New mantra

It's been a difficult week.  I spent the first few days after the lap pretty much entirely in bed, just getting up to get something to drink and go to the toilet.  If I was upright for too long I just felt faint and nauseous and needed to lie down again.  I finally started taking stemetil on Friday so I could handle being out of bed for a bit.  We hired a cabin for the weekend about an hours drive away and went there for two nights just to get out of the house for a bit.  Scout and Charlie did some fishing while Jazz and I hung out in the cabin.  My period started they same day I finally felt well enough to be vertical, so since then I've had cramping almost every afternoon and evening since.  Last night I was so uncomfortable I didn't get to sleep till 1am despite taking panadeine forte and using a heat wheat pack.  My stomach has felt weak and tender and the stitches have been irritating my skin.  So I just haven't felt like doing anything except sleep and watch tv.  The only productive thing I've really done all week is read a new book I bought - "Healthy Parents, Healthy Baby".  It's been good in terms of getting me to think more about my pre conception preparation but it's also had me feeling a little guilty I didn't read this book earlier.   Unfortunately because I've had so much time on my hands my mind has been my enemy.  I've been a little stressed and depressed about the results of the surgery.  I've been googling everything and anything remotely related and have lay in bed for hours on end contemplating what it all means.  Scout has been trying to discourage my fixation but it's all I've been able to think about.  What's surprised me the most is that despite all my thoughts and worries, I haven't been outwardly emotional about it at all, which is odd given where I'm at in my cycle.  I've been upset mentally but there hasn't been any tears.   Then today we had the post op review with our specialist.  Scout had a clash with her work so it was touch and go as to whether she'd be able to make it but thankfully she did at the very last minute.  Dr P went over what happened in the surgery and showed us pictures of the endometriosis, the adhesions and scarring from previous endometriosis, my tubes, ovaries and a massive fibroid somewhere in-between all of that.  She confirmed that she burnt off the endometriosis, that my right tube is damaged, and that I have an acutely tilted anteverted cervix which pretty much does a 180 degree turn back on itself making insertion of anything through my cervix for IUI or even IVF extremely difficult.  Basically the only silver lining  of having all that, is that I am now eligible for the Medicare rebate for fertility treatment.  In other words ... All of that is going to make getting pregnant difficult.   She took my stitches out - the one in my belly button was so deep inside it hurt like hell when she dug it out.  I nearly passed out after letting out a yelp that I'm sure everyone in the waiting room heard.  Then we discussed IUI vs IVF, which is where it all finally hit me ... And the tears came. The reality is we only signed up to a fertility clinic because we wanted to access their sperm donor program.  It never occurred to us at any point that we might actually have fertility issues other than a lack of sperm.  I was upset enough just finding out my AMH was low but then all of this ... It's just been a bit to process.   Anyway ... Apparently regardless of whether I go IUI or IVF, I am going to need either a local or even a general to do the insemination or egg transfer. We discussed it and decided to give IUI a go first because the reality is we will have to start all over again with counseling and donor selection if we decide to go IVF ... And i'm over all this red tape and waiting.  I just want to give it a try.  If IUI doesn't work, then I'll happily go back to jumping through all their hoops to do IVF but I need to just need to give this a try.   So I'm booked in for another 'trial' catheter insertion with Dr P next week around my date of ovulation.  I'm dreading it but if this is what I've got to do then so be it.  Tomorrow I go back to work and  I'm not looking forward to that either but it will be a good distraction until I get my head into a more positive frame of mind.  Healthy mind = healthy mum = healthy baby, and that needs to be my focus from now on.  Our little one is still waiting for us, so we just need to do everything we can to be happy and healthy and focused on finding a way to bring him or her into this world, one way or another :)