End Cycle

Fifty million piss sticks and one blood test all confirm that we are not pregnant. And if that wasn't enough confirmation ... AF arrived this morning.

When we started this journey, I thought all we needed was some sperm and some good timing. I had no idea I had endometriosis, scarring, a blocked tube, a dodgy cervix, a low ovarian reserve, a poor response to FSH and crappy eggs. When our doctor said we would need to do IVF, I was disappointed but I figured the up side was we'd be bypassing a whole lot of IUI attempts and disappointment. I'd read a lot of lesbian blogs where ladies who had no luck with IUIs, got pregnant first go with IVF, so I was hoping that's how it would be for us except we wouldn't have to go through all the IUIs to get there. Unfortunately things haven't turned out the way we planned. We're not the one-hit-wonders at IVF we'd hoped we would be. Producing hardly any follicles was a blow, being told I produce poor quality eggs was gutting (and probably the worst discovery to date), but following all of that up with a BFN and no frosties has left me wishing the ground would just swallow me up. Now, for the first time, I think the dx of infertility is really starting to sink in. I wasn't taking it too seriously before ... But now I am and I'm struggling with the reality of it. The reality that we might not be able to afford the number of IVF cycles we actually need to get pregnant. The reality that we might not be able to make a baby with my eggs and I may have to give up my biological role in this whole process. The reality that I may never get pregnant and we may end up in alot of debt with no baby to show for it.

It's been a shit week and while I know we've learnt a lot in terms of what to do differently next time, this whole cycle has been a painful reality check. Needless to say, we are sitting this next cycle out to let my body and our bank balance recover.

11dp2dt

BFN. Feeling despair already even though I know it's early days for testing. This could be a bad week. I hope tomorrow is a different story.

8dp2dt

I realized the other day that I haven't mentioned one of the most unpleasant side-effects I've experienced as a result of undergoing fertility treatment ... I stink! Really bad. All the hormones that have been pumped into my body have given me bad BO and a strong pheromone type smell in general. I feel like I need half a can of deoderant a day to deal with it! It's weird, but I don't know what else it could be from other than all the medication I've been on. Scout says she can't smell it but I think she's just being kind cos I don't know how she couldn't! I thought it might go away after I stopped the puregon but the progesterone seems to be having a similar effect. Apart from making me continue to stink, the progesterone is also starting to turn me into a bit of a cranky pants, making my nipples painful especially when I roll over in bed, and making me feel 'wet' all the time ... Possibly TMI! I started wearing liners at first in case I "leaked" progesterone but it turns out it's the excess CM I'm getting that I need to wear them for. This morning I woke up feeling so damp, I had a bit of a panic thinking I could have started my period! I took my temp and my heart sank when I saw it had dropped. I got up to go to the toilet to check and it turned out to be nothing but a wet liner. So now I'm wondering / hoping that the drop in temp was an implantation dip. I've had the slightest of cramping and occassional twinges of mild pain over the last two days but barely noticeable and I've tried not to read too much into symptoms this cycle but after this morning the cogs in my brain are turning. Very bad considering we have another 3-4 days till we could/should test and 6 until the beta. I've been so good up until now ... But I can feel myself slipping back into the old trap of getting hopeful and looking for more 'signs' of hope that could well turn out to be false hope in a few days time. I am dreading the thought of a BFN and having to start a new IVF cycle all over again. That would suck ... Physically, emotionally and financially. I am still bloated to the point where my pants are all too tight. Another round of this stuff and I will turn into an even bigger, smellier, rounder balloon than I already am! Fingers crossed my temp is back up again tomorrow morning and AF stays away for another say ... 9 months or so?

5dp2dt

So far the TWW seems to be treating me pretty well. I feel alot better than I did before the collection, and much better than I did after the IUI I had in April. I had lots of cramping and weird sensations after that IUI, but I haven't felt any of that since the ET. The odd twinge from time to time, but nothing different from what I might feel during any other regular cycle. The progesterone has also been better than expected. Very easy to insert, not alot of discharge and no real symptoms from it other than an occasional sickly feeling usually in the middle of the night. Along with the lack of symptoms, I haven't been thinking too much about the wait either so it's been pretty go all round.

I had the hen's party winery tour the day after the transfer and not only did I feel fine, but I managed to pull off the tour without anyone noticing that I wasn't drinking! I just made sure I always had a tasting glass in my hand but never drank anything, except water at lunch. Thankfully people were too busy catching up or talking about themselves and their lives to notice :).

On Sunday I had my 38th birthday. It was raining, so we just pottered around the house and did some baking. Our friends who are also ttc popped in for a visit which was really nice and we half expected them to announce a 3mth pregnancy but instead we discovered they had had 2 more early miscarriages since we'd last seen them. I can't believe it and really feel for them. I can't even imagine going through that repeatedly and yet they're still positive and still trying. I really hope their luck changes in the next cycle.

Anyway ... Good luck to those coming up to their transfer and those in their TWW. I have one more week till either AF arrives or we get to POAS. I hope the time flies and we all get big fat BFPs in the very near future! :)

Embie on board

"Do you wanna hear the good news or the bad news?" Considering I knew what was coming after that opening line from our FS, I imagine you've got a pretty good idea too. The good news is we had one beautiful grade 1 embryo for transfer :) YAY!! The bad news is, that's all we had. No spares, no back up, no frosties. Apparently 4 of the 7 eggs fertilised but 2 grew abnormally and the third was a grade 4 that was growing too slowly and wasn't recommended for transfer or freezing. So ... We had our one super duper embryo transferred this afternoon and now we begin our TWW :) I was sad that the other little guys didn't make it but we feel really blessed that we did get 1 in the end and that it's a good one :). Apparently it had just morphed to 5 cells right before the transfer, and given they collected at 8am on Wed and transferred at 12.30pm on Friday I reckon that's pretty good :). So now we'll just have wait and hope and pray that this little one sticks. Here is a pic our little embie that's now floating around somewhere inside me. Fingers crossed it finds somewhere nice and warm and digs in deep for the long haul.

Grow little embie, grow

One day post retrieval I'm feeling pretty good. I'm still really bloated and have a bit of discomfort and tenderness downstairs but compared to what others have been through, I think I've come out of it all pretty well. I guess that's one good thing about being a low responder! I did have a fair bit of pain and discomfort yesterday after the painkillers wore off but nothing that couldn't be managed with a bit of panadol and some rest. And today I was well enough to go back to work feeling not much more than some slight twinges and aches from time to time. So I feel pretty lucky :)

On a more exciting note ... We are scheduled for our transfer tomorrow at 12.20pm! The nurse rang today to confirm the appointment and couldn't tell me how many fertilized or anything about how they're growing but I guess the fact that we're good to go for a transfer means at least one has fertilized and is doing something :) Fingers crossed nothing changes overnight. Scout is being pretty reserved and cautious about the whole thing at the moment ... probably to balance me out a bit as I am still just over the moon about getting to this point. Fortunately I haven't had too much time to over think things today as I've been flat out at work. But of course now that I'm home, our little embryo/s are on my mind. I can't help but feel a little excited and awe struck that part of my DNA is out there multiplying in a petrie dish right at this very moment! How amazing is that?! Let's just hope it keeps multiplying after it moves into it's new digs tomorrow :)

Post pick-up

7 eggs!!! Can't believe it. So happy :) My temp rose a bit this morning and I was fretting the whole drive in there that I'd already ovulated, but thankfully I hadn't. 7 ... Can you believe it?!! Crazy!! Especially when we thought there was only 2 good follicles. Clearly I must have had a few others either hiding or waiting to pop at the last minute. They didn't say if they were all mature or not but at this point I'm just happy we've got eggs!! And it was all so quick. We were in and out in no time, and I feel fine. A little crampy and tired but that's about it. I'm not even spotting. So now I have the rest of the day to rest, watch a few DVDs and of course think about the fact that our little eggs are about to be injected with sperm! I hadn't really let myself think much beyond this point so it will be interesting to see how things go from here on ie how many fertilize and if we get to transfer on Friday. But right now I'm just enjoying the fact that the pick-up was a success! I feel incredibly lucky :)