IVF #3 - Stim Scan #2

Sloooooowww growing follies ... Now at 15mm so still a bit more to go yet. Plan is for trigger Saturday night and pick up Monday Morning. Transfer will probably be Wednesday next week. I'm starting to bloat and I'm still crazy tired. My brain is all over the shop. I just boiled some potatoes and put oil in the water ... wtf?! 2 more days till the weekend which can't come soon enough! I've managed to stay fairly indifferent about this cycle for the past 5-6 weeks, but now my brain is starting to drift towards contemplating the outcome. This is dangerous territory and a serious double edged sword. Do I think positive and have my heart crushed again or do I protect my heart with pessimism and potentially send self fulfilling negative vibes out into the universe? I know somewhere in the middle is where my head needs to be ... but seriously, who the hell is capable of that while taking all these hormones and running an IVF gauntlet?! I'll keep my head till pick up ... but once I start the progesterone it's gonna get difficult.

Half a dozen possibilities

In the past, my first stim scan has almost always left me feeling either upset or confused so this morning I went in for my scan fully prepared to be disappointed. Instead it was actually pretty good! 6 follies all on the right and all 12-13mm with maybe another one or two smaller ones which may or may not do anyway. This is the first time I've had 6 all the same size so I'm pretty happy with that and so was my FS. Of course a small part of me was disappointed that my left ovary was pretty much empty but I am very grateful to still have one working ovary at this point. Dr P thinks my low AMH is due to my left ovary having run out of eggs or being too damaged by the endo to function now. I think it's ironic that my right ovary works but my right tube is stuffed and my left ovary is stuffed but my left tube still works! Anyway ... I go back for my second scan on Wednesday and hopefully we should be able to tell after that when the pick up will be :)

Despite the good news with the scan, I have to say this cycle is starting to take it's toll on me. I don't feel too bloated just yet, but the puregon is kicking my arse in every other way. I'm vague, cranky and barely functional at work but the worst part is the fatigue. I am rediculously tired and flat as a tac. I feel like I need toothpicks to keep my eyes open. I've had a few near misses on the road from lack of concentration, and driving into the city at 6am this morning I was actually contemplating pulling over on the freeway for a nap! My tummy is also black and blue which has never happened in previous cycles. The shots just seem a lot more painful for some reason. Anyway ... the joy of IVF! I feel like a train wreck. Another week and I get to squirt progesterone up my twat again! Yay!

My buzzing punani

I have a buzzing punani. Of course it's not actually making a noise (?!) ... but I have a 'buzzing' sensation down there and it's weird! It comes and goes but right now it won't leave me alone. Naturally I've googled it and apparently other people have also experienced this same "buzzing" in all sorts of weird and wonderful places as well, but I'm yet to find a decent explanation as to what's causing it. Apart from my buzzing punani ... the killer synarel headaches have finally kicked in. (Ugh!). And apparently my injecting skills are alittle rusty because they are stinging like a bitch, especially on the right side of my tummy. 450 is a long way to dial and then depress. I think it would be less painful if I did two smaller shots rather than one big one. Anyway, my first stim scan won't be till Monday since I have slow growing follies, so nothing to report till then. The down reg scan was uneventful but I did get a bit annoyed with the nurses after it. I had to see them to get my schedule and I seriously don't think they ever bother reading my clinic history. They seem a little clueless in general whenever I see them. Firstly I told them my FS wanted my first stim scan next Monday but they wouldn't believe me and put me down for one on Friday instead. Annoying. Of course this then had to be changed later to Monday. Then they asked if I knew how to use the pen ... and I'm like ... Ummm ... Yeah this is my 4th stim cycle here using puregon. I think I know what I'm doing with the pen now. I guess they have to ask but it's like they don't know me (after all this time!) and really don't have anything much to say when I go see them. It's just weird. Anyway, we've decided this is the last stim cycle we'll do with this clinic. If we get some frosties we'll stick around for the FET but once we're out of embies we're switching clinics. It'll cost us $$$ to switch but I think that's the next step if we don't get pregnant from this cycles embies. Anyway ... hopefully we do get pregnant and then we can move onto an obstetrician instead!

Here we go again :)

I don't have a lot to report but I thought I should get in a quick post anyway. The last couple of weeks have been busy with Jazz starting school and Scout's business needing a push now that both kids are in school and on a regular routine. Jazz is wrapped to be finally doing alot of the things she's being watching her big sister do all this time, but in the process she's become a bit "cocky" about how good she thinks she is now. Poor Scout had a bad day with her the other day and wound up having a mini melt down. Jazz is just so head strong and demanding at the moment. If she doesn't get her own way and all your attention when she wants it, the tanty of all tanties will suddenly errupt. She's 5 ... but acting like a 3 year old one minute and PMSing teen the next. Heaven help us when she does hit puberty!

I am also in PMS mode at the moment having just finished the pill while still sniffing synarel. I'm feeling tired and cranky and not in the mood for any crap at work. Thankfully things have been ok but the days just seems to be dragging. This weekend I'm suppose to bleed and then the stims begin. My down reg scan is booked for Monday. It's hard to explain how unenthused I am about this next cycle. I've hardly even thought about it. My alarm goes off and I almost unconsciously have my sniff and carry on with whatever I'm doing. The other night I woke at 4am and had a sudden panic that I'd forgotten my 7pm sniff. Part of me thought I'd forgotten to have it and the other half of me thought I did do it but it was done in such an automatic and unconscious manner I don't remember. Who knows ... I'm not going to worry about it but I really need to get my act together and pay a bit more attention to what's going on! Anyway, I'll post again after my first stim scan. Hopefully a good scan will get me back on track.

The jaded vegan infertile

My girls are home and so is my beautiful wife.  I'm happy ... although still busy and alittle tired.   I've done well at sticking to my diet and Scout has been very good too, even while she was away.  The diet was a 30 day vegan challenge and I only have 1 week left now.  It's been easier than I expected to be honest (considering I've always been a meat eater) and I've learnt a lot of new recipes which I'll keep using but I'm not sure if I will continue with the strictness of it all after the 30 days.  I've been concerned about all the soy products which they say aren't good for fertility.   I've also been a bit uncomfortable with not having any dairy.  The dieticians at work seem to think it's ok as long as I drink other non animal milks that are fortified with calcium etc and make sure I get enough protein and other vitamins from other sources ... But they don't know I'm TTC.  Anyway I think I've only been concerned because of the fertility issue.  Apart from that I'm actually not minding it (which has surprised me) and I feel better for it, so I'm starting to feel alittle torn about the idea of going back to my old diet now which I wasn't expecting.  I thought I'd do the challenge and then just go back to eating meat and dairy but in a healthier way.  Now I'm not so sure.  At this point I think the only reason I would return to eating meat and dairy is for fertility reasons.  Crazy but true.  I never thought I'd ever want to be vegetarian let alone vegan but it appears my conscience is finally catching up with me.  Of course I don't expect our kids or Scout to follow suit ... and right now I'm still not sure if I will actually make it a permanent thing for me or not, so I guess I'll just wait and see how I go.  Clearly the fertility thing is something I'm going to have to give more thought to.  

Speaking of the fertility thing ... I've started on the BCP again.  Another week or so and I'll be sniffing syneryl.  I'm not overly excited about the prospect of another stim cycle next month but time isn't exactly on my side given I turn 39 this year.  So we are trying again ... But if this one fails we will be taking a break.  Financially this next cycle will be a push for us to cover as it is.  We have until egg collection to come up with the cash.  It will be more expensive this time too because it's a new year and I need to meet the safety net limit again to be eligible for the Medicare subsidy.  My private health insurance only covers the cost of my hospital bed for egg collection and transfer and because it's a new year I'll also need to pay a $500 excess to them again as well.  All up it's about $11,000 including the hospital fees and I'll need to pay $9,500  at egg collection.  If I could take the money factor out of the equation, I imagine I would be able to cope a bit better with the prospect of repeated IVF cycles.  It would still be shit but at least I'd have hope.  Instead, my hope now seems to be limited by our bank account.  When our bank account runs out, my hope will run out too.   As much as I desperately want to get pregnant and have a baby ... I have to confess that 'baby making' is no longer an exciting prospect for me.  It feels like some emotionally driven financial extortion with bankruptcy being our only guarantee.  Yes, I am officially bitter and jaded ... and I wish I wasn't, but that's where I'm at when I think about IVF and doing it all over again.  It's hard to be positive about something that's only ever served up pain and disappointment with a hefty bill to boot.  Anyway, we will see how we go, but I'm certainly not looking forward to any part of this next cycle.

Rosie and Lucy :(

 I had my first week on my own this last week.  I thought I'd have plenty of time to myself to potter around and do stuff around the place but instead it's been a busy and even stressful time.

First - the good stuff that happened ...
1.  Starting a new diet (which I'm enjoying even though the food prep is killing me!)
2.  Figuring out how to use my mobile as a hot spot for my pad (I am a little slow on the uptake with technology so this was a real revelation for me).
3.  Figuring out the bus system in our area and getting a myki card (small things amuse).
4.  Eating the yummiest blueberry friand I've ever had in my life (not part of the diet but who cares).
5.  Walking ... Alot.
6.  Reading that Amy from My TTC Obstacle Course has had her baby girl! Yay!
7.  Having my wife back in my arms for a weekend and finally getting some sleep.

Now for the not-so-great stuff that happened ...
1.  The heat wave on Monday and coming home to small animals in distress.
2.  The clutch going in my car %$%*! (an expensive and unexpected drama which is sorted now but not without tears about how this will effect our ability to fund another IVF cycle ... Which I will get to next time I post).
And 3.  The sudden and traumatic loss of our two chooks Rosie and Lucy who were taken (murdered) by a fox Thursday night.

I am gutted by this last event and have shed quite a few tears about it lately.  I've often thought I should do a post about our animals but have never gotten around to doing it, so today I dedicate the remainder of this post to our two favourite chooks ...

Rosie and Lucy

Rosie and Lucy were two funny little Isa Brown chickens who were a very special part of our family.  I got their hutch as a birthday present from my beautiful wife in June 2010 and a day or two later we got Rosie and Lucy - hand picked by Charlie and Jazz.  Rosie was smart, confident and incredibly cheeky.  She was the first to figure out how to escape the chicken run, would often steal food whether it was meant for her or another animal and basically ruled the roost (for the most part).  At one stage when her and Lucy must have been having their differences she decided to move out of the coop and into the dogs kennel (much to Anikan's disgust).  She also managed to escape the yard completely one day and was brought back to us by a mechanic from the repair shop around the corner.  She was an adventurer and a thrill seeker and reflected much of the same characteristics as Charlie - the one who chose her.  Lucy, on the other hand, was a much quieter and alittle more clueless chicken than Rosie.  She would pretty much just follow Rosie's lead and do whatever she did without much thought.  She was much more easily frightened and although she would come to us, she would often freeze, tap her feet on the spot and crouch down trying to hide whenever we picked her up for a cuddle.  She never figured out how to fly the coop but did follow Rosie out through the vegie patch gates on a number of occassions.  She laid less and smaller eggs than Rosie but was far more trustworthy and sweet in nature.  And although she wasn't the sharpest chicken in the coop, to be fair I think that cluelessness is generally a chicken trait.  For example ... Neither of them ever got the concept of rain or how to get away from it.  It would be bucketing down and they would just run around like the sky was falling and not know what to do.  Scout actually had to save them a few times in the wet season when the lower part of their pen filled up with water and they failed to figure out they should get out of the water by walking up the ramp into their laying boxes!  Anyway ... as silly as they often were, they did bring us much love and amusement.  They would have lived inside with us in our house if we'd let them and I think that's where they really wanted to be because they couldn't get enough of us most of the time.  If I was gardening, they were there beside me pecking at any dirt I moved incase a worm or grub popped out.  If we mowed the grass they would run alongside lawn mower as it was moving ... sometimes a little too close!  They were always at the door or up on our deck (leaving their shit everywhere) and would come running up to see us if we called them or simply walked outside.  They loved the freedom of exploring our yard and the longer we had them, the more lax we became about keeping them in their pen as we wanted them to be able to free range.  We never had any issues with foxes and became complacent about locking them up at night.  In the morning they would always be at the back door waiting to be fed with everyone else, or they'd come running up as soon as they heard us come to the door.  They would always come to us on cue if we ever called "Chook, chook, chook!".  And only last week Scout was playing with them at the kitchen window, calling to them and then hiding out of sight and laughing at their little heads bobbing up and down and all around looking for her and wondering where her voice was coming from.  Anyway, on thursday morning I called, but this time they didn't come.  I thought it was odd but figured they must be laying or still waking up because I was up earlier than usual.  I made my way down to their pen with some veggie scraps and two fat juicy cobs of corn for them ... And that's when I saw the feathers everywhere and then Lucy's body with a hole in her chest and her head gone.  My heart sank and tears ran as the reality of what had happened sank in.  I looked everywhere for Rosie but she was nowhere to be found.  Part of me hoped she may have managed to escape, but the feathers on the fence and in the field next door suggested she was the one the fox chose to take back to her cubs.

I am shattered by the traumatic way they died and how frightened they must have been.  I am angry with myself for being so lazy about locking them up at night.  I feel bad we didn't take the responsibility of protecting them from foxes at night more seriously.  I miss them and their crazy antics. I miss them being at the back door.  I miss them coming when I call.  I miss their beautiful little souls and hope they are scratching around in some grassy field in the sky, enjoying the sun on their feathers and getting up to mischief together just like they would be if they were still with us.  I am so sorry I didn't take better care of you girls.  Thank you for all the love, laughter and eggs you brought into our home.  We loved having you while you were with us and we will miss you both very much ... xx

Rosie on the left and Lucy on the right

Their first egg

Charlie and Rosie on the swing together

Rosie being her usual self

This last picture reminds of the day I found the kids in their cubby house with their toy kitchen sink and cupboards etc full of dirt and straw and them trying to force Rosie and Lucy to nest in it.  They were certainly very patient chickens.

Onto bigger and better things :)

Hello 2013!  This is the year we are gonna get pregnant people!  But before we get to that, I guess I should tie up 2012.  I haven't blogged much since our failed cycle mostly because I was in a badddd space after that BFN.  I limped through Scout's birthday and finally went in for the obligatory blood test on the Friday which was my last day at work.  I received the phone call from the nurse confirming the BFN in my car at lunch time and for the first time I cried on the phone.  I felt my voice break along with my heart.  I already knew what she was going to say but a little piece of me was still hoping the outcome might be different.  She was very kind and asked if we needed counselling but of course I just quietly declined.  To add insult to injury I actually developed unexplained nausea that week which had had me convinced I was pregnant even after only one line showing up on the piss stick.  Strangely this nausea has continued on and off ever since despite me not being pregnant.  Anyway - amidst this BFN our youngest graduated from kindergarten.  And I have been waiting to be in a happier mood to finally post it a photo of it :)

How grown up does she look in her little cap and gown?!  We were so proud :). So now our not-so-little girl will be soon be starting school.  She is so ready for it and so are we!

Anyway - Christmas came and went.  I wasn't feeling overly festive for many reasons but we put on a great pre-Christmas get together for Scout's dad's side of the family which my brother also attended.  I made potent sangria and drank myself into a blissful state of tolerance so I actually managed to enjoy the day.  Christmas eve we lit candles, made popcorn and watched carols on the TV with the girls.  They even slept in Xmas morning to the respectable hour of 7am which was a pleasant surprise!  Christmas Day was spent with Scout's mum's family where I chose not to drink although I made sure I still got in a few egg nogs before hand.   The day was nice but as always, tainted with feelings of missing my own family.  We are yet to actually spend a christmas with any of my side of the family despite active attempts on my part to try and make it happen.  They all live a long way away, except for my brother who is a flight attendant and often OS or in the air.  My mother prioritises spending time with her partners family so despite me trying to make plans in July for Christmas with her in Dec, she had already made other plans.  She said we were welcome to come up and stay but they wouldn't be there.  Why on earth we would want to spend $2000 to fly our family up there when they aren't there, and spend Xmas on our own away from any other family (ie Scout's) I have no idea but I can only assume this was her way of trying to offer something to make her feel less guilty about her continued support of her partner's children over her own ... but that's another story.

Anyway ... We finally left all the bullshit behind and went camping in a national park on the SA boarder.  Scout and I have been there before but this was the first time with the girls.  We went for a week and it was great although of course having the girls with us this time meant our activities were a little more limited.  Strangely enough little girls don't want to go fishing 24/7 so we had to mix it up with lots of day trips around the area to the caves, to the beach, and to other parts of the river to keep them entertained. It was bush camping so we had to use gas and solar power and hook up our own shower and toilet.  The girls got filthy but loved it and enjoyed making new friends with other kids at the campsite.

  

The highlight of the trip would be Jazz catching her first ever fish!!  Awesome!!!  The lowlight would be ripping off half the underside of my car when it bottomed out on something hard while flying down a soft sandy strip to one of the more remote beaches.  In the end we decided to pack up and leave a day early as the heat turned up and the fire danger became a little to risky to ignore.  It's nice to be home now although we have been still busy unpacking and washing and sorting out the girls to send them off to visit their dad for a few weeks.  Scout and I now have a whole 30 hours to ourselves before she heads of to army on a 2 week course.  She leaves this afternoon and then I go back to work tomorrow.  I am looking forward to sorting myself and the house out over the next fortnight while it's just me and the animals.  I plan on eating less, exercising more, and organising alot of the crap that's been lying around our house.  As for TTC stuff ... I will save my thoughts on that for another post.

Congrats to the ladies at 'Our baby making journey' on their recent BFP and I am looking forward to hearing how events unfold for Amy at 'My TCC Obstacle Course' over the next 2 weeks!