Thoughts on labour and our baby girl's arrival ...

I have had lots going on in my head lately and thought I should just get it all out before I suddenly a find myself in labour.  I am not 'scared' of what's ahead with the birth etc which actually surprises me ... perhaps that will come when labour starts ... but I do have some 'worries' that have been playing on my mind.  I don't care how our little girl arrives.  If I need drugs or an epidural or a Caesarian so be it ... as long as baby is safe.  But I do worry about the 'what if's' that I know we have no control over.  I know it's normal to have these worries at this point, but I just feel like I need to get them out there and hopefully once they're out I can worry about them a little less.  

My two biggest concerns is that something could happen to baby and also that something could happen to me.  I know these are normal things to worry about and it's most likely everything will be just fine.  But these thoughts are still in my head a lot lately, so much so that I was standing in line at the post office the other day and just suddenly started crying.  For some reason I just had this feeling like I wasn't going to survive the birth.  And oddly enough that didn't scare me so much but it did make me feel overwhelmingly sad that I could potentially end up leaving my little girl and beautiful family behind and never get to see or know of a future with them.  Even now it upsets me writing about it.  I love my wife and our little family so much and I just can't bear the thought of ever leaving them like that.  Anyway, it was bothering me so much that after my tears at the post office, I had to talk to Scout about it.  She was very understanding and said that she'd had similar thoughts when she had the girls ... Nightmares about c-sections going wrong etc.  I made her promise that she would keep and care for our baby girl if anything happened and of course she said she would, even though I think she thought I was being a little melodramatic.  Anyway, I feel better now that she knows what's going on in my head.  I think I just felt like I needed to have the conversation ... just in case.  It's not like I think there will be any issue with anyone not letting her keep our baby if something where to happen to me, but the thought is still there in the back of my head for whatever reason.  

As far as worrying about something happening to baby, I have been a lot better about pushing those thoughts aside and convincing myself that she will be fine.  I think it's just not something my brain is prepared to process or even consider with any seriousness at this point because the reality would be beyond comprehension.  Somehow I think I have just managed to convince myself that she will be fine and I'm happy to take that expectation (no matter how naive) with me into this labour because the  alternative is just not something I can think about at this point.  

In terms of labour, I feel a lot more empowered now to just give it a good crack and see what happens.  I'm not scared of the pain.  I might be once it starts!  But right now I feel ok about getting through that first stage.  The second stage still worries me, but I am just going to have to keep all those fears out of my head somehow and focus on having a happy healthy baby at the end of it.  

Another thing that has been playing on my mind, is whether I'll be successful with breastfeeding.  I know it's probably not something I should be worrying about at this point, but it's something I really want to be able to do and I hear so many stories about how much others struggle with it.  Anyway, we will cross that bridge when we get to it, but I am hoping it's not something that gets the better of me, because I'll be massively disappointed if it does.  

Apart from those couple of things, I am really looking forward to baby making her grand entrance :).  I don't feel nervous at all yet.  Probably because I've been trying to convince myself that she'll still be in there for a little while yet.  We are yet to make a list of who to tell when she arrives or discuss how we'll go about doing that.  I am not a fan of Facebook and we have deliberately keep our news quiet on there so I imagine it will be phone calls and txts.  One of the reasons we have keep any baby talk off Facebook is because we haven't wanted to hurt or offend our other friends who are still TTC.  I can't remember if I mentioned it or not, but I finally told them we were pregnant back in January.  I had been putting it off because I was concerned about how they'd take the news etc. and the potential impact it could have on our friendship.  Anyway at the time, I spoke with the partner of the one who had been having so much trouble.  She was actually just starting IVF herself because they had had to swap roles in the end.  Anyway I figured she would know how best to break the news to her partner and because they were both seeing a counsellor my friend said she'd discuss it with their counsellor first.  I hadn't heard from either of them since and Scout was worried that that was the end of our friendship with them  I kept telling her it would be fine and that they just needed time after everything they'd been though.  Anyway ... I got a call out of the blue from the one I'd spoken to about it last week telling me that she still hadn't been able to break the news to her partner!  Apparently the counsellor didn't feel it was a good time to be sharing the news back in Jan and had told her to hold off but now with baby about to make an appearance any day, she had brought it up with the counsellor again and the counsellor suggested I be the one to tell the partner.  So here I am ... about to hit my due date ... thinking I'd already dealt with this and it turns out I still have to!  I can understand that it's been hard to pick the right time, but I'm feeling really bad now that my friend has been kept in the dark this long.  Anyway ... they're away right now but the plan is for me to contact her early next week, when they get back, to tell her.  This will be pretty much smack bang on my due date and pretty much the last thing I'm going to feel like doing ... but it has to be done.  Wish me luck.  I'm just hoping this baby doesn't arrive before I get to tell her ... because telling her after baby is already here is going to make me feel even worse!

Suddenly I feel like I'm running out of time!!!

I wrote a big post a few days ago and was waiting to get some photos for it ... but now the draft seems to have disappeared :(  Annoying.  And I have zero energy to repeat it all because I am just too TIRED.  Still not in a hurry for baby to be out ... But just tired.  To be honest my bump is still relatively compact considering I'm now 39 weeks.  I'm sleeping pretty well, apart from being woken by reflux sometimes.  I do seem to be getting a return of morning sickness which is weird, and my feet are sore but only swell if it's hot or I'm standing too long.  Generally speaking I've got very little to complain about considering how far along I am ... But I am tired.  I've probably been doing alittle more than I should be at this point so I imagine that's why.  Yesterday and today have been the first couple of days that I've actually put my feet up since I finished work.  I've just had that much stuff to catch up on around the house and with the girls ... it's just been busy.  

Last week I saw my osteopath for a session on my back to make sure everything's good before baby comes.  She seemed pretty happy with it and I have to say I haven't had much pain at all lately which is nice.  I also got the capsule installed in the car. Damn that thing takes up a lot more room than I thought it would!  We are seriously going to need to upgrade our car now with 3 kids in the back ... Especially when two need special seats.  Poor Charlie is squashed up between Jazzy's booster and the capsule now.  And even the front passenger seat is also squishy now as the seat has to sit a lot further forward than previously.  Anyway ... Bottom line is that we won't be doing too many family road trips anytime soon because there is no way we will all fit comfortably in there for any decent length of time.  The guy who installed the capsule also gave me a certificate of installation and told me to keep it in the glove box as the hospital may need to see it before they will let us take baby home.  I was kinda surprised by this.  Who knew professional installation was a requirement?  I know it's a good thing to do when it's first installed, but I didn't know the hospital would require proof!  Lucky we didn't decide to just install it ourselves ...

I had my 38 week midwife appt last week which went ok but apparently baby has a low resting heart rate that had them a bit worried so I ended up on a monitor for an hour just to make sure everything was fine with the little one.  Anyway ... They were happy with her in the end which was good and I got to relax for a bit, so it was kinda nice to just do nothing and focus on baby for a bit.  I don't have another appt until after 40 weeks, and I'm hoping if I do make it that far,that will be the last one.  As much as I'm happy to stay pregnant for a while yet, I don't want to end up needing an induction, nor do I want to be pushing out a big baby!  I've pretty much finished reading my birth skills book now and my hospital bag is packed.  Scout has stocked up on a few things to take for herself and has packed a bag for the girls to take to the grandparents.  My TENS machine arrived a couple of weeks ago and I still haven't tried it out yet but essentially I think I'm getting close to being as ready for this baby as I'm going to be.  I still wish I had a bit more time to get some other stuff done but really ... the sooner I get use to focusing on just what really 'needs' to be done the better.  Scout is having lots of dreams about me going into labour.  This morning she woke up exhausted from a dream in which I gave birth at home!  She keeps telling baby she has to stay in there till at least next week because she's got too much on with work this week lol.  

Apart from everything else, we've also been doing a bit of last minute work to our kitchen.  Not the best timing but it had to be done.  The lacquer on our wooden benches has been lifting and peeling off here and there for awhile now and has finally reached the stage of being seriously unhygienic.  We've been putting off fixing it but we really need a sealed bench with a baby in the house so we started stripping and sanding it last week and we're now in the process of staining and sealing it.  Another couple of coats and it should be done.  I'm looking forward to having a functional kitchen again!  

Scout's mum and sister also threw me a surprise baby shower about a week ago.  I really wasn't wanting to have one as I don't like being the centre of attention, but they wanted to do something.  Scout was in on it and I should have guessed something was up when she started putting make-up on just to go visit her mum.  Anyway, it was lovely and very low key thank goodness.  Just family and neighbours etc but very nice and we got very spoilt with gifts ;)

Anyway I will leave it at that as I really need to get this post saved properly this time.  I have more stuff I need to write about but it will have to go in another post.  Hopefully I've got time to write it before baby girl arrives!   I'll include pics from the baby shower then ;).

Photos at 37 weeks

Home Stretch ;)

36 wks and 6 days today.  Finished work a week ago which was a bit of a push but I got there.  They gave me a morning tea with a box full of lovely gifts which was really nice, but generally it was an exhausting couple of weeks ... I couldn't think about anything else but just getting to the end of it and I'm so glad it's over now.  A very small part of me was thinking I could probably keep going another week but thankfully I pulled the pin when I did because I'm just T.I.R.E.D.

                    

                    

My first week off has been pretty busy as well unfortunately.  Have been catching up with family, went to a breastfeeding course, had a midwife appt and did some shopping.  Enough to make me feel pretty shattered, but it's been nice to have more time for the girls, doing the school pick ups and drop offs.  So much easier to get things done with them now that I have more time in the morning and can pick them up early in the afternoon.  Nowhere near as stressful ... but I imagine that will change again once baby arrives!  Scout is working late most nights now so I am not looking forward to the early evenings on my own with two tired cranky girls and a bub all wanting my attention at the same time.  Will be interesting!  

I'm still enjoying being pregnant and am in no hurry for baby to arrive :). There's a lot still to organise to be honest, cos I just didn't have the energy or brain space to do much while I was working, and I didn't have much time over the past week either, so this week I'll really have to get my act together.  I'm also just wanting to savour these last few weeks with baby still on the inside.  Her movements are just amazing to watch and feel and I know I'll miss that once she's out.  It's unlikely I'll ever be pregnant again so I'm trying to soak it all up while I can.  I feel pretty lucky that everything has gone so well up until now.  I'm starting to get a bit sore and the reflux has been pretty unpleasant (nearly puked in my sleep the other night!) ...  but I really can't complain :).  Still no stretch marks and I'm still sleeping relatively ok.

This week I need to get my spare tyre fixed (I got a flat recently) and we need to get the capsule installed in the car.  I've packed a nappy bag but still haven't finished packing my bag for the hospital.  Baby's room still has a lot of 'junk' in it that needs sorting and there's other stuff I want to get done around the house in general.  Plus I need to 'rest' and I still have a shit tin of reading to do.  My midwife asked me if I was 'ready' for labour.  I didn't really know how to answer this.  No ... I haven't been doing my exercises.  No ... I haven't finished reading my birthing books.  No ... I don't have a very clear 'plan' for the great unknown of how this is all going to go down ... But if baby were to come tomorrow, we'd figure it out.  As long as I can keep it together mentally, it'll be ok ... I hope! Lol.  My TENS machine arrives this week so I'll have a play with that to make sure I know how to use it and I'll finish reading my book.  To be honest, I really don't want to over think this stuff because anything could happen.  I'm happy to just do whatever the midwives suggest and if all else fails ... They can give me the epidural ;)

Anyway ... I have some bump pics ;)

My Bump at 35 weeks ...

                         

And today at almost 37 weeks!

We had some more pics taken by a friend at the beach this morning so I will post some from that when we get them ... if they turn out ok.  Seriously felt like we were getting blown away out there though. And then a school group rocked up while I was all sprawled out on the sand with my belly hanging out!  It was great ...

33 weeks and starting to feel it

Scan was all good last week.  The placenta has moved up and is now 4.5cm away from the cervix so I don't need to worry about that anymore.  Baby was measuring 32 weeks exactly and I was 32wks 1day.  Fluid was good and baby was head down, so we really couldn't be happier with how things are going in there.  Could even see her little lungs / chest muscles going up and down in practice for breathing on the outside!  But unfortunately she was hiding her face for most of the scan so we didn't get much of a good look at her except for this one pic with her hand across her mouth :)

                      

I'm finding I have some really good days and other days I'm exhausted before I even get to work.  Part of me is starting to think I really should be finishing work sooner rather than later, but at this point the plan is to stick it out till 36 weeks.  Will see how I go.  It's only 2.5 weeks away.  I have to go see my GP at the end of this week for approval to keep working till then.  If she says no I'll be leaving things in a bit of a mess!  A whole bunch of clients who I thought we're just waiting on equipment have suddenly come up with new issues over the last couple of weeks, so instead of finishing things off I've been chasing my tail trying to sort out new dramas which I'm alittle unimpressed about ... but that's always the way isn't it.  I should have half expected it.  My new word for next week is "NO" lol

Baby is still super busy in there and keeping me on my toes with all her pushing and jabbing.  The other day I kept feeling this repeated beating in the one spot which actually had me a bit worried cos she doesn't normally move like that, but then I realised it was hiccups.  Was very cute.  Anyway, we've got most things we need for baby now ... Just need to organise stuff in the room a bit more and get rid of other things that need to go.  Still haven't found a nappy bag I like yet either.  Anyway ... We'll get there.  Hopefully I'll have time to deal with all that once I finish work!

My belly's been catching food for awhile, but it's actually starting to get knocked on things now. I keep meaning to do a bump shot but life has been so busy with work and the kids that it's the last thing I think of doing.  Midwife appointment is next week.  I'll post again after that, hopefully with a pic if I get my act together!

Back pain and Braxton Hicks

Had my first introduction to Braxton Hicks over the weekend.  I actually think I might have been getting them before then but put the discomfort down to just baby's position and a bit of back pain.  Two weeks ago I was starting to struggle with being uncomfortable at work and in bed at home.  I figured it was just from bad posture and sitting in bed reading or surfing the net.  Anyway, Scouts mum and dad brought us an old recliner of theirs for me to sleep in when needed and after that things seemed to get a bit better.  I had a session with an Osteopath who gave me some exercises and advice which was all good but then a few days later the back pain returned worse than ever.  Saturday morning I was really struggling so I decided to go to the pool and just walk up and down in it while the girls had their lessons.  It helped a bit while I was in there - but getting out was a rude shock to the system and by the time I got home I was completely exhausted.  Somewhere in between swimming and getting home I realised that it wasn't just back pain I was feeling, it was stomach cramps.  I could hardly sit or lie down for the rest of the afternoon even though I was dead on my feet, and it was only at the end of the day that I finally asked Scout to blow up the fit ball so I could sit on that and rest my head on some pillows at the side of the bed.  It was probably one of the longest and most uncomfortable days I've had so far during this pregnancy ... And to be honest it scared me a bit because part of me was starting to worry that it might actually be more than just Braxton Hicks considering how intense it was and how long it went on for.  Anyway I really should have called the midwife (which Scout asked me to do repeatedly) but for whatever reason I decided to just wait a bit longer to see if it got any worse and fortunately by Sunday morning I was feeling fine again.  To be honest, I can't believe I went from being in that much pain and discomfort one day, to being relatively mobile and pain free the next!  At least I'm much more aware of the cramping that seems to accompany the back pain I've been getting now, but I'll definitely be mentioning it at my next midwife appointment.  

Baby has been moving heaps lately so that's put my mind at ease and we have our 32 week scan tomorrow to check on the position of the placenta so we'll also get to check in on baby then.  Will be interesting to see how much she's changed since the last scan!  Anyway - as long as she's fine and she stays in there for at least another 6-8 weeks I'll be happy. My reflexologist seems to think I'll go early but I'm hoping to prove her wrong.  4 more weeks left at work now and I'm counting down the days till I can just focus on stuff at home and getting ready for bub.  I feel like I'm spreading myself a bit thin with the limited energy I've got right now cos my patience with the girls hasn't been the best.  I feel guilty about that and even had a bit of a cry last night because I feel like a bad mum when I get cross with them for little things that wouldn't normally make me snap.  They are such good kids and I am just a cranky old mole right now trying to keep all the balls in the air.   The hot weather and fires haven't helped, so we probably all just need a weekend away together to relax once things cool down a bit.  Anyway ... I'll post again soon ... hopefully with some more pics of our little one after I've had the scan :)

10 weeks to go

Very tired this morning with a killer back ache.  Poor Scout decided to sleep up the other end of the bed because I was so restless and clearly taking up too much room with my pillows.  Basically I think I've been doing too much and now I'm paying for it.  I spent half of Saturday at the sewing machine repairing clothes, teaching the girls about what I was doing and making Charlie a pair of summer PJ pants which actually turned out ok considering I didn't have a pattern.  Then yesterday I was out shopping with Jazz for most of the day, so now my back is very unhappy with me.  I'm tight all down my right side and no amount of stretching seems to be helping the situation.  Anyway ... I know I need to suck it up and get use to it cos it's going to get a lot worse, but right now I'm still sitting in my cranky pants!  

We have been talking about names for baby alot lately and getting nowhere.  Both of us like fairly old fashioned names but anything outside of that, we can't agree on.  And none of the ones we do both like are all that exciting.  I spent a lot of time looking at websites last night and even started trying to trace my family tree to find something.  The problem is ... I can't seem to let go of the one name I always wanted to use for girl.  I was very close to my nan and I always thought if I had a girl I would name it after her.  My nan's first name was Lil so I always planned to use Lily for a girls name.  This was right up until Scout's ex named his daughter Lillianne two years ago.  Normally I wouldn't care what he called his kid but the reality is, Lillianne is Charlie and Jazzy's half sister so it's a bit hard to try and give them another sister named Lily. My nan's middle name is 'Forward' - very odd/unusual and probably not a name our little one would appreciate later in life so basically both my nan's names are out and I am left feeling a bit sad and hormonal about the whole thing.  At this rate the poor kid will end up being nameless for weeks after it's born because I can't think of another name that will cut it.  It's a first world problem I know ... and I will get over it ... eventually ... but right now it's a real shit.

Baby wise, our midwife appointment was fine.  I'm measuring right on track and baby's heart rate is still galloping along.  The midwife started asking about birth plan / preferences and I don't think she was too impressed with my response.  Scout and I opted not to do the prenatal classes because basically we didn't feel up to being the token lesbians amidst all the hetero couples etc and I figured I could just read about it and that would be enough.  Scout never did classes for the girls and neither did her mum with any of her kids.  They are both very pro-epidural and most baby birth shows I've watched all end in the mother needing one anyway so in my head, my birth plan has been pretty simple - I want an epidural.  If there's an option that will address the pain then why would I choose not to use it?  I don't feel the need to prove anything, nor is it important to me to have an all natural birth.  As long and baby is ok and I'm ok, I'm happy.  Anyway, this midwife seemed a bit unimpressed by my lack of "care factor" in this department and started talking about gas and pethidene and other stuff.  It kinda pissed me off and to be honest I was kinda shocked that she believed pethidene was a better option than an epidural.  But I did get her point that I needed to consider all the available options, so since this conversation I've decided I need to get a bit better educated so my decisions are alittle more "informed".  No doubt it'll probably still end in an epidural or I might need a c-section, but I do need to be a bit more serious about how I'm going to handle the early stages of labour.  And I also need to come up with some strategies to deal with situations that might make me panic.  I might not be so concerned about how baby arrives, but I am concerned about her arriving safely.  Anyway, I've started reading a birth skills book and will also make a point of reading up on all the drug related options for pain control over the next month or so, including the pros and cons of an epidural.  

Apart from my birth skills book, I've also started reading and thinking about how I'm going to cope with baby once she's on the outside.  It's an interesting position to be in when your partner has already had and cared for a baby but you haven't.  Jazzy was two when I came into the picture and when I worked as a nanny OS, all the kids were also two or older.  So this will be all new for me and while I have an experienced partner to help me though it (which is obviously a bonus), it comes with it's own challenges in some ways.  So far, Scout has been very good about not offering too much 'advice' through this whole pregnancy.  She's been understanding and supportive and has only really had an opinion about the birth to be honest.  But when I find myself thinking about how I want to care for baby, I sometimes feel almost alittle closeted and foolish discussing ideas with her that I know are different from the way she would do things.  She has always humoured me, and supported me in trying things she personally thinks are just crazy and won't work, so normally I don't have a problem in just laying these ideas out there but when it comes to baby stuff, I guess I feel bit 'hesitant'?   I'm inexperienced and uninitiated, so it makes me feel a bit 'silly' coming out with ideas that I know she might scoff at.  I don't have a heap of them ... but there is the odd thing that's come up lately and I'm surprised by how much confidence I feel like I've needed to pluck up just to raise them.  We communicate very well about most things and even with this stuff, the discussions are always supportive even when there is a difference of opinion but I guess it's just interesting that I suddenly find myself feeling alittle 'intimated' as I enter into this new role.  Anyways, bless her, she never rolls her eyes and is always happy to let me indulge in ideas I know aren't necessarily her preference, so I really shouldn't feel so silly about sharing them.  

Anyway, I'm 30 weeks this week :). My bump is still "small", "neat" and "compact" (as described by those around me).  Honestly I think my arse is bigger than my bump, but I'm definately feeling the stretch and starting to notice the odd thing that's getting harder to do.  Two more weeks and we get to see our little one again at a 32 week scan.  Hopefully that placenta has moved up by then!  We've had some more pics taken and will probably get some more done around the time I finish work.  Girls go back to school on Wednesday and I'm not sure how they are going to cope with getting up early and being back in a routine of homework, dinner, bath and bed, but one way or another we're all going to have to get back into the swing of things.  Anyway ... I'll leave you with a few of the pics from last week :)