Surgery delay

So I was all geared up to go in for my surgery this week.  I had a phone call last Friday from Dr Ps receptionist booking me in for a pre-op appointment on the Monday, but then out of the blue I woke up with tonsillitis the very next day.  This is not something I get very often and no one else around me has had it so it was a little unexpected.  By the time I got in to see a GP I had full blown golf balls at the back of my mouth and the antibiotics she prescribed did nothing, so by Monday morning when I went in for the appointment with Dr P it was clear that I would not be fit for the operation on Thursday :(  When I first told her about my tonsils, she started to question if we still do the surgery at all which kind of surprised me as she'd been all for it right from the start but now she was wondering if we should just give the insemination a try and just see what would happen.  I was not convinced.  I've read enough blogs now to know it's best to sort all of this stuff out before you start.  And the fact that we only get two shots at IUI with donor sperm means I wanna make sure we address anything we can that might effect our chances before hand.  Anyway, she did a quick internal to see just how closed my cervix is and to see if she could get a catheter in there but of course she had no luck.  So it was agreed that the surgery had to happen - A:  To up my cervix a bit so she can get a catheter in and B: To check my tubes aren't blocked.

I was disappointed about the delay, partially because I was looking forward to some time off work :) but mostly because I just want to know once and for all if my insides appear capable of letting me conceive and carry a baby or not.   Fortunately the doctor was able to rescheduled my surgery for this coming Monday, so fingers crossed there won't be any further delays :)  So I am now officially on leave for the next week to have and recover from the surgery.  I hope it all goes ok and my tonsils don't create any further issues.  I'm not sick anymore and they've gone down quite a bit so I don't imagine there should be any issues.  Unfortunately even once I have the surgery, I still won't know what the results are until the following week when I go in for my post op review.  It will be a bit of a waiting game.  But if all goes well - I'm hoping we can have our first IUI in April :)  Can't wait!

Gigantor

We finally have a donor!   Scout texted me on Friday to say that a big thick envelope had arrived which she thought might be the profiles :)  She didn’t want to open it on her own, so we waited till I was home and we had some time to ourselves to rip it open and have a look.  They sent us 4 profiles to choose from.  The first one we read was the least impressive of the lot.  Under music he liked as a kid he put “Meatballs” lol.  We both killed ourselves laughing.  I'm guessing he meant “Meatloaf”, but that was pretty much enough for us to put him in the “no” pile.  To add to that, he was also about 10 years older than me, had a pretty boring profile and had some health issues we’d rather not risk.    The second to hit the “no” pile was not much better – also much older with an average profile (Scout said he sounded like a nerd) and a few health issues.  Fortunately out of the 4, these were the only two we didn’t like.  The remaining two had much more detailed profiles and were only slightly older than myself.  One was a Canadian immigrant and the other was legal officer in the army.  The first time we read the Canadians’ profile, we both loved it.  He’s smart, fit, has no health issues and he wrote the nicest letter to the “donor conceived child”.  Interestingly enough he is also gay and apparently both he and his partner have become donors.  The Army guys’ profile was also very good but it had a slightly negative undertone in a few parts that made us a little unsure.  It was only small things he said but they were enough to leave us questioning a few things.  He was also single and had some minor health issues. 

Scout’s immediate preference was for the Canadian guy.  And I liked that profile too, but a few superficial things had me tossing up between the two of them.  The Canadian is tall ... I mean 6’6” stand-out-of-the-crowd tall!  He also has brown hair and a history of acne as a kid.  The army guy was also tall but a good height – more like 5’9”.  Plus he had blonde hair and blue eyes like Scout and the girls.  Based on the profile as a whole, my gut feeling was to go with the Canadian, but my logic wanted features that might blend better into our existing family.  In the end we went with the Canadian but we also both had our own mini freak out after making the decision as to whether or not it was the right one.  Scout started to wonder if it was fair to load the kid up with two gay mums and a gay donor.  I didn’t really think this was an issue and if anything could only see benefits, but the “gigantor” factor had me a little concerned and the acne history was also something I had really hoped to avoid.  I had bad acne as a kid and it really scarred me not just physically but emotionally.  But we stuck with our initial decision in the end and I think we are both happy with this now.  I think what made it difficult was how limited the choice was and how quickly we needed to decide.  Basically we had to call the clinic within 24 hours of getting the profiles to make the selection and since Scout was working the next day we really only had one night to discuss it.  Once you decide it’s locked in, so to change our donor would cost us another $950 rematch fee which we really don’t want to have to pay – especially if they gave us worse options than we started with!   And the profiles are really limited – there’s no photos and hardly any details about what they look like, so it was a bit of pressure but we got there in the end.  I find it amazing reading all these American blogs where lesbians can pick and choose from loads of donors at a range of different sperm banks, and here we are with only 4 options.  I guess it’s better than none which is what we had before we started this process.  And at the end of the day, the child we have will always be the right one, so I guess which donor we choose really doesn’t matter.   

Anyway this morning I got a phone call from the donor nurse to confirm which donor we selected.  When we got the package there was a form it in that needed to be signed if the donor had any health issues – basically to say that we understood the risks associated with using that particular sperm.   I figured since our donor had a clean bill of health we wouldn’t need to sign it but the nurse said we do ... because he’s a 'homosexual'.  I have to say I was a little taken back by this.  It’s not like the donor and sperm isn’t checked and tested.  They quarantine the stuff for 6 months to ensure there isn’t anything wrong with it.  So why would I have to sign this form just because the donor is homosexual?  If we went with the army guy would they want us to sign a form to say we understand that he’s heterosexual?  I told Scout and she was pretty unimpressed.  She asked if the donor needs to sign a form that says it’s ok for us to use their sperm since we’re lesbians lol.  It’s not like the profile didn’t plainly state that the donor was gay.  It was spelt out in 3 different places!  So our donor has been put on hold for us but we have to sign this form and have our specialist witness and sign off with her ok before we can use him.  Just another bit of red tape to get through along with all the rest.  It's a good thing we aren't in any rush and I'm still waiting for the laparoscopy, cos this process is starting to feel pretty drawn out.  It’s been two months since we had our first appointment and we’re still nowhere near starting!  I need to find some patience cos we still have another month ahead of us before we can, and even once we do this could still be a very long journey.  Hopefully Gigantor's sperm is up to the task!

The clock is ticking ...

Our specialist appointment was good.  Good in that things are now moving again in terms of getting my insides checked and sorted so we can move ahead with this baby making process.  But the results of my AMH test were somewhat depressing.  Dr P said it came back a bit low.  Exactly how low ... 3.5 ... which is way lower than I had ever contemplated it being.  I was hoping for something like 12 or even 10.  To be honest, even 7 or 6  would probably have been ok ... but 3.5! It was a rude awakening to the fact that I am actually getting old and that my baby making days are numbered.  So now I'm half wishing I'd gotten my act together and started this whole journey earlier but we just weren't in any position to even consider it till now.  I know I’m 37 and they say it’s more difficult after 35 but I guess since I still look pretty young and feel pretty young on the outside I thought my insides would be the same.  Apparently not.  I know I should be happy that it’s not 1 or 0.  But it’s still got me feeling pretty depressed. She basically said that with those kinds of numbers it starts to get close to the point where we may have to consider IVF.  We really can't afford IVF if we don't have a diagnosis of infertility because it's like $8000!  Fortunately after a bit of discussion she said she is still happy to support us with giving insemination a go first.   She said that the ultrasound showed a number of folicles and that that's a good sign regardless of whether the AMH is low.  I think/hope she's thinking the AMH may not be correct as she has asked for me to have the test done again which I am more than happy to do even if it does cost me another $60.  However I guess I had the first test 2 months ago, so maybe she wants to see how rapidly it's going down.  If it's gotten much lower then maybe we will have to bite the bullet and go IVF before I run out of eggs altogether.

We also discussed my rather unpleasant experience with the levovist test.  Dr P said that even though it didn’t work, it still gave us some valuable information – primarily that my cervix is blocked and this needs to be fixed before we can look at insemination.  So she wants to do a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy to look at both the inside and outside of my bits to see if she can find any problems and also try to open up my cervix a bit.  Since we already figured the laparoscopy was the next step, she didn’t need to say much more to convince us.  Scout asked how soon we could inseminate after the surgery and she said it should be ok to go the very next cycle but the surgery might throw my cycle off a bit so we may just have to wait and see.  She went though all the risks etc and gave me some info and then sent me out to her receptionist to book the surgery.  So it will be on 23rd Feb, and apparently I need to take at least 1 week off work to recover.  As soon as I got back to work I cleared my schedule and told my boss who was fine about it.  I also rang my insurance company and the other doctors involved for their costings. It looks like I’ll be up for around $1600 out of pocket which I think is pretty reasonable considering the actual cost is closer to $6000.  Thank goodness I got off my butt and organised private health insurance at the start of last year, cos the waiting period for all this stuff is 12 months.   Without it I would have to go on the public waitlist ... and with an AMH of 3.5 I don’t think I have time for that!  So now I am just waiting for the 23rd to come around.  I’m hoping it will all go ok and there won’t be any major issues ... but I can’t help but feel a little stressed about what will happen if things aren’t as great in there as I’d hoped.

Stalking the postman for profiles

So after getting all excited about finally getting to see a donor list ... we walked away from our counselling session empty handed :(  Turns out they post the profiles out to you in the mail.  And ... apparently we could be waiting up to 3 weeks to get them!  Very disappointed to say the least.  Scout said she pretty much switched off after she found out we weren't going to get the profiles.  It turns out that we were just there to sign the legal paperwork associated with using a donor and that was about it.  Our counsellor still had our names confused.  Scout suggested we get t-shirts with our names on them LOL.  I guess we shouldn't bag the cousellor, since it's all just part of the mandatory process, but we walked away from there feeling pretty let down.  

Anyway - it wasn't all bad as we also had a session with one of the nurses and she was great.  She went through the protocol our specialist usually uses for IUIs including all the drugs, blood tests, ultrasounds and the insemination itself.  She showed us how to use the puregon pen to administer the FSH injections and gave me a little practice with the pen and with another empty suringe which I had a go at jabbing myself with.  It actually wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and even Scout was surprised I didn't seem to have too much trouble with doing it.  Anyway, she gave us a little cooler bag and ice pack to use when we pick up the drugs so we didn't end up leaving empty handed after all :)  

So now we just have to wait to see our specialist on Tuesday to find out our test results, and if I need to have the laparoscopy, when it's likely to be.  I'm actually looking forward to getting it done so that everything is sorted and we can get on with the baby making side of things.  I just hope if there is something wrong in there, it's something that can be easily fixed so we can still do the IUI.  In the meantime, Scout will be stalking our postman every day until our donor list arrives :)  

We also went to the Pride March today at St Kilda and met up with our other friends who are also TCC.  From what they said it sounds like they are in the middle of a new cycle and having another crack at IUI so we are very excited for them and have all our fingers and toes crossed that this one sticks :))

Jaz and Charlie sporting their rainbow colours at Pride :)

Show me the donors!

We had our first counseling appointment at our IVF clinic 2 weeks ago.   Scout got the time wrong and almost didn’t get there in time … but thankfully she did in the end J  The counselor got our names mixed up right from the start and continued to call us by each others’ name for most of the session despite numerous corrections.  It was a weird process.  She initially asked what we did for a living and then asked Scout how she thought she would handle having a child LOL.  I imagine that question was probably for me but since she had us so mixed up I was more than happy for Scout to let her in on the fact that we already have two girls and have a pretty good idea of what we’re in for.  After that she pretty much talked ‘at us’ for the rest of it.  She asked about what kind of donor we were looking for and if I had an issue with conceiving a child with the sperm of someone I didn’t know, but apart from that the rest of the conversation was really just her explaining the donor program, how many donors they have, how many we would get to choose from and other random information about how they recruit donors.  She gave us an information pack and sent us on our way with some forms to fill in and bring back for our next session.  It was a bit strange, and not what I would consider to be counseling but it’s all part of the process I guess.   The best bit is we get to see the donor profiles next time we come in!  J  Apparently they have a waitlist for donors at the moment so when they do offer us some profiles it will only be a small selection to choose from … probably 3 tops.  It’s a little disappointing that we don’t get much choice – especially when we look online and see all the donors you can choose from overseas.  But the unfortunate reality is there isn’t many Aussie donors around and you can’t import sperm into Victoria without jumping through some pretty impossible hoops, so this is our only choice if we want to get our hands on some sperm! 

After our counseling appointment we had a financial session with one of the patient liaison officers who pretty much flew through the fine print of how much we could be up for and how to pay it.  She basically sat us down, hit us with the figures and sent us on our way again as quickly as possible.  We already had a bit of an idea about how much it was going to cost us, so it wasn’t too much of a shock, but it was confirmation that this is going to be a very costly adventure which is going to challenge us financially.  Knowing how difficult this is going to be for us financially makes it even more annoying that we can’t access Medicare for help because we don’t have a diagnosis of infertility.  If I had a male partner with no swimmers then I would be eligible for a Medicare rebate on at least some of these procedures, but because I have a female partner (also with no swimmers – clearly) we don’t get anything.  So this whole thing is going to cost us a whole lot more than it would if we were a heterosexual couple.  For all we know – we may actually be infertile, but since we can’t “try” on our own for 6-12 months to see what happens, we will just have throw money at trying to find out.   I know I shouldn’t complain too much though … At least it’s legal for us to access the services of an IVF clinic in Victoria now!  Hopefully we will get lucky and get pregnant before we go broke J

So … we have filled in our little ‘Donor Recipient’ forms and are all set to find out what donors we get to choose from tomorrow!  I keep telling myself that whatever donor we choose will be the right one for us regardless of the limited choice.  As long as we ‘like’ as least one of the donors, I’ll be happy.   Scout says she doesn’t care who the donor is as long as they can get me pregnant LOL.  There won’t be any photos and the information they provide is pretty basic, so essentially we’ll be looking for someone who just sounds good on paper.  If I was to come up with preferences, it would probably be someone with blonde hair, blue or green eyes, who isn’t too tall or short and has a good medical history.  Someone with a personality and interests’ compatible with our family would also be good but I doubt we will get lucky enough to get someone that fits all that criteria.  Too be honest, that’s really just the ideal, but we don’t really want to have too many expectations cos it’s likely we’ll just be disappointed if we do.  When there's only a few to choose from, we can't be too picky.  I’m just excited to be finally finding out our donor options.   I hope our Nan’s in heaven whisper in the ears of whoever is pulling up our selection, to make sure we gets some good ones!  The clinic have charged their sperm donor management fee ($1725) to my account today so I guess that means we have offically purchased sperm we need for at least 2 IUIs! Can't believe we finally have access to the stuff we need to make this happen :)

No fish and failed the ultrasound but the girls are back in town!

Weekend away was great.  Nice to get away and just do our own thing.  We left at 4.30 in the morning because Scout wanted to be up there and fishing by 8am.  Unfortunately 45mins into the drive she realised she'd forgotten her wallet so we had to drive all the way home again to get it!  So after an hour and a half of driving we arrived back home and then set off again lol.  Anyway, in the end we had our rods out and lines wet by 9.30 which I thought was pretty good.  Found some great fishing and camping spots but didn't manage to catch much.  Scout got one nibble the whole weekend and while I managed to get 4 fish on the line - one got off right as I was bringing it in, one snapped off close to the edge before I even got a look at it, another I reeled in but it was only a small carp and the last one took my whole rod!  The one time I left it for a minute to go get my chair and when I turned around it was bending over and then flew off into the water!  Fortunately I managed to grab it before it completely disappeared into the depths.  Scout nearly wet herself she was laughing so hard :)  We lost alot of bait, one hard lure, a few soft lures and had a close call with our yabbie trap and my rod but all in all we had lots of fun just hanging out together.

Only fish we caught all weekend and it was a lousy little carp!

Scout trying out her new lure on the Murray River :)

The girls got home yesterday afternoon and love their new rooms :))  They both seemed very happy to be home.  I had to work for the morning and then went in to have the Levovist test at the ultrasound clinic in the afternoon.  Since the girls had arrived home at 1.30pm and my test was at 2.30pm, Scout had to stay home to wait for them while I drove into the city for the test.  I was alittle nervous about it as I'd read that it could be alittle painful and naturally I was also worried about what they might find.  In the end it was a bit of a waste of time and left me with alot of cramping and no real outcome.  They did a normal vaginal ultrasound which was all fine but then when they went to put the catheter in for the dye they couldn't push it through my cervix.  The speculum they used was a plastic disposable one that was painful in itself before they even started poking and prodding and clamping and trying everything under the sun to get the catheter up there.  After about 5-10 mins I was starting to feel really hot and faint and in the end they gave up.  I almost fainted when I went to get up and they had to let me lie down for 10-15mins to recover.  I left feeling pretty upset and generally unwell.  I'm so disappointed they couldn't do the test, so now it looks like I'll have to have a laproscope to determine my tubes patency.  My FS is away on holidays at the moment so I will have to wait till our appointment on the 7th to find out when she'll do it so I'm alittle bummed that this means things will be further delayed.  I'm also worried about how much the surgery will cost.  Time will tell I guess.

Anyway I got to come home and catch up with our beautiful girls which made up for things.  They seemed very happy to be home and have our attention, and we were both happy to have our little family back together again.  Scout and I also had a reading with a clairvoyant over the phone last night which was interesting.  Lots of positive things forecast but unfortunately she didn't say much about our tcc journey which we were hoping to get some insight on.  She did however say that our little one should be on the way by the end of this year.  I hope so!

Today I have been feeling generally unwell and alittle faint for most of the day.  I'm still spotting from yesterdays procedure, but nothing to worry about.  Think I just need a good night sleep tonight.  Tomorrow I have to work in the morning and we go into the city again in the afternoon for our first fertility counselling session and consult with the financial people about just how much this journey is going to cost.  Hopefully that will go better then yesterdays little experiment :)

Last weekend of being footloose and kid free :)

Survived my first week back at work. I wish I could have taken more time off but I kinda need to save my holidays in case I them later on ;)). We still have one last weekend of being kid free before the girls come back from their dads though, so we are heading off early tomorrow morning for a fishing trip along the Murray River. We spent most of my time off just cleaning up around the house and sorting out the girls rooms. Charlie has been asking for her own room for awhile as Jazzy keeps her up at night talking, singing, crying and arguing in her sleep. Hopefully they will be happy with the new rooms we've created, but it will be interesting to see how they cope sleeping in a room on their own!

Apart from sorting things around the house, we went to visit a few of our friends for new years etc. Scout has told a number of people in her family that we are going to start TCC this year but I haven't really wanted to say too much to anyone incase we jinx it. Since we were visiting our closest friends who we haven't seen in awhile, we decided to let them in on it also, and amazingly enough we discovered that one couple we visited has also been going through the same process for the last few months! They are even using the same clinic as us! We were pretty excited to discover that they are in the same position as us right now, but also alittle freaked that using the same clinic means our friends could potentially be looking at using the same donor as us.  How freeky would that be?! I haven't quite processed that one yet. Unfortunately the excitement of discovering our friends were also TCC was somewhat tainted by hearing that they had actually gotten pregnant after two IUIs last year but had a miscarriage and are currently recovering from a curette. We were both so sad for our friends who were really putting on a brave front by being so supportive and excited about us just starting off on our journey. I guess more than anything it really highlighted for me just how long, stressful, painful and expensive this journey could be for us. As much as I want to get excited about the possibility of getting pregnant, hopefully some time in the near future, I don't want to set myself up for a big fall ... And I also don't want to see my friends have to go though this kind of loss again. Hopefully we'll both have some luck in 2012.

Anyway - we have a great weekend ahead that we plan to make the most of ... and a very busy week next week with the girls coming home, my ultrasound, our first counselling / financial appointments and a clairvoyant reading to boot!  It's going to be interesting :)