Walking at 8 months!

That's right ... our little lady has been on the verge of it for the past week taking one or two steps before falling down onto her little butt.  But yesterday she finally cracked it!  We are two very proud mumma's! Was worried I might miss out on this going back to work, but she came through for me ;)  Love you to bits Bonnie Boo xxx

Farewell to a big year

Our little girl is now 8 months old :). She is lightening on her hands and knees and can stand without holding onto anything for about 10-15 seconds before she falls back onto her butt.  She is constantly on the move and is definately keeping me on my toes with all the steps in this house.  We have gates everywhere but they are sometimes left open accidentally and I have actually lost her a couple of times into the upstairs rooms!  She makes all kinds of noises and sounds and likes to chatter away loudly, especially to the girls, but still has no words.  She does however understand a few things that I say and has attempted to copy some signs that I use with her and other actions in play which is cute.  She also seems to be able to charm just about everyone she comes into contact with.  I have had many total strangers come up to us while we are out, sometimes repeatedly just to gush all over her and squeeze her cheeks and hold her hands.  I wouldn't dream of touching someone elses kid like some of these people do, but she seems to be a magnet for it and she likes it so it actually hasn't bothered me (so far), which is probably a good thing cos I'm not sure what I would do if it did!  She has three teeth now and another on the way which has turned her into a bit of a biter, and she can inflict some serious pain with those choppers!  I am still breastfeeding her ... and for the most part she usually behaves herself on the boob (most of the time) but every other body part now seems to be fair game for her teeth.  She's learnt to blow raspberries so we are use to her doing that to us during cuddles but now sometimes those raspberries turn into bites and they hurt! Anyway, we are trying to teach her that it's naughty, but I think it's going to take a bit to register with her (which is a worry cos she will be starting day care in Feb next year and I don't want her biting anyone there!).

I have about 5-6 weeks left of my maternity leave before I go back to work.  I'm not looking forward to going back but we need the money and I'll only be part time so I can't complain.  I've had a big break and it's been so nice to have had the time I have at home with Bon and the girls.  It's been a challenge looking after 3 kids, and continuing to juggle everything once I'm back at work will be an even bigger challenge, but I'm sure I'll cope one way or another and hopefully we'll still maintain some kind of sanity in the process! We are still waiting to find out what's happening with the job Scout applied for, so who knows how that will change things, but either way I'm thinking next year will be a good year for us :). This past 12 months has been amazing, turning 40 and finally having a baby, so it's going to be hard to top but I am looking forward to 2015 and watching our girls continue to grow and change. I am so proud of each of them and feel so lucky to have them, and my beautiful Scout in my life :). I hope everyone else has had a merry Christmas and I wish each of you the very best for 2015 x  I will leave you with some Christmas pics of our little and not-so-little ones ;)

                                     

                                     

Crawling at 6 months!

Three months later and I am finally getting around to a new post :). Life has been busy!  The sale of the house fell though ... Yay!!  So fortunately we haven't had to move but we've had lots of other things going on so we are still keen to move (in our own time!) next year as we are rapidly outgrowing this place.

In September we had our trip to Queensland.  We flew up to Cairns and then travelled by coastal roads all the way back down to Melbourne.  It was a journey and a half!  Nice to catch up with all my family and other friends along the way but it was alot of driving and alittle rushed trying to fit it all into 3 weeks instead of 4 as we'd originally planned.  There were plenty of hicks ups along the way - day 1 our flight got cancelled so we were stuck at the airport all day with 3 kids in tow waiting for another flight (argh!!!), and day 2 someone backed into our hire car.  Our dog got out twice while we were away cos the fence fell down, Bonnie suddenly decided she no longer liked being in a car (great timing!) and we also had a bit of stress trying to secure relocation vehicles for each leg of the journey, but we survived and would do it again if we had more time.

Bonnie is getting BIG!  She is now 6 months old!!! Damn she is growing and changing so fast it's crazy.  She started rolling while we were in Cairns and has just recently started crawling!  Her crawling was a bit unexpected (she went from rolling to crawling in 5 weeks!!!) so we are now chasing our tails trying to contain her and baby proof stuff.  She sits fairly well on her own and will only occassional lose her balance now but she is starting to pull up on stuff and will often tumble when doing this so there is alot of bumps and tears going on at the moment.  We graduated her from the cradle to the cot when we got back from Cairns as she was just banging her arms and legs around everywhere once she started rolling and I couldn't wrap her anymore, but already she is starting to pull up in the cot so we are having to raise the sides.  The rate at which she is changing is just crazy.  I've coped pretty well with her moving to her own room, but I still miss her and am glad I have a video monitor to still keep an eye on her.  

We started solids when we got back from our trip so she is loving all the new tastes and textures and will grab the spoon off me any chance that she gets.  I couldn't quite get my head around the baby led weaning stuff - more so cos I was just petrified of her choking on something - so I started with old school pureed stuff for two weeks and then started progressing her through mashed, grated and finely chopped stuff such that she can now eat a mini modified version of most things we eat.  

She has graduated to the big bath with her sisters and love love loves this.  She has a little bath seat which she is constantly trying to crawl out of and loves splashing and playing with cups and containers.  We take her swimming every week when the girls have their lessons, and when I get my act together I'll enrol her for lessons too now that she's 6 months old.  She is just learning something new every day and it's amazing to watch.  She started saying dad-dad-dad recently and babbles a lot of other gibberish all the time.  She copies us laughing and the other day she started blowing raspberries on my neck which is something I do to her all the time.  She is just such a joy and there is not a day that goes by I don't think how lucky we are to have her.

I am slowly starting to get into a routine with things at home now.  Can you believe it's taken this long?!  We have a mini mother's group that we go to every week, we walk every day and we've also been going to storytime at the local library which Bonnie loves.  She has always been pretty crap at naps during the day, and I've been lucky to get her to sleep more than 20mins twice in a day, but thankfully this is starting to change now and she will nap longer a few times throughout the day.  Nights however have been getting progressively worse.  She is waking more often and doesn't settle as easily so we've been struggling a bit with that but I'm hoping things will settle back down again once her current spurt is over.   

The only other thing that's been going on lately is that Scout is thinking about leaving the driving school business and has applied for a government job.  The recruitment process is long and not the easiest thing so she might not get in but if she does, it will mean big changes for us.  I will have to return to work on less days as she won't be able to help out with the kids as much and we will most likely need to move to a different area - possibly even a different state.  I'm in two minds about it all.  I want her to get it because it's what she wants and financially it will be better for us, but I don't like the idea of moving out of the area we currently live in.  Anyway, we'll just see what happens and cross that bridge if and when it comes. 

So that just about brings you up to speed on everything that's been happening.  Girls went trick or treating for the first time last Friday.  Jazz did her usual witch thing and I made Charlie a Toothless costume which turned out pretty good in the end.  Next year I'll have to be more organised and dress up Bonnie too.  Anyway here are some pics!  Enjoy :)

                           

                           

                           

                               

                         

                               

                         

                          

3.5 months

Yes I continue to be crap at blogging!  There's been many occassions where I have had stuff I've wanted to write about but I always think about it late at night when I am too tired to actually do it.  Anyway ... our little one is now 14 weeks old!!  And exactly 12 months ago yesterday was the day we found out we were pregnant.  Still can't believe how lucky we were to have gotten there in the end.  And as difficult a journey as it was, it was worth it to have the beautiful little girl I have lying in bed beside me this morning.

Bonnie is the cutest little button!  She is delightful.  Always happy and laughing.  She looks at us with so much love and awe it still makes my heart melt and eyes well up with tears of joy every day when I look at her.  Of course she has the odd moment when she is a cranky pants but it's usually because she is sick or tired or in pain and it never lasts too long.  We've got a good sleeping pattern going on that has it's occassional hick ups but for the most part she will go to sleep ok once she's tired enough and we wrap her up.  She usually wakes once a night for a feed around 3 or 4am and then goes back to sleep again pretty easily.  So I can't complain at all.  There's even been 2 nights where she's actually slept through!

Breastfeeding is still problematic.  I think my supply is definately better cos I have days where both boobs fill up and actually leak, but there are still other days where it's like they've completely dried up.  Anyway, I try not to let it bother me and just keep giving her what I can and topping up what I can't.  She definately prefers the boob so I feel alittle guilty that they don't give her all she needs but at least she gets something and I don't feel like I need to worry about her refusing it anymore.  She's use to having both now so as long as she gets fed one way or another, she's happy.

Evenings are a lot easier now since I bought a second hand highchair to put her in while cooking, eating or helping the girls with homework.  She not really old enough for it yet but because it reclines and the footrest comes right up, she can lie or sit in it with a bit of padding and she's happy as Larry.  About two weeks ago she started to purposefully hit the toys hanging down on her bouncer or play gym and yesterday she actually grabbed and pulled on the one that plays music twice which gave her of a thrill.  Her little legs are very strong.  She pushes up all the time, loves standing and is also starting to tolerate tummy time a bit better.  For the past week or so she has been constantly nawing on her fist or part of a soft toy so we have been wondering if she is starting to teeth.  The weather here is getting colder so I'm enjoying being able to rug her up in her pram with her mittens and beanie on when we go for a walk.  Super cute!

Speaking of the weather, we've had a lot of wind lately and the tree on the other side of our deck has started to fall apart.  Half of it fell on one of our sheds and pretty much demolished it.  We rent the house we are in at the moment so we're still waiting for the owner to arrange removal of the tree and pulling apart of the shed so we can see if any of our stuff survived.  We have insurance but it's a hefty excess so we are yet to see if it will be worth it.  In the meantime more of the tree has fallen on the corner of the house!  It only damaged the guttering luckily but it's left us alittle unnerved so we've got all the animals living in the house with us at the moment till it's sorted as it barely missed the rabbit hutch.  

                     

                      

To add insult to injury, a contractor let our dog out the other day so we have had to fork out for pound fees and a council fine, and now we've just found out the house we live in has also been sold.  We've had to put up with open houses etc lately and we were hoping the new owner might let us stay on but they want to live in it so we are now having to look for a new home.  We really wanted our next move to be into our own home early next year but this has thrown a spanner in the works.  We need to be out in 3 months and we can't buy while I'm still on maternity leave so we have to move to another rental.  It's annoying cos it will cost us money to move and then move again.  There also isn't too many rentals that come up in this town so it might also mean actually moving town and that will impact on the girls schooling.  It's all just a bit messy and frustrating and I'm not looking forward to any of it.  We had a trip booked and paid for to Cairns next month.  We were planning on spending a whole month tripping around spending a week with mum in Cairns, another week visiting other friends and family in Queensland and then fishing our way down the New South Wales coast on the way home.  That trip will have to be cut short now so we can come home and move, if of course we find somewhere new to live before we leave!  I don't wanna think about it.  Clearly we'll be spending the next few weeks looking at shit holes and trying to get rid of stuff we don't need.  

Anyway, here are a few more pics of our little one :).  She keeps growing and changing and while I love each and every moment of it and look forward to what happens next, I just wish I could stop time and keep her just the way she is right now for a little longer!

                              

                             

                             

                             

                              

                         

                         

                         

No longer a newborn!

I've been trying to write this post for 3 weeks now but something always seems to come up.  Anyway our little one is now 7 weeks old! Perhaps it was the fact that she was 2 weeks over due, but she has been alert and smiling at everyone pretty much since day 1.  She is in awe of Jazz  who loves to sit and hold her and talk to her whenever she gets the chance.  Charlie is alittle less interested but we expected that.  She seems to live in a little world all of own now that she's nine.

Anyway - to bring you up to speed since Bonnie's birth ...

My mum stayed for two weeks and was a great help, especially helping with the girls, cooking, shopping or just being someone else to settle or burp Bon when I needed a break.  She drove the girls to and from school which was a big help but she was a pretty nervous driver so this made me nervous!  It was nice that she had time to bond with Bonnie but after two weeks of disruption to the girls routine and sleeping arrangements we decided it was time for us to figure out how to do things on our own.

I recovered from the surgery pretty quickly, but breastfeeding was and has been a problem.  The problem is with me, not with Bonnie.  She has no trouble latching and will pretty much take anything you put in her mouth without issue thank goodness.  But unfortunately my supply is pathetic and despite trying everything under the sun to improve it, my body is just not coming to the party (as usual!).  Bonnie dropped more than 10% of her birth weight because of it, so we were forced to start supplementing the day after we left the hospital.  All the trouble I was having trying to settle her suddenly disappeared once she started on the formula, and I realised I'd essentially been starving her without knowing it.   I got input from a lactation nurse and was breast feeding, then topping up with formula and then pumping to supplement the next feed which was all ok while my mum was here but it became much harder once she left.  I have two other kids to worry about and Scout is hardly ever home, so having to do all of that for each feed is pretty exhausting.  I've been taking Motilium which is what mothers who adopt get put on to bring on their milk, but even this has had a minimal effect.  Anyway ... it's been awhile now and I'm persisting with it but it's been hard.  Occasionally I feel like things are improving but then it all seems to go backwards again. Thankfully our little one is still humouring me and will breastfeed for a bit each side before she gets frustrated and I have to go make her a bottle.  When I do get time to express I get hardly anything so I really have no clue what she's getting from me, but as long as she continues to be happy taking the breast, I'll continue to offer it.  I just have to be content knowing that she's at least getting something from me, even if it's not much.  And she's almost back on track with her weight and doing really well now, so that's the main thing.

In terms of sleep, we have good nights and bad nights.  Sometimes I find myself dreading the evenings but I really shouldn't complain cos she doesn't cry a lot unless something is genuinely wrong.  When she was about two weeks old she started getting a cough which was pretty distressing for both of us, so we had a few nights sleeping together on the couch, but when she's not sick, she sleeps pretty well in her cradle overnight and will usually go for 3-4 hours between feeds.  We have had the odd occasion where it's been less and other times when it's been more but generally she's pretty consistent which helps ... Especially when trying to time pick ups and drop offs for the girls etc.  

The evenings seem to be the hardest because I'm juggling the needs of all three girls.  Scout tends to have to work late, till 9 or 10pm, so I'm on my own and it tends to be that time of day when Bonnie is wanting the most amount of attention.  The amount of times I've burnt the kids dinner is rediculous.  It gets a little crazy when I've got two kids fighting, a baby not settling or wanting to be fed and dinner burning in the stove.  Unfortunately my brain just doesn't seems capable of dealing with that many things at once so I really need to be a bit more organised and cook dinners earlier in the day.  I have used a sling a few times in the evenings to keep baby happy and both my hands free.  Sometimes it works and other times it doesn't.  But all in all I think we're doing pretty well.  She's a pretty low maintenance kid most of the time.  She travels well in the car and doesn't mind the car seat.  She loves being bathed and doesn't mind getting her nappy changed.  Like I said - she really only cries if she's over tired or something's wrong.  I even took her to the movies with Scout and the girls yesterday and she barely made a peep.  I had a bottle ready for her but didn't end up needing it - just put her on the boob (which was actually harder than expected in the dark!) when she woke up and she was happy.  

Anyway - as usual I have more to write about but if I try to I'll never get this post up!  Our friend did some pics of Bonnie for us at 2 weeks so I'll attach those and save the others from around the home till my next post :)

                     

                      

                      

Bonnie's Birth

Our little girl is now two weeks old and I already feel like precious time is passing us by way too fast, so it's time I get her birth story done.  I've actually been avoiding it alittle because I've been quite emotional since her birth but I really need to just get it out of the way.  If I wait much longer I'm bound to start forgetting things!  Anyway ...

Bonnie was over cooked and her arrival coincided with the departure of someone very special so things were a little more emotionally charged than they might normally have been.  My last week of pregnancy was spent having fetal monitoring every second day to make sure Bonnie was still ok on the inside, which she was.  It also involved trying everything under the sun to get her to come before her induction date.  I walked alot, ate foods that might help, drank raspberry leaf tea etc but nothing seemed to have any effect.  My reflexologist was booked out so I organised two accupuncture induction appointments with a clinic near the IVF place on the Thursday and the Saturday - these also didn't work.  My mum arrived on the Sunday and we reluctantly went in for the induction on Monday 21st April at 2pm - since we'd had no luck with having it moved to the Tuesday.  I was 41weeks 6 days.

On arrival we met our first midwife, Jenny, and were shown to a private room with a double bed on the maternity ward which surprised me as I'd half expected to be in a room with other women being induced until I went into labour.  They put me on a monitor and when they were happy that baby was still ok in there, they inserted the first lot of gel.  At that point I was told that my cervix was still long and closed.  Scout and my mum checked into a hotel near the hospital as we figured nothing would happen that night and I was worried mum would get tired and it was too far for Scout to be driving back and forth to our home which was a good hours drive away.  We had dinner and at 7pm the midwives took me off the monitor for a bit so I could go for a walk around.  While walking I started to get terrible pain down the back of my right leg and this became constant throughout the rest of my labour, along with occassional back pain.  At 9pm they put me back on the monitor again in preparation for being checked by the doctor.  The monitor showed regular contractions 3 mins apart which I had hardly noticed because I was so focused on the shooting pain in my leg.  Scout and Mum started getting excited about the prospect of our baby girls arrival and the midwife told me she was happy with my progress and didn't think I'd be needing a second lot of gel which made me happy.  

At 10pm we got a new midwife, Coby, who suggested I start using my TENS machine to manage the pain, which I did.  Let me just say right now ... I freakin loved the TENS machine and would highly recommend it to anyone else thinking about using one during labour.  Yes, the extra wires / cords hanging off you can be a bit annoying sometimes (especially when you're also hooked up to a monitor) but honestly it was so worth it.  The only bad thing about the TENS is that you can't use it in the tub, but any plans we had about being in water unfortunately went out the window for us when we had to be induced anyway.  

Not long after starting to use the TENS I also started to feeling a trickle, like I was leaking small amounts of fluid but it didn't seem like enough to make me feel confident it was my waters.  At 11.30pm I finally got checked again (not in a good way either I might add), only to be told my cervix was still way back, long and closed.  I was bummed to say the least.  Because my contractions were so regular and close together, they didn't want to give me another dose of gel incase it brought on a tonic contraction.  The doctor consulted with others and decided to wait a few more hours and check me again before giving me another dose which would need to be monitored extra closely.  At this point Mum went back to the hotel to sleep and Scout and I tried to get some rest.  

At 3am on Tuesday morning I got placed on the monitor again.  Baby was still happy but the contractions had started to subside a bit.  We were now 12 hours into the induction.  I got checked again and my cervix was now softer but still closed.  They decided to give me a second dose of Prostin gel which my body thankfully tolerated and I got monitored hourly after that  The contractions started getting stronger again and I increased my TENS to keep them under control.  I actually became so addicted to the feeling of my TENS that I started forgetting to turn it off between contractions.  At 6.30am Scout went back to the hotel for a quick shower, to pick up mum and to check out of the hotel.  I got released from my monitor for a bit to walk around (thank goodness!) and got under the shower.  I waited for the doctors to come check me again at 9am but by 10am I still hadn't seen them.  I got a new midwife, Fiona, who ended up checking me for the doctors under the supervision of the head midwife.  Unfortunately Fiona wasn't confident with her assessment so I then had to get checked AGAIN by the head midwife who told me my cervix was soft and open at the front but not at the back (?).  I still don't know how the fuck that is possible but at that point I just couldn't believe my cervix was still not dilating cos my vagina certainly was after having every man and his dog check me!  

Based on discussions with the doctor prior to checking me, the head midwife decided to give me a third dose of Prostin gel but only 1mg instead of 2mg.  I went back on the monitor again and at that point we decided that Scout should leave the hospital to attend her Nan's funeral.  She was gone for about 4 hours as the service was held at a venue almost an hour away.  I was relieved that things worked out such that she could attend it but also emotional about not being there myself and frustrated by the lack of progression despite ongoing contractions.  

By 3pm Scout was back at the hospital and I was back on the monitor again with a new mid wife, Zoey.  My back was killing me from the contractions and the dodgy bed I was confined to during monitoring.  I didn't get checked again till 4.30pm and at that point I was really starting to get cranky about not being able to get up and move around to cope with the pain.  When the doctor finally did check me, she told me she could get a finger into my cervix but it was still closed at the back so she couldn't break my waters.  At this point, tears started to flow despite all my best efforts to hold my shit together.  The doctor left the room to discuss what to do with others, but I knew the only option left was a c-section.  The disappointment was overwhelming.  One of the reasons I hadn't wanted to be induced was because I was worried it would fail and I'd end up having to have a c section which was the last thing I wanted.  Every show I'd ever watched where the mother had had to go to theatre had made me feel sick, plus I was worried about baby missing out on all the benefits of being born vaginally and the possible impact on my milk production post birth.  If baby was showing signs of stress I would have found it much easier to except, but she was happy as Larry in there according to the monitor, so I really struggled with it.  Anyway, the doctor came back and much to my surprise she actually offered to check me again, up in stirrups, just to be sure that they definately couldn't get through to break my waters.  So we did that, but the outcome was still the same and she confirmed that we had to go to theatre.  

It was classified as an emergency cesare but only because there was nothing elective about it.  Unfortunately they had given me something to eat just prior to checking me, so that meant I had to wait another 6 hours before they were happy for me to go to theatre.  And even after that we got pushed back a bit further to accomodate some other emergencies that came up.  I cried on and off during the wait.  I was still getting contractions and ironically I finally lost my mucous plug right before heading off to theatre.  

Anyway, our little lady arrived in the early hours on Wednesday 23rd April.  By the time we went to theatre I'd come to terms with it all, but it was a numb kind of acceptance.  The spinal they gave me was painless and the theatre staff were lovely but it was 1.30 in the morning and 36 hours since we'd started the induction so I was finding it hard to get excited about the whole thing. Scout, on the other hand, was excited enough for the two of us.  She sat beside me through the whole thing and kept me calm even though I actually felt like I couldn't breath for half of it.   I don't really know how to explain how I felt when I finally saw Bonnie.  I didn't cry when she came out, and to be honest I had a hard time registering that she was the same little bundle of joy that I'd been carrying around inside of me for 10 months.  I felt alittle detached from the whole experience and even though I was happy our baby was finally here, it was a numb kind of happiness.  It wasn't until much later that I finally felt the feelings of love and joy that I thought I'd feel at her birth.

The theatre staff took lots of photos for us straight after she was born, which we're grateful for given we'd arranged for our friend to photograph the birth, but that got canned once we found out we had to go to theatre.  I got to spend a bit of time with Bonnie and Scout while they were stitching me up, but then the mid wife took her away with Scout while I went to recovery.  I stayed in recovery for about two hours and during that time, Scout and my mum got plenty of time to bond with Bonnie.  I didn't get to really hold her until they took me back to the birthing room and thankfully she latched on without an issue straight away.  I had about 30mins there with my mum and Scout before they moved me to the ward and sent them both home because it was early in the morning.  Of course Scout couldn't be kept away and was back again by 8am much to my surprise.  I thought she'd be tired from the long night and driving home etc but she was so excited she couldn't sleep.

Anyway, because Bonnie was two weeks late, all the time that Scout had booked out in her work diary to bond with baby had passed so she was booked up with clients again and could only visit us in hospital late at night after she had finished for the day.  Mum stayed at home to look after the girls, so essentially I spent alot of time on my own in there.  I had a few visitors at the end of each day which made things bearable but the nights were hell.  I shared a room with 2 other mothers and their babies so I spent the whole time either dealing with the other babies waking Bonnie up or stressing about Bonnie waking them up.  The Thursday night was so bad I started to feel like I was going to unravel. Bonnie wouldn't let me put her down the whole night and I didn't want to just palm her off to the nurses, so I ended up walking the halls with her for hours on end.  I was tired and felt isolated from my family and just wanted to get the hell out of there.  So I asked to be discharged.  Of course this threw them all into a bit of a tiz because they'd pretty much ignored me since the c-section.  Plenty of nurses had said they would do things for me that needed to be done, but most of them hadn't because they had other more pressing issues to deal with.  When they took the catheter out, one said she'd be back to help me get up and have a shower.  She never came back so I just did it on my own, which was fucking painful and at one point I thought I was going to pass out, but thankfully I didn't.  Another said she'd show me how to express by hand, but she never came back either.  Often they would come in to say hello at the start of their shift and that would be the last I'd see of them.  Anyway, I didn't care that they were too busy to do stuff, I just didn't see the point in staying there when I could be doing the same thing at home.  Anyway my request to leave had them suddenly chasing their tails to catch up on all stuff they hadn't done which was probably a good thing.  They weighed Bonnie and were suddenly concerned about how much weight she'd lost since birth.  Then they noticed she'd developed jaundice.  No one had cared about my ability to breast feed prior to this but suddenly it was an issue and I needed to buzz them everytime I fed her so they could check on my technique.

They tried to talk me out of leaving but there was no way I was going stay in there for another night.  I was starting to get overwhelmed emotionally and knew I just needed to get out of there.  Anyway, they finally got their act together, did all the assessments that hadn't been done, showed me how to hand express and gave me a bath demo before finally letting me go under the proviso that I had a home visit with a midwife / lactation consultant after the weekend.

I was so releaved when I finally left that I cried.  And I've continued to cry on and off ever since for lots of reasons.  I've been overwhelmed by how beautiful our little girl is and how lucky we are to have her, especially after thinking it would never happen.  I've also been grieving Scout's nan and the fact that she never got I meet Bonnie even though I know she's still around us and will be watching over Bonnie for many years to come.  She actually arranged for Scout's dad to give us a nappy cake from her after Bonnie was born.  When they gave it to us and told us who it was from I just started crying and still do everytime I look at it.  I'm not sure when or how we will ever be able to pull it apart, but one day I guess it will have to happen.  The fact that I will never be pregnant again has also left me with a heavy heart and I'll post more about this another time, but I'm trying to focus on how grateful I am to have had the experience that I did.  My tummy feels very lifeless and numb these days, to the point where I half wonder if they have nicked a few nerves down there, but it's probably just because it was so full of life and energy before and the change in sensation has left me feeling quite empty.  

Anyway, there is lots more I want to write about but it will have to wait till another post.  If you've read this far and a still awake, you've done very well!  I will leave you with my favourite pic of Bonnie after her first bath at home :)  She is such an alert little one!!

Little one has arrived safe and sound :)

Baby girl is finally here :). Bonnie Maree arrived at 1.38am on 23 April. 7 pounds 1 ounce with great set of lungs and lots of dark hair.  Scout and I are very tired but totally smitten by our new addition.  Will post the birth story when I get the chance :)