doing anything. Just to confirm my impression that things are looking pretty shit, my FS asked if we wanted to do an IUI instead. I can't believe after all these drugs I've only managed to reach a decent enough level for an IUI!!! Anyway my response to that was 'NO'. I don't want to do an IUI and we couldn't do one even if we did want to because we gave up our IUI donor to swap to an IVF donor! We would have to go on a waitlist to get another IUI donor now. IVF is our only option which sounds a little rediculous with only 2 follicles but what else can we do? If we cancel and try again next month we might end up with only 1 follicle or none. It's all just one big gamble on really low odds, and if we fail at this ... it's going to be a long wait to save for the next try and who knows if I'll even have any eggs left by then. I don't know what to feel at this point. After the first scan I cried for most of the drive back to work cos I knew things weren't looking good. I actually think I got a speeding ticket in the tunnel, I was so distracted and upset. But today I just feel nothing. If I only have 2 good follicles and I want to finish this cycle I just have to keep hoping that 2 will be enough. Dr P said she's had another patient with only one follicle who got one egg and went on to have a baby ... And I've googled a few other people with similar stories which makes me feel a little better. Anyway, she's bumped my dose again to 400iu (I didn't even know my pen could dial up that much!) and the plan is to trigger Monday night, collect Wednesday and if we get lucky enough to get an egg that fertilizes and survives, they'll transfer Friday. Wish us luck cos we are seriously gonna need it. Tomorrow we're heading off for a weekend away in the north of the state and I won't be back at work till after the egg collection. Hopefully a few days of fishing and family will be good for everyone ... including my follicles ;).

Wake up and smell the puregon you silly ovaries!

First scan - Day 7 - One good follicle on the right and 3 smaller ones on the left. I know I should be happy I've at least got some follicles ... But damn I'm disappointed there isn't more. Here I am thinking I needed to worry about OHSS and it turns out I'm a low responder! So the FS has doubled my dose to 300ui of Puregon and I start the antagonist tomorrow morning.

Honestly ... All week I've felt a little tender and swollen, so naturally I've been imagining all these little follicles growing and competing for space down there, and instead I find one camped out in it's own private penthouse and 3 others snoozing on the job next door! Where's the party that's meant to be going on in my ovaries??? Next scan is on Friday and I'm just hoping and praying these follicles find their friends and fatten up real fast otherwise we've just flushed a shit load of money down the toilet.

On a side note ... I am unaware of puregon having any documented side effects that cause one to become suddenly vague, forgetful and/or seemingly unaware of what you're doing half the time ... But this is how I've been for the past week. On Monday morning, after attending Scout's nan's 86th birthday party the night before, someone else's leftovers mysteriously appeared on the passenger side car floor where I'd been sitting the night before. People had been searching for these leftovers at the party right before we left and we discover them the next day in our car on the floor where I was sitting ... Weird ... And embarrassing. How we managed to drive the hour home with Chinese in the car and not smell it I have no idea. Then yesterday I lost both my pen and mobile phone in a shop and when I went back they were randomly sitting on a chair somewhere. And today I left work, drove home and discovered confidential documents that aren't meant to leave the building sitting on the passenger seat! I am starting to get a little concerned that I'm loosing the plot! And that's all since I've been on 150ui of Puregon - I'm alittle scared what 300ui is going to do to me. The last thing I need right now is to be driving off without paying for petrol or leaving my kids somewhere! I need eggs from this stuff, not a ticket to crazy town.

Getting back into it

This cycle is well and truly underway but I'm still not feeling overly excited about it yet. It's all a bit weird. I picked up all my new drugs the other day and have had my first injection but that's about it. My scan is on Thursday so maybe after that I'll feel a bit more excited about the whole thing. I'm trying to still be good about what I eat and I know I need to drink lots to stay hydrated this cycle but I feel like I'm getting slack about these things right when I need to be at the top of my game. I'm just tired I think. Work has been full on lately, Jazz is still getting us up through the night (she's nearly 5 ... wtf!) and Scout is working odd hours so we aren't seeing much of each other at the moment. I'm just feeling flat for some reason. Deep down I think I'm worried that it's not going to work or something's going to go wrong and it's making me want to disconnect from the whole thing already to avoid getting my hopes up. Not a great frame of mind to be starting with I know. I think the cost of the cycle and uncertainty of what we'll do if it doesn't work is kinda weighing on me a bit. I have a step sister who has struggled with IVF and she has now given up after about 5 or 6 attempts with numerous miscarriages. She doesn't know that we are ttc but she's been at the back of my thoughts a lot lately as we've headed into this cycle. While I know her story isn't necessarily going to end up being our story, it's made the thought of failing at IVF a very real concept. Anyway, the bottom line is, this cycle has started and we are in it for the long haul so I really need to snap out of it, get my act together and start thinking positive about growing lots of big fat healthy follicles. So on that note, I think I'll go jab myself with some more FSH, drink a big glass of water and snuggle up with my babe for a bit :).

Ps - Cute image of the day ... Our 4 year old attempting to vacuum the house while still holding her handbag LOL. Something to remember when I have to get up to her again in the middle of the night!