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Tuesday 30 October 2012

Breaking bad

While I have been keeping up with everyone's blogs, I haven't felt like doing anything much with my own lately. I don't know why. Perhaps it needs a facelift or something to make me feel better about it. It's not like I haven't got anything to say lately ... it's more that I haven't felt like processing things too much. I'm in avoidance mode at the moment, possibly because I'm not a very big fan of the person I seem to have become since we've been on the TTC journey. This time last year I had an awesome veggie patch planted out with loads of yummy fruit and vege which I was watering and weeding and composting and generally loving. I was out in the garden all the time with the animals and the girls. I was cooking and building stuff and working on all sorts of random projects around the house. I was busy and happy and patient despite being sick as a dog with chronic allergies. But now 12 months later when I've actually conquered the allergies and I'm finally on the baby making train, I feel fat, lazy and completely unmotivated to do anything. My veggie patch is bare, my chooks are laying eggs I keep forgetting to collect and the house is looking generally neglected. I come home from work exhausted and struggle to find patience with the girls. I'm in a funk like I've lost my mojo or something and I miss it. I miss having energy and passion about things other than making a baby. And I miss some of the things I can't do now I am on this TTC train. I miss things that are bad for me ... I miss SMOKING! I know it sounds totally random but I can't begin to explain how much I seriously believe that kicking this habit is connected with my current funk. Yeah it's a toxic filthy habit that was bad for me and everyone around me in so many ways, but 9 months later I still miss it like crazy much to Scout's disgust. I quit cold turkey at the start of this year and Scout quit a few months later with Champix. She doesn't miss it at all (she's actually repulsed by the thought of it) but I miss it terribly and the reason why I miss it so much is because I associate it with all the things I really enjoyed and now don't do. I loved sitting out on the deck smoking and drinking coffee and rubbing our dog or rabbit's back with my foot. I loved working all day in the garden or on a project for 8 hours solid with cigarette breaks to keep me going. I loved 5 mins to myself outside or 5 mins with Scout all to myself while we smoked away. I loved kicking back with a fishing rod in one hand and a fag in the other watching the water and soaking up the sun. Yes I know there is nothing stopping me from still doing all these things now but when I quit, the only way I could do it was to stop the habits I associated with smoking and that meant avoiding sitting on the deck, drinking coffee, gardening, building projects outside etc. Fishing is the only thing I still do that I associate with cigarettes and I have to say I don't enjoy it half as much as I use to. When I gave up smoking, I gave up one of my main stress relievers, and along with it went a whole bunch of other associated activities I really loved. Since then I've been floundering for the better part of this year trying to find alternative things to do to destress and take my mind off the TTC rollercoaster. It seems rediculous that after all this time I am still yet to develop healthy coping strategies so I can return to enjoying these activities I miss so much without a cigarette. Instead of being productive and distracting myself in the garden for the last two weeks while waiting for this D&C, I've been compulsively buying random crap on eBay! What kind of coping mechanism is that?!! It's pathetic and depressing and I'm kinda embarrassed to admit it. I really need to get my shit together ... Anyway, on a more positive note I carved a pumpkin for halloween with the girls tonight :)  This is the first time I've ever done this as it's not usually something we tend to celebrate much in Australia, but Charlie has been all excited about it so we thought we'd do it for her. I made her help scoop out the inside which she was totally grossed out by lol.  So Happy Halloween to those who do celebrate it ;)  And to those effected by the big storm, I hope you are all safe and dry and out of harms way.

Charlie getting a feel for making a pumpkin lantern LOL


Happy Halloween!

Tuesday 9 October 2012

Drugs, delays and D&C


How much do I hate buying these freaking tablets?! Just bought another two boxes and it looks like I'll actually need to buy a third now. That's 3 months worth ... And the reason I need 3 months worth is because my FS is going on holidays. She won't be back till November and when she does gets back I'll be having another D&C. So unfortunately the FET won't be happening till December now. I'm am a little bummed ... but I guess if that's what I need to do to get my hotel ala uterus renovated for our frosties then so be it. I have no idea what the frak I'm gonna blog about between now and then but I guess I'll come up with something. I am gonna go stir crazy waiting for December to roll around!

Tuesday 30 October 2012

Breaking bad

While I have been keeping up with everyone's blogs, I haven't felt like doing anything much with my own lately. I don't know why. Perhaps it needs a facelift or something to make me feel better about it. It's not like I haven't got anything to say lately ... it's more that I haven't felt like processing things too much. I'm in avoidance mode at the moment, possibly because I'm not a very big fan of the person I seem to have become since we've been on the TTC journey. This time last year I had an awesome veggie patch planted out with loads of yummy fruit and vege which I was watering and weeding and composting and generally loving. I was out in the garden all the time with the animals and the girls. I was cooking and building stuff and working on all sorts of random projects around the house. I was busy and happy and patient despite being sick as a dog with chronic allergies. But now 12 months later when I've actually conquered the allergies and I'm finally on the baby making train, I feel fat, lazy and completely unmotivated to do anything. My veggie patch is bare, my chooks are laying eggs I keep forgetting to collect and the house is looking generally neglected. I come home from work exhausted and struggle to find patience with the girls. I'm in a funk like I've lost my mojo or something and I miss it. I miss having energy and passion about things other than making a baby. And I miss some of the things I can't do now I am on this TTC train. I miss things that are bad for me ... I miss SMOKING! I know it sounds totally random but I can't begin to explain how much I seriously believe that kicking this habit is connected with my current funk. Yeah it's a toxic filthy habit that was bad for me and everyone around me in so many ways, but 9 months later I still miss it like crazy much to Scout's disgust. I quit cold turkey at the start of this year and Scout quit a few months later with Champix. She doesn't miss it at all (she's actually repulsed by the thought of it) but I miss it terribly and the reason why I miss it so much is because I associate it with all the things I really enjoyed and now don't do. I loved sitting out on the deck smoking and drinking coffee and rubbing our dog or rabbit's back with my foot. I loved working all day in the garden or on a project for 8 hours solid with cigarette breaks to keep me going. I loved 5 mins to myself outside or 5 mins with Scout all to myself while we smoked away. I loved kicking back with a fishing rod in one hand and a fag in the other watching the water and soaking up the sun. Yes I know there is nothing stopping me from still doing all these things now but when I quit, the only way I could do it was to stop the habits I associated with smoking and that meant avoiding sitting on the deck, drinking coffee, gardening, building projects outside etc. Fishing is the only thing I still do that I associate with cigarettes and I have to say I don't enjoy it half as much as I use to. When I gave up smoking, I gave up one of my main stress relievers, and along with it went a whole bunch of other associated activities I really loved. Since then I've been floundering for the better part of this year trying to find alternative things to do to destress and take my mind off the TTC rollercoaster. It seems rediculous that after all this time I am still yet to develop healthy coping strategies so I can return to enjoying these activities I miss so much without a cigarette. Instead of being productive and distracting myself in the garden for the last two weeks while waiting for this D&C, I've been compulsively buying random crap on eBay! What kind of coping mechanism is that?!! It's pathetic and depressing and I'm kinda embarrassed to admit it. I really need to get my shit together ... Anyway, on a more positive note I carved a pumpkin for halloween with the girls tonight :)  This is the first time I've ever done this as it's not usually something we tend to celebrate much in Australia, but Charlie has been all excited about it so we thought we'd do it for her. I made her help scoop out the inside which she was totally grossed out by lol.  So Happy Halloween to those who do celebrate it ;)  And to those effected by the big storm, I hope you are all safe and dry and out of harms way.

Charlie getting a feel for making a pumpkin lantern LOL


Happy Halloween!

Tuesday 9 October 2012

Drugs, delays and D&C


How much do I hate buying these freaking tablets?! Just bought another two boxes and it looks like I'll actually need to buy a third now. That's 3 months worth ... And the reason I need 3 months worth is because my FS is going on holidays. She won't be back till November and when she does gets back I'll be having another D&C. So unfortunately the FET won't be happening till December now. I'm am a little bummed ... but I guess if that's what I need to do to get my hotel ala uterus renovated for our frosties then so be it. I have no idea what the frak I'm gonna blog about between now and then but I guess I'll come up with something. I am gonna go stir crazy waiting for December to roll around!

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